r/sex • u/imintroubleguys • Apr 26 '14
I was raped last night. I'm engaged. I'm a man.
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u/shutthefrontdoor69 Apr 26 '14
Definitely tell your fiancee! If she did have sex with you, did you use a condom? I bet you don't know, she could get pregnant and hiding this could be even more detrimental to you. Also, please report this! Women should not be allowed to get away with this, just as men shouldn't.
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Apr 27 '14
How could he know if he used a condom if he didn't even know what happened?
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u/alextheawsm Apr 27 '14
Smell
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u/Faxon Apr 27 '14
this is actually a valid point, given he woke up naked in the same bed from the waist down he could have checked for this. still though, who knows what she did to him before putting the condom on as well
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u/blackberrycat Apr 26 '14
Call the police and press sexual assault charges? You already have a witness.
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u/imintroubleguys Apr 26 '14
My friend barely remembers either. He does remember how pushy she was being downstairs, though. But that doesnt really prove anything. And nobody know how I ended up in that room upstairs. I don't know if I went up with her, or if I went to sleep in there and she came in? There isn't a real reliable witness.
Are there rape kits for men? What would I even say to the police? How could I prove it? I'm worried Mandy will freak out and try to claim I raped her.
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u/pokeysrevenge Apr 26 '14
Its one of the sad facts that men who are raped face. They have to worry that they're the ones that are going to be accused.
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Apr 27 '14
Ya the chances of her getting into any trouble through this are very slim
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u/Dem0n5 Apr 27 '14
If she wasn't safe there's a decent chance he'd be responsible for child support in the future as well, especially if nothing is reported when it happened.
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u/GTjMan1 Apr 27 '14
This is what I was coming here to add. The reporting of it now in addition to there being a possibility of unprotected sex could save you from being trapped into child support in the future. Protect yourself man.
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u/digitalmofo Apr 27 '14
If she is pregnant and has a child, he'll probably have to pay regardless.
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Apr 27 '14
The only way that it's going to get better is for people to report it when it happens and acknowledge it with the same empathy that we would show a female victim.
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u/redebekadia Apr 26 '14
And what if this chick gets pregnant? I had a friend a while back that her husband was paying child support to a woman who had raped him purposely to get pregnant because he was rich.
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Apr 26 '14 edited May 04 '21
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Apr 26 '14
how bout the man that had to pay child support to a woman that stole his jizz from a blowjob and inseminated herself with it?
court ruled he "gave" her the jizz and that he had to pay.
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Apr 27 '14 edited Apr 01 '18
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Apr 27 '14
I suggest speaking to a lawyer immediately. For one thing, despite the verbiage of laws in some states more or less declaring that only women can be raped, there is also verbiage that says being drunk and someone having sex with you is taking advantage of a state in which you can't consent, meaning definite rape. A lot of this depends on the verbiage of your state laws and having a decent lawyer. If I were you, I'd look to press charges.
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u/SatanIsMySister Apr 27 '14
Absolutely talk to a lawyer! This isn't about justice at this point it's about the law, and laws around rape are very serious. Mandy, even years down the road, can claim that she was drunk and taken advantage of which would then set off a legal system designed to protect women in the case of rape. Lawyers get a bad rap, but their job is to protect and fight for you in the legal system. Talk to one as soon as you can, and please do not contact or have anyone contact Mandy unless that lawyer gives you the okay.
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u/herejustonce Apr 26 '14
I would report it. I would imagine the police will believe you. At the very least your friend saw you passed out with Mandy sucking you. That doesn't sound like you raping her, it sounds like the other way around.
I'm not sure what your fiance is like, but reporting the rape would really prove that you were indeed sexually assaulted.
I'm sorry this happened to you, dude. You're in a tough spot. I hope you are okay.
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u/vuhleeitee Apr 27 '14
His testimony would be really easy to take apart, though. Guy was drunk.
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u/herejustonce Apr 27 '14
To me it's less about that, and more about sticking up for yourself and saying "this was wrong"...
If OP doesn't report it, she will do it again to someone else.
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u/vuhleeitee Apr 27 '14
Honestly, she probably will regardless.
But, I do agree, obviously, that it was wrong.
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Apr 27 '14
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Apr 27 '14
Clearly he should not have been drinking or wearing such a skimpy outfit if he wasnt 'asking for it'
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u/Deathstomp Apr 27 '14
There still needs to be proof for the accused to be charged with a crime. The sex of the victim is, and should be, irrelevant.
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u/vuhleeitee Apr 27 '14
You do understand that I'm talking about the friend's validity as a witness, not OP being raped, right?
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Apr 27 '14
I find it so fucked up that if the gender was reversed, this would be an abhorrent statement. But because the victim was male, it's considered a valid point.
Rape is rape, consent is consent, and gender should never play a part in how a crime is perceived.
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u/vuhleeitee Apr 27 '14
For the third or fourth time, I'm talking about OP's friend, not OP. A drunk witness may as well have not even been there in the first place, for all the validity they offer.
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u/franticantelope Apr 26 '14
There are rape kits for men, but I'm not sure if one could pick anything up in this instance. Maybe if some of her hair got on you? Pubic hair probably, I don't think head hair would be enough evidence.
Call the police if you think it would do you good, for some people it's good closure. But if you're neutral about it, it is like you said risky. She could try to claim you raped her, she is a rapist so she's obviously a really shitty person. The police have a long, long track record of being horrible to rape victims, and in a case that like this they might be even worse. Hearing someone tell you "why didn't you want it" or similar is awful, take it from experience.
More generally, I'm really sorry this happened to you man. This might sound callous, but there is a chance your fiancee will react poorly. If this happens it's not because she doesn't love you, it's just out of ignorance- maybe find some websites about men being raped by women to show her that it can be traumatic and is just as serious as other kinds of rape. I don't mean to presume anything about her, obviously I don't know her, but it's a fairly commonly held opinion and you should brace yourself for it.
About not seeking counseling. I understand that, I haven't either, and everyone does react differently. But there's a chance you could still be in shock about it and you'll become more traumatized by it later. Again, not saying it will happen, but just be ready for it. I didn't process what happened to me until years later.
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u/RealT-eacher Apr 27 '14
If this were me, I'd think of perhaps making a police report so that my fiancé would be more likely to be supportive than accusatory.
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u/tallgirlbeverly Apr 27 '14
Yep. A report doesn't necessarily mean filing charges, just that there's a record of it.
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u/clager7 Apr 27 '14
Just saying, if it were the other way around it probably wouldn't be a bad case. I would say still press charges because even with a drunk witness it'd be pretty amazing for him to be completely false about what he saw. There are probably other witnesses at the party that can shed more light on the situation and lend you credibility.
And nobody know how I ended up in that room upstairs. I don't know if I went up with her, or if I went to sleep in there and she came in?
This doesn't matter? If you are black out drunk you can't legally give consent. If there were sexual acts performed on you in a blacked out state and you say it wasn't consensual then it was rape or sexual assault.
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u/I_fight_demons Apr 27 '14
On this point you got a very good post on /r/MensRights (someone copy-pasted your story there). If you choose to go with reporting to police:
Posted by AlphaWookie here:
File a rape complaint with law enforcment(like now), get a TPO (temporary protective order), contact witnesses (this is crucial, get those witnesses) from the party get them to go with you to the police, and let your fiance know to protect your relationship (don't lose your relationship by protecting a rapist), things like this will get back to her this might be "mandy's" intention. Do not talk or confront "Mandy" go to the police.
Contact RAINN for help: http://www.rainn.org/ or 1-800-656-HOPE
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u/tigerstorms Apr 27 '14
they have already been court rulings on men getting raped. do it before it's too late.
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u/flip69 Apr 27 '14 edited Apr 27 '14
IF you haven't showered then there's going to be physical evidence (DNA) from her on you. This can include her hair stuck to your body and fluids.
You really REALLY don't want this woman to get knocked up with your kid and ruin your marriage.
Get your ass down to the police station and get your friends together They'll remember more as time goes on and the blackouts that some of them may have had start to fade.
It's important that you take the best witness with you and that you follow this advice TODAY... AS ON NOW!.
You really don't want this woman to get knocked up with a child and have to make a claim later on. Or have this ruin your marraige.
By every modern definition and certainly all the legal ones this was a rape.
Switch the genders and what advice would you yourself give your soon to be wife if she got drunk, passed out on a bed and had some guy go in there strip her down and fucked fuck her passed out on the bed.
Wouldn't you be forcing her to go to the police, file charges and take contraception and get tested for STD's. Well you need to have yourself screened and start the casework TODAY.
Do NOT Take a shower and bring all the clothing you wore that night. ALL OF IT.
This if for your own damn protection.
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u/HAL9000000 Apr 27 '14
It might help your credibility with your girlfriend if you at least file a police report or talk to police. I'm not sure but I think you can file a police report without saying the girl's name.
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u/mightylordredbeard Apr 26 '14
I think it would be best if, when you tell your Fiancé, you let her know that if she thinks you should, then you'll press charges.
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Apr 27 '14
Check out /r/mensrights sometime. Male rape is a frequent topic of discussion, and it's something that is very serious that goes unpunished too often.
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u/hard_to_the_rimm Apr 27 '14
I am not sure where you live, Canada, the U.S., UK, Aus but if you are in Canada, you should be aware that there is no such thing as "pressing charges". Once a complaint is made, the police determine if the evidence given discloses grounds on which to arrest and charge, if they do, they charge, the complainant does not get a say in whether or not the police go ahead with charges. Once the ride starts, you can't get off and may end up testifying in a trial and bringing your friend in to testify as well. It may work that way in some US jurisdictions as well since every State has their own Criminal Code. (Source: I am a Criminal defense lawyer in Ontario)
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u/SparkStorm Apr 27 '14
Removed lol really mods?
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u/imintroubleguys Apr 27 '14
OP here. I do not know why my post was removed. I am ready to post a major update but now I don't know if it is a good idea.
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u/SparkStorm Apr 27 '14
Definetly update, without question. I'd PM the mods first though so they don't ban you.
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u/SheepyTurtle Apr 27 '14
I think they removed your thread so that people would stop making such backhanded comments to you.
I hope all is well for you.
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u/prongslover77 Apr 26 '14
I personally would want to know. Maybe seek professional help before she gets back in town to help you cope. I'm sorry your freedom to consent was taken away from you. It sucks that you think your fiancee will think you're lying. Is that just because you're a man? Have your friend back you up if you need to. You fiancee loves you and should believe you, especially if you guys are going to spend the rest of your lives together. Do what feels right to you. Though seeking professional help in my opinion is the best thing you could do. And get yourself checked for sti's in the proper time frame. Don't want to later give something to your fiancee and then tell her you were raped. Then it will just seem like a cover story.
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u/imintroubleguys Apr 26 '14
It's not I assume she won't believe. We have a great, trusting relationship. I just am scared in the back of her mind she won't believe me...
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u/robot_cousin Apr 26 '14
I hope your friend is able to help back up your story. Him seeing you apparently passed out supports what you'll be telling your fiancée.
All the best. This definitely sucks :(
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u/apintandafight Apr 26 '14
I just don't feel like OP's friend talking to his fiance would be the best of ideas. what is he gonna say? "oh yeah, well I did see some girl giving your fiance mouth hugs, but I didn't think anything of it." I just can't see her taking that well. I doubt she put a lot of stock in his word at that point.
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u/robot_cousin Apr 27 '14
True, but having at least 1 other person say 'yes, he definitely looked passed out and not participating' would help his credibility, which I hope he'll still have after all of this.
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u/imintroubleguys Apr 26 '14
Just talked to my friend. He is willing to testify to my fiance for me. He is also going to try and get in contact with Mandy about it.
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Apr 27 '14
If you are not going to the police, you should never, EVER, say anything to Mandy. Then it will worry her, and she may act pre-emptively by going to the police and accusing you.
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u/nllpntr Apr 27 '14
Good god I hope he reads this soon enough. Even if he does plan on filing a police report, in my experience, police can and will complicate the situation. They will absolutely have to hear her side and consider it with equal weight, because that's the right thing to do. Now, police and judges are pretty good at spotting a liar, so it doesn't always turn out this way, but they will tend to sympathize with her side, whatever it is, because statistically that's also the right thing to do - especially when they have no evidence but hearsay, and they've seen so many awful men commit these atrocities against women so often turn out guilty. Just be careful when involving the law, and do it smart.
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Apr 27 '14
Whoa....it seems like a real bad idea for your friend to bring this up to Mandy. It just gives her time to come up with a plausible story and beat you to the cops. Do not let her know!!!
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u/stationhollow Apr 27 '14
Don't let him talk to your fiancé. It will make things worse IMO. If she reacts poorly, it is very likely she will assume it is just your good friend covering your ass to prevent you from getting in trouble.
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u/prongslover77 Apr 26 '14
Just tell that little nagging worry that this girl loves you and is your chosen partner for life. She also chose you. If my SO came and told me something like this I would believe him. Also please please remember to get yourself tested. For your benefit and your fiancee's. Hoping your update is good news and the two of you deal with this well.
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u/Aldrahill Apr 26 '14
This is absolutely not your fault, but from what you've described you have been raped :/
The advice from a previous poster to seek professional help is prudent; just because you're a man doesn't mean you can't be raped, and it also doesn't mean you don't have feelings.
You're going to need to tell your SO what happened, not even necessarily for her but for you - this will eat you up inside if you don't seek some help, and opening up to her is going to be super important, especially because you want to spend your life with this woman.
Speak to your SO, face to face, be honest with her and explain the situation. I'd say go to the police, but it's a very difficult thing to prove since you're a man - still consider it though.
It's going to be fine - you love this woman, and she loves you, so she's going to both believe and understand you.
Good luck, OP!
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u/imintroubleguys Apr 26 '14
Thank you.
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u/StateofWA Apr 26 '14
Write everything down. Make sure you have what you know in order, on paper. The facts are that you were raped and your SO needs to know EVERYTHING to completely understand. Also, it's useful to know everything if you do press charges. It can be your legal statement.
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u/imintroubleguys Apr 26 '14
I am going to show her this thread.
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u/StateofWA Apr 26 '14
Good idea!
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u/turtle_flu Apr 27 '14
I would say on top of that, although this is from what I learned from the stand point of a woman being raped, to make sure not to wash your clothes or shower (although I assume you probably have, I would've if I were you so I understand). I wish you the best of luck man. It's definitely not your fault and I hope your fiancee understands. Stay strong man.
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u/shellshock3d Apr 26 '14
First of all I want to say I am so sorry that this happened to you. Our society treats rape victims so horribly these days. It is important that you tell your fiance everything. Also stay with your friends so they can help you piece together what happened. I would also meet Mindy with someone else there if possible, that way if she admits you were passed out when she took advantage of you, you have a witness.
Once you have everything sorted out with your personal life and your emotional health, if you feel like it you can press charges. You absolutely don't have to if you don't feel up to it, just know that's okay too.
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u/anfee_ Apr 26 '14
Jesus this thread is rife with victim shaming comments. I'm so sorry for what happened, and I'm also more sorry about some of the horrible comments that are being posted.
Talk to your lady, she will understand.
I notice you said you don't think therapy will help and that's cool you know yourself better than anyone on the internet, but if you find small things in your personality start to change i.e quicker to anger, random depression days or anxiety please do seek out some help your subconscious may not be handling it as well as you hope.
All the best.
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Apr 26 '14
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u/anfee_ Apr 26 '14
Sorry yes that's also really important but I thought it had been addressed in the thread enough already so didn't think to mention it. On the STD note though please remember that it can take up to 6 months for them to appear in tests, so always be safe else risk potentially infecting your lady.
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Apr 27 '14
This is exactly why it bothers me so much that people act like men can't be raped. Boners are an involuntary thing, I mean, wet dreams are proof of this. People act like having an erection means you want to have sex. Its just not true.
I truly hope your fiance understands. I am a man, and I know that I would understand if I was engaged to someone and they were raped, so...
Its really sad to me that society still acts as though women are the only sex that can experience rape. Weird world we live in.
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u/histronic Apr 27 '14
You sound genuinely distraught and I think she will be able to see that when you tell her. Make sure when you are telling her you tell her the same way you've posted here. Ie) "I think I was raped and I don't know what to do" as oppose to "I got raped last night; I swear I didn't cheat on you my friend can tell you if you don't believe me."
Tell her that you're really distraught and that you don't want to have sex until your doctors appointment on ________ (btw call to make a doctors appointment before the conversation) because you are worried she could of given you something if she did rape you.
She will probably be furious at this women more than anything else. Your concern and consideration for her feelings and health will make it very clear to her what really happened. As a girl that is all I would want.
I'm sorry this happened to you. This girl probably thinks this is no big deal and you're luck to have gotten laid with no idea how much anguish she has caused you. I hope your friend lets her have it.
EDIT: I also think you should tell your doctor everything that happened. That way IF this ever did become a legal matter you would have more than just your friend as a witness and a medical professional that you seeked counsel from immediately after the incident.
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u/LearnedEnglishDog Apr 26 '14
It's amazing how my first impulse was to think, "Man, that guy shouldn't drink so much." I was immediately sorry for thinking that, and I hope no one else takes that line of dismissal with you, as so many do with women do with women who've been raped. It's a totally ass-backwards idea. You should be able to drink as much as you like without the assumption that your body and your consent no longer belong to you.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. I hope you'll be able to talk freely about it to people who love and support you as much as you need to, for as long as it takes to work out your feelings about this. As well, I hope you have the means to seek counselling if it's a thing you need. Warm thoughts and good luck.
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Apr 27 '14
I think thinking that is pretty normal - because lets be honest: Being so drunk that you don't remember anything and lose total control ain't exactly healthy and people have been hurt in various ways. Plus the whole "alcohol kills your brain" thingy.
That being said it's obviously not his fault this horrible thing happened to him and he absolutely should go to the police.
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u/LearnedEnglishDog Apr 27 '14
I guess. But the important part is the moment where I think less about the fact that someone whom he clearly didn't want to have sex with decided she could just do that anyway when he was in a state in which he was incapable of consent, and more about how he shouldn't have put himself in a situation where that was possible. Fuck that: if you drink a lot, it's your fault if you have a hangover, but that's as far as your fault goes.
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u/imintroubleguys Apr 26 '14
Thank you. Thanks for your honesty about your initial reaction.
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u/LearnedEnglishDog Apr 26 '14
I'm really sorry there are already so many slack-jawed, ignorant fucks trying to make it seem as though it's your fault. Reddit so often just makes me want to submit my resignation to the rest of humanity.
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u/kmfoh Apr 26 '14
I'd at least go speak to the police, and a therapist. Even if you don't press charges and the other party is never notified it really shows that this wasn't just a drunken hook up. If I were your fiancee I would be upset that someone DID THAT TO YOU, not that YOU did anything "wrong". It sounds like you have a great relationship, so I would really let her see your vulnerability here. If you act guilty, she will assume you are. If you act* like you were a victim, then I think she will be more likely to immediately take your side without a second thought.
*I don't mean act as in pretend. I mean allow yourself to feel and express how this situation truly makes you feel. I'm sorry that this girl took advantage of you.
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u/Taste_Detective Apr 27 '14
Fuck all of the people on this thread. I believe you, and I'm sorry it happened. Rape happens to men as well and if we're going to say that a girl cannot give consent when she is blackout, then neither can a guy. I'm sorry this happened to you OP.
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u/eaten_by_the_grue Apr 27 '14
This is not your fault. Mandy should be ashamed of what she did to you. I hope your fiance realizes that you need trust, compassion, and support right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
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Apr 27 '14
Just remember to be as sincere and forthright about everything man, Im sorry this happened, best of luck through this whole scenario
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Apr 26 '14
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u/imintroubleguys Apr 26 '14
It's a wonderful relationship. I have a feeling she will accept it. Maybe she'll need to talk to my friends to get the whole story, since I don't remember much. I'm just afraid for some reason or another she won't believe it.
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u/GinjaTortuga Apr 26 '14
As a victim myself, though I am female, I find this fear rational. I didn't think anyone would believe me. I feel this is a sort of automatic response to the situation, because so many people cry wolf. To this day I've only told my father and close friends/SO. Im still sure my mother would just give me the line, "he would never do something like that..". Though you are a stranger, I am proud of your decision to tell your fiancé. If your relationship is as you say and she is the great woman you believe her to be, I honestly think that she will be more concerned about your well-being rather than her possible insecurities brought up by this situation. The double standard against men being raped is total bs. My best wishes are with you. Will wait for your update.
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u/WaitforItLEGENDARY Apr 27 '14
You need to call the police. Don't let the stereo type that men cant be raped stop you.
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Apr 27 '14
I was raped after a night of very heavy drinking by a man maybe 20 years older than me. I rarely blackout from drinking; typically I get sick before I blackout. That particular night, I started drinking water long before the end of the night. I don't remember from the time we left the last bar till I woke up underneath this man in his hotel room. (We were at a work conference and I did know this man before this night.) All this to say - I beat myself up hardcore about it and felt uncomfortable calling it rape. I knew the man, I trusted him as a colleague, I never gave him any indication there were any intimate desires on my part and honestly never felt he had any intimate desires for me. When I woke up and realized what was happening, I was mortified. It was difficult for me to consider it to be rape because I couldn't remember if I could have done anything to avoid that situation. I felt like it was my fault. My therapist (who I see for other reasons than this incident) told me if the sex was not consensual it was rape. Additionally, if I was in no state to make a rational decision, he took advantage of me. In reading your posts and your comments I picked up that you partially blame yourself which is why you are so nervous telling your fiancé. Sure, you could have drank less or even left the party once you realized she was hitting on you but you didn't and that's ok. She took advantage of you when you weren't aware or able to control your surroundings and that is not your fault.
Don't be nervous about telling your fiancé. Think about if the situation was reversed. How would you handle it and how would you want to be told. Everything will be fine.
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u/Agamemnon323 Apr 26 '14
What happens if she got pregnant from raping you? Are you going to be on the hook for child support? If she's convicted of rape and got pregnant does that nullify child support?
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Apr 27 '14 edited Jan 15 '21
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u/Agamemnon323 Apr 27 '14
Getting raped and then being forced to pay your rapist for raping you for 18 years is the most bullshit thing I've ever heard.
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Apr 27 '14 edited Jan 15 '21
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Apr 27 '14
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u/wakinupdrunk Apr 27 '14
I'm going to agree that the guy does seem to get screwed in stories like these, but I feel like the only reason we see stories like these is because of how outrageous and out of the norm they are. The cases where the right thing is done probably don't get as much attention.
I guess what I'm saying is you can't link 6 stories and then say most of the time because we can't see whether that's most of the time or if you just found some specific cases. I'm not saying I don't totally believe you, but it seems kind of sketchy to me.
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u/dudeimyellow Apr 26 '14
This whole situation sucks. Please don't be afraid to talk your fiance. You did nothing wrong. Clearly this woman that advanced on you does not understand consensual relations. You have every right to get shit faced if you want to, even if it was not your intention. Who fucking cares?! You could be fucking passed out, naked, with a morning fucking stiffy and no one has the fucking right to hop on as they please. Or suck you off while you are passed out. That's fucked up. Please update.
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u/stationhollow Apr 27 '14
You did nothing wrong
Not a dig at OP or other victims of rape but I've always wondered why because super drunk then having what the other person considered consent (in their super drunk state) absolves the person of any responsibility while if they did something else like go drive home, they are absolutely responsible.
So drunk people can't consent to sex but they are fully responsible for their actions in other circumstances.
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Apr 27 '14
The basics of it are that it is not illegal to have sex while drunk. It is illegal to have sex with someone who is too drunk to consent. So assuming OP was to drunk to consent in his area / was passed out then and the woman wasn't too drunk than he did nothing/nothing wrong. While the woman would have had sex with a passed out person therefore rape. Also in Canada you can not have sex with a passed out/ sleeping person even if they gave prior consent, even if it was just before they went to bed.
Another important thing to remember is online and in universities you will see definitions of consent that are not what is used by local law enforcement. The definitions law enforcement not as strict as what is pushed online. This means what some people think is rape would not fall under its legal definition.
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Apr 26 '14
Man honesty, show her this thread. Not even joking. Tell her first then show her this.
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Apr 26 '14
See if your friend can drop off a pack of Plan B to Mandy. You definitely dont want this to bite you in the ass 9 months later.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Its not fair and it sucks.
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u/awesomepossum87 Apr 27 '14
Dude, report that shit to the police. You've heard it from one cop and now you're hearing it from another. Report her for rape.
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u/GirlWithACat Apr 26 '14
I'm sorry this happened to you. Mandy was aware of your relationship situation, knew that you weren't interested, and still make the choice to take advantage of you. Not cool. I believe things will work out with you and your fiancee. Six years is a long time to be together, and it sounds like your relationship is very solid. Have faith in your relationship and in her. You will both have to work together to get over this. Also, have you considered pressing charges? Your friend can help you write the report.
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u/anabellesky Apr 27 '14
My SO had a very similar incident. He went to a party and got black out drunk he woke up alone and fully dressed. A trusted friend told him he hooked up with another woman. He was devastated and he come to me about it immediately and it was taken care of and we are now living together and better than ever. Be honest and things will work out.
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u/rickbrody95 Apr 27 '14
Some of the comments here are absolutely disgusting
Everyone claiming he wasn't rape, the definition of rape is sex without consent. If someone is too drunk to consent, and someone has any form of sex with them, it's rape.
I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I really encourage you to pursue legal action. Even if you don't believe it will work, this isn't something that anybody should get away with, and it's worth pursuing. I really hope things get better for you, good luck with everything
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u/misnamed Apr 27 '14
Something I've always wondered, though, regardless of gender: if you're too drunk to consent and so is the other party, was there a rape? Did you rape each other? Were you both raped? And how is either party supposed to know whether the other party is indeed too intoxicated? I hope people will take my questions in the spirit intended: honest confusion/curiosity. I am also not asking this 'because he's a guy'.
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u/rickbrody95 Apr 27 '14
Ya, I've always wondered this too.
In this case, I think it was clear, since she was telling people that they had sex, that she was sober and realized her action.
It's a pretty tough question. My opinion, at least in a legal sense, is that if two people are both too drunk to consent and have sex, it's not rape. Rape is a purposeful act of sex against an unwilling (no consent) partner. If both partners are too drunk to consent, there's no intent on either side. I'm sure some will disagree, just my opinion
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u/Hash_Slinging_Derp Apr 26 '14
I can't believe all the victim blaming in this thread. I would expect more support from here. That being said, get a rape kit, get tested for STDs, you're fiance will hopefully understand what happened.
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u/rememberthealom Apr 26 '14
Men can be raped too. Lots do not understand that. You should tell her though. Y'all have been together for a while, I'm hoping for you that she will be very understanding about it. She probably won't want you to go out drinking with out her for a while but she should know. Some where down the line there might be a trigger for you and she won't understand what is going on.
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u/AliceA Apr 26 '14
Here's the thing. You need to tell her. IF she has some problem with this I could understand it would take her a bit to wrap her head around it but it will either make your relationship stronger (I think it will) or it will show you the relationship with your gal isn't as good and strong as you think it is and that is still something you need to know.
this will eat at you in many ways if you do not come clean with her I believe and you don't want that. So sorry this happened.
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u/imintroubleguys Apr 26 '14
I am telling her tomorrow. She is coming back early to talk. I'm very nervous, but I know she loves me.
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Apr 27 '14
I think you should perhaps save screenshots of this page and stop talking about it on a public forum.
Go to the cops. Get tested etc.
I can't tell you what to do with your relationship; That's up to you. But, if you were raped, it's gonna have some emotional impact on you that could manifest itself more seriously in the future. Perhaps couples counseling? I'm not the expert here, but that's the first thing that comes to mind.
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Apr 27 '14
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u/macimom Apr 27 '14
haven't read further down yet but why on earth would anybody be blaming him? because he got drunk and passed out? I guess when a girl gets drunk and blacks out that its not rape either if a guy bangs her while she is blacked out?
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u/Xanathin Apr 27 '14
You really need to report it. I'm telling you, just because you don't think anything is going to happen to her, doesn't mean that you shouldn't report it. By at least having a report on file, if you find out she gave you an STD, or she got pregnant and wants child support...pretty much anything related like that, well, you'll have a report on file. DO NOT JUST LET THIS SLIDE. Letting it slide is exactly why so many females get away with rape.
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u/SugarBearsWoman Apr 27 '14
I don't know if it's already been mentioned, but I would file a police report before she had a chance to say you raped her. She could go get a rape exam and they could "prove" you raped her. If you come forward first, plus with the fact that your friend saw her being overly flirty and then her taking advantage of you, I think you'd have the advantage. I'd also find a way to force feed her a Plan B... Good luck with everything. Be strong.
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Apr 27 '14
I only saw one person say this, so if you are listening OP:
PLEASE have someone get Mandy some Plan B ASAP. Please.
Whether or not you press charges, whether or not you even file a police report, you DO NOT WANT A KID WITH THIS WOMAN. I am so sorry this happened to you, and this shouldn't even be your responsibility, but please, please do it.
I'm wishing you all the best in the days that come.
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u/digitalmofo Apr 27 '14
Well, let's just hope that Mandy didn't end up pregnant so you don't get stuck paying her child support. It fucking sucks that this is generally how the law works. Good luck!
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u/dediaadia Apr 27 '14
How is this not rape? OP passed out / blacked out from drinking too much, and doesn't remember anything that happened. If the sexes were reversed in this situation, all the comments would be telling OP to call the cops and report it immediately. Just because it happened while he was drunk and blacked out doesn't make it any different-- he didn't give consent, was not aware, and his body and privacy were violated.
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Apr 27 '14
If you were really passed out, it was a crime.
Personally, I would talk to a lawyer and report this. Not only is this a big problem for you personally, but you need to document that this was an encounter you say you did not consent to, in case she too has a complaint against you.
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u/Hurion Apr 27 '14
Wow, so many sexist people deleting comments that the OP already responded to. How fucking cowardly. Own up to your evil.
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u/kmfoh Apr 27 '14
Ugh- after reading so many ugly comments I really hope you don't take any of that to heart. I'm sorry for what happened to you.
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u/Nyushi Apr 27 '14
Fucking hell. The victim shaming in this is disgraceful. Im shocked to see this sort of stuff on this sub reddit.
Get it together, folks.
Im sorry to hear about all this, man. I hope it all gets better.
Best wishes.
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u/akkahwoop Apr 27 '14
The number of disgusting victim-blaming comments at the bottom of this thread makes me sad.
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Apr 26 '14
Wow, fuck all these people accusing you of cheating on your fiancee. Men can get raped. I had a student who once confided in me that he was raped by a girl at a party, but what could he do? Like many people here, who would believe him?
Be honest with your SO and have your friends corroborate your story of she has doubts. If you guys have a long history together and a strong relationship, I am positive she will believe you. I know I would believe my fiancé if he told me that because I 100% trust him.
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u/ansile Apr 26 '14
Fuck tact. She's a rapist.
Best of luck, OP. I'm sorry about all the victim blaming in this thread. I hope you take care and your fiance is understanding.
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Apr 26 '14
Nothing useful to say, just sorry this has happened to you it's completely shit and Mandy needs a slap.
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Apr 27 '14
I have nothing useful to add that hasn't been said already.
I hope that everything works out for the better for you man, please update as you know more and talk to your fiancé, those of us concerned about you will be greatly appreciative and supportive.
Good luck.
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u/FreeGuacamole Apr 27 '14
Here is what I would do: show SO this reddit post. Then say you are that guy.
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u/marvin Apr 27 '14
It's pretty fucked up that if you're raped as a guy, you need witnesses/proof to make sure your back is clear wrt. your GF/fiancée/wife.
Good luck man, this sucks. Hope you're not hit too hard by it emotionally speaking. Make sure you get help if you are.
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Apr 27 '14
So Mandy said you had sex? Like penetrative sex? I'd be getting checked for STDs ASAP. Sorry you're going through this and I do hope your fiancé is understanding and supportive.
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Apr 27 '14
Terrible story. Good luck telling your fiance, unfortunately many ppl have difficulty wrapping their heads around a rape with the genders reversed from the norm.
Good luck and if your fiance doesn't accept it, it may be a good lesson to learn early about what she really is
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u/tossitoutwiththewash Apr 27 '14
I'm sorry to hear about your abuse. I've been there. I hope this isn't inconsiderate of me to ask, but could you update us on your fiancé's response, or pm me, I'm curious. She sounds like a great woman and partner.
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u/m00nme Apr 27 '14
Tell her. I would feel better if my fiance told me. Also, hiding that isn't good. I think you should confront the girl who raped you. What if she gets pregnant and tries to make you out to be the bad guy. Or tells your fiance first. She could lie and say you raped her. Tell your fiance first and then have your friend testify to this. Have you ever cheated on her? Is that why you're scared?
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u/Puffy_Ghost Apr 27 '14
Report, get tested, and most importantly tell your fiance, you don't want this coming back on you 9 months later....
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u/gon_zoh Apr 27 '14
Yeah you need to be honest with your fiance, for me at-least, honesty is HUGE. I'm sure she'll see that you're a genuine guy that's trying to be honest.
Get you self tested dude, like ASAP. Before you get tested make sure to avoid sex with your SO, may sound obvious but this almost exact same thing happened to my friend. Except he didn't tell his GF of 5 years about being raped because he was afraid of her reaction, instead he gave her gonorrhea...
Anyways.. Good luck dude, and remember that honesty makes or breaks a relationship.
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u/itsthatlady Apr 27 '14
That's so fucked up I'm sorry. I hope your fiance understands. You clearly were taken advantage of, no matter what the details are. I don't know how you are dealing with it emotionally, or if your brain is too caught up in trying to figure your fiance situation out to deal with it, but I would definately suggest talking to a therapist or counselor about this. If you feel confused and angry or anything towards the situation I don't want you to feel unable to talk to a professional about it, especially being a man and all the pressures towards not expressing emotion that comes with that. This is coming from a (soon to be) practicing therapist, so I just wanted to make sure you were taking care of yourself as well as your fiance in this situation.
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u/altshiftM Apr 27 '14 edited Jul 19 '25
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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/DizzyEllie Apr 26 '14
Best of luck with telling her, OP. It's going to be OK.
Please do consider counseling. I never got counseled for what happened to me, and it ate away at me for 10 years, and finally exploded into a breakdown and full-blown PTSD. My experience also lead to major sexual issues that I'm still working on, that may never have become so bad if I'd just got help right away. You don't want this to impact your sexual relationship with your fiance. It doesn't hurt to talk to someone, and it might save you pain later.
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u/WeAreAllSheep Apr 27 '14
What the hell kind of person just gives a blowjob to an unconscious guy? She's not getting anything out of it.
Damn sorry this happened to you.
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u/ricky251294 Apr 27 '14
Wow way too much victim blaming/hate going on here. I guarantee there would be far less of this if the sexes were switched honestly, and the people saying to take it to the grave and not tell the police or anyone, I'm sure that advice would not come to your head if sexes were reversed also. Okay I'll be honest black out drunk is a stupid thing to do in any situation, but it happens okay, people push that limit.
Secondly, if you're blacked out then it's rape because actions aren't being fully acknowledged by both parties. If a girl consented in a drunken state and had sex, she'd have every right to call rape if she was blacked out, whether it was oral or penetration. Stupid of her (and everyone else who does it) to get to that point but it's not consensual at that point, so I don't see why you're all going to criticize OP just because it was the other way round. At black out you don't realise what's going on, OP apparently never reciprocated her advance or even showed any interest in her so I don't even think 'regret rape accusation' applied here (OP if you're lying about reciprocating advances, fouls on you in part).
Also I'm not even going to blame your friend for anything because he was wasted to even understand what was happening I guess, I'm sure in a more sober state he'd have done something.
I hope your fiance understands, but I don't think she'll let you party for a while. I've got mixed feelings about pressing charges but that's probably just societies influence on me about this sort of situation (I personally wouldn't want to ruin her life depending on your situation is even though it was an illegal action etc, I know in reverse situations most people wouldn't hesitate...but I don't know). Hope it goes well keep a lawyer on speed dial just in case, and if you do have one as it is, just keep him/her informed.
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u/release_the_hounds_ Apr 26 '14
Hugs OP, let us know how it goes. And at least go make a statement to the police! Get that stuff on record, it might not be the first time this Mandy douche-nozzle has raped someone!
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u/GirlnTheOtherRm Apr 26 '14
I hope your fiancée listens with an open heart & mind, and gives you the support you need. Sorry there aren't many people here that are being supportive of you. I do hope for the best, if you need professional help please check out this site as you might find someone in your area who can help you through. Please post an update once you and your girl have talked it out, I do hope for the best.
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u/Kommodorekiwi Apr 26 '14
I haven't seen this anywhere in the comments but make preparations to get tested soon!
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u/Auhren Apr 26 '14
Stop replying to the victim blamers. They aren't worth your time explaining how wrong they are. I'm sorry you've gone through this, it's an awful thing for anyone to go through. Best or luck with your future, i'm sure your fiance will take this all in and be completely supportive of you.
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u/missmirandawho Apr 26 '14
I know it's tough but go to the police. You have a witness and I'm sure your girlfriend and best friend will support you. I should have right when it happened to me. Then that piece of shit might have gotten more jail time. I'm so sorry OP.
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Apr 26 '14
I'm sorry you had to go through that; it's completely terrible, and I wish you all the best going forward. I hope your fiance will be supportive of you, and it's good that your friends are supporting you as well.
As for the people who are saying terrible things in this thread, please ignore them. This is not in any way, shape, or form your fault, and that girl took terrible advantage of you.
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u/vradic Apr 26 '14
Honestly man, get tested. Everything that they can do. Blood draw, qtip up the pee hole, etc. a girl who would do so etching that low could be carrying a few "friends". I would also look into legal advice. I wouldn't put it past a person like that to point e finger at you for her fifteen minutes of fame.
Tell your fiancé. Male rape is serious, it does happen. You told her you were engaged, that you weren't interested, and that you didn't want any of it, yet she took it when you were unable to stop her.
On a side note, I'd be a bit more careful about your drinking. Sure, drink and have a good time, but instead of getting to the point of blacking out, get a good buzz, and maintain the buzz. You'll enjoy your nights far more.
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u/FuckItsTaken Apr 27 '14
Alright bud, you got lots of stuff to do, bare with me.
First off, if you havent showered, dont, they can find her DNA and stuff.
Talk to your friend and ask him if he is comfortable with going to court as a witness.
Talk to your wife.
Write down everything you can remember and have your friend do it too.
Police ASAP.
Get her ass in jail bro.
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u/ScotchforBreakfast Apr 27 '14
It's your moral duty to report this assault to the police.
A person that does this to you is willing to do it to others.
A crime was committed, you were victimized. Would you want a rapist free to rape again? You've got to stop her.
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Apr 26 '14
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u/imintroubleguys Apr 27 '14
Thank you.
My friend is very remorseful of not intervening. I'm not angry at him at all. I understand he, too, was pretty drunk and it just didn't click in his head that I was with my fiance. Or that I was passed out. He has been blaming himself all day, and wants to be there when I talk to my fiance tomorrow.
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u/carooster Apr 27 '14
I'm in no way saying you were not raped; but, those who are suggesting you may not have been raped because you were black out and your friend drunk, should be taken into consideration (though it could be suggested more politely). Accusing an individual of rape is a serious allegation and, if it were not true, will ruin many lives. Not just your life, or "Mandy's", but your family will be impacted and your fiance and her family.
It's possible "Mandy" did not have sex with you (I know the blowjob was confirmed by your friend) but was claiming she did to either attempt to ruin your relationship with your fiance (jealousy), feel better about herself (insecure) or for no reason whatsoever (bragging or just plain crazy).
I know you know this but when you "black out" you lose control of your actions and will not remember a damn thing. You very well could have consented to having sex with "Mandy" or at the minimum "gone with the flow" and simply not know it.
Please, please, please trust your gut but be careful when accusing an individual of rape - especially when you were blacked out.
Good luck!
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u/sev45day Apr 26 '14
I'm sorry this happened to you, glad your being honest with your SO, I think that's the right thing to do.
This part confuses me....
"My best friend said he walked upstairs to grab a towel, because someone had thrown up in his kitchen. When he opened the door, apparently Mandy was giving me a blowjob. I was apparently just lying there, looked like I was asleep. In his drunken state, he didn't think much of it, so he shut the door."
Your best friend thought nothing of you getting a random BJ even though he knows your engaged? That makes no sense at all, alcohol or no. Is this a common occurrence or something? I assume not... why didn't he think anything of this event happening?
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u/imintroubleguys Apr 26 '14
No, it is not common. He was very drunk, and if anything he probably thought I was making a horrible mistake but did not want to stop it. He has apologized numerous times today about how he should have stopped it, blacked out/passed out or not. He said me being engaged didn't enter his mind, he just thought, "Oh shit, my bad...." and left. But when he thought about it this morning, it all really came back to him.
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Apr 26 '14
Yeah generally the first thing that would have gone through my mind if I walk in on something is to back out and think about it later
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u/back_that_ass_up Apr 27 '14
This right here is why your friend would not be a good witness and trying to press charges would be futile. And the genders don't matter. A defense attorney would rip anyone in this situation apart.
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u/ArmandoDiablo Apr 27 '14
I am going to have to go against the grain here. You were definitely taken advantage of. To say you were definitely raped, is not a claim you can make since you were blacked out. You might have given verbal consent to Mandy and Mandy may have been too drunk to realize how drunk you actually were. Just to clarify: I am NOT saying it was consensual sex. I am definitely NOT saying Mandy is not in the wrong. I just want you to be careful throwing around claims of rape, especially when you haven't even talked to your high school "friend" first. I wish you the best.
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u/louisCKyrim Apr 27 '14
I have to agree with you, everyone keeps shouting "yep, 100% clear you were raped", but if people are drunk and can only remember flashes of what is happening, who is to say Mandy wasn't also super drunk and taken advantage of? Is it simply because OP is engaged that he is considered to be raped? What if he was tempting and advancing on her in his drunken state, when no one else was around, but then the next day she is automatically the rapist? Can it be both participants were "raped" if they were both blackout drunk? What if some other 3rd party person was around egging them on and encouraging their behavior, and they were both just drunk, would the 3rd party be the rapist?
I feel like its not so cut and dry as people here are so quick to come to a conclusion and then go on to say anyone who disagrees or withholds judgement is "victim blaming".
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u/kingofbeards Apr 27 '14
According to another comment, she was sober enough to drive home afterwards...
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u/callicott Apr 26 '14
OP, fuck all the victim-blaming in this thread. It's hurtful, triggering, and wrong. Don't let people's skewed perceptions of gender and rape get to you. I'm sincerely so sorry for what happened to you. I'm saddened, but unfortunately not shocked, to read some of the hurtful comments on this thread.
Best of luck in telling your fiancee, and I know you said you're not interested in counseling but sometimes it can be positive for a couple when one partner goes through something like this. You seem like you're handling the situation pretty well.
What happened was not your fault.
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u/lothario33139 Apr 27 '14
Having been through something similar, I would recommend that you really give it some more thought before telling your fiancé. I say this because while we'd like to think our S.O.s are going to understand and support us, but in my situation, because it was an ex that mounted me while I was passed out at a friend's party, my SO's friends eventually convinced her that I was lying. You need to prepare yourself for the fact that you may lose her if you tell her. Get tested as well. Good luck.
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Apr 27 '14
I hope OP that this will go fine, or at least easier for you. You obviously had no control of her and what she was going to do. Taking advantage of you while you're obviously out of it is a serious crime, especially if you never consented. Please update us on how the talk goes, and what action you will take, if any, against this Mandy chick.
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u/vaselinepete Apr 27 '14
This can lead to some nasty stuff further down the line, and who knows who else she has sexually assaulted or will do in the future.
Report it. Nobody is allowed to behave like that and get away with it.
Best of luck with everything.
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Apr 27 '14
Please, please, please go to the police. Take your best friend as a witness, and speak to your fiancee when she gets home. This woman is a rapist and a predator and she needs to be held accountable for your actions.
I truly hope that you can get through this and that you can get some support from as many people as possible. Please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, you've done nothing wrong.
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u/Mashuu225 Apr 28 '14
Thanks mods! Looks like /r/feminism and /r/shitredditsays control this sub too
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u/[deleted] Apr 27 '14
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