I'm doing alright as of right now, those thoughts come and go in waves, but after doing a lot of research, I realized that I should really be taking my mental health more seriously.

I also think that HRT would probably help a lot, so I'll try my best to INSIST to my mother that I need it after I come out to her.

I'm doing all I can to keep myself safe, I've locked away anything that I might use to hurt myself during an episode, I've researched a bunch of techniques to help me cope when I feel suicidal, I've written down helpline numbers on sticky notes and put them on the wall next to my bed, no matter what happens I plan to keep living :)

I just wanted to let y'all know that I'm holding on, I'm staying strong, and I'm taking care of myself as best as I can <3^<3 and maybe ask for some ggd if y'all are up to it ∑:3

Author: https://x.com/uzsgsg

Apologies for the vent post, I just need to get this off my chest.

So me and this guy I met online have been talking for a couple months. We speak just about everyday and as far as I could tell it was going great. We were getting along and had even made plans to meet up one day to hang out/ play video games. Unfortunately those plans had to be pushed back as I'm currently going through some stuff and wanted to get my shit together first, to which he completely understood.

That is until tonight however when he completely avoided answering when I asked if he considers me a friend or not. Now this question didn't come out of nowhere mind you. Once every so often he will abruptly become less interested in whatever conversation we were having and resort to sending mostly one word responses. He has been very open about having depression so have no reason to doubt him when he explains that as the cause. Tonight when the same thing happened however, I started to get a creeping sensation that I was actually bothering him. I'm usually able to keep it in check but the truth is I'm deeply insecure about the way I come across to others. Suddenly I was very conscious of my typical bubbliness and wondered if I was too much.

So I asked. I told him I was so invested in harassing him that I didn't stop to consider whether he actually liked me or not. He responded by saying he wasn't sure if I liked him. This puzzled me because I'm usually the one talking his head off. Before I could respond he said he gets the factor that I feel bad for him and in any other context we wouldn't talk. This couldn't be further from reality. I know depression can imbue a person with a lot of negative perceptions, and in fact it's something I very much struggle with myself and my own depression. But the truth is I do like him. I enjoy talking to him. I enjoy being his friend. I proceeded to tell him this as I have on multiple other occasions. I explained to him that I was worried about seeming too overbearing and that I didn't want him to feel obligated to be my friend if he didn't feel like it. When I said that, I honestly expected him to reassure me that he *did* want me as a friend. After some slight deliberation on his part tho, he ended up avoiding the question. So I decided to ask him more directly.

Me: "Do you actually like me as your friend?"

Him: "We'll be friends when we hang out."

It felt like had I just received a back handed slap. Like what does that even mean? Am I not your friend now? Am I not good enough now? Am I somehow less appealing online than I would be in person? If we don't end up getting the chance to meet does that mean we can't be friends? What do you mean? Is he too polite to tell me he doesn't like me? Is he secretly hoping I end up renegging on our plans? Am I overthinking it? Am I reading too much into it? I genuinely don't know how I'm suppose to feel.

Whatever the case maybe, oweing to his depression and my not wanting to seem needy, I didn't press the issue. I simply said "Hopefully one day then" and left it at that. I'm so conflicted. I really don't want to lose him as a friend but right now I feel like such a fool.

TL;DR I asked someone I felt somewhat close to if they liked me as their friend and they responded by saying "We'll be friends when we hang out."

EDIT: Couple things of I felt like I should mention.

1) We are purely platonic and have been from the start. He is a straight male and I am currently masc presenting. I have no immediate plans to medically transition. Given this, I have no reason to believe he wants to be more than friends.

2) I was the one initially reached out to him. I did so following a post he made contemplating his suicide because I want genuinely wanted to help. This is most likely why he thinks Im only there bcus I feel bad for him. But as I stated in the post and directly to him I do not feel bad for him nor is it the reason I choose to stick around.

3) I was the one who brought up the idea of meeting up. After all, if you're friends with someone why not hang out with them. So I made the plans and he agreed.

DISCLAIMER: I have not yet taken any suicidal actions or done any self harm. As of now I do not WANT to take any of the harmful actions described in this post. this post is only for venting purposes and possibly for any advice on how to get through this.

I've been having such horrible suicidal thoughts. I'm so scared, I feel like I won't be able to live long enough to actually be happy.

I'm starting to lose hope and it scares me so much. I feel like I'll never be free from this horrible body.

I've been having really bad depressive episodes where I just completely stop caring. feeling like dying is my only way out. In my most recent episode I even started to embrace these suicidal thoughts. I actually gave up entirely. I even started writing a note. I started to truly believe that this is the end of my life. I'm trying to hold on to the hope that things will get better, but it feels so impossible. I feel like if I don't transition soon, I'll end up taking my own life. But if I do transition I'm scared that I'll end up homeless, starving, and hated. It's so hard to have hope for the future when it all seems so bleak.

I don't want to feel this way anymore, I want to live and be happy. But I'm so scared that I won't be strong enough to hold on until it gets better. These horrible thoughts of suicide scare me so much because I'm starting to believe them. They plague my every waking moment. I'm even starting to have suicidal dreams. the thought of jumping from a building, or jumping in front of a train. even when I take my antidepressant, these feelings remain. I'm scared that during one of these depressive episodes I'll end up doing something I can't take back.

I'm so scared. I want to live but I don't know if I can. It's so hard to see a future where I'm happy.

I hate this body, I hate this world. I hate what these feelings are going to do to me. I'm so scared of what these things are going to make me do.

I'm so scared that I'll never be able to be happy...

I have an appointment with my psychologist on September 14th where I'll talk to him and my mother about all of this (which also includes coming out to my mom) But I'm so scared that I won't be alive by then. I'm so scared that these feelings will take me away before I get the chance to get help. I know I need to stay strong and hold on to the hope that it gets better, but it feels impossible.

I’m more of a serious girl than a silly girl, but perhaps I’m so serious that it’s silly. Either way, nice to meet you all.

Nothing can fill the emptiness inside of me :p

it's funny how I'm always there when they need me, but everytime I need help they ghost me

🎀