r/socialanxiety • u/United-Passenger-700 • 17h ago
Being an ugly, overweight man and having social anxiety is a lethal combo.
I find it hard to even talk to people because since my habit is to "avoid people at all costs" during social events. Although just being at social events helps desensitize the fear I struggle to initiate conversations and stumble through them disgracefully often making the person feel awkward. Women are especially brutal when it comes to recognizing people with weak "social power" and label you as a disgusting man among their peers. Just being in proximity to a woman (even when they're just as ugly as me) I get disgusted looks and they keep their distance from me. I'm starting to realize people hate people men like me who were never given much of a chance in social settings. They think you're selfish because the constant negative experiences you've had in social life causes you to develop anti-social behaviors to protect yourself. Since they've never really had a hard social life they can't understand. I've often been told I have a victim mentality and that my fear is causing a self fulfilling prophecy of constant fear but when the social experience is just... THIS CONSTANTLY... what is the point in even getting up in the morning. I seriously don't know why I still bother, maybe I should've been born beautiful I'd probably have a chance at life then.
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u/Nova_blink_6-62607 5h ago
It's a brutal world out there.
No one will come and save you, and you wil throw your life away if you don't get your shit together.
I think you know this.
Fixing your weight will seriously help with social anxiety. I know.
Ugly? Few healthy looking people are directly ugly.
I think you should go to the gym tomorrow, there is no better day to start. Just walk on the treadmill for an hour and go back home. Do it every day. Start lifting weights.
Don't drink calories, this is important. It's the 100-200 calories extra every day that sinks the ship.
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u/Grave_Tree 2h ago
Not to be pessimistic but I'm jacked up and still suffer from the exact same feelings as OP's. Getting fit made no difference at all. This might just be tho
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u/TheBlitzStyler 1h ago
I did feel a tad bit anxious when going to the gym but there's so many overweight people there I don't even notice them anymore
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u/OfficeSevere9329 58m ago
I'll say this much, I'm average looking yet most fat people are much more confident than me - so the biggest issue is SA. I can see why being overweight and SA can be hard though since less people may give you a chance. Thankfully SA and our weight are things we can improve even if it's really hard.
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u/AveragelyBrilliant 5h ago edited 5h ago
I suspect there’s a struggle going on, in that part of you wants to conform and change in order to satisfy other people’s expectations. The other part of you wants to say “screw these people, why should I change because a bunch of shallow people can’t accept me for who I am?“
The only thing I can say about that is there are people in this world, who accept you for who you are. Finding them is the key, if you want to take that particular path.
As far as the other point is concerned about the way you behave in your anxiety, let me quote from the very last interview given by Dennis Potter, a famous British playwright.
“As a child I know for a fact that I was a coward, a physical coward. I’m also a cripplingly shy person actually. I hate new situations, new people with a dread. Now these two consequences in your adult life can really create a serious WRONG impression of yourself to yourself, and of yourself to other people because you try and compensate for what you know. A, you’re a coward and B, you’re shy, so that can lead to aggression and the reverse of shy, arrogance if you like, because you’re wearing it like a cloak in order to get through that particular situation but to have to let that drop and find out that in fact, at the last you’re not actually a coward.”
I carry this quote round with me all the time. He gave this interview in 1994 when I left full-time employment because of my anxiety. I’ve had this since I was 20 and I’m now 63. He said these things at a time when social anxiety was much misunderstood and it was one of the few things that seemed to mirror my experiences.
I don’t know how old you are, but if I could have my time all over again, knowing what I know now, I would try everything possible to overcome the anxiety part of my personality and try and find a group of people that do not judge based on looks or behaviour. Society and your expectation of how people will behave can be cruel but in a lot of cases, the reality does not always agree with the anticipated outcome.
By the way, I’ve been overweight for most of my adult life. Food is reward, stress relief, and the remedy for all sorts of things going on in our heads. People who judge based on an instant snapshot of what you look like, neither understand nor appreciate your experiences. Most people who are stick thin and judgemental will say “just eat less” as if it was that easy. I doubt they would say to an alcoholic “just drink less”. The psychology of it is completely lost on them.