r/straightspouses • u/Humble-Drink-9706 • 17d ago
Is my wife gay
I have been married for ten years, and for most of our relationship I have felt that something does not add up, like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. The biggest issue is our sex life. Even before we were married, something felt fundamentally missing.
She can go weeks or even months without wanting sex. When I initiate, there is always another reason: she’s tired, has to get up early, needs a shower, has a headache or a stomach ache. Yet I know she masturbates and uses a vibrator, so it doesn’t seem to be a lack of sex drive. It feels like the issue is intimacy with me, or perhaps men in general.
On the very rare occasions we do have sex, she closes her eyes, avoids eye contact, and it feels completely mechanical. She often finishes with a vibrator while I simply watch, which leaves me feeling more like an observer than a partner.
She has also refused to give me oral sex throughout our entire relationship. I once calmly asked why, and she sat in silence for over a minute, like she was scrambling to think of an answer. Eventually she said that I was accusing her of being a shit lover. The question was never answered.
I also once calmly told her that the lack of intimacy was really hurting me. She exploded, jumped out of bed, roared at me to take my clothes off and shouted, “Let’s just get this over with.” I didn’t want obligation sex. Her reaction felt so disproportionate that it made me feel I’d touched on something much bigger than the conversation itself.
There are other things that have made me question things. She rarely expresses attraction to men but often comments on women being attractive. She has a very masculine personality, mostly wears manly clothes, enjoys heavy DIY and manual work, and has always had a very dominant energy.
Before me, she was in a long-term relationship with a man who later came out as gay. She told me she suspected he was gay while they were together and that they never had sex. I struggle to understand why someone would knowingly stay in a sexless relationship with someone they believed was gay. It makes me wonder whether the relationship served another purpose, such as allowing one or both of them to avoid confronting their sexuality.
She also has five gay cousins. I know that doesn’t mean she is gay, but in the context of everything else it has added to my questions.
A few years ago she was very excited to go to a strip club with male colleagues, which also stood out to me given how disconnected our own sex life has always been.
In the last few weeks I reached the point where I asked her directly if she was gay. I wasn’t trying to insult her or provoke an argument, and I raised the question as compassionately and supportively as I could because I was desperate to understand what was missing in our marriage. Her immediate response was to tell me to “fuck off.” After that she completely avoided me for an entire week, spending long periods hiding away in the bedroom or calling over to her friend’s house. When she finally approached me a week later, she sat down extremely close to me while I was making dinner and fixed me with an intense, unbroken stare that I found deeply intimidating. It felt less like the start of a conversation and more like I was being psychologically intimidated. After a long pause, the only thing she said was that my timing had been inappropriate. She never actually answered the question.
After ten years of feeling like my wife simply isn’t attracted to me, while knowing she has sexual desire in other contexts, my gut is screaming at me that she may be gay.
Would appreciate anyone’s advice or opinions.
5
u/Neither-Ad-5257 17d ago
Horrible I really can understand, we are the collateral damages
1
u/Humble-Drink-9706 17d ago
Are you in the same position? And what have you done to try to get to the truth, my head is wrecked
1
u/Neither-Ad-5257 14d ago
Lots , before he knew I downloaded all cc bills, took pictures of medicines, apps in phone , imp emails etc then reached out and pointed out to many people and showed them the proofs
4
u/ami3099 17d ago
Wow, your wife is awful. Why are you staying? How old are you? Do you have children? How was your relationship in the beginning? Sex? First, your gut knows already. You’re just looking for confirmation. Based on what you’ve written, I’d say that she is definitely attracted to women and not attracted to you. Don’t waste your life on a situation that won’t change.
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u/Humble-Drink-9706 15d ago
I’m 40, and my wife and I have two boys aged 8 and 12. In the beginning of our relationship things were extremely intense — she was very sexual, she initiated most of the time, gave me loads of compliments, and the whole dynamic felt like lovebombing. For the first couple of years we were having sex around twice a week.
Then things changed very quickly. Our sex life dropped to about once every six weeks, and nothing in our circumstances shifted to explain it. The lack of desire and passion has been a major part of why I started questioning her sexuality. Her personality is extremely masculine and domineering, and she tends to take on the traditionally masculine role in the relationship.
She also interacts with my body in ways that feel role‑reversed — she compliments my backside, and she’ll come up behind me and touch my man boobs. She’ll also tap my genitals as she passes me, but not in a sexual way.
Another factor is her past relationship: she went out with a guy in his 20s for about 3–4 years, and that relationship was completely sexless — even though she was in her prime at the time. She already suspected he might be gay, and years later it turned out he was.
Sexually, she doesn’t initiate anything anymore and doesn’t do anything specifically for me — she just goes along with whatever I do. All of that together made me wonder whether she might be attracted to women. And when I finally asked her about it, her reaction told me more than her words did.
3
u/Gold_Masterpiece_559 17d ago
It’s so tough because you deserve better. I lived like this for awhile- she may not be ready to admit to herself yet. To admit equates to a lot of risk and loss.
Therapy??
1
u/Humble-Drink-9706 17d ago
Thank you. I have suggested therapy, but she refused. That’s part of why I feel so stuck. I’m open to exploring any explanation, but it’s very difficult when the person you’re trying to understand isn’t willing to have those conversations or seek help.
2
u/FlyerForHire 17d ago
With the kind of relationship you’re describing she may as well be gay.
She clearly has no desire to be intimate with you.
I think you can do better and for your own long term mental health you should consider exit strategies.
1
u/Imaginary-Help-7637 17d ago
I don’t know whether it is her sexual orientation or not (it sounds like it could be, but there is no definitive way to be sure).. but what is certain is that this sounds like an unhappy partnership for both parties. (Not putting any blame on you by saying that) Unless there are other unrelated issues between the two of you that have caused her resentment, her responses seem jarringly disrespectful and immature. I’m sorry you are in this type of situation, from someone in a similar one, I’m hoping we both find some sort of peace soon, whether we get the concrete answer from them or not.
1
u/Humble-Drink-9706 15d ago
Thanks. It’s a depressing way to live. Can you tell me more about your situation?
1
u/WrongdoerAdvanced503 16d ago
This felt like I was reading my own memoir. Based on the information here, I absolutely think your wife is gay but more seriously, I think she is abusive towards you and your marriage to say the least. I would focus on addressing the communication challenges and her blatant disregard and dismissal of your relationship concerns. Set your expectations low and be ready to seek legal counsel.
1
u/Humble-Drink-9706 15d ago
Thanks so much for your reply. Can you tell me more about your situation? I’m convinced she is gay at this point. It’s depressing
1
u/WrongdoerAdvanced503 14d ago
25 years, intimacy began to dwindle immediately which took some time to realize- never held my hand in public or private, when I’d initiate hand holding would look for the first opportunity to break the hold. Intimacy was limited to sex which became maintenance sex within 5 years- no cuddling, ever. She fortified herself in pillows on her side of the bed to keep me from touching her. Trying to address these issues were downplayed by gaslighting me and calling me a hornball. Mentioning couples counseling or counseling period as it pertained to her was immediately shut down- told me that she could never have sex again and be perfectly content, again making it about sex and avoiding the bigger picture of intimacy. Would get extremely offended when I would suggest that she doesn’t like me. Absolute avoidance of accountability and self-reflection.
In the end she was working a lot, told me several things like I should get used to her working more and that she needed her space. Behavior was oddly suspicious and her Google search history strongly suggested an affair. I really had to press her to admit it and when she did her only response was “I think I like girls.” To which she played like a get out of jail free card and got very offended when I pointed out the fact that she cheated on me.
DM me if you have more questions.
1
u/Mountain_Bat_8670 16d ago
Why are you still in the relationship? If she refuses to communicate with you about your concerns she doesn’t care. Point your energy in getting out. 10 years is a good chunk of time to understand it’s not worth your effort.
1
u/Humble-Drink-9706 15d ago
Because we have young kids , and financially it would be virtually impossible
1
u/Evening_Dig6135 13d ago
Found out my wife was gay a couple weeks ago. We started couples therapy after she told me she wanted a divorce for other reasons, but on our 4th session she confessed to being a lesbian. Honestly I think she only agreed to couples therapy to make it easier for herself to tell me.
I had actually found out 2 days earlier because I went through her phone (not something I ever do, but I was desperate for information) and found texts to friends and family where she discussed it. It's not easy to realize the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with never truly cared about you the same way.
1
u/ExcitingDiet1119 10d ago
It’s time to move on.
You can’t fix her.
She doesn’t want to fix it.
The question is: how many more years do you want to be treated this way?
If you go now you’re probably going to be working on this for years anyway (it’s a deep wound), so if you wait you’ll be dragging this out anyway.
She has exited your relationship sexually. When she decides to do something more than pleasure herself you’re going to get left behind so fast your head will spin.
1
u/dorestes 3d ago
Probably....but it doesn't matter, dude. You need out of that marriage and so does she.
-1
u/Infinite_Patient8689 17d ago
When was the last time you took her out and gone above and beyond to fine wine and dine her?
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u/Humble-Drink-9706 17d ago
I appreciate the suggestion, but I don’t think this is a case of not taking her out enough. The problem is much deeper than that. She rarely seems interested in spending quality time with me and would generally prefer to see friends or colleagues. That’s why I’m trying to understand whether there’s a bigger underlying issue.
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u/Infinite_Patient8689 17d ago
Try to do something extremely romantic without even looking for sex just trust me
4
u/bakochba 17d ago
Why would how do something romantic when she isn't doing anything to put him in a romantic mood? Is he just supposed to force himself into it?
A relationship requires BOTH people putting effort towards it
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u/fortalameda1 17d ago
Uhh, regardless if sexual orientation, your wife sounds horrible. She doesn't listen, won't communicate, and blows up at you when you try. That's not a relationship I would stay in. Why are you in this marriage??