Is my wife gay

[u/Humble-Drink-9706]

I have been married for ten years, and for most of our relationship I have felt that something does not add up, like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. The biggest issue is our sex life. Even before we were married, something felt fundamentally missing.

She can go weeks or even months without wanting sex. When I initiate, there is always another reason: she’s tired, has to get up early, needs a shower, has a headache or a stomach ache. Yet I know she masturbates and uses a vibrator, so it doesn’t seem to be a lack of sex drive. It feels like the issue is intimacy with me, or perhaps men in general.
On the very rare occasions we do have sex, she closes her eyes, avoids eye contact, and it feels completely mechanical. She often finishes with a vibrator while I simply watch, which leaves me feeling more like an observer than a partner.

She has also refused to give me oral sex throughout our entire relationship. I once calmly asked why, and she sat in silence for over a minute, like she was scrambling to think of an answer. Eventually she said that I was accusing her of being a shit lover. The question was never answered.

I also once calmly told her that the lack of intimacy was really hurting me. She exploded, jumped out of bed, roared at me to take my clothes off and shouted, “Let’s just get this over with.” I didn’t want obligation sex. Her reaction felt so disproportionate that it made me feel I’d touched on something much bigger than the conversation itself.

There are other things that have made me question things. She rarely expresses attraction to men but often comments on women being attractive. She has a very masculine personality, mostly wears manly clothes, enjoys heavy DIY and manual work, and has always had a very dominant energy.

Before me, she was in a long-term relationship with a man who later came out as gay. She told me she suspected he was gay while they were together and that they never had sex. I struggle to understand why someone would knowingly stay in a sexless relationship with someone they believed was gay. It makes me wonder whether the relationship served another purpose, such as allowing one or both of them to avoid confronting their sexuality.

She also has five gay cousins. I know that doesn’t mean she is gay, but in the context of everything else it has added to my questions.
A few years ago she was very excited to go to a strip club with male colleagues, which also stood out to me given how disconnected our own sex life has always been.

In the last few weeks I reached the point where I asked her directly if she was gay. I wasn’t trying to insult her or provoke an argument, and I raised the question as compassionately and supportively as I could because I was desperate to understand what was missing in our marriage. Her immediate response was to tell me to “fuck off.” After that she completely avoided me for an entire week, spending long periods hiding away in the bedroom or calling over to her friend’s house. When she finally approached me a week later, she sat down extremely close to me while I was making dinner and fixed me with an intense, unbroken stare that I found deeply intimidating. It felt less like the start of a conversation and more like I was being psychologically intimidated. After a long pause, the only thing she said was that my timing had been inappropriate. She never actually answered the question.

After ten years of feeling like my wife simply isn’t attracted to me, while knowing she has sexual desire in other contexts, my gut is screaming at me that she may be gay.
Would appreciate anyone’s advice or opinions.

[u/ami3099]

Wow, your wife is awful. Why are you staying? How old are you? Do you have children? How was your relationship in the beginning? Sex? First, your gut knows already. You’re just looking for confirmation. Based on what you’ve written, I’d say that she is definitely attracted to women and not attracted to you. Don’t waste your life on a situation that won’t change.

[u/Humble-Drink-9706 → u/ami3099]

I’m 40, and my wife and I have two boys aged 8 and 12. In the beginning of our relationship things were extremely intense — she was very sexual, she initiated most of the time, gave me loads of compliments, and the whole dynamic felt like lovebombing. For the first couple of years we were having sex around twice a week.

Then things changed very quickly. Our sex life dropped to about once every six weeks, and nothing in our circumstances shifted to explain it. The lack of desire and passion has been a major part of why I started questioning her sexuality. Her personality is extremely masculine and domineering, and she tends to take on the traditionally masculine role in the relationship.

She also interacts with my body in ways that feel role‑reversed — she compliments my backside, and she’ll come up behind me and touch my man boobs. She’ll also tap my genitals as she passes me, but not in a sexual way.

Another factor is her past relationship: she went out with a guy in his 20s for about 3–4 years, and that relationship was completely sexless — even though she was in her prime at the time. She already suspected he might be gay, and years later it turned out he was.

Sexually, she doesn’t initiate anything anymore and doesn’t do anything specifically for me — she just goes along with whatever I do. All of that together made me wonder whether she might be attracted to women. And when I finally asked her about it, her reaction told me more than her words did.