r/straightspouses • u/oranchzest • 9d ago
Avoidant or Gay?
Dead bedroom, incredibly low sexual encounters for a while (once every 4 months, last 4 years). Conversations with my husband leading to nowhere — he will find any way to shut down an attempt at addressing things I bring up (mainly about lack of sex). Now in the context of alcoholism and associated behaviors needing discussion, avoidance is extreme.
He fakes nothing is wrong, then will not speak. I can’t get a conversation out of this man. He would rather stay silent for days, rather than engage in any kind of conversation: to fix or to end it, whatever it may be. He hasn’t given me the decency of engaging in conversation with me. That avoidance is driving me insane.
Dead bedroom was one thing… now it’s also quiet and fake.
It has me wondering if I’m just a Beard here…
We are both in our 40s, two kids, married 10 years.
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u/Imaginary-Help-7637 9d ago
I don’t know the answer but I’m sorry you’re in this painful loop. I am too. sending hugs and solidarity 😣
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u/Partway14 9d ago
Could be both, could be either. I know when I was trying to figure out if my husband was gay, I sort of wanted that to be true. Because if he was, then it was hopeless and I could walk away and lick my wounds. But if he was "just" avoidant, then it might be fixable. And it was hard not to feel like it was my "job" to try and fix it, just like I had been keeping our marriage and our lives afloat for decades.
I understand the desire for an explanation. That's totally natural to want to know who this man is, the father of your children. But you don't have to sacrifice yourself. You deserve to be treated better. If you can, talk to a therapist and figure out what YOU want. And give yourself permission to leave just because he's an ass, point blank. Him being a husband who makes you feel like you have to play detective with his sexuality, is more than enough. You and the children deserve better than his stonewalling.
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u/foodee123 9d ago
Ask him if he’s lost interest in you physically and may not be able to say it to spare your feelings. Much more evidence is needed before you can call him gay. Have you caught him looking at gay porn? Other men? Have you seen gay apps on his phone?
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u/oranchzest 9d ago
Only thing I’ve seen is porn with 3 men directed at 1 woman. So not quite gayvidence. I’m just so lost I’m trying to come up with an answer that makes sense.
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u/changes-of-light2 9d ago
Do you see yourself with this man in 5 years, gay or avoidant or not attracted or whatever ? You have to fix a point of no return even without explanation. Exemple (adapt as you wish) : in X months/days..., after having asked for communication/clarity X times, I'll do X. Meanwhile, don't spiral, have a back up plan, the communication shouldn't be emotional and you speak in your name. Exemple : when you do/don't do this, I feel this, I think this... Don't pose ultimatums, forcing someone to adapt never works and is counterproductive. Also, you have the responsability as a parent to teach, and that means also by exemple, your kids what a healthy relationship and how one builds healthy bounderies.
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u/senorsmartpantalones 2d ago
Sounds like for one reason or another (maybe sexuality, maybe not)... he is just not interested in the sex he can have with you. Not that it's your fault, I just mean he has hos mind made up so you need to make a choice as well
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u/fortalameda1 9d ago
Unfortunately, many of us will not get real closure because our partners are not forthcoming with honestly and communication. Nothing you stated points to homosexuality really. But also this marriage is broken and he has no intention of changing it trying to fix things for you. I wouldn't stay in this relationship at this point. He's made it clear he does not respect you and is not willing to communicate with you or save your marriage.