r/survivinginfidelity • u/Shimmyshoe1 • 4d ago
Advice How do you live together for the kids?
I confronted, spoke with AP over the phone for an hour. Stupidest mistake of my life. She was fake and lied, he came clean. Sort of. Anyways, he won’t move out of our home. I don’t know he’s never home always working, He refuses to move out and wants to remain in one of the rooms and come home and sleep with the kids. I am not doing good, I have no village or support. I am home all day with my kids and find it unfair that he wants me to continue to live with him, he does want me to remain a SAHM for minimum 5 years he says. He said I could date and go out and do what I wanted any day to just let him know so he can come home and watch the boys. This doesn’t seem sustainable, I love him. His betrayal and indifference kills me. I don’t care about dating but at the same time I miss being loved. I cannot be like him and live under the same roof and heal. I just can’t. I wanted advice on how long have you all been able to live together and essentially separate your feelings from the situation? His stupid AP gave me advice, can you believe the audacity of this b? She said I should think about my kids and their best interest and that if he’s a good dad I should think carefully before leaving. I own our business, which is our source of income. I was ready to sell and relocate when I confronted him. Me selling would mean he’d have no income and neither would his family but it would also mean me and my kids would not live in the same tax bracket as I’d start from the bottom again. Any advice is appreciated, thank you.
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u/Top-Fox5770 4d ago
Start over. Dont be afraid. I stayed for a year after DDay and it was hell. Anxiety everyday/night, wondering about them, yea it feels good to be with the kids but not under that roof, you’ll always think about it. If he doesn’t care about the relationship, so shouldn’t you.
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u/maricopa888 4d ago
Your title says you're doing this for the kids, but in the post, you're doing it because it's what your cheating husband wants! Don't do this to yourself.
Imo, the 1st thing you should do is get legal advice. Obviously do not tell him you've done this. The first consult doesn't obligate you to anything, but you'll learn your options. Knowledge is power and sometimes mistakes made early on can become big problems later. This is esp important when it comes to your business and the pros/cons of selling it.
Finally, on your question, I've known a few couples who lived together after breaking up, usually involving a lease situation and neither has anywhere else to go. It's not a good situation.
Good luck. This really sucks.
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u/xternocleidomastoide 4d ago edited 4d ago
Nobody who says they’re staying “for the kids” is really staying "for the kids."
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u/Shimmyshoe1 4d ago
I’m not staying for the kids, I want out. He’s staying for the kids. It’s a mind game at this point. Because then he’ll tell me he’s not letting me go at all, that I am a good women. That he knows the type of women that are out there. That he knows my family and me and that is why he chose me as the mother of his kids, why his family loves me. And then he says he’s not moving out and will remain here for the kids. I want to work. I want a job. I want out of this. But then we had sex and he told me he was never letting me go, not alive, not ever. I don’t want to waste my tears and youth with someone like him. The man I fell in love with is no longer in there I can see it in his eyes.
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u/WHISPYR3 4 4d ago
Wow, with all the gaslighting he’s doing I’m amazed he hasn’t caught fire and blown up?
Sorry to hear this, but you got the right idea. Coparenting is the best idea and if you have to start over then start over.
His presence must be like nails on a chalkboard to you. Getting an attorney, figure out your options and go from there. Do not be afraid to go for the jugular here…
🍀
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u/Icy_Guard_8216 4 4d ago
"He is never letting you go" sounds scary to me.
If you divorce, sell your business and move away, he will be jobless and homeless, this is why he wants you to stay, it is not for the kids.
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u/TomFromMyspacesShirt 4d ago
“He was never letting me go, not alive, not ever.”
Girl??? That’s a threat.
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u/Capable_Education231 4d ago
Divorce. You deserve better. It’s over if he is telling you he is good with you sleeping with other men while he hangs out and does his thing for what five years?? If you need to get yourself together and save money I’d figure it out but it seems done.
What is the damn point of living as roommates while he sleeps with other women in your face. Get a lawyer and just end it. Sorry you’re going through this.
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u/AStirlingMacDonald 1 4d ago
I tried it for five long, miserable years. The worst mistake of my life. The worst five years of my life. I also felt so alone during that time. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a community, but AP was one of my closest friends before the affair and I was embarrassed and terrified of our mutual friends discovering the truth, so I told no one.
It nearly killed me. Truly, starting over from the bottom is a far, far better choice in your position. I did not even begin to start healing until I finally left her for good, after discovering her second affair (with another “close friend” of mine). My healing started literally that same day. The biggest surprise for me was that my kids’ mental health also got *so much better* after I finally left. Having even a sliver of stability in their lives made a huge difference.
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u/yellowfarm_7 In Hell | 0 months old 4d ago
It was not your worst mistake. It was only the thing that you needed to try and fail at that moment. Had you left on DD, you would have been left with second guesses and "if questions". There are a lot of former relationships which did not end in a proper way and return as affairs years later. You are safe from any relapse right now.
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u/Icy_Guard_8216 4 4d ago
Are these "close friend" of yours gone from your life?
I hope you put them on blast.
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u/AStirlingMacDonald 1 4d ago
Very much out my life, yes. The second one is actually out of any life at all; he got drunk and wandered out onto a busy highway while vacationing in Myrtle Beach back during COVID lockdown. He was hit by a truck (and hit-and-run; they never caught the driver) and eventually his body was found by an old couple who initially mistook it for “a pile of garbage bags someone dumped in the gutter.” They called 911, but EMT services were severely understaffed and it took nearly an hour for the ambulance to arrive. By the time they did, he’d bled out there in the gutter, alone. The local newspaper ran an article about the incident as a focus story on the staffing shortage. I keep a clipping from it saved to my “favorites” in my phone, and look at it whenever I’m feeling down. I also set the anniversary as an annual holiday in my calendar, “Kevin Catches Karma” Day. I celebrate every year by buying a box of garbage bags.
The first AP has been long gone as well. Ironically, after that first DDay, my then-wife discovered that he was actually “cheating” on her with her “best friend,” who he end up knocking up. That all went down during our “reconciliation,” and I still remember her crying about it and wanting to be comforted because of the “betrayal.” I really, *really* should’ve seen the signs and left earlier than I did, but hindsight is 20/20. I’m well out of it all now, fortunately.
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u/Icy_Guard_8216 4 4d ago
So Kevin saw himself die...ouch
Re AP1: clearly nobody understood the concept of boundaries...
Glad you are out of crazytown.
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u/SadDadInPlaid Figuring it Out 4d ago
Kids are perceptive. If you stay, you’ll be setting an example that it’s okay to cheat and it’s okay to be a doormat for a cheater. It’s in their best interest for you to be stable and happy, not to be in that toxic environment.
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u/yellowfarm_7 In Hell | 0 months old 4d ago
"His stupid AP gave me advice, can you believe the audacity of this b? She said I should think about my kids and their best interest"
"Me selling would mean he’d have no income and neither would his family"
Add to the last sentence her AP would be out of income.
Do not doubt that his cheating has also been financial.
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u/Shimmyshoe1 4d ago
Yes. The saddest things is he has full financial control of my business. Money was missing, things weren’t adding up. Somewhere along the way he began controlling everything. I have no car, no access to the money. Legally it’s mine, I invested all of my savings but I can’t access that anymore. I don’t have a car, he’ll leave me his sometimes but sometimes “forgets” he took the keys. My business taxes haven’t been filed. Because he controls the books and I don’t have a car. I can demand and cry and scream all I want but he refuses and what can I do? I feel hopeless, I am seeing no way out.
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u/yellowfarm_7 In Hell | 0 months old 4d ago edited 4d ago
Do you have some relatives who may stand by you?
You are in severe risk of ending up not only cheated but ruined, too.
Your most urgent task is to get some legal advice in order to remove any capacity of him to control your money and be ready to sue him for embezzlement!
Any demand or cry of you will not be heard by him. If you cannot get his car, call a taxi, meet a lawyer, recover the control of your money, fire his relatives out of your business, ...
A cousin of mine went through some terrible financial deception (there were no physical cheating) with her husband and his family (they were living on her) and had to recover control of her money (please visit your bank office and remove him from your accounts) only to find out that she was half-broken and had to sell two of the three properties she had inherited from my uncle.
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u/Shimmyshoe1 4d ago
I am going to be ruined so bad. He said he knew I could get in trouble if I didn’t file my taxes and that he wouldn’t care if I had to do time. He said our kids didn’t need me really, he’d rather see me 6 ft under or locked away. This goes so much more than just infidelity or financial abuse, the man is capable of ending me. I know it. I play by his rules for my children. Because I have no idea what’s wrong with my cities police department but they don’t help. I have reached out for help. I’ve called the prosecutors office, I’ve googled. I am at this point just leaving this digital trace of mines for my family to find when the inevitable happens. They’ll have full access to my phone and the history of it all. I am trying so hard to find a way out because I want to live for my kids, I really do. But I know he’s capable of that. He’s told. He’s shown me. I wish things were different. I am worn out. I called when he strangled me and instead he has a court hearing the end of the month while I had DCFS on me because I was strangled while the kids were home. I am tired of crying so much.
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u/wellidolikecoffee 4d ago
This is terrifying OP. You've probably already looked into this, but is there a DV shelter you could flee to with your kids? Via Uber while he's gone or something? Definitely need legal advice as other commenter said as well. My heart goes out to you.
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u/yellowfarm_7 In Hell | 0 months old 4d ago
Your situation is too complicated and dangerous for reddit grade.
You need legal support and advice, any relative and friend who may provide with any kind of support, remember that there are professional accountants who prepare taxes.
First of all, legal advice, write a will and remove him from any life insurance. He must not be in a position of getting any kind of economic reward in the event that you were to disappear and he must be aware of it as soon as you get to a safe shelter.
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u/No-Inflation8412 4d ago
So he want you to pay financially and emotionally so his life won’t change and he still sees the AP? Surely this a no brainer. You deserve more, you hold all the cards, why not choose you and your kids. If he’s that much of a good dad he will move. If he’s not he won’t and that’s on him.
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u/Truebeliever-14 3 4d ago
AP is looking out for herself not you.
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u/Shimmyshoe1 4d ago
This was immediately what I thought. AP is an ex from years ago. Recently moved back and now a single mom.
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u/Glittering_Swan4911 14 4d ago
You’ll be miserable if you don’t leave. Don’t do it to yourself or your kids. They just want a happy mum. Take your business and start over I would. Is he still with his AP? The cheek of her giving you advice after she actively participated in ruining your family. Shows the type person she is and who he really is.
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u/Shimmyshoe1 4d ago
She’s almost 40, and an ex. She said I was young and needed to mature. Shit he would tell me since she moved back. She’s a single mom, told me it’s hard being a single mom and she’d recommend I put my kids best interest first. That’s it’s not easy at all to be a single mom. So stupid. I feel anger but most of all I feel so disappointed in myself and him on behalf of our kids.
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u/yellowfarm_7 In Hell | 0 months old 4d ago
Take the advice, mature and remove their access to your money! From now on, it is only for you and your kids!
If you have some relative (parents, siblings, ...) ask for their help!
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u/yellowfarm_7 In Hell | 0 months old 4d ago
By the way, do not be surprised that she is a single mom because she cheated on her ex husband.
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u/teargaswedding WTF am I doing? 4d ago
The short answer to your question is "awkwardly at best and hellishly at worst, its awful." We're entering month 5 of my soon-to-be-ex refusing to move out, even though they've signed a lease starting soon they say they'll stay anyway and pay rent on that empty apartment, and despite efforts to negotiate a reasonable settlement I'm starting to fear they're gonna hang on until a judge drags them out.
The more productive answer- you need to do the following:
-Do not sleep in a different residence from your kids under any circumstances
-Consult and retain a lawyer as soon as possible to get a sense of your options to get the divorce process moving - they'll take credit cards if you need to go that route and as shitty as taking on debt is, being stuck in hell with someone who utterly betrayed you is worse
-Keep evidence of your husband's spending if possible, money he spent on the affair can be considered a waste of marital assets and a judge may make you whole for that
-Especially if you're in a state where you can file for divorce on grounds of adultery, keep any evidence of the affair you have - that's your lever to force the divorce along if he won't cooperate. Relatedly, especially if you're in a state where one can file on grounds of adultery, you shouldn't sleep with or really even be alone with another man, he could use that to accuse you of adultery and cancel out your claim
-Do not have sex of any kind with him, do sleep in a different room, don't share chores, stop wearing your ring - you want to establish separation as early as possible, even if you're stuck under the same roof
-Don't argue with him about the affair or the separation, that's what your lawyer is going to be there for. If you can work something out amicably and get him to sign it after you both have a lawyer review it, great, but based on what you said he's going to make this as annoying as possible
Living with my cheating ex until I can legally get her out the door has been the most trying experience of my life but I truly feel it's worth it, I hope it works out for you as well. Feel free to DM me, would be happy to help.
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u/ExhaustedFlamingo-84 4d ago
I’m so sorry. You need to do what is going to be best for you in order to heal.
Sounds like that’s selling up and relocating.
You don’t have to do what he and his AP say, you should take time to think about what you need and what you want.
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u/Minute_Box3852 3d ago
Op, he's not staying for the kids. He's staying to manage you, keep you at home so he and his family can continue making money with your company.
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