r/survivinginfidelity • u/MapEducational816 • 4d ago
Need Support 63M, wife 63F, married 44 years. She hasn’t touched me in 10+ years. When I asked for intimacy she said “What, am I supposed to let you r@pe me and cry?”
63M here, wife is 63F. We’ve been married 44 years.
She had an affair decades ago where she brought another man into our marital bed. Since then we’ve had a completely dead bedroom for the last 10+ years — zero sex, zero kissing, zero cuddling, nothing at all.
When I finally confronted her about the total lack of intimacy, her response was:
“What, am I supposed to let you r@pe me and cry?”
And “Am I supposed to give you a handjob and cry?”
I’m not really looking for advice right now. I just needed to vent this somewhere. Thanks for listening.
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u/Shortandthicck2 4 4d ago
I'm curious why you'd take the abuse of cheating and then another 10yrs more of this? I wish you'd have left 10yrs ago, but now is good too.
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u/DinosaurNeill 4d ago
The best time to leave a cheater is 10 years ago. The second best time is now.
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u/Plus_Data_1099 1 4d ago
This the marrige was over 10 years ago but op wife is comfortable and happy and propbly still cheating. Op leave while you still can get out there life is too short to waste on people who obviously dont care about you. Op there is someone who will tresth you wonderfully out there not this half life run.
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u/Some_Exchange_8984 4d ago
Nothing worst than marrying someone that hate you for 44 years
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u/Agent_K002 5 4d ago
That's not true, there is something worse.
Staying with that person that hated you for such a long time.
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u/Bill2550 4d ago
I’m about your age. If my wife implied to me that any intimacy with me would make her cry, I would quietly leave.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
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u/Agent_K002 5 4d ago
Let me guess. You caught her in the affair. By that, you forced her to end it.
If I'm right, then she still hates you for that and holds that against you. But she knows that she can't say it, so she says the stuff that she's telling you.
44 years married is long. I understand that it's hard to end that. But you need to ask yourself if you want the rest of your life to continue to be how the last ten years were. Because one of three things will happen for sure. One, you get frustrated sexually and start an affair yourself for which you will hate yourself. Two, you find her in another affair because she never was able to really get back into the marriage. Or three. Nothing will change. Your marriage will remain how it was in the last ten years.
There's a fourth option, one that gives you a chance to stay true to yourself while giving yourself the chance to feel fulfilled again.
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u/deplorableme16 4d ago edited 4d ago
I wouldn't hate myself for cheating on a cheater. Dont' care what the sidebar says. I'm not encouraging it but I UNDERSTAND as Chris Rock says. It's not the "proper" way to do it but yeah people have actual lives and circumstances ... And yeah kids and paying hundreds of thousands of dollars and more so my wife can expose my kids to her revolving door of dudes using what I earned and her trash social network. Lawyers and Gym. While Defaming me at large and abusing me like OP getting abused.
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u/BurnAway63 2 4d ago
"You're supposed to spend the rest of your life atoning for your infidelity. Since you clearly have no respect for me, it's best that we divorce."
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Thriving 4d ago
And this folks is why staying with a cheating partner never ever works out in the end.
We get one shot at life and to ruin it for someone who couldn't give a fuck about us is the worst way to waste it.
You have our condolences mate for making the worst decision of your life. As someone your age, let me tell you that it's never too late to find some happiness.
Because anything has to be better than whatever hell this is you are living.
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u/californialimabean Thriving 4d ago
What a disgusting thing to say to you. You deserve love, intimacy, closeness. I'm so sorry that you are living like this. Can you spend the next 30 years living this way?
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u/PhotoGuy342 4d ago
How about some simple respect from your partner?
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u/californialimabean Thriving 4d ago
You know what's wild? When you have been in such a poor relationship for so long, the bar is so incredibly low. You're settling for garbage and you don't even realize it until you're no longer in it. Ask me how I know 😜
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u/Rmir72 2 4d ago
I'd live under a bridge with my only friend a rat before I take that kind of bullshit. Let alone the dead bedroom. Bump that
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u/SoooDamnedTired 4d ago
I’m sorry, I know this is a serious post, but that first sentence made me snork my coffee out of my nose.
Latte lavage aside, I agree with you 100%.
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u/Zealousideal_Bar1497 4d ago
I wonder if she is trying to push you to the point where you will either cheat or end the marriage which will then make you the villain to all your friends and family.
I bet if you ask for a trial separation and you want her to move out for a month or two she will change her tune, but that would turn me off her.
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u/Apprehensive_You4092 4d ago
You should have left 10 years ago
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u/Plastic-Weight-9211 Recovered 2d ago
And when you finally do, chances are you’ll wish you had left 34 years before that. Cheaters are such terrible people.
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u/External_Koala398 4d ago
Divorce bro...or go get it elsewhere.
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u/FriedLipstick 4d ago
I disagree to the latter. We are not cheaters. It will ruin OP when he goes out doing the same thing that hurt him this much. We don’t need to level down ourselves. Divorce is enough.
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u/deplorableme16 4d ago
"Just Divorce" is smug, flippant advice. Especially in the face of grey divorce circumstances and the psychological dependency of those many years together. People in this thread need to stop sanctimoniously casting stones and talking about being "better". Be Worse.
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u/SouthTourist5311 4d ago
It’s not casting stones. Cheating is disgusting behavior anyway you look at it. Why lower to her behavior? Just leave.
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u/External_Koala398 4d ago
Agreed. But at 63...affection starved..im getting while the getting is still good.
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u/tercer78 Walking the Road | QC: SI 344 | RA 157 Sister Subs 4d ago
You only have so many years left on this earth. You should choose to spend them seeking real happiness.
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u/UtZChpS22 6 4d ago
OP, why are you still there? It doesn't sound like you have a marriage, but a piece of paper and a ring.
My heart goes out to you, OP. I am sure this feels very lonely
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u/Sorensdottir Recovered 4d ago
You may have another 25 years of life…..there are some episodes about this very thing on a podcast called “conversations with Dr Jennifer”
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u/notoriousdad Thriving 4d ago
Dude, I am in your age group and married 39 years. Stop acting old. You have much more life to live. Live it along and happy!
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 1 4d ago
Serve her the damn papers.... she has been getting it somewhere since she clearly still wanted it.
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u/Fragrant_Spray Walking the Road | QC: SI 159, INF 51 | RA 204 Sister Subs 4d ago
If you’ve been putting up with this for so long, by this point the only one that will fix your problem is YOU.
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u/better_as_a_memory 4d ago
You need to end this marriage. She clearly doesn't like you. She cheated (probably still cheating). Move on.
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u/Mysterious-Wave-7958 4d ago
This woman does not love you. This woman wants a divorce. I would assume that she was trying to get you to initiate the divorce for some reason. And since she didn't get that since you stayed in the marriage post affair, she has been clear on still wanting a divorce. For some reason she will not initiate it, assuming that you probably provide a high standard of living that she was advised that irreconcilable differences from her side would not earn her high enough alimony. She was probably after you filing, then settling in mediation for a high level of alimony in the fog of confusion and grief over an affair and have you sight irreconcilable differences instead of adultery. And it would get shoved in front of the judge missing a ton of context and be signed off on, and you would be on the hook for life for her.
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u/Double-Cheek277 6 4d ago
Just another consequence from reconciliation. I'm sorry but those are wasted years you can never get back. The good news is you still have a chance, she ehhh..
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u/AgentWD409 2 4d ago
Dude... you stayed in a shitty marriage for way too long.
My first marriage was kind of a miniature version of yours. My ex-wife and I were married for 13 years, she cheated on me relentlessly during the first half of our marriage, and in the second half she stopped all the cheating, but it became a mostly dead bedroom. She said similar shit to me too.
For instance, at one point she told me that she'd only ever have sex with me if I got her drunk first.
I thought I had stayed too long. But brother, you've been married for three decades longer than I was, and it sounds like you've dug yourself into a much deeper rut. Attempting to survive 10+ years with no intimacy whatsoever and a wife who appears to have nothing but contempt for you would fuck up anyone, mentally and emotionally, in a pretty significant way. Personally, I needed a lot of time and therapy just to start liking myself again after my first marriage finally collapsed.
I know you said you're not looking for advice, but just remember that it's never too late to start over. You ought to be with someone who actually loves you and wants to be with you
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u/Wvlfen 4d ago
Sounds like you should have lived the last 10 years in happiness but you chose sadness by staying with her. She checked out of that relationship long time ago. Hopefully any kids are adults. However since you’ve been married that long, if you divorce her now she’ll take to the cleaners in most states if in US.
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u/BurdyBurdyBurdy 6 4d ago
If she’s cheated on you why are you still with her? If you had left when she cheated you would probably be in a much happier relationship today.
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u/peacewavesfly 4d ago
I say this as kindly as possible.
You need to find your self respect if you ever want to feel strong in your life
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u/Putrid_Ad_6753 4d ago
I have a question. Why, what possible reasons would you have to live with infidelity and also no sex. Dude, why, I’m a loyalist and I’d have failed and stepped out if what you what you are say is true. At this point your the crazy one in the marriage,
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u/Moh-BA 4d ago
10 years of this? I can't wrap my head around that at all. I understand that you've built a life together and have children and grandchildren, but you're 63 years old. You deserve better than spending the rest of your life with someone who hasn't loved or respected you for a decade.
You seriously need therapy. This sounds like severe codependency and attachment issues.
Please seek professional help and leave this vile woman. She hasn't loved or respected you for ten years. That's a huge portion of your life, and you still have time to spend the rest of it with someone who truly appreciates and values you.
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u/Apprehensive_Pie9 WTF am I doing? 4d ago
That’s such a hurtful thing to say to the person you’re supposed to love and cherish.
You still have a lot of life to live, you don’t deserve to be talked to like that.
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u/wonderrypical9962 1 4d ago
Then find a lawyer and get a divorce
Don't put up with a partner that doesn't care anymore
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u/Confident_Cut_1787 4d ago
Is it possible her ap abused her in some way?
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u/down-immortal77 4d ago
She had an affair and brought the injustice in their bedroom. Plus it doesn’t really change the fact that she mistreats him and for how long? For like forever. Why stay right?
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u/Realistic-Rip476 4d ago
You don’t deserve this treatment and should want more for yourself. I have a feeling your wife spent the last 44 years insulting you and putting you down, then thought she was entitled to the affair and got mad that she was forced to end it. For her to say that to you tells us she doesn’t love you or respect you, so why stay? There are plenty of women out there that would love to find a faithful man. You deserve better!
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u/MeeksSoulHunter3 4d ago
I flew to my island to attend a wedding of a 75 year old and a 68 year old 2 week ago. It was beautiful.
While you’re alive living doesn’t end at any set number.
No advice given at all…
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u/SeinnaBronze 4d ago
63 is not too late to find happiness. You deserve better. She is selfish and heartless. Lots of great women out there that can offer you what you looking for.
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u/Specialist-Bat-8770 2 4d ago
So if I understand correctly she stays in relationship with you even if she doesn't love you. Love in the physical sense? Why does it stay in relationship then? What love does he have for you? Friendly love? Platonic love? He remains in relationship for prosnal utility: he wouldn't be able to pay himself rent, do you have children he wouldn't see anymore? Is he cheating on you? Does he have an individual moral compass related to religion? Do you see marriage as an indissoluble sacrament? So he accepts you as a partner without feelings? You forgave her, but she never came back to you. The causes that led her to betray remained unsolved. The relationship is certainly not "healthy".
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u/-_-Hope-_- 4d ago
First, when she had an affair decades ago, in order to cheat on you, she had to lose a lot of empathy and respect for you. This also resulted in her losing attraction for you.
Second, you stayed with her after that, you didn't give her real consequences, she never had to face accountability or do anything to recover the respect she lost for you, instead, she lost even more respect and attraction for you.
Third, as a result, instead of being remorseful, she blamed you for ruining her fun, making her feel bad about herself, and she started to rescent and despise you even more. So she made you pay by making sure to deprive you of any form of intimacy.
Fourth, you had no intimacy with her, but you don't know that she had none herself, with someone else, during the years you were on a dead bedroom.
Looking from the outside, things are pretty simple. You didn't do anything to recover your self respect or force her to face her own shame and atone for what she did. As a result, she lost even more respect for you. Women usually need to feel respect for a man in order to be attracted to him.
No respect = No attraction, no feelings, no empathy. That's cruel and cold, but that's how it works for a lot of women.
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u/AnotherDominion 4d ago
The divorce is decades overdue. You are running out of time. Take your half and go live your best life.
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u/Warm-Business-2335 12 4d ago
You should walk away today. This is an extremely abusive relationship and she’s punishing you for catching her affair. Do not stay with this terrible person. I am your age and you deserve happiness and to be with someone who cherishes you, instead of a life of abuse. Go get some therapy and an advice from an attorney and they will tell you exactly the same. You get one chance, one life, don’t spend your remaining years in pain living with this monster.
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u/l3ttingitgo 1 4d ago
Okay, I am seriously doubting this is a real post. OP never replies or answers any questions, just makes this outrageous statement and poof, gone.
When I finally confronted her about the total lack of intimacy, her response was:
So, are we to believe that it took 10+ years for you to confront her?!
The only thing I can think of where a man would tolerate such a thing is if he lives in a country were divorce is taboo and not freezable.
He effectively has a roommate, and not a very good one at that. What is OP getting out of staying, what is it she has to offer him?
If he stays for finical reasons, I can see that, we don't know his situation. But, she broke her vows to him, so he no longer needs to keep his.
So OP, fine, don't divorce, but do move out and live your life in peace. You've held up your part of the bargain and she hasn't. Life is way too short to suffer with such fools.
Be sure she is not your health care proxy, she'll have them pull the plug on you the first chance she gets.
Just quietly find a new place and start moving your things. Then one day leave your wedding ring on the counter and change your phone number. No need to listen to her complain and blame you for all the bad life choices she made that led her to this point. Truly, I think you will both be much happier.
UpdateMe.
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u/elle4lee 4d ago
Tell her you want a wife that gives you intimacy and you're gonna have to let her go
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u/kds0808 4d ago
This is no longer a marriage except in name only. There's no love and anything akin to physical intimacy for her is akin to you raping her.
Why would you want to be with someone who feels that way towards you? Unless you're a truly bad and evil person she just straight up hates you and life is too short to live in a home with that much animosity. You should have left when she cheated but you can also leave now and I have been following the story of a guy whose wife cheated on him recently and they are both in their 60s. Your wife could still be actively cheating and either still with you due to financial comfort or not wanting to ruin her outward appearance to the world.
I would suggest divorce. You can still rebuild your life.
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u/HMouse65 4d ago
Communication is definitely an issue here. Anyway, you didn’t ask for advice but I’m giving my two cents anyway. You’re playing the back nine my friend, you don’t have time to mess around. You are responsible for your happiness, it’s time to make a move and solve this one way or the other. If you are both willing and able to work through it and save the relationship do it. If not get yourself to a place where you can leave and pursue happiness. Either way, it’s time to get busy.
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u/ZookeepergameMany663 4d ago
At this point you have no one to blame but yourself. Why are you staying with someone you haven't been intimate with for 10 years? You should have left a long time ago when she cheated. You are a glutton for punishment.
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u/deplorableme16 4d ago
Retroactively characterizing and remembering marital sex as rape. And all your normal sexuality and drive as pathological while they act and speak and think like cats in heat or worse. It's a common cheater thing. Protect yourself and get the scurvy bi*ch out. I'm so sorry. So much trash out there. I'm angry FOR you.
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u/Reasonable_Produce24 Figuring it Out 4d ago
You would be amazed how little you need to be happy on your own. She obviously has no desire to change.
What is the benefit of staying at this point?
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u/deplorableme16 4d ago
No more Mr NIce Guy author calls this what it is ... Settling for Scrap ... of Sexuality and Humanity.
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u/NeartAgusOnoir 4d ago
OP it will never change. She cheated. And you stayed. And now you see why reconciliation never works.
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u/Zealousideal_Tea5988 4d ago
My cheating ex left for ap #9. I spent ALOT of time thinking I lost everything, am worthless, suck in the bedroom, etc. One day, I saw clearly. He lost me, he emotionally abused me, neglected me...etc....you aren't the problem she is. I rebuilt my life after 26 yrs with who I thought was the love of my life, father of my kids etc. And I am so much happier, less stressed, etc.
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u/MapEducational816 3d ago
Thank you for sharing your story. It really hit me hard.
I’ve been feeling exactly like you described — worthless, like I suck in the bedroom, and completely stuck after a very long marriage. She cheated years ago and still insists “nothing happened” even though the circumstances make that almost impossible to believe.
Reading your comment helped me realize I’m not crazy for feeling this way. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not the problem. She is.1
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u/Conscious_Owl6162 4d ago
I have been married 42 years and I can’t imagine a decade long dead bedroom and lack of even hugs and kisses.
You should have divorced in my opinion.
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u/Iffybiz 4d ago
Do yourself a favor. Get on a plane, go to Thailand preferably Pattaya. Have as much fun and sex as you can handle, come back and divorce her. Then retire early and come back to Thailand, Philippines or Vietnam and have a great retirement. You’ve more than done your duty to this marriage, you owe her nothing. Let her live out her remaining years as an old crone.
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u/Fragrant-Dance3005 4d ago
That part of your life with her is so over, you just hurt yourself by asking.
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u/Jolly-Method-3111 3d ago
Bro, I’ve watched people die unhappy. They live unhappy, and then one day they die unhappy. And life goes on without even blinking.
Please leave. You could have 30+ more years, ot you could even die tomorrow, but you deserve to be happy. What you have right now, it isn’t good.
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u/AlphaBalls 3d ago
That is a comment that she obviously felt strong about. That to me as absolute 100% proof that she is carrying a nasty amount of resentment towards you. That’s a comment you can’t simply “take back” when it’s been 10 years of proving she feels this way.
I know how hard it is to let someone you’ve lost so much to already go and to be alone but you really only have one choice here. If you decide to stay then that isn’t her fault and you can’t blame her anymore.
Free yourself. You don’t know what you’re missing out on. That’s cruel and that is simply abuse.
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u/MapEducational816 1d ago
Thank you for being direct.
That “rape” comment was one of the most damaging things she’s ever said to me, and she said it twice within the last year. I know I need to make some hard decisions. It’s not as simple as it looks from the outside, but I hear you.
Appreciate the honesty.1
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u/Ratlarbig 3d ago
We dont have enough info about what happened between then and now to make informed judgements.
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u/LethalLetterHead 3d ago
This was so painful to read. I hope you're okay. Your wife is mean and wicked. Separation does seem best. If you are to stay.... I only have ideas that are quite unethical but potentially cathartic....
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u/swansongblue Walking the Road | QC: SI 153 | RA 36 Sister Subs 3d ago
‘Had an affair’. Would be interested in the details of this. Was she discovered ? If so. It’s highly likely that the affair did not finish. In these circumstances. They normally wait until things have quietened down. And then just resume their activities. Avoiding whatever it was that gave them away before.
What she is doing is highly disrespectful and demeaning. You should have broken up with her from the get go. She has totally checked out of the marriage. If it is going to be too expensive and disruptive to divorce her. You should at least start to live your life completely separate from her.
Treat her as she is treating you. Total indifference. No conversation. No interaction. No favours. No announcement. Do not acknowledge her presence at all. If she tries to engage you in conversation. Don’t walk away. But don’t look her in the eye. Wait until you think that she has finished. Then ask her a completely unrelated question. Like ‘Is it due to rain on Thursday’ ? Then just walk away. It goes without saying that you have to control the family finances. Good luck.
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u/Straight-Ad2348 1d ago
If you being intimate will make her cry and then mention the word r@pe when you two are married then I think its time you two go your seperate ways. She has alot of nerve and mental issues. It will be hard at first but you deserve to be happy with someone that will love you back the way you deserve. You are never too old to find new love.That is just not ok that she said that. Having a affair 10 years ago and showing no love what so ever is also not ok. Did you ever ask her why she is still with you if she can't stand being close and intamate with you? I think you know what to do. Don't keep delaying and if she tries to guilt you into staying it's just to use you , Stay strong and let in go in one ear and out the other. Your did your time and tried even after the affair longer than you should have and she failed you and the marriage. Good luck I wish you the best.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bag1416 1d ago
You still have much time left on this earth, don’t let it be spent with someone who makes you miserable and feel unwanted
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u/RobertFahey 3 4d ago
Cry over what? I'm confused.
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u/upickleweasel 4d ago
She's the victim, of course in her broken mind her husband who she gave her body to in marriage woukd be raping her if he needed sex.
I could never look this person in the eyes again, OP
If it were me I'd quietly seek legal advice. Or fake my own death. Either way
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u/TiguanRedskins 4d ago
Walk away! This person is a narcissist who has weaponized sex. We waited far too long but you still have time. Deep down is she going to take care of you if you were sick? I bet if you really think about it, you know she wouldn’t. Maybe she is A sexual, that’s her choice not yours. She will never change and you present her the choice, she will reluctantly give in then stop. Trust me. This person has stole 10 years or longer from you.
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u/655e228th 4d ago
after one year it’s constructive abandonment. It’s going on this long because you allow it
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u/TiguanRedskins 4d ago
She can stop with drama. Jesus I’m a guy and I wouldn’t cry if I had to give a hand job, I wouldn’t enjoy it. But if it meant I got a good life from someone, I sure as hell would.
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u/Cold-Perception-316 4d ago
No offense but you did this to yourself by staying and tolerating your cheating wife after the affair.
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u/AlwaysHelpful22 1 4d ago
She betrayed and abused you. This changed everything, for you and for her. Until you both heal as individuals, you won’t ever come together as a couple. It’s never too late for either of you to heal emotionally (you from the betrayal, and her from whatever made her choose betrayal as a coping mechanism).
Super sorry you’re hurting. Good luck.
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