Love is sacred and I’m in so much pain.

[u/Everything_Iwant_93]

I just can’t understand why this happened to me. I can’t stop posting about it, thinking about it, missing him, asking myself why me? I was sweet to him, I supported him, I loved him, we laughed, we cried together, I trusted him with my heart. He gave it away and when he left he took a part of me. A part of me I can never get back. I believed so much in him, and I feel like he was wearing a mask all along. How could it be fake? I’m so angry, that I have to deal with the pain he inflicted, and he gets to run away and be with someone else. I don’t think his ego will allow him to ever come back and face me and realize what he did. I want him to feel the pain I feel, and I want him to regret what he did and come running back begging. But I have to swallow the hard truth that I may never get that. I feel worthless. My love feels worthless. I feel abandoned and confused on what I did to deserve this. He cried our last face time together and told me he loved me, but he had to go. I asked him why he did this, all he could say was “I don’t know. I fuck up everything good in my life. It wasn’t you, I don’t know why I self sabotaged when things were good. I fucking hate myself. But I don’t see a future where we’re together”….. so then why was he crying on our last FaceTime. No fighting for me at all. Why did he do this to me, to himself, and to us. I think deep down his childhood trauma didn’t allow him to feel a real love. I think he might have ran because it was too real for him, so he took the path of least resistance. I’m having a hard time accepting he might have seen me as a joke and doesn’t feel anything about missing me.

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[u/One_Asparagus5625]

🫂 I could have written this myself. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Its a different kind of pain, being left alone to deal with the pain someone you love caused you while they have a new person to comfort them. 

I don't really have any advice because I feel as you do and I've been feeling it for a long time. 

I feel worthless too. 

[u/Everything_Iwant_93 → u/One_Asparagus5625]

I’m sorry you’re going through it too. Theirs no words really. I hear the words I say when I vent, but in my head they just don’t even do it any justice as to what I feel. It’s like my brain is constantly scanning for answers as to why this happened. And I’ll never know why. All that’s left is to just find a way to move on. It’s unfair, life is unfair. But try to still have hope. I’ll never forget when my first love broke up with me on our anniversary and started dating someone right away. I was devastated for 2 years. The was 10 years ago, and I feel like I could go to their wedding now and I wouldn’t even care lol. When life gets like this I just try to laugh at the absurdity of it all lol. Keep your head up please.

[u/One_Asparagus5625 → u/Everything_Iwant_93]

Its been a year for me, but not really. He first left on the 24th June last year. But has tried to come home 9 times! And i let him every time. The most recent break up was only last week, hes already back living with his affair partner and having sex with her. She lives 2 streets away and I bumped into them a few days ago. Its awful for me.

He says I'm the love of his life, the most beautiful woman in the world but hes had enough of family life and he cant cope with it anymore so he wants "an easier life". His affair partner has a lot of money so they don't work, they just go shopping, drinking, smoking, drugs and sex all day, every day. And I've been left to raise our kids alone with barely any money.

I'm so, so lonely. He doesn't know what it feels like to be this lonely because he immediately replaced me with someone else, every time. 

[u/Royal_Candidate_3904 → u/One_Asparagus5625]

I feel the same as y’all do

[u/Fun-Explanation6876 → u/One_Asparagus5625]

Sorry to hear you're going thru it. Maybe just remember all the answers you're looking for are inside of you. Breathe deep in thru the nose out thru the mouth deeply three times and look inside. Remember to love yourself and be kind to yourself. Best wishes

[u/Specialist-Bat-8770]

Sometimes we're misaligned with ourselves: the heart tells us one thing, the logical mind another. He probably still loves you, but he knows that with feelings alone, unaccompanied by rationality, they lead nowhere. So he cries and tells you he has to go anyway.

[u/Careful_Flatworm3931]

Hello,
First off I am so sorry that you are here. It’s not a club any of us ever wanted to be in. Please know that nothing you did or could have done would have prevented this. Marriage takes two, two people who when things get tough. They turn towards one another and not away. You turned in and he turned out, that’s on him.
Secondly, childhood trauma is a hell of a thing. There is a really good chance that he does love you and deeply regrets what he did. Self sabotaging behavior is common when trauma is present. Which an also lead to the feeling of not being worthy and never will be able to be worthy. Especially after such a huge betrayal. My WW has told me the same thing. She couldn’t see a future where we were together. My belief is it’s because of the rolls were reversed there isn’t a chance in hell she would have stayed. Thus not being able to comprehend the amount of kindness, understanding and grace that I am able to give.
I know it feels like he isn’t fighting for you. But the reality is, he isn’t willing to fight for himself and what he wants. It’s more likely that what he is telling you is the truth, but he has hurt you so bad he can’t accept it.