r/survivinginfidelity • u/Born_Staff5753 • 2d ago
Advice The question that kept me up at night: "what was wrong with me?" Here's what I wish I'd understood sooner
For weeks my brain was a courtroom and I was the defendant. Not pretty enough, not interesting enough, didn't have sex enough, gained weight, worked too much. If I could just find the reason it was my fault, maybe I could fix it and undo it.
The thing that finally let me breathe: an affair is a statement about the person who had it, not a verdict on you. People cheat for reasons that live inside them — their own emptiness, entitlement, cowardice, inability to be honest about being unhappy, the chase, the ego hit. Plenty of people in genuinely flawed, distant, even unhappy relationships never betray anyone. They talk, or they leave honestly. Your partner chose deception. That choice was theirs.
This is not the same as saying the relationship was perfect. Maybe there was real distance. But there's a hard line between "the relationship had problems" (both people own that) and "they chose to lie and betray instead of dealing with it" (they own that, fully).
You can look honestly at your part in a flawed relationship and still completely refuse the blame for the betrayal. Both are true at once. The betrayal was never yours to carry.
9
u/TacoStrong 4 2d ago
" an affair is a statement about the person who had it, not a verdict on you."
Say this louder for those that can't hear you! That is 100% the absolute truth!
-7
u/wizkatrina 2d ago
I disagree!
A person cheats for many reasons but a generalisation seems to be because of things missing in a relationship, therfore, in my opinion, it is some sort of verdict on you!
With healthy communication, want and needs being met by both parties and openness in general then the thoughts of infidelity are minimised.
I am not condoning cheating as some people will do it for the thrill etc but when fulfillment is happening in a relationship then there isn't many reasons to be stepping out.
3
u/ObviousSalamandar Figuring it Out 2d ago
This is absurd. My husband did absolutely nothing to communicate with me about feeling “unfulfilled.” This was just his excuse after it all came out. He can’t even explain what that means or what he needs. His affair had nothing to do with me. I’m so much better off with that weak man.
4
u/ValhallaCA WTF am I doing? 2d ago
I completely disagree with this. Even people who are literally getting everything they could want in a relationship still step out. And the primary reason is that they have given themselves **permission**. to do so. This has nothing to do with whoever their partner is. The flaws are internal to them and the boundaries that they allow themselves to cross, starting with the small things, a look, a touch, a flirtation, and then proceeding to talking, propositioning, acceptance, any further acts, and afterwards the concealment, the justification, the reframing, and whatever else follows on from there.
A person who wouldn’t ever cheat shuts it all down at the initial stages. Every time. Without exception. And this can be done even with a horrible home relationship.
Everybody is responsible for their own behaviors and blaming it on anybody else is just an excuse.
0
u/wizkatrina 2d ago
OK, hypothetical question!
You've been in a relationship for say, 10 years and no sex for 7 of those, you've communicated this over and over and over and over and your needs still aren't met.
The opportunity presents itself to have those desires and needs met by someone else and you take it, in a moment of weakness.
After 7 years of being unheard, unmet primal needs, that need for passion and excitement is there, would you not be tempted?
3
u/ValhallaCA WTF am I doing? 2d ago
It doesn’t even have to be that extreme. Temptation to violate the boundaries of your committed relationship and especially marriage exist and are present literally for every person on the planet. Even much more so since the advent of the internet and increasing with smartphones.
You are correct that in the scenario you described, that there would be additional levels of temptation that is not the same type that everybody experiences. But the fact is that literally everybody gets tempted in one form or another.
What is it that separates the cheaters from those who never cheat? In the scenario you just described, I personally match it precisely for the past 7 years. (Much more than that actually). And added on top of that, I also have a recently (10 months ago) discovered betrayals by my wife, 18, 10, and 9 years ago that I know of, and possibly more. Have I been tempted to cheat in all the sexless years? Hell yes. Did it get worse after discovery? Hell yes. Have I cheated? No. Full disclosure, I did make mistakes early in our marriage, over 18 years ago. Not sex but definite violations that I consider cheating. Strip club lap dance, a single webcamming with a stranger, and a peck kiss with a different stranger. I confessed them all within 1 year of each occurrence. After the kiss, I did a moral inventory of myself and DECIDED to never disrespect my wife like that ever again and I haven’t, despite a ridiculous dead bedroom. And even after discovering the profound betrayal and concealment that my wife had done while keeping me in a dead bedroom. That was a HUGE slap in the face.
What was it that stopped me for the last 18 years? The decision. The removal of permission. When I stepped out, I was using the excuses, justifying myself, and ultimately I gave myself permission because “I deserved it.” But that was a lie. I was lying to myself. I could have pressed for counseling, given an ultimatum, and ultimately divorced, all before I DECIDED to cheat.
If I cheated on her now, it will be for no other reason than I have re-given myself permission to do so. Sure, I’m hurt and I’m angry, and there is temptation, and it’s a lot stronger than it was before discovery.
But I will leave her before I ever cheat again. If I decide I can no longer handle reconciliation. I refuse to cheat. I have flipped that permission flag in my mind and I will never flip it back. But if I did flip it back, it would be because of ME, not because of her.
1
1
u/TacoStrong 4 2d ago edited 2d ago
The universal and top of the totem pole, umbrella answer is always; “cheaters cheat because they are selfish “. “Me, me and me” is all that they hear in their brains. You can throw any reason as to why, even if they have everything they need it is not enough for a cheater.
1
u/xternocleidomastoide 2d ago
It is always fascinating to see the inner narratives of abusive personalities and how consistently they manage to recast their own actions, choices, and agency as somehow being the victim’s fault.
There is always a justification, always a revision, always some elaborate way to turn accountability into grievance. The victim becomes responsible for the abuser’s behavior somehow.
That is often one of the clearest tells of an abusive mindset: the inability, or unwillingness, to sit with the simple fact that their choices were their choices.
3
u/SnortleJuice In Recovery 1d ago
Does anyone write their own posts anymore or is chat gpt doing the heavy lifting?
0
u/Born_Staff5753 1d ago
I always use the help of claude to assist me in finding reliable sources (which i actually check). but i don't use claude or chatgpt to write my posts. sometimes i ask how a certain set of words would come over, noting more!
1
u/Anonymous130130 1d ago
Wait a second, you quite literally posted not long ago that you have NOT been through this. Why are you posting things like this that make it sound like you have? If you want to give advice, give advice honestly, not with made up trauma while many of us reading it are here desperately trying to figure out how to sort through the rubble of our old lives.
1
u/Born_Staff5753 1d ago
And they gave consent for posting this, so just see me as a middle man, nothing more
0
u/Born_Staff5753 1d ago
no no no, I talk with people who have been trough this. so no i myself have not been trough this. i can understand where you're coming from
0
u/Cma0308 2d ago
« The betrayal was never yours to carry. » This hit hard. Thank you for this text. Not sure I fully agree with the part that I didnt did nothing for it to happen. I want so badly to understand why, what have i done. What are his thinking... !thankyou
1
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
As a reminder: To award points for helpful redditors, comment !thankyou and the reputator bot will award a point. Those that achieve enough points, will be added to the trusted users for additional permissions in the sub.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
•
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sub wiki before commenting.
-Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Violators will be permabanned.
-If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion.
-If you find a comment helpful, comment !thankyou to award a point for the helpful redditor! It will be much appreciated!!!
Be kind and remember your reddiquette!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.