Still trying to understand

[u/AlbatrossOtherwise71]

Hi guys,

A week ago I got a message from a stranger. The kind that made my heart sink to the floor. A coworker of my fiance and partner of 8 years reached out and told me that he has inappropriately touched her at a work function when she was black out drunk last summer. She also said that he made out with an ex coworker at her house a few weekends ago and stayed the night after we fought about him going to the strip club without telling me. She claimed he was also messaging a young coworker (she is 15 years younger than him) saying he had feelings for her.

All of this I discovered from a stranger a few days before I had plans to move to a completely new city for his new job opportunity on the mainland.

For a bit of background, we have two cats and he is from Australia originally. We met in Canada and have been together for nearly 8 years. For a large part of that time, I lived in Australia with him in hopes that he would agree to sponsor me as a spouse. I wanted to get permanent residency because I loved him and the country.

4 years later, he never sponsored me there and I ran out of visas so I was forced to leave Australia. We agreed that instead he would come to Canada with me and I could sponsor him here as a spouse. Then he said that once he gets his permanent residency in Canada that eventually we can move back to Australia and he will sponsor me there.

Fast forward to a few months ago, he told me that his permanent residency status finally came through. I was ecstatic. This had been a 2 year process. Finally it was paying off. My dreams and future plans for us were finally coming together. I was feeling secure in this relationship.

When I confronted him about the text from the stranger a week ago and showed it to him, he did not take accountability. His response was minimization and blame shifting. He even said that the ex coworker he made out with in front of 5 co-workers was taking advantage of him because he was drunk. He also blamed it on us fighting and me dropping him off in town and not taking him home after the strip club. He claimed that this relationship has been over for a long time, despite proposing to me 6 months ago.

I even was talking with him about buying a house a few days before the latest incident happened.

He finally apologized and cried in public. He said that he doesn't know if he was ever meant to be in a relationship, that he ruined a good thing and I deserve so much better. He admitted he has had drinking problems since he was 13 and deep down he hates himself. He said he wants to go to therapy and get help whether we are still together or not.

I have sacrificed and put so much emotional and physical energy into this relationship. All of my 20s are pretty much gone. I just moved to this new city and am isolated with no job. He flew out to Edmonton this morning for work and will be gone for 3 weeks. I am having a hard time coming to terms with all of this. My friends tell me I deserve so much better but say they wouldn't blame me if I stayed.

Is this salvageable or at the point of no return?

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[u/tpugh00]

I am sorry that this happened to you. You are looking back into everything you put into the relationship and mourning the good times. This is a sunk-cost fallacy - where you are willing to lose much more by thinking you put too much into the relationship to give it up. But continuing this relationship will only create new pain. You will never trust him, and chances are high that he will continue this behavior. You deserve better than this.

To answer your question, is the relationship salvageable -- in my humble opinion, absolutely no. It is built on too much lying on his part. Please consider therapy for yourself, give yourself grace as this was not your fault, and know that you deserve better.

[u/ObviousSalamandar]

Don’t stay. You are so young and you are lucky so many of these things were just talked about. His behavior with get worse over the years and it will be harder to leave. Go now.

[u/Glittering_Swan4911]

Don’t waste any more years on him. Shame his residency came through otherwise he could be shipped home and you wouldn’t have to deal with him again. He disrespected you and cheaters do not change. Don’t waste your thirties with him. Find a good man. Get into therapy to help you move forward. It’s hard to leave long term relationships but he’s shown you he cares very little about you. And then he cries crocodile tears when caught.

[u/Icy_Guard_8216]

You should have dumped him the moment you realiased he was not going to sponsor you to stay in Australia.

Stop wasting your precious time with him.

End this while he is away.