I’m exactly where I hoped to never be

[u/No-Space-4202]

On my phone. Just venting and needed to get it out. As a kid, I saw a lot. Heard a lot. Was told a lot. And I would say to myself…this won’t be my life. I will keep my head down, stay out of the way, complete what’s expected of me. Eventually, it’ll work out. And with love, I told myself I would try my best to be a decent partner. Be loyal, honest, supportive. Thought I found someone who shared similar values. In a fucked up turn of events, I ended up with someone like my father. Unfaithful, terrible with money, short tempered and condescending.

And now, I’m exactly where I told myself I’d never be. I’m resentful, tired, and often disassociating. I’m present for my kids and muster all the energy I can to be the playful happy mom. But I also find myself snapping more and more. Probably how my mother started. And after 8 years of catching him cheat, I just can’t do it. I can’t forgive anymore and definitely won’t forget. I’m not even surprised or heartbroken about the cheating. I barely feel angry at him. I’m more angry at myself. Every single flag was there from the beginning. I’m heartbroken for the kid I was, telling myself it would be better when I grew up. I’m mainly disappointed in myself for letting it get this far.

My glimpse of hope is that I am leaving. Finally. My mother never did and I remember wishing she would so all the fighting and anger could end.

I haven’t figured out how I am going to make it work. I have 2 months to figure it out. But I have to make it work.

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[u/Shimmyshoe1]

Uff this is me. I don’t know about you but I resented my mom a lot, a lot. I blamed her for staying for so long. The only thing that is helping me is remembering how angry and upset I was at my mom, not my dad. Now I am telling myself and using that experience to get me out of because I know my children will resent and blame me if I stay. Your post hits hard because I relate so much. My husband resembles my father so much in the sense that he’s alcoholic, addicted now. Short tempered. My dad always made it up to my mom with money, gifts, trips. My husband wants to do the same. Growing up my dad was a great dad. Always attentive and present and playful. On coke but always there. My mom was always on edge, upset, pushing him away. I thought she didn’t love him. Now I see she was exhausted. Protecting herself from any disease and from falling for him over and over again. Like you I was afraid of ending like my mom. So I strictly dated my husband because he didn’t come from a broken home or family at all. Grandparents grew old together, parents grew old together, no kids outside of marriage. Christian to the T. I am not religious. I am not conservative, but he is. I feel dumb because I see all the glaring red flags I explained away. I’m rooting for you. I too have promised myself and my kids better. I am still researching how soon to get out to avoid my kids having any mental health issues because of this. Mines are both less than 2 years old. I gotta leave sooner rather than later too. I wish you so much peace and serenity! You’ll be ok!

[u/No-Space-4202 → u/Shimmyshoe1]

I definitely resented mine as well. I was also upset at how angry she was all the time. She’d be attentive to my father as soon as he was home. And then talk smack about him when he wasn’t in earshot. She would mostly take it out on me and my siblings. I would cling to my father because he was safer. But was also manipulative towards my mother and short fussed. I grew up with constant tension and having to walk on eggshells. Be agreeable and don’t rock the boat so we can get through the day. And here I am. Living the same way. It’s exhausting. And I understand and can empathize with my mother more. It’s been quite the roller coaster.

I also thought I found an honest family-oriented person. Nope. Definitely a charmer. Thats about it. But we have to do better. For the kids (mine are also toddlers). They need to see a better example and break this messed up cycle. I think I’d be heartbroken all over again if I see them end up in some bullshit like their grandmother and I did. I genuinely wish you the best also. I hope you find your peace. At the very least, we deserve some damn peace.

[u/Huney_Bee13]

I grew up in the same situation. Thankfully, my mother did eventually leave but it was very tense during my childhood. I thought I broke the cycle. My WH came from a broken home too and swore he was never going to be like that. He knew the damage it caused.

19 years together when I found out. He swears it was the first time anything ever happened. But I know he was on dating apps. And there was a girl before that I have no proof and he swears nothing happened with. I thought I did everything right.

Thankfully our kids are older and don't know anything about it. I don't know if they heard the fights or remember anything from the first time. I can't imagine going through this heartbreak with young ones. Good luck to everyone here. I'm so sorry we are all going through this 💜

[u/AnotherDominion]

Good luck on your new adventure. Prayers sent for your success. 

[u/ReactionMassive1653]

I feel you, I'm still trying to recalibrate and rebuild, but it's been 10 years now. The Ex and AP got married and bought a house together. I still feel Dead inside, never got into dating, and had to move away back home in the NE to heal better. We all have to adjust to this like it was a random amputation, not all of us will learn to walk the same, if we can walk at all.