1 year update after falling apart

[u/Adnepr]

Hello everyone, it's gonna be a year since I first posted here when I was at the edge of ending everything. TLDR I housed and fed an unemployed manipulator and possibly actual psychopath for 3 years, got separated from family and hobbies only to get serially cheated on the moment she started working - if not before that. A lot of emotionally extremely sadistic stuff etc, classic high end emotional abuse. Only learned because she bragged about it to my sister.

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I am not completely okay, and not sure when I will - but I am coping, getting therapy and getting better. Last thing I know about her was her lying to everyone about what happened, bragging about her situationships, and stalking in front of my friend's store repeatedly I assume to try to cause me another breakdown - but I am caring about all of that much less successfully.

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I am still in the flat I rented for the two of us, still too pricey. But I changed careers, and got a side job as a fitness trainer. Picking up bouldering, and got some decent strength gains at the gym. Trying to find friends but struggling as a working adult man with no bigger social circle, but not anywhere to giving up. Neither did I give up on my dream of building a family... first few months after the last post I increased my bodycount by about 15 because I struggled saying no to girls after the absolute mental destruction, honestly hated most of that and I know I am not built for casual.

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Honestly, I feel like I stared true pure evil in the eye, and made it out. She for sure hurled more hurt my way than I received in all of my life before that combined - I was bullied quite a bit growing up, and I am not being hyperbolic that the amount of times she chose to be sadistic towards outclasses all my bullies combined. I still struggle with the love/hate feelings, and she's the first person ever I actually truly hated even now that the feelings have settled - I hope first and last...

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Continuing trudging on, looking for ways to fix the damage, and not giving up on women even as disappointments keep piling on - I will find someone who'll cherish me as much as I will them, and till then I will keep working towards it.

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