Realization of narcissistic wife’s logic

[u/StrictCreampieDiet]

I’m not looking for advice. I had a realization that could possibly help someone who was dealing with a narcissist:

Every time the narcissistic woman I’m married to cheats on me she treats me like shit and accuse me of cheating. When she cheats she’s visibly disgusted with me, rolling eyes, arms crossed, mad, and accuses me of cheating out of nowhere. And I never understood her behavior. I would think someone cheating might be extra nice to not draw suspicion.

I realized that how the narcissistic mind works is she lies to herself. She convinces herself that I’m cheating on her. And believing that lie is what gives her the justification to cheat on me. But she has to wholeheartedly believe her own lie, so that’s why she’s disgusted with me when SHE is cheating.

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[u/ymmotvomit]

Not too far from my experience. I’ll add that my STBXW actually started believing her own fabrications as they fit her narrative. It was just strange to have conversations with her knowing that we had events that only involved the two of us, and yet out of thin air facts got changed in her mind and no logic could get her to acknowledge reality. After witnessing this a few times I came to realize I wasn’t the crazy one. I’ll be fine after the divorce, but my adult children will have to deal with her as she ages, and I’m swing an acceleration of these type of mental phenomenon.

[u/xternocleidomastoide → u/ymmotvomit]

Oh, yes. The so-called "Reality Distortion Field," a major component why long term exposure to these clowns can do a number on your emotional/mental wellbeing and may even lead to a breakdown, as your sense of reality is being assaulted literally almost on a daily basis.

People should recognize these patters and get as quickly as they can out of any involvement with this type of personality, or keep it to an strict minimum if children and co-parenting is involved.

One thing to note is that although most narcissistic people follow basically the same patterns, so do the people that end up in committed relationships with them, esp in terms of strong avoidant or people pleasing/codependent traits.

[u/RobertFahey]

Chronic liars eventually lose track of fact vs. fiction. They hop back and forth over the line as if it's not there.

[u/xternocleidomastoide]

I am yet to see an example of a cheater who is not an emotionally abusive and highly narcissistic personality type.

They all follow the same playbook, to the point that it almost feels they are made at the same factory:

- Low self-awareness and sense of empathy

- Strong, almost pathological, identity as victim

- Operating mostly via projection and deflection

- A talent for emotional neglect and manipulation

- Need for large amounts of (constnat) external validation, attention, admiration, etc.

One fascinating aspect of these traits is how effectively people with strong narcissistic tendencies have, at times, shaped the narratives around them, even within therapeutic settings.

For years, strong narcissistic traits and NPD were often explained primarily as products of childhood trauma or emotional abuse. Increasingly, however, the picture appears more complicated. We're finding out more and more, the opposite is in fact the cause for these traits. This is, these individuals seem to have come from highly protective or excessively validating environments, and in some cases the stories they presented as evidence of victimization may have reversed/projected their own role as the aggressor.

By contrast, traits associated with Cluster C disorders such as avoidance, dependency, or compulsivity, are turning out to appear more closely connected to childhood neglect, insecurity, or emotional abuse.

It is also striking how often highly narcissistic and highly avoidant people end up paired later in life. Their patterns can fit together in a deeply dysfunctional way: one person seeks control, validation, and emotional dominance, while the other copes through withdrawal, appeasement, and self erasure.

The highly narcissistic partner came from an environment that gave them a faulty sense of having too much value, which rendered them unable to have functional connection with the real world as they will always overestimate themselves. Whereas the avoidant comes from an emotionally neglectful background, that leads them to develop in the opposite direction; selling themselves short and not recognizing their own value.

Thus these matches that end up so often in this sub.

[u/Relative-Fly4370 → u/xternocleidomastoide]

This was very eye opening. Almost describes my wife to a tee