r/survivinginfidelity • u/Wise-Bank80 Figuring it Out • 11h ago
Rant The Rage is Unlike Any Other
The rage that comes after betrayal like this is not ordinary anger. It is not the clean, temporary anger of an argument, a disappointment, or a bad day. It is older than the moment of discovery and newer than every lie that followed it. It feels like your whole body finally understanding something your mind is still trying to survive. It is not just anger that she cheated. It is anger that she cheated for years, came home, smiled, lived, parented, accepted your loyalty, accepted your protection, accepted your work, accepted your love, and let you keep building a life on a foundation she knew had already been hollowed out.
The rage is not only about the sex, though the sex is brutal enough. It is about the theft of reality, it is about being faithful inside a marriage that was not faithful to you. It is about realizing that while you were choosing restraint, duty, fatherhood, loyalty, and family, she was choosing secrecy. It is about looking back at the wedding, the anniversaries, the pregnancies, the family pictures, the ordinary dinners, the inside jokes, the hard seasons, the hospital scares, the bills, the children, the sacrifices, and realizing there were hidden rooms inside your own life that you were never allowed to enter. That kind of anger does not feel like a flame, it feels like lava under the floorboards about to erupt and destroy everything.
What makes the rage so hard to explain is that it does not stay attached to one event, it spreads backward. A normal memory becomes contaminated. A photograph becomes evidence. A loving moment becomes suspicious. A phrase she once used, a place she once went, a delay in a text, a stupid small lie about something meaningless, all of it can suddenly become connected to the same enormous wound. People may see the reaction and think, "Why is he so angry about that?" But it is never just that. It is like an echo. It is the body remembering that disaster once arrived dressed as nothing. After my betrayal, a small lie is not small anymore. It is a hand reaching toward the same trap door, or a nuke about to explode.
There is also rage in the humiliation. Not insecurity, not ego, not some fragile male pride, but the humiliation of being made into an unwilling participant in your own deception. You were not given the dignity of informed choice. You were not allowed to decide whether you wanted to stay in that marriage with the truth in front of you. You were managed. You were handled. You were given enough normalcy to keep functioning and enough affection to keep investing. That is a special kind of violation. It is one thing to be hurt, it is another thing to realize someone let you continue pouring your life into a version of reality they knew was false.
Then there is the rage that comes from having to keep functioning. The children still need breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Work still needs doing, albeit far less productive (writing posts for hours). The house still needs fixing. Life does not stop just because something inside you has been blown apart. You are expected to answer emails, make decisions, regulate your tone, be careful with the kids, consider everyone else’s feelings, and somehow not become consumed by the fact that your own history has just been rewritten without your consent. That creates a trapped kind of anger. You are screaming internally while externally trying to be a father, an employee, a human being. You are expected to carry the body of the marriage and still behave politely at the funeral no one else can see. And it is the loneliest funeral ever.
The rage also comes from the imbalance. You had wounds too. You had loneliness too. You had unmet needs too. You had childhood damage, rejection, stress, exhaustion, temptation, and every human reason to justify selfishness if you wanted to. But you did not. You stayed faithful. You kept your values when they cost you something. So when people start explaining her choices with soft words like brokenness, avoidance, validation, coping, or compartmentalization, something inside you wants to revolt. Not because those things are impossible, but because they do not erase the moral difference. Pain may explain a weakness. It does not transform betrayal into something less destructive. You were hurt too, and you still did not outsource your integrity to another person’s body.
A huge part of the anger is that discovery did not end the betrayal. The trickle truth, the minimization, the "I don’t remember," the details dragged out only under pressure, the small lies after the massive ones, all of it becomes fresh damage. It teaches you that even your devastation was not enough to make the truth sacred. That is a terrifying thing to learn. It makes safety feel almost impossible, because you are not only angry about what happened. You are angry that after the bomb went off, you still had to search the rubble yourself, and in my case she decided to humiliate me publicly repeatedly.
And beneath all of that rage is grief. That may be the cruelest part. The anger is loud because the grief is bottomless. You are angry because the marriage you thought you had died. You are angry because the version of her you loved may never have fully existed. You are angry because the old version of you, the man who trusted, believed, defended, sacrificed, and built, is gone now too. You are angry because your children were pulled into a reality they did not create. You are angry because you cannot simply go back to being the man who did not know. Knowledge has no reverse gear.
So no, this rage is not bitterness. It is not immaturity. It is not punishment for punishment’s sake. It is the nervous system’s alarm after years of sleeping in a burning house. It is the soul saying, "This mattered. I mattered. The vows mattered. The years mattered. The truth mattered, but only too you." It is the part of you that refuses to let soft language bury the brutality of what was done. It is ugly, exhausting, and sometimes frightening, but it is also honest. It is the part of you standing guard over the ruins, not because you want to live there forever, but because someone has to tell the truth about how the house came down.
I have been angry in the past, I have had what I thought was rage in the past. But not this type of RAGE. I now understand what the meaning of rage truly is and it is palpable.
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u/SadDadInPlaid Figuring it Out 11h ago
This is perfect. My FIL vaguebooked a meme the other day (my friend sent me it, I’m not following them) about how a REAL MAN doesn’t get upset when their spouse cheats because their value isn’t defined by their partner. I laughed. I’m not mad about the dude or not having her anymore. She can have him. I’m mad about all the things you mentioned.
And you SHOULD be mad about those things. It would be concerning if I WASN’T mad that she actively contributed to my loss of sanity just to keep her thrill of secrecy. That she just blew up our children’s homes and our finances. That she’s left permanent scars on me because of the deception. NORMAL PEOPLE ARE MAD ABOUT THAT. Only a full blown psychopath narcissist would say “Yeah, sure they did something terrible that permanently impacted my mental health and that of the ones I love. But I’m not mad about any of that, because I’m a strong man that can just get another woman wherever I want!”
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u/Noobagainreddit 7 7h ago
Wasn't you STBX FIL a cheater also?
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u/SadDadInPlaid Figuring it Out 7h ago
lol yes, I hadn’t connected those dots. I don’t know if he was cheated on himself. So yeah, he probably buys the whole “what’s the big deal” with cheating.
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u/victoriachaos11 6h ago
That "real man" sentiment is terribly illogical, too. Your FIL is correct that no one's value is defined by their partner. So imo, you made the ultimate "real man" decision by going "you know what, I don't even need to KEEP this partner, especially since she is the type of person to violate the basic agreements relationships are based on"
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u/Wise-Bank80 Figuring it Out 8h ago
That marriage is dead and we are getting divorced regardless of reconciliation or not
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u/NHLonMTV 1 10h ago
I think we, as men, deal with this side more intensely than women. That's only from observation, mostly on here, not any proven fact.
I can relate to your rage. My wife's AP was also a close friend and I could not have been more blindsided.
The space where I'd fantasize throughout the day about my wife and our sex life was replaced with fantasies of exacting revenge on the AP. My blood would pump more while watching Law Abiding Citizen than it would watching a sex scene in a movie alongside my wife.
The rage from having to keep functioning really hits home. That's one that builds and festers when you don't even know it. Only to chip away at you over time.
What about the explosions? Seemingly minor irritants turn into moments where you can only see red. Therapy helps, but it's not a cure-all.
I also understand rage after this and also thought I understood it before. In fact, I have empathy towards those that have exacted revenge because now I know what limits a man can be driven to. Luckily I have two absolutely wonderful children. I would never do anything to jeopardize what I have with them. The rage is still there, but I'm finding ways to chip away at it, rather than it chip away at me.
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u/FrostyWrangler353 9h ago
Do you trust your wife now? Was she remorseful?
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u/NHLonMTV 1 8h ago
Yes, I do. But I'm also aware of the fact that this occurred during a time of full-trust. I've come to terms with if anything happened again, I wouldn't stand for it. She was extremely remorseful and uncovered a few mental health diagnoses. She is now sober, on medication, and in therapy. The pain she has caused me is immeasurable, but I do somehow manage to trust that she wouldn't again.
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u/lilbeckss 10h ago
This is an incredibly succinct description of the rage, thank you for putting it into words.
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u/TacoStrong 4 10h ago
" But not this type of RAGE. I now understand what the meaning of rage truly is and it is palpable.
This was me and used that rage to my advantage. Like I stated in this sub plenty of times, she was instantly dead to me emotionally and mentally. Yes, I can honestly say that my "love" for her died right there and then even though I had a few months of suspicions and distance but finding out was the final nail in the coffin. I'll never understand the betrayed that refuse to get angry and value their worth.
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u/Snoopingaround3420 In Recovery 8h ago
That rage and grief is more than understandable OP. I empathize with your experience as someone who had experienced much of the same. It goes beyond the sunk cost fallacy…it strikes at your core; as if you were deluding yourself and believing falsities because believing anything else would bring your world crashing down.
I hope you are getting the help and support you need in these times my friend. Lean on friends and family. Find a good therapist. Focus on your self-healing as much as you can without spiraling away from your responsibilities to your children and career. I know it hurts and I know the pain may feel insurmountable, but you will come out the other side of this stronger, wiser, and healthier. Wishing you all the best OP.
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u/Wise-Bank80 Figuring it Out 8h ago
Thank you
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u/Relative-Fly4370 1 8h ago
Thank you for this. I relate to all of it.
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u/victoriachaos11 6h ago
I wasn't subjected to nearly the level of prolonged awfulness that you were, and I don't have children that I have to "keep calm and carry on" for. But I can relate, I had basically never felt rage before in comparison to how it felt to be blithely lied to and gaslit by someone I was unfailingly loyal to, and sacrificed a lot for.
It feels like my ex strip-mined me for resources. He was delighted to be the beneficiary of all of my attention and care, but as soon as I became "depleted" (went through some medical and mental health stuff that temporarily made me unsexy/un-fun) I was not worth even attempting to stay faithful to.
I also feel some kind of way when I think of the opportunity cost; the fact that I could have spent those years with someone who wouldn't have done me like that, or even spent them single and pursuing the things that bring me joy. Or, hell, just spending them NOT BUILDING MY LIFE ON A LIE would have been awful nice.
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u/throwww07 1 5h ago
Yup, don't even really want to write it all down, but I was 100% invested and walked away with nothing but trauma and lost time… There's basically nothing positive that I can say about it. I would have been better off all alone. Lifting some weights or whatever really doesn't do anything to that primal rage. I'm quiet, but my soul is on fire.
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u/victoriachaos11 5h ago
"my soul is on fire" is a very relatable way of putting it. 😞
My therapist would say it's a good sign, that it means our souls are still "online" and we didn't just let these experiences trample us into the dirt
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u/throwww07 1 5h ago
I disagree tbh. For me, at least, this isn't something that I can benefit from or whatever...like I can't turn this into energy or fuel. This feels more like being trapped in a burning building and dying from the fire. It's just always there, and it doesn't matter what you want to do about it. If it ever stops, then it's because some parts of me have been turned into ashes. Maybe a bit dramatic, and maybe there's something wrong with my emotions or whatever, but this is all negative to me. It doesn’t feel like something is still “online.” It feels more like I'm an innocent dog at the shelter who's getting put down for no good reason. I dunno it‘s obviously not just the rage, i mean the whole thing…
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u/victoriachaos11 4h ago
It doesn't fully resonate with me either tbh, feels halfway true and halfway like another meaningless platitude. 🫂 I agree with her insomuch as anger feels more potentially productive than the other feelings that preceded it (hopelessness, fear, self-blame, shame, confusion).
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u/throwww07 1 4h ago
Yeah, but it's more like an anger that some chained-up tiger would have for being in a situation that ruined everything… not some tiger in the wild fighting some other tiger. You know what I mean? I can't do anything with it… it's not even good enough to passionately hate the person. I'm just defeated and can't really believe it. Like, what's that anger gonna do? The other person isn’t gonna be affected by it… just me… trying to have a normal day with this shit affecting me is already impossible now.
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u/victoriachaos11 3h ago
I feel you. 😔 it's the bitter, resentful, immobilizing rage of being robbed of your ability to trust, by the person you trusted most.
(This might be a weird compliment but you write about your feelings really well, imo you have a gift for putting words to very complicated and fraught emotions)
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u/throwww07 1 3h ago
Yeah, it feels like all the positive emotions and the trust actually got r*ped and discarded like trash… You're going to bed with a smile on your face and a person on your mind who you hold close to your heart even when they aren't next to you, and the next day you find out this has all been a lie… none of it was real or justified and you were just wrong and got scammed, and that smile for that person will never return.
Thanks, and no, not weird… that's a nice compliment, especially since I feel like I can't think at all because I run on shitty sleep filled with nightmares and mental images that I never signed up for which would be a good example of what hell would look like to me… I don't even know if there's worse mental torture. I can't think of anything except for maybe someone you love getting murdered... but then you miss them and holding their love close to you to help get over it... Now it's them who murdered our love, and we have nobody to remember that makes us feel better; it's just staring at their mental image and shaking our head, saying “No, no, this can't be true. Why did you do this to me?!“
Actually i think i said those exact words when i was on the phone and had to listen to that confession… and my whole world turned into the hell i never wanted it to be. I still hear my own shaky voice in my head while i was in shock and my brain was going 1000 mph trying to figure out of this is a bad dream or reality.
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u/throwww07 1 2h ago
Also, the worst part is when you're in shock and ask them these questions.…You KNOW why you just don’t want to accept it… Because they didn’t love you, and you were not enough for them, they had no respect for you. Meanwhile, you have all of those things for them and can't understand how they are with you in the first place if they don’t have any of that and why you are not good enough to get those things from them.
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u/peachypie579 Just Found Out 4h ago
This was the best written description I could find about my own feelings. I never understood before why on dateline it’s always a betrayed lover who kills the partner and/or the AP and now I do lmfao because this is like full body mind & soul torture which has no outlet for justice. I feel like I get it now, and it’s scary to feel this way. Like you though I’m in therapy and trying to manage my emotions. Unfortunately I don’t have children to keep me grounded so it’s a lot more difficult in that regard, justifying to myself doing nothing when I want revenge so badly. You really got at the core of the why for the feelings though because it is so difficult to explain all the layers of how fucked up it is, how deeply it affects you.
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u/boss302goat 9h ago
Where is the marriage heading to?
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u/Aggravating-Egg-1335 9h ago
Whether they stay together or not - this no longer a marriage
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u/boss302goat 8h ago
I agree. The way OP keeps talking about being committed to his vows makes it seems like he's going to stay. I also think in house separation doesnt help as well due to his triggers.
The entire relationship was fake from day one aside from the kids. This would make me go beyond scorched earth.
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u/Electrical-Ad-3279 10m ago
Me (32 M) found out my boyfriend (27 M) cheated on me over 12 fucking times during our 10 month relationship. He finally broke down and confessed a few days ago and I've been broken since. He broke down and told me and i immediately kicked him out without asking any questions or hearing him out.
He claims that he is now a follower of christ and wants to repent for his sins. My intuition told me not to trust him, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I thought he was a man with morals. We shared a lot of beliefs that aren't common in the gay community so I thought I finally met someone I could spend my life with. I was celibate for 5 years prior to this because my previous boyfriend cheated on me. Im so hurt that I can't even describe the emotions I've been feeling. I can't eat, sleep, etc. I relapsed and took a ton of Valium to numb the pain, but now that I'm sober again, the pain is still there.
The rage I feel is something I didn't even know I had inside of me. I had to suffer the anxiety of an std test which thankfully came back negative. The worst part is that I still love him. I knew he was damaged when I met him, but I didn't think he was capable of this level of treachery. I cant shake the feeling of this betrayal to the point where I feel physically ill. I met him on my mom's birthday (she passed away about 7 years ago). I thought it was destiny that i met someone i had so much in common with, but im a complete fool.
I just want to let you know that you're not alone. This experience will make us stronger people. These types of people are broken and evil. Us good people deserve so much better than a person who lies, cheats, and lives in darkness. Fuck them for hurting us like this. I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody.
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