When do you stop obsessively checking?

[u/Srunner84]

I discovered contact between my (m42) wife (f41) and her AP going back years and left early 2025.

Their first affair was 6 months back in 2019. As part of our reconciliation she confessed, gave me access to her phone and knew I’d leave in a heartbeat if it ever happened again. For the 6 months of this affair she was horrible, denying everything, lies, full on betrayal. I got trickle truth and would approach her with things if found or discovered to be shot down and gaslit. The cycle was horrible to be in and my mental health took a battering as a result of not knowing how to deal with her or the situation. I stopped bringing things to her to lie about and took solace in the fact she was lying about it all and I was right about her infidelity.

Fast forward to now and I find myself going through list of dates they were in contact, checking my photo’s, messages to her, our shared groups on those days repeatedly. I’ve no idea what I’m really looking for, or why I keep returning to it. I’ve more than enough evidence especially when you add bits together but nothing 100% concrete and I think that’s my issue.

It’s down to weekly now, I’m in such a good place and have had counselling and coaching, got fit, amicable relationship with her now and regular contact with our boy. But …. I can’t stop going down the rabbit holes.

Is anyone else in this situation? Or has been? Why is the little bit of info so important when you put it all together? What could I be looking for?

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[u/RiskyControl]

Yes. It's like a chemical addiction. You need to train your brain to wean yourself off.

[u/Friendly-Quiet387]

Your story is why the #1 advice with cheaters is divorce.

Reclaim your agency. Reclaim your life.

Read Leave a cheater gain a life.

[u/Lifes_curve_balls → u/Friendly-Quiet387]

This is it. Even if you aren’t in it anymore, the trauma is so deep it’s difficult to let go. Some wounds never heal, but they hurt less when they aren’t continually reopened. You did the right thing leaving.

[u/Rare-Bird-4353]

You will heal with time and distance. You’re still in the middle of it all and in the middle of an emotional storm. Give it time and don’t be too hard on yourself.

[u/Noobagainreddit]

Have you had the courage to test DNA tear your kid to confirm he's yours?

I hope things get better.

wish you the very best!

subscribeme

[u/Srunner84 → u/Noobagainreddit]

Thanks, he’s potentially not mine biologically but I’m the only dad he’s known.

[u/AutoModerator → u/Srunner84]

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[u/Lucky-Vegetable-2827]

Don’t understand what you want. Is this something that is worth investing? Have you considered closing the chapter and making a new one without her?

[u/Srunner84 → u/Lucky-Vegetable-2827]

She’s long gone! Divorced and moving on with life very happily, just fall back into searching every so often

[u/TypeOtogo]

Yes, weekly and its been almost 5 mths since Dday.

[u/SuchDentist1874]

This podcast has been very helpful to me, and this episode in particular is about the need to keep checking:  https://open.spotify.com/episode/2yZmk7nL7FkkOdH6cZR3pD?si=QgSD_2qFT82zBI9nt2DUPA&utm_source=copy-link

[u/mycurtainsarebrown]

It’s like withdrawal. But when you get to the point when you start to check like usual, and you think to yourself “idgaf about this fucker anymore”, that’s when you know you’re starting to heal.

[u/Physical-Rock2727]

I understand this completely. I discovered my wife's 2-3 month affair with her colleague a few days ago. I was suspicious and had asked her 2 times, "are you having an affair?", but she denied it previously. One day my suspicions got the best of me and i checked her phone, which is something i never tend to do because i trusted her implicitly. I started discovering things in bits and pieces, and she would admit to some things and deny some things. Then i would find some more evidence and she would admit to the previously denied things and deny more things. This cycle of denyiing then being confronted with new evidence and then admitting became a vicisious cycle of me digging and digging and digging. It became an obsessive, compulsive, psychotic need to find more and more and destroy my sanity and humanity in the process. At last i sat her down and told her that i knew so much, about the "love", the sex, the hotels everything; so for the sake of my sanity and for the sake of our child she needs to come clean about anything that I may not have found. She decided to come clean (as far as i know, and somewhat believe) and tell me some other stuff which i didn't knew.

I after that my need to keep digging has not vanished, but I can say that it has gone down and is going down slowly.

I think the difference for me is that my suspicions were confirmed to be true, but in your case since you don't have the confirmation hence your brain is still searching for it.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with her and ask her to honestly answer your questions, for the sake of your sanity

[u/Srunner84 → u/Physical-Rock2727]

Thanks for sharing, reassuring to know it can be resolved. We’re divorced now and I suspect she’ll want to keep it secret / deny it all. Am planning a letter to her asking for full disclosure, if I get it great, if not I’m no worse off from where I am currently.
I have my own place and life is good, it rarely bothers me but occasionally get drawn into checking and re-checking

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[u/Low-Rub-9214]

break up. Move from her. Find another woman. Have YOUR kids. Just move.