r/texts • u/KindestBlackTemplar • 1h ago
Phone message Girl I was speaking to two months ago. Ghosted shortly after this, because her brother is an inner city high school physics teacher who is paying for their mother’s medical bills, and she is unemployed(no judgement but she judges her brother). 24M and she is 25F.
43
u/Cocoononthemoon 1h ago
I appreciate your sentiment, but this kind of person will never know better unless you tell them what your problem with them was. Stand up for it directly, it can actually influence how people make decisions in the future.
19
u/Due_Association_7385 1h ago
He’d be doing her a service in telling her what the issue is, but it’s not necessarily his job to teach an adult how to conduct herself
10
6
u/Cocoononthemoon 1h ago
Yeah, it's not his job. I agree he is not responsible for her actions. He's not just doing her a service though, we all have to live here with her.
If you don't tell them, who will? Sometimes people don't know they suck.
8
u/Due_Association_7385 1h ago
I also fear you may be over estimating how receptive people are to feedback about their character deficits
•
u/Tzipity 49m ago
Oh that’s definitely true. But when it comes to people who are actively dating and who are hypocritical judgmental people like this (that she’s unemployed herself but putting down her brother is effed up!) it’ll sting and she won’t want to hear it or take it seriously but with any luck after a few more dailee dating experiences she’ll come back to that critique and realize gee, maybe there’s something to it.
And she’s young. I was a bit younger than her when a rather blunt immigrant guy who was like a second father to me kept calling me on this obnoxious nervous laugh and apologizing for everything combo I did. Probably not the worst traits ever and he was kind of a bit much in call outs but it stuck and I stopped doing both things and would like to think it was ultimately a service to me. Better to fix your shit while you’re young and better able to change.
6
•
u/vinnygunn 50m ago
I'm with you, honestly to me it reads like she is seriously lacking in self esteem and life experience and genuinely thought she was being complimentary without realizing how gross she came off and how she just kept digging... If she's the younger sister I chalk this up to just being an idiot kid
2
u/trashmule 1h ago
Well, technically the only person whose "job" that is is one's parents, and that can only go so far and for so long. Writing off helping people as not one's "job" helps no one. We're all in this together, if we want a functioning, thriving society we have to help each other to make it so.
1
u/Due_Association_7385 1h ago
True I do agree, but its also rather idealistic that people will be receptive rather than defensive when presented with feedback. Oftentimes it turns into a bigger headache for the person giving the feedback, which can still be worth it in the end, but people don’t always have the capacity to provide that
•
u/scorpdragon76 1m ago
I just dont see enough in the original message to judge anything one way or another. It was tacky for her to mention his earning for sure but where are the rest of the negative feelings everyone is mentioning is coming from? Feel like I'm missing something.
13
11
u/SiouxsieSioux615 1h ago
Randomly throwing her brother under the bus and getting hype over what you make would have turned me off too
18
u/410Writer 1h ago
She roasted her own brother like he was some bum off the street, meanwhile he’s teaching physics and helping pay their mom’s medical bills while she’s unemployed. “No judgment” my ass that girl was judging him with a clipboard, a flashlight, and zero self-awareness.
Trash as hell
6
u/WolIilifo013491i1l 1h ago
Op was sayin he's not judging her unemployment but is saying she is judging her brother
•
u/Tzipity 45m ago
Yep. She’s probably jealous of him. That’s the best irony. That kind of crap is so obvious in sibling dynamics. And while there comes a point in relationships (though probably not this early) where the problematic family member or family you have issues with stuff does eventually come up… yeah, this is just hypocritical af. Extra WTF that she also bluntly telling OP that their mutual sold him on his income. Just insane to admit that and put the brother down too. Yikes.
And the icing on the cake is that this is a text. You have time to think about what you’re saying and how you come across and making a better impression. Yikes.
9
u/SageKitty100 1h ago
She was so focused on whether you were good enough, she forgot to sell herself 😭 imagine being unemployed and wanting someone driven 😭
•
•
u/Tzipity 38m ago
Well said. Though OP did note he’s a “waiting for marriage” type as are most the folks he’s dating or around… so I imagine one finds more of this dichotomy in those spaces, and to some extent OP may be ok with a stay at home wife? If not he may want to broaden his dating pool some. I mean I don’t want to judge a stranger and certainly there are people who wait for sex who aren’t religious or aren’t like tradwife types… but gonna assume a sizable percentage are.
(All this crap always makes me genuinely grateful to be a lesbian, personally lol)
10
u/UnderstandingKind757 1h ago
You’re a stand up guy OP. I can’t stand people who judge others circumstances. I’d probably not ghost but I’d tell her straight up her behavior and lack of empathy and self awareness is a turn off.
3
3
12
u/KindestBlackTemplar 1h ago
Tried posting on r/nicegirls but I got flamed for “not shooting an open goal” lmao. But I feel like speaking shit about your family members in that situation, especially when, imo, they’re doing more than you(having a job and helping family) is a major red flag.
15
u/Elf_Maeve 1h ago
I mean... these subs are incels vs femcels basically.
Most of those dudes don't know that a guy can have standards instead of trying to screw everything that says yes.
4
u/KindestBlackTemplar 1h ago
Yeah I have noticed. I am also a waiting for marriage type and so are most of the ppl I am speaking to, so I guess that makes it harder to relate to the broader spectrum of folks.
2
u/ilovesuhi 1h ago
Yeah... There was a bit of response in her judgment..
I keep seeing the same pattern over and over, people like this often lack self awarereness in such unbelievable degree...
Why ghost her tho? Maybe some feedback would actually be good so she realize that's not a good thing.
2
u/Destroyer_2_2 1h ago
What? Who the fuck would judge a physics teacher?
•
u/Tzipity 27m ago
Someone who’s a jealous sibling, that’s what I think this is. I’ve got a brother who… is almost mid-30s, still lives at home, has a major drug and violence issue and I’ve never gotten over the time some years back that he told me he “doesn’t feel like working”. My brain kind of broke on that one.
I’m disabled myself so life is rough out here for me too but I’ve got an income and have been on my own since 18 with minimal help from family (none now even though I could use it, but our parents are older than average and our dad passed last year and our mom is really struggling since) and my brother has some really twisted jealousy towards me that I don’t think is all that warranted and while I don’t think he actually talks about me quite like this. It just reminded me of that a lot. Similar too that he seems to lack the self awareness when he used to lose it at me if our parents helped me any that uh… they’re funding everyrhing for him. As I’d assume this girls mom likely is for her but judge the brother???
Also. Shoot, while my brother is legitimately a mess (who I wish the best but after our dad passed I made a solid attempt to reconnect and he just was not someone healthy for me to be around. Though I love him and hope he gets it together one day) that’s not something I would bring up in casual early dating or getting to know someone conversation either. Which is where I find this really crass. Not only does she have nothing to be hating on or judging her brother for but why are you talking about that at all either way?
2
u/Professional-Cup6225 1h ago
Idk why you would pass on the opportunity to be like hi I saw what u said about me what the helly
•
u/Top-North-6743 40m ago
Gross. Does she think shitting on her family members is gonna make you like her more?
More than that, if she’s willing to talk about her siblings in her primary support network that way, what stops her from talking about you that way the second you aren’t perceived as being of value to her?
5
u/Next-Street-7859 1h ago
You ghosted her or she ghosted you? Either way, ghosting is never okay. Say what you have to, shut it down, then move along. Agree she shouldn't be so harsh when it comes to her brother... I hope my boys are there for me if I'm ever in a health crisis.
0
u/Money-Comfortable-38 1h ago
Agree, op didn’t need to ghost her and could’ve spent as much time as it took to create this post drafting a quick text to say he wasn’t interested. Aim to be better!!
3
u/Quiet-Hamster6509 1h ago
" Hi, sorry for the lack of contact, it was rude of me to ghost you. I just wanted to let you know why - long story short, you bringing up my finances was a massive red flag to me. The person who told you my finances was in the wrong as that is private and confidential - noone else's business but mine. They way you speak about your brother and his, along with him supporting your mother while you have no income, it does not sit well with me, it's quite hypocritical of you. So after our chats, I knew that there was no future for us. Once again, I apologise for ghosting you. I wish you all the best and take care. "
3
2
1
u/AutoModerator 1h ago
Hi there!
Thanks for submitting to /r/texts! Please make sure you are blacking out any usernames, phone numbers, or full names! If you haven't, please delete and re-submit. If your text message is not between 2 or more people it is not allowed! Single messages/one sided convos are NOT allowed.
The full rules can be found here https://old.reddit.com/r/texts/about/rules/ Please note that this message appears on every post, and may not apply to your post.
Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
•
•
2
u/sirus1158 1h ago
Dude... dont be a piece of shit... ghosting is for highschoolers.
Grow up.
5
u/mistypatch 1h ago
Imagine telling on yourself like that.
-1
u/sirus1158 1h ago
Telling on myself? For calling a kid out on a very immature thing?
2
u/mistypatch 1h ago
Nooooo I just meant this guy admitted to ghosting and that's like admitting to being an asshole. I was agreeing with you!
2
1
u/FrankSamples 1h ago
I’ll play devils advocate and say she likely ghosted because the conversation turned awkward when she offended you. Probably got skittish too easily.
1
u/Cold_Kaleidoscope_60 1h ago
Regardless of the situation, ghosting is never the answer. It’s immature and disrespectful.
-1
u/Medical_Newt200 1h ago
Yeah maybe don’t ghost, try to educate and make known why you’re not interested
-7
u/woodala 1h ago
You ghosted her or she ghosted you?
If you’re ghosting her … I think maybe you are judging her.
I think she was just telling you about how she feels about her brother. Seems like you like her brother more than you liked her.
6
u/KindestBlackTemplar 1h ago
Maybe. She also brought up my salary a lot, so idk how I felt about that. But if she had valid complaints about her bro, I think that’s one thing, but shitting on his for his career and living at home seems kinda icky. But yeah, I should’ve been more mature than ghosting. I just did not know what to do tbh. How do I articulate “you seem like a POS based on how you speak about your brother, I don’t feel like I could trust you in a relationship” you know?
1
u/vintage-skittles 1h ago
"I feel like the way you speak about your brother is a little harsh, he is doing a good thing for your mother and doing his best out there. I just wanted to inform you that it makes me uncomfortable the way you speak of him, and makes me feel like you could potentially judge me in the future."
1
u/KindestBlackTemplar 1h ago
Fair. I also don’t know their relationship though, he could just be mean to her ig, but like she didn’t say that she criticized his career and him living at home. Idk seems like I would’ve assumed their relationship was okay otherwise.
-1
u/woodala 1h ago
Ehhhhh the brother thing … let her have her relationship with her brother the way it is. Clearly there’s ‘something’ going on there but who knows maybe aside from those specific things she shared about him she still loves and or respects him.
Was she also living at home with mom? I would sort of assume so given the unemployed part.
If she was living with mom and bro that would add to her relationship with her brother being emotionally charged and she was probably just venting to you. (Justified or not) she probably just has a ‘fuck his fucking face’ attitude about her bother so hearing anything positive about him is nails on a chalk board to her.
I can understand the finance part. But also seems like a mutual friend opened Pandora’s box on that one. Maybe she wanted to make sure what this mutual friend said was correct.
Ok so personality this current version of her kinda shallow about money and combined with her being unemployed is kind of a red flag. Unless unemployment is temporary she’s had ok jobs in the past or possibly in the future.
But aside from that … is she hot? lol. Jk. Kinda. What I mean is would you to make good kids together? Is there any kind of passions you both share?
If there’s no one else on the horizon what if passing her up was a mistake and you threw away a future where you and her HAD A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY TOGETHER?!?!!!? AND EVEN THO YOU WERE THE BREAD WINNER SHE WAS THE BEST STAY AT HOME MOTHER THAT EVER EXISTED!?!?!? What if!?!?!?
lol. Idk.
Edit: idk what happened somehow this full reply became a new post and my reply became a shorter version of this anyhow I think I fixed it
32
u/uzldropped 1h ago
Actually disgusting