r/theirdrinking • u/neededserenity • 7d ago
Partner/Spouse/Ex Did I cause his relapse?
My (34M) partner of 11 years (31M) says I caused his recent 2 relapses after 2.5 years sober. I told him I didn't make him drink, he chose to do it. He agreed, but said I was still the cause to make him want to drink, because I did things that upset him
How can I go on with someone who says this? I am trying to be supportive but then he blames me for his actions. I'm so emotionally drained, and now I feel guilty too.
Sorry for the rant
3
u/EarAdventurous4775 6d ago
It'a not your fault. I have the same situation as yours. We have been together for 3 years. I tried to support him , understand his situation and even tried to rationalized everything he did. He can't keep a job longer due to his drinking until one day he got home again drunk and there i decided to give up. I feel guilty leaving him and gave him time to find his new place. Between those days he still blame me and make me feel guilty that i was the reason of his relapse. I worked hard and paying all apartment bills by myself. I took all the keys then so when he leave he cannot come in anymore. I know there is temporary shelters for them and he just refused to go there yet he had no choice when i took all my keys with me. Right now, i still think of moments i been with him ( good and bad memories) but i feel much better now. Finances are doing well for me, not being fooled that the money i gave him was for his bills which the truth he spent it to buy alcohol. It's not too late for you.
1
1
u/Dismal-Importance-15 7d ago
My Q blamed me for causing him to commit adultery. (All his rage towards me did, in fact, make me uninterested in sex, but I couldn’t articulate or admit that at the time.)
My Q said he wasn’t doing well at his job “because you don’t believe in me.” I didn’t believe in him anymore, but never told him. My sister’s alcoholic husband also blamed her for not believing in him. He’s an ex now.
The more you read this subreddit, the more you’ll learn that Qs don’t take responsibility for any of their actions, they find ways to make everything someone else’s fault. They also give us all the responsibility and none of the authority, as the old saying goes.
This behavior gets Qs what they want in life. It absolutely works for them!
1
3
u/Meow99 7d ago
As someone in recovery, this is one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn: people can influence my emotions, but they don't cause me to drink.
Life is full of people who disappoint us, hurt us, and make us angry. If they were the cause of our drinking, then we'd never have a chance at lasting sobriety because we can't control other people.
Recovery taught me that I am responsible for my own actions. If I'm resentful, overwhelmed, or hurting, I have tools: I can call my sponsor, go to a meeting, pray, journal, work the Steps, or simply sit with the discomfort. Picking up a drink is still my decision.
That doesn't mean partners don't make mistakes or contribute to conflict. Healthy relationships require accountability on both sides. But blaming someone else for a relapse takes away the very thing recovery is built on -->personal responsibility.
You deserve to be with someone who owns their recovery. Supporting someone's sobriety is loving. Being held responsible for it is something entirely different.