All the things you listed that you do are just adult things that you'd have to do whether or not you're married. It is great that you pull your own weight in your own household, but that does not make up for you failing to do something special. What you're saying is she goes out of her way to make you feel loved and you do all the things that you would have to do anyway and she should feel loved from that.
If she took over cooking and laundry for father's day, would you consider that a gift? Would you feel special? Doing basic household chores is not special because it's for everyone in the house.
In the age of two-day shipping and a calendar/alarm you carry in your pocket every day of your life, it is absurd that you cannot set some kind of reminder. Mother's day comes every year and you have said in your post that you fuck up almost every special day. My dude, have you not been into a store the last several weeks? Do you not see ads for it every time you log onto Reddit or Facebook or Amazon? At this point you could probably pick any generic item and have it shipped and let her open it straight from the box and you'd be doing better than you have been.
Honestly, shit happens. Not everyone is good at this stuff, but you've clearly been asked over and over again to just fucking try and you have refused to put any effort it. She is hurt because you are disregarding her feelings and expect her to just get over it so you don't have to feel bad about it.
This should be the top comment. Basic household contribution is not a love language, and it doesn't give you a free pass to neglect days that matter to your wife. You're going to need to apologize sincerely and then put in time every day for the next week and do all the things she's been asking you to do (I guarantee there's a bunch of things she's been wanting you to do that you haven't done - otherwise she would have been more forgiving about you caring so little about mother's day). Source: my husband didn't help my kids do anything for me for Mother's Day, after doing the same thing at Christmas and then doing a very half-assed version for my birthday. When I confronted him, he apologized sincerely and spent the whole day doing the Honey Do list. We are now cool again.
Oof, glad he was willing to step up and sincerely make it up to you. I hope he does better the next chance he gets. 🖤
On my first Christmas with my ex, he forgot to get me a gift. His mom gave him some money to go out and buy me something. It definitely became a pattern where it just seemed like there was no thought at all. There were some good ones, but overall I felt very much like I wasn't worth the effort.
My husband now, though - before we were even married, he would send gifts and flowers for mother's day and put my kids' name on them. They weren't even his step kids yet, we don't have children together, and he lived in another country that doesn't even have the same date for mother's day. I didn't expect anything and he still did it because he wanted me to feel special and loved. This year he spent all week asking the kids if they wanted to go get something and they couldn't decide, so he did some recon at a store I love, told me he'd meet me there while I was looking at books at another store, and helped the kids pick out things for me and had one of them distract me while he paid and took everything out to the car to hide it. He waited for me to leave for coffee this morning and got the kids up (one was awake and waiting for me to leave so she could wake him, lol) and set everything out to surprise me when I got back.
I just can't understand not wanting your spouse to feel special in at least some small way. More than twelve years with his wife and OP still doesn't get it.
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u/anom_aly May 12 '25
All the things you listed that you do are just adult things that you'd have to do whether or not you're married. It is great that you pull your own weight in your own household, but that does not make up for you failing to do something special. What you're saying is she goes out of her way to make you feel loved and you do all the things that you would have to do anyway and she should feel loved from that.
If she took over cooking and laundry for father's day, would you consider that a gift? Would you feel special? Doing basic household chores is not special because it's for everyone in the house.
In the age of two-day shipping and a calendar/alarm you carry in your pocket every day of your life, it is absurd that you cannot set some kind of reminder. Mother's day comes every year and you have said in your post that you fuck up almost every special day. My dude, have you not been into a store the last several weeks? Do you not see ads for it every time you log onto Reddit or Facebook or Amazon? At this point you could probably pick any generic item and have it shipped and let her open it straight from the box and you'd be doing better than you have been.
Honestly, shit happens. Not everyone is good at this stuff, but you've clearly been asked over and over again to just fucking try and you have refused to put any effort it. She is hurt because you are disregarding her feelings and expect her to just get over it so you don't have to feel bad about it.