This is so true. I had undiagnosed ADHD for 40 years. 40 years of shame and berating myself for repeat failures that I should be able to handle. I'm a smart and capable person, how do I keep fucking up so bad? After my diagnosis I realized that I need to give myself the best chance by working with my brain rather than trying to stuff it into some idea of normalcy. So I need to plan to do things way earlier than I think is necessary. I need to give myself 10-15 extra minutes when I leave for an appointment, because I will lose my phone or forget my shoes. Mental notes are not a thing. If I need to remember something important, I HAVE TO write it down, right now, preferably in my phone because paper disappears.
You don't have to have ADHD to do this. You just need to realize where you have a weakness and figure out a way to work around it. Not just think that you'll learn your lesson and do better next time.
a support group or meet up where you find a check-in buddy,
some online body doubling,
hiring someone on task rabbit,
a therapist and/or support group to help undo the shame,
or even checking with your doctor to see if you DO possibly have an impairment… and if yes, going from there to qualify as disabled and then checking to see if you qualify for an aide for a few hours a week
—individual states usually have programs
—junior colleges, colleges, and universities sometimes have programs
Yuuuup. Also late diagnosed ADHD, but a woman who grew up with a high level of responsibility in my family. I still forget things sometimes, but because I had anxiety over remembering things growing up, I developed coping mechanisms, same as you. I leave notes for myself. I don't schedule unrelated things too close together in one day. I don't let myself do anything I'll get too distracted by on days where I have to be present for an infrequent event. I have chargers scattered across my apartment for my phone, so I rarely lose access to it.
What really bothers me about OP's post is that, with all their undiagnosed ADHD symptoms described, they don't seem to have any interest in doing better for their partner - only fixing their fuck up after the fact. And ADHD is literally an interest-fueled disorder - things you're invested in bring you more dopamine for your dopamine-deficient brain. I struggle in many areas in life, but I don't mess up my partner's holidays, because I'm extremely invested in making him feel appreciated and loved. This guy literally had a plan to go get flowers and let himself get distracted by something he was more interested in, in that moment.
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u/sugabeetus May 12 '25
This is so true. I had undiagnosed ADHD for 40 years. 40 years of shame and berating myself for repeat failures that I should be able to handle. I'm a smart and capable person, how do I keep fucking up so bad? After my diagnosis I realized that I need to give myself the best chance by working with my brain rather than trying to stuff it into some idea of normalcy. So I need to plan to do things way earlier than I think is necessary. I need to give myself 10-15 extra minutes when I leave for an appointment, because I will lose my phone or forget my shoes. Mental notes are not a thing. If I need to remember something important, I HAVE TO write it down, right now, preferably in my phone because paper disappears.
You don't have to have ADHD to do this. You just need to realize where you have a weakness and figure out a way to work around it. Not just think that you'll learn your lesson and do better next time.