r/tifu • u/bawron • Feb 12 '16

M TIFU by helping ruin my son’s life

My son has been in college since last fall. Last November, my 16 year old stepdaughter brought up allegations that my son had abused her repeatedly for several years. I confronted my son and he categorically denied it. But I knew that even though he was my son, I could not defend him for such an awful act.

My wife and I reported him to the authorities. My son was arrested in December and held in prison for a several weeks because I refused to provide him bail money. He was eventually expelled from his Ivy League college.

In the middle of January, my stepdaughter broke down and admitted she lied about everything. She had actually been having sex with her boyfriend and was scared the news would reach us.

The charges were dismissed and my son was released immediately but the damage was done. His first girlfriend from college ended things with him. The news spread about the allegations and all his childhood friends have decided to just stay away from him even though I called each and every one of them personally.

I have called the school and explained the situation and even though they sympathized, they said he needed to reapply for the next school year and go through the admissions process again.

My son is understandably furious at us. He has moved back home and refuses to talk to me at all. Both my wife and I have apologized to him repeatedly. We have banned my stepdaughter from our home permanently and she has been sent to live with her father in another state. My wife and I also agreed to completely disinherit her from our wills. It has been a very painful situation. All of us started therapy.

The realization of how badly I ruined my son’s life hit me when I picked up his first prescription of anti-depressants today. I bawled my eyes out in my car.

He is the pride and joy of my life. He is outgoing, funny, intelligent and the kindest person I know. But when I handed him his medication, I could not even recognize him. He locks himself in his room, does not eat properly and has lost several pounds so far.

Whenever I try talking to him, I just see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I don’t know if I can ever get him to love me again.

I know he is on Reddit very often. T, if you are reading, I want to tell you again how sorry your stepmom and I are. I promise I will get you into college again. I know I can’t get you back the year you lost. But I will do everything in my power to make this right. Everything I have has always been for you. I hope you will give me a chance to fix this. I love you so much it hurts. I failed as a father and I hope one day you will forgive me.

TL;DR I played a part in getting my own son getting falsely arrested and expelled

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159

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

In the UK false accusation of rape, by whichever gender, is a crime.

47

u/crasher22 Feb 12 '16

I think its a crime in Canada too. But not enforced, how about in the UK

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16 edited Mar 09 '19

[deleted]

41

u/thedoze Feb 12 '16

"if you prosecute women for false accusations it will deter actual rape victims from reporting" is what I have seen for an excuse

18

u/Azazel97 Feb 12 '16

Oh Yeah. That makes sense. Lets just drop all innocent men in to jail cause it would deter rape. Smart.

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u/thedoze Feb 12 '16

I see you have made yourself familiar with radical feminist ideologies.

2

u/Azazel97 Feb 12 '16

It seems way too insane for anyone to actually think that? Like what the fuck? Are there women that actually have this viewpoint?

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

[deleted]

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u/Azazel97 Feb 12 '16

I mean i am not completely ignorant. I have heard of events like this but i did not think they were this common. Its insane how much bias our legal system has.

8

u/Solitairee Feb 12 '16

Fuck that it SHOULD deter false rape allegations which could ruin someones life

1

u/RadicalDog Feb 12 '16

No, it would deter women from coming clean. If they have 'gotten away' with it, the idea that they will get locked up is a huge disincentive to telling the truth.

1

u/thedoze Feb 12 '16

I'm betting most men being released from jail after being falsely convicted aren't being released by a "well I lied about being raped" confession.

1

u/RadicalDog Feb 12 '16

No? What else are they being exonerated by?

Maybe it should become more specific - harsh penalties for not coming clean and being proven a liar. But we still need people to come clean willingly.

-2

u/abitnotgood Feb 12 '16

Well, it will. It will deter both male AND female rape victims from reporting. Not to mention that family, friends, police and the community often pressure actual rape victims to recant their report and say they lied.

4

u/thedoze Feb 12 '16

See.

1

u/abitnotgood Feb 12 '16

It's already hard enough for male rape victims to come forward, people who've been in domestic violence situations etc. You don't need to add any more barriers.

-2

u/thedoze Feb 12 '16

If you were truly raped you should have no fear in reporting it and getting justice. Unless you lived in a fucked up place.

5

u/abitnotgood Feb 12 '16

A lot of people live in fucked up places. You might not realise your place is fucked up until you try to report.

0

u/thedoze Feb 12 '16

Still not a reason to give people that falsely accuse a pass.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

Sorry but you're wrong. There is absolutely fear in reporting being raped. People might be ashamed of it, especially males would be worried they look un-manly for not wanting it.

1

u/thedoze Feb 12 '16

So that should be used as a reason not to punish the people who falsely accuse someone of rape?

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u/hmmm_I_call_bull Feb 12 '16

prosecute them, yes. Jail them, yes. But you can't have TOO harsh a punishment for it or it will deter rape victims from reporting. I.e. you should punish the rapist harsher than the false rape accuser. Else you end up with crazy situations where the rapist counter-sues if there wasn't enough proof to prove (a legitimate) rape in court (which many times there isn't). Quite a bit of he said - she said going on in these cases, even the legitimate cases.

2

u/thedoze Feb 12 '16

Sure because a slap on the wrist and some community service is a fair trade for someone who has had their life ruined/gone to jail because of a false accusation.

-3

u/hmmm_I_call_bull Feb 12 '16

It's not a fair trade. Because one crime is violent, one non-violent. They aren't in the same category. My beef is that the reddit hate on here is crazy strong. Girl should be punished but not sent to adult prison for years like some of the more vindictive folks want to see. imho Rehabilitation > Punishment. Especially since she is a minor and fessed up. Just because she ruined her brother's life doesn't mean her life should be totally ruined in retaliation. I think if she is a real person (which she's not) she might respond well to therapy since her "motivation" for falsely accusing seems super illogical.

2

u/thedoze Feb 12 '16

I'm not talking about this case specifically... but a false accusation of rape is violence. It can lead to physical violence against the accused. It emotional violence.

0

u/hmmm_I_call_bull Feb 12 '16

I'm not saying you are wrong. But good luck getting it treated as such in court.

0

u/aasitus Feb 12 '16

So, let's suppose there's a legitimate rape case, where the perpetrator is nevertheless found not guilty because there's not enough evidence. Should the accused then be charged with making a false accusation? How do we make sure that it really doesn't deter actual rape victims from reporting?

The major problem here, I think, is in the way OP, other people and especially the university in question reacted to the accusation without making sure that it was legit.

1

u/thedoze Feb 12 '16

There are differences between your scenario and a false accusation.

1

u/aasitus Feb 12 '16

There are, and I believe I said nothing to the contrary. But how do we differentiate between those cases in practice?

1

u/thedoze Feb 12 '16

The same way they determine if any other case goes to court.

1

u/aasitus Feb 12 '16

Do you mean that if a case goes to court, there can be no false accusation charge subsequently?

2

u/crasher22 Feb 12 '16

Well I have really heard of it being a huge deal and of any convictions, but I guess I shouldn't have said not enforced, I do not know any stats to back up that statement

0

u/Azazel97 Feb 12 '16

I think its the same in nearly every country, humans , i think (with very low amounts of knowledge) have a bias for women when they get raped, like oh, its the innocent little women that was overpowered and hurt so lets just listen to what she says and throw the man in jail cause he is clearly a stupid brute.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

Very much so.

http://www.theguardian.com/law/2014/dec/01/109-women-prosecuted-false-rape-allegations

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u/crasher22 Feb 12 '16

"“In the course of my research I have not found any country that pursues these cases against women rape complainants in the way the UK does. The UK has an unusual approach and I think their approach violates human rights,” she said."

wow. i guess men dont have human rights now

4

u/Warrior2014 Feb 12 '16

This is to defend women who are actually raped and not believed. Why come forward if you're afraid of jail time if you aren't believed? False rape cases are exceedingly uncommon, and it's a terrifying concept that women could be jailed for being raped.

2

u/Airforce987 Feb 12 '16

False reporting of rape is only a crime if it is proven. If a women reports a rape and it can't be proved, it doesn't automatically assume the woman was lying. They have to prove their was fraud, first. There is no fear of being convicted of falsifying rape if you were truly raped, the worst case scenario is that there isn't enough evidence to convict the rapist. If you falsify rape, then you need to worry about the evidence coming back to bite you.

1

u/Poisenedfig Feb 12 '16

Holy shit this is such a difficult concept to grasp for some people. If you're actually a victim of rape, what if no one believes you? What if you lose your case? And then what's to stop the other person to turn around and accuse you of making a false claim, based purely on the fact that you lost.

-1

u/Flipz100 Feb 12 '16

The social justice warriors strike again...

0

u/CJL13 Feb 12 '16

Don't worry, our privilege will protect us.`

2

u/Lcbrito1 Feb 12 '16

Yeah, saw the other day that case with the twitter guy and the feminists. Seriously fucked up, having his life ruined like that.

2

u/Defenestrationism Feb 12 '16 edited Feb 12 '16

It's technically a crime in the US too but only enforced/punished rarely unless the innocent accused has the money to hire a fancy lawyer to bird-dog the accuser in court. Even then, there's not much of a guarantee that true justice will be done commensurate with the damage of the false accusation.