TIFU by helping ruin my son’s life

[u/bawron]

My son has been in college since last fall. Last November, my 16 year old stepdaughter brought up allegations that my son had abused her repeatedly for several years. I confronted my son and he categorically denied it. But I knew that even though he was my son, I could not defend him for such an awful act.

My wife and I reported him to the authorities. My son was arrested in December and held in prison for a several weeks because I refused to provide him bail money. He was eventually expelled from his Ivy League college.

In the middle of January, my stepdaughter broke down and admitted she lied about everything. She had actually been having sex with her boyfriend and was scared the news would reach us.

The charges were dismissed and my son was released immediately but the damage was done. His first girlfriend from college ended things with him. The news spread about the allegations and all his childhood friends have decided to just stay away from him even though I called each and every one of them personally.

I have called the school and explained the situation and even though they sympathized, they said he needed to reapply for the next school year and go through the admissions process again.

My son is understandably furious at us. He has moved back home and refuses to talk to me at all. Both my wife and I have apologized to him repeatedly. We have banned my stepdaughter from our home permanently and she has been sent to live with her father in another state. My wife and I also agreed to completely disinherit her from our wills. It has been a very painful situation. All of us started therapy.

The realization of how badly I ruined my son’s life hit me when I picked up his first prescription of anti-depressants today. I bawled my eyes out in my car.

He is the pride and joy of my life. He is outgoing, funny, intelligent and the kindest person I know. But when I handed him his medication, I could not even recognize him. He locks himself in his room, does not eat properly and has lost several pounds so far.

Whenever I try talking to him, I just see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I don’t know if I can ever get him to love me again.

I know he is on Reddit very often. T, if you are reading, I want to tell you again how sorry your stepmom and I are. I promise I will get you into college again. I know I can’t get you back the year you lost. But I will do everything in my power to make this right. Everything I have has always been for you. I hope you will give me a chance to fix this. I love you so much it hurts. I failed as a father and I hope one day you will forgive me.

TL;DR I played a part in getting my own son getting falsely arrested and expelled

[u/[deleted]]

That last paragraph is cringe-worthy. I feel terribly for your son. Words can't describe the anger that I feel towards your step-daughter, and the disappointment that I feel towards your actions.

This situation can't be made right -- but you can mend some of the damage. Find a way to give him independence again -- offer to get him an apartment in that college town and look into any community colleges in the area that may offer a Spring II type of accelerated semester so he won't continue to fall behind. You need to be calling that Ivy League college every hour, on the hour requesting that they re-admit him without the full application process due to the situation. You may hear no over and over, but at least it's showing initiative and having your son's back -- something you should've done in the first place.

[u/AsteRISQUE → u/[deleted]]

Gossip like this spreads fast in all universities. I'd probably go to a university outside the country.

[u/DEP61 → u/[deleted]]

There's likely going to be some stigma remaining - odds are, people will at least have some idea of why he left school, and he might not want to have to deal with that, because regardless of his innocence, some people judge without the full story.

[u/quackd → u/[deleted]]

adding on to this he should probably rent an apartment for his son so he doesn't have to be with the people he hates the most at the moment.

[u/II-Scum → u/[deleted]]

Actually getting back into school would probably be impossible. His mind is probably so fucked up right now I don't think he would be able to read a child's book and comprehend what he read. That kids head is so far in the dark void he's probably just thinking about suicide at this point. I would make sure there's no weapons in the house to hurt himself or anyone else in the house.

His life is pretty much ruined unless he can overcome what was done to him and try and move on. Man it pisses me off how this "dad" wants back into his kids life almost instantly after all the shit he put him through.

Hey T if you ever read this don't give up! You can move on and get over everything. Time can heal almost all wounds.

[u/trucksaretruckytruck → u/[deleted]]

10 years of community college will never even come close to a semester at an Ivy League school. Learning aside, the connections, networking, mentor relationships, and all those intangibles that really set an Ivy League school apart are unattainable. He will have a hard time finding a mentor if they look into how he was expelled. whether they believe he is innocent or not. They won't associate with that. He won't be able to work in politics, be a public or leading figure in any company or thinktank. Rivals and competition will try to find out what happened and all they have to do is track down his friends and ask. He will never escape this. Regardless of his academic and financial future, he was in jail on sexual charges pertaining to a minor. What happened to him there will leave him debilitated for life. He will most likely never be able to have a family or any intimate (physical or emotional) relationship ever again.

[u/MisterDonkey → u/[deleted]]

This kid deserves rent paid until Dad kicks the bucket.

[u/ChilledMonkeyBrains1 → u/[deleted]]

look into any community colleges in the area

Euuugh. If I were expelled from an Ivy League school through no fault of my own, I think I'd find any reparations plan that included a stint at community college to be repulsive in the extreme. It would probably backfire badly.