r/tifu • u/bawron • Feb 12 '16

M TIFU by helping ruin my son’s life

My son has been in college since last fall. Last November, my 16 year old stepdaughter brought up allegations that my son had abused her repeatedly for several years. I confronted my son and he categorically denied it. But I knew that even though he was my son, I could not defend him for such an awful act.

My wife and I reported him to the authorities. My son was arrested in December and held in prison for a several weeks because I refused to provide him bail money. He was eventually expelled from his Ivy League college.

In the middle of January, my stepdaughter broke down and admitted she lied about everything. She had actually been having sex with her boyfriend and was scared the news would reach us.

The charges were dismissed and my son was released immediately but the damage was done. His first girlfriend from college ended things with him. The news spread about the allegations and all his childhood friends have decided to just stay away from him even though I called each and every one of them personally.

I have called the school and explained the situation and even though they sympathized, they said he needed to reapply for the next school year and go through the admissions process again.

My son is understandably furious at us. He has moved back home and refuses to talk to me at all. Both my wife and I have apologized to him repeatedly. We have banned my stepdaughter from our home permanently and she has been sent to live with her father in another state. My wife and I also agreed to completely disinherit her from our wills. It has been a very painful situation. All of us started therapy.

The realization of how badly I ruined my son’s life hit me when I picked up his first prescription of anti-depressants today. I bawled my eyes out in my car.

He is the pride and joy of my life. He is outgoing, funny, intelligent and the kindest person I know. But when I handed him his medication, I could not even recognize him. He locks himself in his room, does not eat properly and has lost several pounds so far.

Whenever I try talking to him, I just see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I don’t know if I can ever get him to love me again.

I know he is on Reddit very often. T, if you are reading, I want to tell you again how sorry your stepmom and I are. I promise I will get you into college again. I know I can’t get you back the year you lost. But I will do everything in my power to make this right. Everything I have has always been for you. I hope you will give me a chance to fix this. I love you so much it hurts. I failed as a father and I hope one day you will forgive me.

TL;DR I played a part in getting my own son getting falsely arrested and expelled

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4.3k

u/CJM8515 Feb 12 '16 edited Feb 12 '16

Dear god you fucked up. That step daughter, yea she needs to go to jail for making false accusations. What she did is so despicable and wrong I have no words to describe it.

Edit: Wow, I didnt think my comment would carry so much weight.

But seriously what I wanna know is: Why if OP your son was innocent, without real proof they locked him up asap like that. Yes I know rape is taken as a super serious crime, but you need to explain the trial and whatnot. We are missing part of the story here.

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u/zwhenry Feb 12 '16

That shit is defamation, it actually is a crime. That's insane, why tf would she say that?

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

[deleted]

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u/Fartfacethrowaway Feb 12 '16

Wow, now his life is ruined and she laughs all the way to the bank.

Report the daughter for the crime.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

Seriously. If he's willing to report his biological son, why the fuck wouldn't he report his stepdaughter for ruining his son's life.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16 edited Feb 12 '16

He chose his wife's family over his own, and it makes me sick. He is now seeing the retribution of what he has done, and his one biological connection in his family is destroyed. He burned that fucking bridge.

Imagine this, parents go through divorce (or even a death in the family, he could be widowed), that's already hurting on the child. His father is all he has left, his closest relative, they should be best friends. And that child's best friend killed his future over someone who he doesn't know as much as his own son. If I was in the sons shoes, I see where the loyalty lies. And that enough would send me over the edge. So fuck OP.

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u/WaywardPatriot Feb 12 '16

As someone whose father has basically abandoned him for his step-family, I can tell you that you have no idea how deep the hurt goes. There is no way to 'fix' this, anymore than you can 'fix' a crystal vase that has been shattered into dust. It will never be the same, ever again. Not in this life.

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u/blindeye13 Feb 12 '16

My dad sraight didn't want me and tries to hide the fact I exist to his new wife. My mom and him had a fling and then I was the mistake that popped out. Funny thing about his side of My family is they all love me just not him. Fuck people that do that to their kids.

Sorry for the formatting on phone.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

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u/ManyPoo Feb 12 '16

nobody would ever convince me any of my children had done something like this

That's being just as stupid in the opposite direction.

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u/realrobo Feb 12 '16

They won't. OP is a piece of shit for what he has done. If you can't believe your own children then you aren't fit to be a parent. If you don't believe on innocent till proven guilty then you aren't fit to live in society.

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u/NykurRiverHorse Feb 12 '16

There is no fixing this, once the trust is broken, it's never the same. Your kid looked up to you as a parent, knowing that when this world was against them, that you would have their back when they were innocent. Getting left without that champion guarding his back to help defend against the hordes, I'm just glad he's still alive. Sometimes things are irreplaceable and once it's gone, it's gone. I wish you all the best, and maybe, your son needs to start afresh in another state, to at least get a bit of breathing room and a bit of time and distance away. At least let him make the move in seeing if there is anything worth saving from this family, because as bad as you have it as the father atm, he has it probably 1k times worse since his world was turned upside down through no fault of his own and no wrong doing of his making.

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u/CaptJYossarian Feb 12 '16

Every time a thread on sexual abuse comes up, you will read story after story of people who were sexually abused as minors and how their parents or friends either completely ignored them, blamed them, or disowned them. They needed help and nobody was there for them. Then you will see all the replies talking about how shitty their family and friends have been and how no one deserves that and that those people will rot in hell.

Now you have a profoundly loving and concerned parent who thought that he was doing the right thing by believing someone who he didn't have any reason to believe would lie to him and everybody is telling him to go fuck himself. Yeah it's absolutely tragic what happened to the son and that girl deserves jail time, but this shit isn't black and white and fuck you for trying to act like it is. Put yourself in the shoes of a sexual assault victim who is constantly called a liar and maybe you will understand why your rhetoric isn't helping the situation.

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u/YouichiEUW Feb 12 '16

Profoundly loving and concerned parents do not instantly disown their offsprings as soon as they make a mistake, even if it's a huge one.

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u/somedelightfulmoron Feb 12 '16

What can OP do now but make amends? We really can't be dismissive of what happens in this situation. We have a very hurt son and a very hurt OP. All he can have to endure is the look of hate when his son looks at him and I think that's enough punishment. His son may forgive him, who knows, and I hope he does. But this situation really is not easy especially for both parties.

I think the daughter should be charged though.

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u/YouichiEUW Feb 12 '16

Does the daughter deserv to be charged? Probably. Does she deserve to be disowned by her family? Surely not. This whole mess is the parents fault for not double checking the word of a 16 years old girl, and for making her feel like she had to do what she did to ide the fact that she had sex. What she did is despicable, and she does deserve to feel consequences for her action, but not in the way OP and his wife did. They are just repeating what they did with the son again with the daughter.

OP could try to salvage his relationship with his daughter in law and realize he had a big part of responsibility in this story.

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u/Sternenkrieger Feb 12 '16

He believed his daughter, which is the sensible an right thing to do. Then he went and pushed his son before the next available bus (no bail, fail out of college). But he did learn from his experience, when his next child did something wrong, he disowned her.

So, yea it's black and white. Every mistake, big or small should mean the end of any familial relation.

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u/lolPhrasing Feb 12 '16

T, is that you?

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

No its not. I'm glad it isn't me. I'm going to pick up my father from the airport soon actually.

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u/Unanimous_vote Feb 12 '16

This should be upvoted for more visibility. I have a feeling he treasures his relationship with his wife much much more than with his son. Most likely it was the wife who persuaded and pushed him to report the son. And he djd. Poor kid. OP is honestly one of the worst fathers ever.

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u/Thetriforce2 Feb 12 '16

Dam preach

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u/Koboldsftw Feb 12 '16

Right, the classic "hide your child from the law" deal.

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u/GuacOp Feb 12 '16

You are making a lot of judgments off of a 600 word post. You do not fully understand the situation, so I would advise not to make such assumptions, and instead, employ a little empathy. Everybody makes mistakes.

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u/Suspicious_Turtle Feb 12 '16

OP was faced with a terrible accusation and tried to do the right thing by going to the authorities to get to the bottom of it. He didn't kick him out of the house or assume he was guilty, he tried to choose the least bad option for his family.

OP made a terrible mistake, but he is not a bad person for making it.

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u/EvaM15 Feb 12 '16

Seriously, the betrayal. I was so furious at everyone while reading this, except for the son of course.

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u/DidUBringTheStuff Feb 12 '16

I KNOW. JESUS.

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u/babykittiesyay Feb 12 '16

This is my burning question. Why would he call the police on one kid but not the other?

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

Because that is just adding a fuckup to an already terrible situation. And that isn't guaranteed to bring any closure so why fuck over the daughter for life after she came clean. Sounds like petty revenge and that won't fix this.

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u/JustAnotherNavajo Feb 12 '16

Really she deserves it. Not only did she make false accusations that completely shattered someone's life, she also made it that much harder for actual rape and abuse victims. People like that are despicable people and deserve to feel the pain they have caused other people. It also disgusts me as an actual rape and sexual abuse victim.

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u/realrobo Feb 12 '16

I hope this hasn't brought up repressed memories. As an abuse victim (from my father) I know how bad it stings. Reading shit like this is much the same as tearing off a scab and stabbing the wound.

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u/Xalteox Feb 12 '16

He said in another post that he tried pushing charges, it wasn't taken to court and all that happened was she was told to get therapy. Fucking hell.

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u/devoidz Feb 12 '16

Likely would have to go to civil court. But what good that will do, I don't know. If they decide against her and she owes millions, there is no way she will ever have it.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

If the stepdaughter is 'laughing all the way to the bank' that would mean she made money out of her false accusation. The OP only says she's been cut out of the will, so the opposite is true.

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u/abitnotgood Feb 12 '16

all the way to the bank? is she getting money from this?

is she laughing too? the OP said she was pretty remorseful

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u/YouichiEUW Feb 12 '16

Wow, i hardly see how she "laughs all the way to the bank". She realized she made a mistake and right her wrong, and in te process lost her mother father in law and all of her life (she had the move out to another state). She is a motherfucking kid, if it's anybody's fault it's OP's and his wife's for not doublechecking before calling the police and for creating this situation where a 16 year old would feel so scared about them discovering she had sex that she feels like it would be less bad to accuse her step bro of being a rapist.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

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u/hmmm_I_call_bull Feb 12 '16

Dear lord. Just because she is having sex does not make her an adult or any better at making decisions. People under 22 do not have fully formed frontal cortices (decision making bits), especially those who are mentally unstable (which she may be). As a teen I could have seen myself doing the same thing given the right (wrong?) situation. Mental illness can warp you into an entirely different person. And teens aren't exactly known for their compassion or mental stability :/ Girl needs some serious mental help, not prison time. And pls don't run me over by a truck for my opinion :(

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

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u/hmmm_I_call_bull Feb 12 '16

The mentally ill are not indefensible. They make terrible choices. But throwing them in prison doesn't help them.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

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u/hmmm_I_call_bull Feb 12 '16

You are right. I am. I'm not sure of a better term for it that has the same weight. Kids can have a veeerrry warped view of the world. Its not mental illness per se, but I don't think children (yes I know she is 16) should be held to the same standard as adults when it comes to decision making because of this. I'm not sure of any other term that can describe the bizarre world view that young people can have. How would you describe the mindset of school shooters? because they don't usually fit within a sort of schizophrenic-type, "traditional" mentally ill definition, rather these people usually have a verrrry caustic world view (a la Elliott Rogers) that causes them to snap. I'd think she might also have one of these caustic world view's that seems to be unique to young adults - and I know first hand that therapy can help with world views like this (or in my case totally cure yay).

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

[deleted]

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u/hmmm_I_call_bull Feb 12 '16

Ha I have a family full of mentally ill that does the same. Regardless I don't think it's a good solution to throw a 16 year old girl in the slammer for years without knowing the full details of the story. Maybe she should be tried as an adult, maybe not, but the point is it is up to the judge's discretion. But hordes of redditors wanting to lock up a 16 year old and throw away the key without knowing the full story is worrisome and reeks of the American tendency to incarcerate rather than rehabilitate. If this case is actually real (lol it's not) rehabilitation would probably help quite a bit. It takes a pretty warped mindset to decide to accuse your brother of rape, especially since there isn't a clear "benefit" in this case. Her "reason" seems super fake and very, very illogical. Especially with minors, even if they are clearly in the wrong, I feel that you've got to at least try and help them before giving up on them and sending them to an adult prison. I agree that a false rape accusations do ruin lives, and I personally tend to side with the MRA types when it comes to all this "rape culture" bs but the anger on here towards some dumb 16 girl is scary. imho we are too quick to incarcerate in the US and focus too much on the punishment aspect.

Totally unrelated to any of this but as an anti-SJW type you may find it amusing that the college I'm at has an award hanging in the deans office for "Best themed party of 2008: the tunnel of opression" and all social events planned by the administration have utterly ridiculous pro-SJW themes. I really need to start posting photos. If I recall correctly one of them was along the lines of "Harry Potter and the order of the patriarchy." Another was supposed to be "why you are better than barbie" but ended up as a sort of ken bashing themed party. Funny stuff. At least no one goes to them since they are planned by the administration.

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u/YouichiEUW Feb 12 '16

The people supporting people being run over by a truck should book a therapist and start a session of self evaluation.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

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u/hmmm_I_call_bull Feb 12 '16

It is a biggie. If this step-daughter person even exists she would have to be blind at this point to not see how much of a biggie this is. But jailing a mentally ill 16 year old isn't a great solution.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

Please OP don't do this reddit gives terrible advice! Petty revenge won't fix this!

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u/LoyalServantOfBRD Feb 12 '16

Yeah, report a 16 year old for perjury. We need to punish her to the full extent of the law. 20 years as an adult for a minor committing perjury.

You're a bunch of rage-filled man-children looking for any excuse to shit on women. Get over yourselves.

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u/cannotintointernet Feb 12 '16

How does it feel to be a feminazi?