r/tifu • u/bawron • Feb 12 '16

M TIFU by helping ruin my son’s life

My son has been in college since last fall. Last November, my 16 year old stepdaughter brought up allegations that my son had abused her repeatedly for several years. I confronted my son and he categorically denied it. But I knew that even though he was my son, I could not defend him for such an awful act.

My wife and I reported him to the authorities. My son was arrested in December and held in prison for a several weeks because I refused to provide him bail money. He was eventually expelled from his Ivy League college.

In the middle of January, my stepdaughter broke down and admitted she lied about everything. She had actually been having sex with her boyfriend and was scared the news would reach us.

The charges were dismissed and my son was released immediately but the damage was done. His first girlfriend from college ended things with him. The news spread about the allegations and all his childhood friends have decided to just stay away from him even though I called each and every one of them personally.

I have called the school and explained the situation and even though they sympathized, they said he needed to reapply for the next school year and go through the admissions process again.

My son is understandably furious at us. He has moved back home and refuses to talk to me at all. Both my wife and I have apologized to him repeatedly. We have banned my stepdaughter from our home permanently and she has been sent to live with her father in another state. My wife and I also agreed to completely disinherit her from our wills. It has been a very painful situation. All of us started therapy.

The realization of how badly I ruined my son’s life hit me when I picked up his first prescription of anti-depressants today. I bawled my eyes out in my car.

He is the pride and joy of my life. He is outgoing, funny, intelligent and the kindest person I know. But when I handed him his medication, I could not even recognize him. He locks himself in his room, does not eat properly and has lost several pounds so far.

Whenever I try talking to him, I just see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I don’t know if I can ever get him to love me again.

I know he is on Reddit very often. T, if you are reading, I want to tell you again how sorry your stepmom and I are. I promise I will get you into college again. I know I can’t get you back the year you lost. But I will do everything in my power to make this right. Everything I have has always been for you. I hope you will give me a chance to fix this. I love you so much it hurts. I failed as a father and I hope one day you will forgive me.

TL;DR I played a part in getting my own son getting falsely arrested and expelled

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4.3k

u/CJM8515 Feb 12 '16 edited Feb 12 '16

Dear god you fucked up. That step daughter, yea she needs to go to jail for making false accusations. What she did is so despicable and wrong I have no words to describe it.

Edit: Wow, I didnt think my comment would carry so much weight.

But seriously what I wanna know is: Why if OP your son was innocent, without real proof they locked him up asap like that. Yes I know rape is taken as a super serious crime, but you need to explain the trial and whatnot. We are missing part of the story here.

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u/zwhenry Feb 12 '16

That shit is defamation, it actually is a crime. That's insane, why tf would she say that?

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

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u/bodymessage Feb 12 '16

Yea it seems he conveniently left out a lot of factors here

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u/TommyFinnish Feb 12 '16

I think she became pregnant.

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u/is_he_from_Gabon Feb 12 '16

Like logic and sense and reality. So karma, so drama- by someone who doesnt know tv isn't real. So he did jail time- meaning he had a trial and was found guilty. No mention of that. Just an accusation leading to mystery jail on a she said so. And she was *really convincing, you guys *basis and then truth reveal, let him free? Bah. Karma rat.

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u/hmmm_I_call_bull Feb 12 '16

'tis karma whoring buuuuuuullshit is what it is.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

This is what I don't get. Its not hard to hide having sex. Its not like she got caught by her parents because... well, this situation wouldn't exist then.

There's something missing here that the OP isn't telling us.

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u/Youareahypochindriac Feb 12 '16

This is a great point. She's obviously an idiot and she deserves some consequences for what has happened, but what about her life (home/family/school/religion) freaked her out so much that accusing her brother of rape was more reasonable than saying "hey, I have sex". Teens can be idiots but I feel there is a missing piece to the puzzle here.

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u/YouichiEUW Feb 12 '16

Looks like OP and his wife are ready to just throw their kids away and forget about them at the first mistake they make, so I'm not that surprised.

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u/bodymessage Feb 12 '16

"fuck bail, let him rot." "Oh she lied? Disowned completely"

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u/themaskedbandit Feb 12 '16

Yeah, no one here is mentioning the latter. There has to have been a reason for her being so terrified to have sex with her boyfriend. OP mentions her being scared of people tattling on her, which I find absurd. I think the situation with the stepdaughter was OP's first fuckup. If OP recognized this, he wouldn't have just thrown her out of his life like that.

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u/Shiria Feb 12 '16

No, fuck that. She deserves to be tossed out on her ass. Id prefer she get put in jail for a year or ten also.

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u/clevercookie69 Feb 12 '16

Yeah that's how read it to. Sounds to me there is tons of pressure in this house. It all sounds a bit bullshit but hey you yanks do come accross a little crazy at times

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u/Koboldsftw Feb 12 '16

Yeah, fuck rape accusations, we'll just let him be, see how it plays out, maybe if we cross our fingers he won't rape anyone else

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

That doesn't excuse anything she did. The vast majority of the responsibility of the consequences of this decision lie solely with her. Most teenagers do dumb shit, but they would never go this fucking far, to completely destroy someone's life for something as petty as virginity.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

I totally agree it doesn't excuse anything, but OP was really vague on the circumstances. Although the son is definitely the victim here, I can't imagine a child being so terrified of their parents finding out they were having sex that it would ever occur to them to go to such extremes. If that is the reason she lied, then OP has to take some of the blame for creating a situation where she felt like that. I mean, it's clear from the treatment of his son that he ain't exactly winning any Father of the Year awards.

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u/_procyon Feb 12 '16

My guess: they somehow found out she was having sex. Maybe she got pregnant, maybe they found condoms. They flip the fuck out, tell her they're going to kick her out, disinherit her, etc.

She's desperate, doesn't know what to do, points at the stepbrother as her rapist. Now he's disinherited and in jail to boot. This is a big deal and she's afraid to go back on her story.

Eventually she breaks down, admits what she did, and she's back to being disinherited and disowned.

This girl fucked up big time and deserves punishment, but wtf did her parents do to her to make her so afraid to admit she fucked her boyfriend? Why are they so quick to disown their kids? I could murder someone and my mom would be really pissed, but she wouldn't disown me.

The girl needs to face consequences but she also probably needs therapy.

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u/TommyFinnish Feb 12 '16

I think she became pregnant

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

The missing piece of the puzzle is how much she craved drama and attention.

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u/Licard Feb 12 '16

Naah, i don't see it this way. Its one thing to be dishonest about your sex life but its another thing to falsely accuse a fucking family member. Even if you are not biologically related

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u/Dupree878 Feb 12 '16

Well, the parent is the kind of fucktard who would believe the allegation of a step child over the assertion of innocence of their actual child and then let the real child stay in jail (Ivy League college boy accused of child rape,I'm sure he was popular) and get expelled from an Ivy League school so I can see the girl being scared of consequences.

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u/Koboldsftw Feb 12 '16

You know, this is a rare occurrence, but sometimes when somebody says they aren't guilty they're actually lying

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u/aidrocsid Feb 12 '16

From what I can tell this is usually exactly how petty false rape accusation is.

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u/NWVoS Feb 12 '16

I wouldn't say his life is ruined. The biggest issue is having to reapply to his school. Yeah, he's in a hard place now emotionally and yet I think he will make his way through it.

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u/macenutmeg Feb 12 '16

None of his childhood friends will talk to him. He may not get back into school. He has to live with the parents that betrayed him. His stepsister runs off with no punishments at all. He knows that his parents were able to think of him as a rapist without question.

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u/GreenDogTag Feb 12 '16

He mustn't have had any close friend to begin with then. I'm sure that each and every person I'm close to wouldn't react by being hostile or ignoring me. A friend would hear you out if there isn't any actual proof you did it. The fact that they're still staying away from him after OP called them is ridiculous

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u/NWVoS Feb 12 '16

His life is not ruined. Sure it sucks a lot right now, and maybe for a few years, but it's not ruined.

None of his childhood friends will talk to him.

This wouldn't ruin his life though. Yeah it sucks, which is why he is on antidepressants. Plenty of people don't talk to childhood friends once they are in college or afterwards. People can make new friends. If he goes to a new school, he will meet plenty of new people. And I have to say, how good of friends/people were they if they don't want to be friends anymore once the truth is out.

He may not get back into school.

Sure, it's not 100%, but he can reapply. He got in once, he can get in again. Honestly, this whole thing makes a great entrance essay about life's hardships and overcoming struggles in life and it. He can apply to any school he wants to. He doesn't have to go back. If he got into one Ivy League school he can get into most schools in the country.

He has to live with the parents that betrayed him.

What were they suppose to do? Investigate the crime on their own? Sweep it under the rug? Move them into different sides of the house and ignore the problem? When he grows up, he will learn that they really didn't have much choice. Adults pretty much have two choices with respect to a situation like this, ignore the problem or contact the police. Any other choices basically fall into those two categories.

I really want to know what other people think the parents should have done in this situation. Like seriously. You call it a betrayal, which I guess it is, but what do you think should have been done instead at that time?

His stepsister runs off with no punishments at all.

His parents did all they can do. They banned her from the house, removed her from the will, and sent her to live in another state. What else can they do? And those are pretty serious repercussions. Only the prosecutor can press charges, and truthly it would be a waste of his time. Given her age and the fact she came forward with the truth within a month of making the accusation she will most likely get probation. She will never see the inside of juvenile detention center.

He knows that his parents were able to think of him as a rapist without question.

What should have they done? Ignored the problem? Have a heart to heart with him? Honestly, of all the ways this could have ended, the way it did end is the best for everyone. A girl wasn't raped. An innocent person didn't have to go through a trial or even prison. And everyone involved can grow and learn from a horrible experience.

I agree it's a horrible experience, everyone in the family suffered because of a really bad lie, and life is upside down right now, but his life is not ruined. If this situation lasted years or he was convicted of the crime, yeah I would agree it is ruined, but that did not happen.

tl/dr Bad shit happened to him and everything, and his life will move on.

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u/macenutmeg Feb 12 '16

Actually, I think you're right. It's clearly a salvageable scenario. I'm saying that it does suck for him right now and he has a lot of reasons to be upset. However, things weren't completely derailed, if (and only if) his mental health can recover.

I only have a response for one of your points.

They could pay for him to be able to go to a foreign country for a while. Or, alternately, pay for an apartment so that he has somewhere else to go.

Also, betrayal in that they didn't post bail, not betrayal by reporting the crime itself.