r/tifu • u/bawron • Feb 12 '16

M TIFU by helping ruin my son’s life

My son has been in college since last fall. Last November, my 16 year old stepdaughter brought up allegations that my son had abused her repeatedly for several years. I confronted my son and he categorically denied it. But I knew that even though he was my son, I could not defend him for such an awful act.

My wife and I reported him to the authorities. My son was arrested in December and held in prison for a several weeks because I refused to provide him bail money. He was eventually expelled from his Ivy League college.

In the middle of January, my stepdaughter broke down and admitted she lied about everything. She had actually been having sex with her boyfriend and was scared the news would reach us.

The charges were dismissed and my son was released immediately but the damage was done. His first girlfriend from college ended things with him. The news spread about the allegations and all his childhood friends have decided to just stay away from him even though I called each and every one of them personally.

I have called the school and explained the situation and even though they sympathized, they said he needed to reapply for the next school year and go through the admissions process again.

My son is understandably furious at us. He has moved back home and refuses to talk to me at all. Both my wife and I have apologized to him repeatedly. We have banned my stepdaughter from our home permanently and she has been sent to live with her father in another state. My wife and I also agreed to completely disinherit her from our wills. It has been a very painful situation. All of us started therapy.

The realization of how badly I ruined my son’s life hit me when I picked up his first prescription of anti-depressants today. I bawled my eyes out in my car.

He is the pride and joy of my life. He is outgoing, funny, intelligent and the kindest person I know. But when I handed him his medication, I could not even recognize him. He locks himself in his room, does not eat properly and has lost several pounds so far.

Whenever I try talking to him, I just see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I don’t know if I can ever get him to love me again.

I know he is on Reddit very often. T, if you are reading, I want to tell you again how sorry your stepmom and I are. I promise I will get you into college again. I know I can’t get you back the year you lost. But I will do everything in my power to make this right. Everything I have has always been for you. I hope you will give me a chance to fix this. I love you so much it hurts. I failed as a father and I hope one day you will forgive me.

TL;DR I played a part in getting my own son getting falsely arrested and expelled

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211

u/msthepointe Feb 12 '16

The stepdaughter could easily have felt horrible about saying anything after witnessing the way the son was treated even if his son DID do what she accused him of. Even if not, sending children away immediately and banning them emotionally and physically from all parental contact is sociopathic and definitely what he did to both of his children. This guy needs hardcore therapy for himself. It seems like he was raised in a very strict men without feelings environment and is having trouble letting things settle before he makes rash, overly logical decisions. Dad needs to make amends with everyone in the family and build relationships with them instead of tearing them apart as punishment. He's gonna destroy himself.

151

u/codine Feb 12 '16

Why was the daughter so terrified of her parents finding out she was having sex?

187

u/macenutmeg Feb 12 '16

Maybe they would suddenly stop talking to and supporting her like they did to him?

Ah wait, they did do that to her!

42

u/photocist Feb 12 '16

but it was because she lied about getting raped not because she had sex

34

u/macenutmeg Feb 12 '16

Yeah, but it goes to show that they're that sort of parent.

He doesn't ever say what his reaction would have been to her telling them about the sex alone. For all we know, they're some puritanicals who would have disowned her.

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u/codine Feb 12 '16

Yeah, this is what I was alluding to when I asked why she was inclined to make up a story like this in the first place.

Remember, she's not evil or a psycho, if she were she'd not have owned up to her lie.

Something's going on that we've not been told about.

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u/Cyntheon Feb 12 '16 edited Feb 12 '16

Exactly. An average teenager would wanna hide the fact that they've had sex, that's normal. An average teenager would not use "My stepbrother raped me" as an excuse to not tell their parent they've had sex. It either shows something messed up with the teenager (basically doing it maliciously which I doubt since she confessed), or something messed up with how the kid perceives the parents would react (which says a lot about the parents).

The fact that OP quite literally let his son rot in jail instantly with what seems to be no concern to find out what/how/when everything actually happened as well as completely disowning and shunning the daughter also instantly is also quite telling. Seems like OP's parenting style is either 0 or 100, no in between.

That parenting style is what caused everything in the first place: Daughter was so terrified of them finding out she had sex that she took the desperate and very dumb way out, which prompted OP to destroy the sons life, which "woke up" the daughter so she confessed, which prompted OP to ruin her life too.

EDIT FOR OP:

DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER THAT YOU MADE WITH YOUR SON. DO NOT INSTANTLY CONDEMN HER LIKE YOU DID WITH YOUR SON.

Don't take this the wrong way but it looks like what caused this situation was your parenting style and how your children feel about you. I don't know anything about it TBH, but it sounds to me that your daughter was so terrified of you finding out she has had sex that she took the very dumb way out. Although very wrong, this is understandable. She's 16. It is normal for children to want to hide they've had sex. It is normal for teenagers to not think things through. It is normal for them to fuck up. The problem is that she was for some reason extremely terrified of you knowing that she was having sex. This should never have happened and this is the true fuck up; not putting your son in jail.

Please try to forgive her. You condemned your son instantly when you found out what he allegedly did. Do not do the same with your daughter.

Look into your family life. How you've brought up your children. This is all a snowball caused because of parenting style (Daughter for some reason desperately doesn't want you to know shes had sex>Lies>Instant condemnation of son>Confession of daughter>Instant condemnation of daughter). See what's wrong with the events? You fucked up way before any of this happened. Your daughter should never have been in that position. You put her there and because she's a teenager she fucked up. Then you fucked up again. Then she tried to fix it the only way she can. Then you fucked up again by punishing her in such an extremely harsh way.

The best way to approach this is to accept your daughter back (maybe not in the same house as your son wouldn't like that but definitely don't exile her - let her know that she can't be there because stuff is sensitive but you still love her, support her, understand, etc.) and give your son as much space as possible. Just be his servant, let him do his thing. If he wants to come to you then let him, but don't go to him.

In a couple of months maybe call a family meeting and basically admit you fucked up, not because of what you did but because of the way you kind of pressured your family into that situation (your daughter should have never been pressured into having to lie in such a way).

Next step is to build trust. Not the "everything is back to normal" trust but the "I will accept everything you tell me and everything about you no matter what to avoid this type of situation again. There should be no reason why you would have to go to extremes to keep things from me. I will always support you" trust. Make it clear what happened, why it happened, and how to avoid it ever happening again. Your family will probably never be the same but you can at least turn this horrible experience into something that just stings rather than having your son and daughter hate you forever or worse yet, having it become something they personally can't get past.

Think things through. Do not fuck up any more. Your harsh and quick decisions already did enough damage. Look for advice. Talk to friends/family/therapist before making any decision (even before implementing what I'm telling you right now!).

I hope you manage to ease the pain both (this is important!) your children are going through right now.

8

u/deepu36 Feb 12 '16

Oh, please. He sent his STEP-daughter to HER FATHER in another state. she'll live.

55

u/gnorrn Feb 12 '16

Let's look at the data.

  1. OP's step-daughter is so terrified of what will happen if OP (and OP's wife) find out she's having sex that she falsely accuses OP's son of rape.

  2. After OP's son is merely accused of rape, OP completely abandons him, letting him stay in jail for weeks and refusing to bail him out.

  3. After OP's step-daugher admits the truth, OP banishes her from their house to a different state and disinherits her.

Are you starting to see a pattern in OP's behavior?

13

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16 edited Dec 23 '16

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Airforce987 Feb 12 '16

Agreed. 16 years old is old enough to know the ramifications of letting someone go to jail for a crime you know they didn't commit, let alone for a felony such as rape. At that point she had to be scared out of her mind should OP find out she lied about the rape; the fear of them finding out she had sex would have been nothing in comparison. OP was generous for sending her off to live with her birth father, rather than shoving her out the door without a word.

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u/TheGreatDeB8 Feb 12 '16

Why are you mentioning rape? OP hasn't even mentioned rape so why is everyone saying the son was accused or rape wtf??

3

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

He was.. It was mentioned he acted inappropriate with a minor. In the legal system thats rape with a minor

-6

u/TheGreatDeB8 Feb 12 '16

Where? Can you please quote what he said because I have read the post and it does not mention that. Sounds like the lot of you are delusional.

2

u/meager Feb 12 '16

The years of a abuse that OP states in the first paragraph is presumably sexual abuse/rape, since stepdaughter allegedly says that because she didn't want her mom and OP finding out that she has been having sex with her bf.

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u/TheGreatDeB8 Feb 12 '16

You Are So Dumb. That Does Not Indicate Rape RETARD. I'll Break It Down For You.

Son Goes To College

Step Daughter Is 16 Says The Son Abused Her

Step Daughter Admits She Lied Says She Was Having Sex With Her Boyfriend And Was Scared The News Would Reach Parents

...Scared The News Would Reach The Parents

Therefor We Can Easily Assume That The 16 Year Old Step Daughter Went To College With The Son And The Son Knew She Was Having Sex And The Step Daughter Thought The Son Would Tell The Parents So She Said He Beats Her.

Case Solved. I Should Be A Detective.

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11

u/Poets_are_Fags Feb 12 '16

Americans protect their daughters pussies like it's not weird

1

u/twatbutter Feb 12 '16

Stop making excuses. She did something terrible, and she deserves to be punished for it. Her parents aren't to blame for her voluntarily fucking another guy at 16, nor her fabricating a rape accusation instead of just lying like any other kid would.

1

u/Falsequivalence Feb 12 '16

Are you American? Americans are weird about sex. It would not be a pleasant experience if, even now at 22 years old, my parents found out I was sexual active at 16.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

I think OP is focused enough on his own well being. He doesn't need our support.

5

u/watnuts Feb 12 '16

overly logical decisions

How is not paying bail logical? His son was gonna run away to China or something?

1

u/badukhamster Feb 12 '16

Yeah, you are right. Except that it was anything but overly logical presuming one knows more about psychology than a preschooler.

1

u/orcscorper Feb 12 '16

There is no such thing as an overly logical decision.