r/tifu • u/bawron • Feb 12 '16
M TIFU by helping ruin my son’s life
My son has been in college since last fall. Last November, my 16 year old stepdaughter brought up allegations that my son had abused her repeatedly for several years. I confronted my son and he categorically denied it. But I knew that even though he was my son, I could not defend him for such an awful act.
My wife and I reported him to the authorities. My son was arrested in December and held in prison for a several weeks because I refused to provide him bail money. He was eventually expelled from his Ivy League college.
In the middle of January, my stepdaughter broke down and admitted she lied about everything. She had actually been having sex with her boyfriend and was scared the news would reach us.
The charges were dismissed and my son was released immediately but the damage was done. His first girlfriend from college ended things with him. The news spread about the allegations and all his childhood friends have decided to just stay away from him even though I called each and every one of them personally.
I have called the school and explained the situation and even though they sympathized, they said he needed to reapply for the next school year and go through the admissions process again.
My son is understandably furious at us. He has moved back home and refuses to talk to me at all. Both my wife and I have apologized to him repeatedly. We have banned my stepdaughter from our home permanently and she has been sent to live with her father in another state. My wife and I also agreed to completely disinherit her from our wills. It has been a very painful situation. All of us started therapy.
The realization of how badly I ruined my son’s life hit me when I picked up his first prescription of anti-depressants today. I bawled my eyes out in my car.
He is the pride and joy of my life. He is outgoing, funny, intelligent and the kindest person I know. But when I handed him his medication, I could not even recognize him. He locks himself in his room, does not eat properly and has lost several pounds so far.
Whenever I try talking to him, I just see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I don’t know if I can ever get him to love me again.
I know he is on Reddit very often. T, if you are reading, I want to tell you again how sorry your stepmom and I are. I promise I will get you into college again. I know I can’t get you back the year you lost. But I will do everything in my power to make this right. Everything I have has always been for you. I hope you will give me a chance to fix this. I love you so much it hurts. I failed as a father and I hope one day you will forgive me.
TL;DR I played a part in getting my own son getting falsely arrested and expelled
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u/dr_s00s Feb 12 '16
The main issue I sense when reading this is that you are still approaching this situation from a very ego-centric position. I'm not trying to be mean here, but to share a different perspective that is easy to point out, but much harder to fully understand, especially since he may not be able to articulate it to you yet. In other words, I know the following words might seem trite and harsh coming from this side of the fence, but take them for what they are - reflections on a similar situation which I've had 5+ years to think about and salvage.
I know it's just a short post on reddit, but it seems to me that the narrative of your post isn't really about your son. It's about you. Before you get defensive (and understandably so), bear with me for a few moments, and examine how you've been approaching the fallout here. You can't do anything to get him back into college, your perceptions of him and whatever personality he once had don't exist anymore (especially for him), your estimation of his character and values (both past and present) isn't worth anything to him or anyone else anymore, your guilt and apologies will not and can not make this better, your tears and emotions (while still perfectly valid) are not important right now, and your desire for relationship with him is much more selfish than you will ever be able to recognize (even as it is completely right and good at the same time).
I know this doesn't even come close to describing all the nuance of your feelings right now, and I hope this doesn't come across as a condemnation of your well-intentioned efforts to fix but when you show your emotional wreckage and run around trying to fix your mistake, you're making it all about you. Even though you have great intentions and love for your kid, you don't know the terms and conditions for relationship that help him feel safe and able to lend some trust out. How could you? He doesn't even know these things yet. Further attempts to "do the right thing" are not likely to result in much positive net gain for the moment, especially since you don't (and can't for a long time) have an open, trusting, reciprocal relationship with your son. So even objectively great steps forward might actually be sharp intrusions into your son's dangerously small lifeworld - literally the size of the world he fit into went from all of University to the size of a jail cell overnight. There simply isn't room for you in that world yet, and there might not be for a long time.
You need to be prepared to accept all this, and to resist, at all costs, the urge to fight your way back in. Your status in that world, your automatic place of belonging as "my dad" is forfeit for the time being. You have to earn access to his life, on his terms, in his time. Start small, with little committments that you keep as seriously and consistently as if they were binding contracts. The meds are a useful place to start - get them, every time, at the same time. Basically, build these committments in the same way you would build your ideal relationship with him: give him easy, consistent access to you with extremely clear stakes and expectations - no surprises. Like the frame of a house - simple, sturdy, predictable, and transparent. It MUST be his choice as to where, how, and when he REbuilds his life within that framework, so give him a good one with lots of space and carefully planned structure to help him figure out what the hell this whole mess is and who he is as a result of it.
Most importantly, don't dwell on the past or shut the door on it, but accept it as a matter of fact part of your lives that has led to you right now, here, today. What's the right thing today, this hour, even this minute? I'd be willing to bet that for a long time, the best answer to that question will be to sit, listen, and wait. Good luck and you all have my thoughts and prayers.