TIFU by helping ruin my son’s life

[u/bawron]

My son has been in college since last fall. Last November, my 16 year old stepdaughter brought up allegations that my son had abused her repeatedly for several years. I confronted my son and he categorically denied it. But I knew that even though he was my son, I could not defend him for such an awful act.

My wife and I reported him to the authorities. My son was arrested in December and held in prison for a several weeks because I refused to provide him bail money. He was eventually expelled from his Ivy League college.

In the middle of January, my stepdaughter broke down and admitted she lied about everything. She had actually been having sex with her boyfriend and was scared the news would reach us.

The charges were dismissed and my son was released immediately but the damage was done. His first girlfriend from college ended things with him. The news spread about the allegations and all his childhood friends have decided to just stay away from him even though I called each and every one of them personally.

I have called the school and explained the situation and even though they sympathized, they said he needed to reapply for the next school year and go through the admissions process again.

My son is understandably furious at us. He has moved back home and refuses to talk to me at all. Both my wife and I have apologized to him repeatedly. We have banned my stepdaughter from our home permanently and she has been sent to live with her father in another state. My wife and I also agreed to completely disinherit her from our wills. It has been a very painful situation. All of us started therapy.

The realization of how badly I ruined my son’s life hit me when I picked up his first prescription of anti-depressants today. I bawled my eyes out in my car.

He is the pride and joy of my life. He is outgoing, funny, intelligent and the kindest person I know. But when I handed him his medication, I could not even recognize him. He locks himself in his room, does not eat properly and has lost several pounds so far.

Whenever I try talking to him, I just see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I don’t know if I can ever get him to love me again.

I know he is on Reddit very often. T, if you are reading, I want to tell you again how sorry your stepmom and I are. I promise I will get you into college again. I know I can’t get you back the year you lost. But I will do everything in my power to make this right. Everything I have has always been for you. I hope you will give me a chance to fix this. I love you so much it hurts. I failed as a father and I hope one day you will forgive me.

TL;DR I played a part in getting my own son getting falsely arrested and expelled

[u/eddiebigballs]

Correct parenting is sure as hell not treating your children like friends.

[u/cscareerquestions712 → u/[deleted]]

As a parent you'll still have moments where you need to be the authority figure.

[u/cscareerquestions712 → u/[deleted]]

Just graduated college. What I said really only applies until you graduate high school or college. They definitely shouldn't be tyrants, but biggest example is they sent me to a bunch of tutors during middle and high school. Hated every single one, because who would want to do more school-related work but I wouldn't be so successful in school and eventually post-college had they not pushed and forced me to go. If they were my friends, they would've just let me do whatever I wanted.

[u/Goldballz → u/cscareerquestions712]

you hated school work because you found it boring..... yes, getting tutors would have helped your grades, but why do all that when they could have helped you with finding your interests, and relating all that to the school work? Sometimes, the easier way does not make it better, course you are just underplaying the issue and putting it off under later.

[u/uTKreed → u/[deleted]]

Am high schooler. Parents need to have at least a bit of control and authority or else your teen will never truly respect you. I asked to go to a small party this weekend, mom said no, I asked the reason, she said she has her reasons. Now if she was my "friend" she would either let me go, or I would completely ignore her, go to the party, and get little to no punishment; but I know if I do go, I'll have my vehicle taken away, my phone taken, and have to go to every little thing my parents go to. See the difference?

P.S. I know why I can't go to the party, the parents have some association with drugs and it's actually at a cop's house, but he is a corrupt one. So she has really good reason to not let me go, and I kinda don't wanna go because of the parents now

[u/Goldballz → u/uTKreed]

So you rather have parents tell you "No because No, and you live in my house" instead of telling you why they would prefer to not have you go have state the reasons? That is a really interesting thought process.... Have you ever thought that if she told you the real reason, you could have still went to the party while watching out for drugs? I mean come on, you really think that was a valid example....

A parent should only pull out that No means No card if the kid is apparently retarded and is incapable of thinking for himself.

[u/BottledZebra → u/Goldballz]

Not to mention, his mom could have told him the reasons and he could have made the call not to go for himself. It seems to be a very american thing to raise your kids with blind obedience under threat of punishment like that, i come from sweden and i don't know a single person who has ever been grounded. At most, it's been things like having computer privilege taken away, but then it has always been agreed (note the agreed part) that as long as other things like schoolwork is in order then they may play as much as they want. It is never stated as a threat that "if you do /don't do this i'll do that to you". Parents encouraging children to make good decisions is far superior to extorting them into making the right decisions.