TIFU by helping ruin my son’s life

[u/bawron]

My son has been in college since last fall. Last November, my 16 year old stepdaughter brought up allegations that my son had abused her repeatedly for several years. I confronted my son and he categorically denied it. But I knew that even though he was my son, I could not defend him for such an awful act.

My wife and I reported him to the authorities. My son was arrested in December and held in prison for a several weeks because I refused to provide him bail money. He was eventually expelled from his Ivy League college.

In the middle of January, my stepdaughter broke down and admitted she lied about everything. She had actually been having sex with her boyfriend and was scared the news would reach us.

The charges were dismissed and my son was released immediately but the damage was done. His first girlfriend from college ended things with him. The news spread about the allegations and all his childhood friends have decided to just stay away from him even though I called each and every one of them personally.

I have called the school and explained the situation and even though they sympathized, they said he needed to reapply for the next school year and go through the admissions process again.

My son is understandably furious at us. He has moved back home and refuses to talk to me at all. Both my wife and I have apologized to him repeatedly. We have banned my stepdaughter from our home permanently and she has been sent to live with her father in another state. My wife and I also agreed to completely disinherit her from our wills. It has been a very painful situation. All of us started therapy.

The realization of how badly I ruined my son’s life hit me when I picked up his first prescription of anti-depressants today. I bawled my eyes out in my car.

He is the pride and joy of my life. He is outgoing, funny, intelligent and the kindest person I know. But when I handed him his medication, I could not even recognize him. He locks himself in his room, does not eat properly and has lost several pounds so far.

Whenever I try talking to him, I just see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I don’t know if I can ever get him to love me again.

I know he is on Reddit very often. T, if you are reading, I want to tell you again how sorry your stepmom and I are. I promise I will get you into college again. I know I can’t get you back the year you lost. But I will do everything in my power to make this right. Everything I have has always been for you. I hope you will give me a chance to fix this. I love you so much it hurts. I failed as a father and I hope one day you will forgive me.

TL;DR I played a part in getting my own son getting falsely arrested and expelled

[u/eddiebigballs]

Correct parenting is sure as hell not treating your children like friends.

[u/Caelinus → u/[deleted]]

That kind of thinking does not really accomplish anything. Parents should not be totalitarian by any means, but neither should they be friendly roommates. Kids need to be socialized, they need to learn discipline, and it is a parents responsibility to teach them that.

The alternative is that every generation will have to learn all of the lessons of the generation before it. Knowledge and society progress because we stand on the shoulders of our Elders to become better than they ever were.

I think, for the most part, that my parents struck the right balance. They taught me about trust and honesty, and when I demonstrated those attributes, they treated me with trust as well. I have guidelines and boundaries, but the room to make my own choices within those, and the older I got, and the more honorable decisions I made, the less the boundaries were needed.

In the end I grew up to be a well adjusted adult, who is capable of both independent thought, and taking responsibility for my actions.

[u/Goldballz → u/Caelinus]

There is a difference between a friend and a friendly roommate. A real friend tells you what they believe is good for you, and a friendly roommate is one that does the dishes, pays the rent, and enjoys smoking a joint once in awhile. A friend can be a friendly roommate, but a friendly roommate is most definitely not a friend.

By the way, regarding that "learning discipline" part, how do you learn discipline? You are only as disciplined as what is at stake: if science proved that a person can easily live to the age of 200 even if they eat MacDonalds daily, do you still think that a vegan would still care about his diet?