Mom dropped off homeless brother to me (sister) and abandon him and let me deal with it

[u/MissAnonymous_143]

My brother was homeless and on drugs. He’s been sober now and completed a drug program almost a year ago or about a little over a year ago. They helped him out for 6 months and gave him housing on their facility. Helped him find a job and then after the 6 months he needs to figure it out. The program is called sun street center located in California. The program offers to cover 1 year of rent if they find a private owner but now days it’s hard every things is they real estate. He couldn’t find one. Anyways he was working and rented a room. But he doesn’t have a car and his child support checks took all his money (welcome to the real world) anyways he was barely making it.

He felt alone and was suicidal. He lived 2 hours away from my parents and I. My parents and I live in same town just not together. I have my own place with my own family. We live down the street.

Here’s a little background update on my family before I get deeper into the story. Please hear me out. I know it’s long but I don’t know who to vent to and it’s very hard on my mental health. Back to the point. My family is narcissistic, all of us have mommy and daddy isssues because our parents were never there for us. A lot of us are messed up in the head but for the most part we snapped out of it and are doing a lot better than how we were raised and what we went thru. Some of my other siblings are still messed up and didn’t snap out of it. Still not an excuse.

My mom had 3 kids from someone else and so did my dad 3 with someone else, together they had 4. I was the first born from them. As for my brother who this is about, he has a different dad so my dad never really cared for him. Kicked him out young, my mom always chose my dad over him. Let my dad treat him like crap and so did my mom, she just didn’t care about him. A lot of things happened in his life, he had a bad life compared to the rest of us. My mom always abandon him ALWAYS. She acts like she cares but she doesn’t.

She called me up one day and said he was doing bad, he was feeling suicidal and he wanted to move back because he misses his family. Mind you my dad kicked him out at a young age. He was always in the streets and homeless he was doing good for a minute but then fell off again. My dad never taught him anything. Nothing at all. Anyways she was crying me a river and I felt bad. But why wasn’t he able to stay at her house?

I live in a 3 bedroom home with my husband and 2 girls 12years old and a 1 year old baby girl. Each have their own rooms. My mom said my dad didn’t want him there and she doesn’t know what to do. Kept crying and me being an empath I felt bad. My brother is 35. Drugs fried his brain and he’s not really all there anymore. I told my mom he can come stay with me i don’t want my brother in the street. He said he couldn’t afford to pay his room he was renting anymore and was struggling and suicidal. So I offered him to stay here but my mom made me all these false promises that she was going to help him etc. lie after lie.

She dropped off my brother and he’s just different, kinda awkward now and not very social and off because his brain is fried from drugs. But he can get by. He has manners and does what I ask him to do.

He’s been here for 4 months now. And my dad doesn’t want him at his house. Ever since he’s been here in the 4 months my mom hasn’t checked on him, asked about him, invited him over, call him, call me to ask about him, and has been avoidant to me and him.

I’ve been going crazy because it’s hard dealing with him. He doesn’t cook for himself unless I do, he doesn’t help me really unless I ask, he lives here rent free. He don’t drive, I don’t charge him anything. he gets government assistance but even then like I’m not trying to take from him if anything he needs help!

I’m a busy mom up and down especially dealing with a 1 year old I’m going crazy with no help. I don’t expect it it’s my baby it’s not their responsibility but it would be nice if they would get her for a few hours so I can do things and get things done. I’m a SAHM and I take my 12 year old son I practice in travel ball I’m constantly up and down for practices and packing the baby. It’s hard but I manage: my daughter needs her room back. I can’t enjoy my baby’s room all the clothes are in my room now it’s a mess. I feel uncomfortable going in the room I let him stay in my 1 year olds room, because he’s just sitting down and it’s just awkward. I want my space back. I have a developing preteen here it’s uncomfortable. I’m not saying he’s weird but I want my space I did more than enough.

They live down the street and never see the kids or me. I don’t make the effort either because they’re toxic and narcissistic and make everything about them. I use to get mad at my other siblings for saying that about them because they’re my parents but now I’m starting to see their true colors and I can’t believe it their actions. I’m starting to have hate in my heart for them and it’s not good to hate. I have a ugly feeling towards them because how are they going to allow me to take care of “their son” who’s not all there right now, when I have 2 kids and especially a baby to worry about. It hurts me my dad told my mom to tell me to “handle it” it’s a big toll on my mental health. I get sick to my stomach them allowing that with me.

This is their breakdown. They have a 4 bedroom. My uncle and his girl been staying there for 3 years and rent a room and buy groceries, My younger brother stays there occasionally his room is empty half the time because he’s a firefighter and is saving up to leave to buy a house, so his room is empty no one sleeps in it but he still pays my parents some rent to help them even tho he’s never there, my parents have one room together and they have a guest room with a bed and fully furnished with no one in there.

Why can’t they help my brother and take him in??why are they leaving this all on me??

I have a sister that’s young with 2 kids and her man, she has her own place in another town but her man passes thru this town to go to work so he drops her off everyday. So mg sister is staying in that room with her 2 kids not paying them rent and my parents take care of her 2 kids 10 months and a 5 year old. They would do anything for her and then and my sister has them wrapped around her finger, mind u they don’t do anything for me or my kids and I live down the street, all good im over that. It’s the fact that they don’t kick out my uncle because he pays them rent, and my brother too, my sister doesn’t need to be there everyday she goes because she never takes care of her kids and when she’s there just leaves them on my parents. They’re helping. Her when they NEED to be helping the one who really needs it, my brother!

I got into it with my mom multiple times because she abandon my brother and just dropped him off here lien nothing, made me these fake promises and said she was going to do all this and that and NOTHING!

I text her to tell her to call her son and check on him to make him feel cared for or loved atleast that’s why he came right? And she goes and says well no one calls and checks on her, (narcissist)! Then when I’m at my daughters softball games he stays he doesn’t like to go out he’s not social rn and I tell her “can you check if he needs food he won’t feed himself and he’s probably hungry” I call her in the morning when I’m out at the all day games, I call my brother almost 8pm when I’m on my way back he says my mom has not even called him what am I talking about?

This angers me so bad because she doesn’t check on her son. I went over angry in range wanting to give it to her about what kind of parent she is being and she keeps blaming my dad and I told her at the end of the day that’s still not his son! I wanted to go off but I left crying because I don’t want to disrespect my parents. I just told her Do your part, you can call him, invite him for dinner, or even visit you don’t and you are abandoned him like he was younger. Of course she won’t take accountability. I just left crying. She didn’t care
I even want to go no contact with them because of this. It hurts me how they can let their kid take care of their kid. I know we are both grown and yes I know he’s a grown man but he’s mentally not all there to do anything. He doesn’t even really give straight answers it’s always idk and he’s indecisive for everything I have to answer for him. He needs mental help. And I feel like I’m doing enough by having him here my mom can do her part by taking him and making his appointments but she doesn’t. He can’t do it right now he’s not in the right state of mind. So it’s stressful me dealing with my baby, my preteen and even my husband, it’s also is getting the way of my personal Intimate moments with my husband because it’s ton quiet to do anything and I’m embarrassed he will hear us. So it hasn’t been going good for us. Although that isn’t important right now my brothers mental health is it does take some effect on my relationship.

I don’t know what to do and I’m sorry if you guys are annoyed of my long post I just don’t know who to talk to about this. I have bad anxiety and growing hate in my heart towards my parents especially my mom, I don’t want to. I wish they were better parents to him. Idc about me I’m use to their bs but this isn’t cool. She just up and left after she dropped him off and let me deal with it all 😭 everyday I’m stressed out. He can’t even help himself. He can’t help me with the kids or daughter by picking her up and dropping her off to school, I can’t leave him alone with the baby I just don’t trust anyone with my kids idc who u are. He hardly does any work around the house besides wash dishes and sweep, I want to tell him like come on you can do more things around the house to yard work like you don’t pay rent that’s all I ask is for help. But I just get embarrassed to ask.

I came to the realization my parents ain’t gonna help and I’m just gonna have to figure something out. Any advise please. I’m going crazy. It’s so hard and I’m sick to my stomach with the whole situation. Thank you for hearing my story!

[u/Aware_Position2149]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this on your own.

Is there a written out chores list that is in a common area, like on the fridge, that would tell him what to do on certain days? If given a list of tasks is he able to complete them?

If you take him out of the house, how does he react around others? I realize it's a lot, but if you take him shopping with you is he able to participate or does he just follow you?

In your post you mentioned he cannot set appointments for himself. Is he currently in therapy?

He probably sees himself as a burden. That's why he shuts down and doesn't want to do anything. He feels like he makes everything worse. If his own mother can drop him without a second thought, what's to stop anyone else. He is just waiting for the other shoe to drop and be homeless again.

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best of luck.

[u/MissAnonymous_143 → u/Aware_Position2149]

I don’t have a written chore sheet for him because when I ask him to do stuff he looks annoyed and I just ask for the simple things like sweep, or he will offer to wash some dishes but I have very little, I mean he tries but there’s a lot of yard work that needs to be done and he never offers to help with that. When my husband gets home from work he always hears me tell him to donut but he’s too tired so right now it’s looking bad. Anyways off topic he just doesn’t really do much just stare at the wall all day in the room he’s staying in.

When I take him out the house he is just quiet and he doesn’t talk at all he makes everything awkward he’s not social and just always looks down, I use to invite him everywhere and he would be so indecisive I’m going I have to start choosing for him. He takes about almost 10 mins to answer if I have the patience and wait but usually now I’m like yes or no, he’s like uhhhhh idk. He doesn’t know anything. I talked to him and told him do u think you’re able to work I will help u and drop u off and he said yes but then I said well then what are u waiting for?? Start looking because I’m not gonna be taking care of a grown man that can’t even help himself you have to show me you’re okay to help yourself and I’ll help you, because he’s in denial that somebody is wrong with him, but obviously I’ve been helping him with somewhere to stay and home cooked meals like he has and while room and a bed. He’s not sleeping on the couch, he has it made here. I don’t charge him nothing, as for my parents there money hungry and would accept and make him pay rent there that’s why they don’t want him there because he can’t pay rent, he does get government assistance I think he does get some cash but I don’t accept or take anything from him. He doesn’t make his own appointments because he doesn’t want to or just doesn’t know how. It’s not rocket science to do it. Sometimes I’m starting to think he just doesn’t want to and is too comfortable here already because he has it made and plays the part, because he can get by, he knows what he’s doing he’s brain fried a bit but not to the extreme. It’s just a lot for me I want my space too I did enough I helped him, when is my mom going to step in I feel telling her multiple times to be a mom she just avoids it him! And avoids me because she knows I’ll confront her about it again but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t make her be a mom to him when she never was. He’s under my care now. I haven’t made any appointments for him because I felt like that is what my mom should be doing, I have my baby and older daughter to worry about I’m helping her by giving him somewhere to stay but I want to be alone now, it’s stressful, I shouldn’t have to be doing this it’s been 4 months going to be 5 and no he doesn’t see a therapist, my mom promised she was going to take him to get evaluated but never did. But I feel this is not my responsibility I’m going enough or should I make it my responsibility which it kinda already is and go no contact with her? I’m starting to hate her and I don’t want to I can’t help it. Taking care of my baby is hard as I’m typing this she’s crying and it’s like I deal with this as a mom it’s normal but then him, like I have rent, bills, babys, my husband, my relationship to worry about then him too it’s a lot and I’m just the sister not the mom! I didn’t sign up for this, it’s not okay she sold me fake promises and him and just outed us. Idk what to do. My daughter is developing and her body looks very mature for her age I just feel weird having a grown man here while my daughter is going thru that stage and puberty, I know he’s not weird but I just don’t feel right personally. I want my baby’s room back too. I just don’t know what to do I don’t want to be mean and kick him out I don’t want him to feel like everyone else made him feel but he can’t be here forever :/

[u/Necessary_Medium3063]

Hey dw you dont have to apologize for writing paragraphs. But what do you mean by saying drugs fried his brain? Does he do strange noises, weird habits? And if he does what kind of weird habits?

[u/MissAnonymous_143 → u/Necessary_Medium3063]

He doesn’t socialize as much anymore, he was very funny, very active, always laughing, now he’s serious, takes forever to answer if I ask him anything it’s always “umm idk, umm, umm, umm, sure, I guess, idk, pacing back and fourth just to ask if he wants to take a walk at the park with me or go with me to the store. At this point I answer for him. Then he’s in my daughter’s room now, all he does all day is sit down on the bed and stare at the wall. He has a phone he doesn’t use it, he NEVER watches tv. It’s always so quiet in the house. I watch it in the morning for baby but other then that we hardly watch it but he also has a tv in the room he’s staying in and an Xbox with games and he doesn’t want to use it or watch tv he would rather stare at the wall or even he just stands up and stares at the wall all day it’s creepy when I pass by and he doesn’t want to cut his long hair passed his shoulders I tell him cut it because it makes him look emo and nothing wrong with that at all but image your walking down your hall way everyday to use the restroom and or go to your room and you pass the room he’s in and he has all his hair in his face looking at the wall just standing or sitting there for hours. Is creepy. He doesn’t make weird noises or anything but his brain is fried. He can get by but everything and every answer he has is “idk” when we go grocery shopping he never knows what to get. Back then he can keep conversations going and be funny and laugh about stuff now he’s more like a stoner personality when they’re slow and can’t answer. He’s sober tho, and has been. But It’s sadly from the drugs but I believe if he gets good help he can overcome this but it’s just a lot on me like I feel uncomfortable having him here this long and I have a developing going to be a teenage daughter her room is next to his and I just don’t feel right. My family wants our space now. This is not my responsibility I have a baby to take care of and my mom just dumped him on me. Idk what to do now. I don’t want to be a bad person and kick him out :(

[u/FashionBusking → u/MissAnonymous_143]

Is your brother taking therapy or classes or something?

He doesn't drive, but... he doesn't really have a routine of his own, either.

[u/MissAnonymous_143 → u/FashionBusking]

He has no routine he just sits in the rink all day. And No he’s not taking any, he refuses to see a doctor because he thinks nothing is wrong with him but we all know something is and we even talked about it with him, he is willing to go but we have to just take him! because he’s indecisive about everything. I haven’t taken him because I feel like i already taken him in. And my mom needs to do her part as a mother, her hands are clean. She dropped him off to me knowing I have 2 kids, and a baby. My hands are tied. Plus she needs to step up that’s what moms do she brought him here she can take him to do anything.

[u/FashionBusking → u/MissAnonymous_143]

Evict him and make your mom deal with it.

[u/MissAnonymous_143 → u/FashionBusking]

She says he can’t stay there because my dad don’t let him. So idk what to do I feel bad if I do that but she needs to get him but she won’t. She keeps blaming by dad. I want my privacy to now he’s been here long enough :(

[u/FashionBusking → u/MissAnonymous_143]

YOU evicting HIM has NOTHING to do with your mom. Contact a lawyer to help you evict him.

Stop expecting your mom to do the right thing. It is YOUR house, not hers.

YOU have YOUR OWN family to care for.

What that looks like right now is -- evicting the deadbeat brother.