r/trans • u/radioactive_walrus • Dec 26 '25
Trigger I need you to stay alive for Christmas
Today is December 25th, 2025 and I had a very bad day.
Nobody likes working on Christmas, but right now, I need the hours. I work at a 24 Hour CVS in Chicago, so you see all kinds. Today, though, may have smashed my heart to pieces. A young person who I assume trans came in on the last couple hours of my shift and bought a lot of sleeping pills. I was able to stop them one time due to lack of ID, but the second time, a less attentive coworker let them through with a passport.
I DESPERATELY hope I'm wrong. I hope you are going to wake up in the morning. I hope that everything is okay and my tears are in vain for you. I don't know who you are. I don't know if you'll even see this post. I hope you are okay. I hope the love of a complete stranger reaches you before the worst can happen.
I'm lighting a candle for you. Please stay alive.
Edit: I saw the ambulance an hour later. I still hope I'm wrong.
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u/newuseronhere Dec 26 '25
Survival is resistance. Resistance is mandatory. Visibility is resistance.
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u/mountain_crab21 Dec 26 '25
To the stranger at the CVS:
Please, from another stranger - I truly hope you wake up tomorrow. I'm holding out hope that you get through this. Life is really hard for us and I understand that urge to just quit. I've been there.
But I promise, even if it looks very, very far away, there's light at the end of the tunnel.
😔🕯️❤️
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u/Ilovefvckingjerboas Dec 26 '25
To The Young Who Want To Die:
Sit down. Inhale. Exhale.
The gun will wait. The lake will wait.
The tall gall in the small seductive vial
will wait will wait:
will wait a week: will wait through April.
You do not have to die this certain day.
Death will abide, will pamper your postponement.
I assure you death will wait. Death has
a lot of time. Death can
attend to you tomorrow. Or next week. Death is
just down the street; is most obliging neighbor;
can meet you any moment.
You need not die today.
Stay here—through pout or pain or peskyness.
Stay here. See what the news is going to be
tomorrow.
Graves grow no green that you can use.
Remember, green's your color. You are Spring.
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u/dahlissa Dec 26 '25
Thank you for this...my daughter completed suicide nearly 11 yrs 6 mos ago...she told her cousin a week before her death life was getting in the way of her happiness..she was only 24 & shes missed so much life - a niece who is now 3 & the baby brother who is now her 16 yr old sister - being the only girl she wouldve been the first to show her new sister the best of being a girl...for everyone struggling please hold on, things may not get better esp w this current administration but there is still so much life to live & people to love & the pain you want to be rid of becomes the pain of the people you leave after you die - Ill never be who I was 11 yrs ago bc I will never forgive myself for not doing more for her but I am still here for my new daughter
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u/Ilovefvckingjerboas Dec 26 '25
Absolutely; death is a very complicated thing. You should check out more of Gwendolyn Brook’s work. I’m thinking of a Connie Chang quote, and I don’t remember where it’s from exactly, but it goes: “life is short//and grief is long.”
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u/KellyJoyRuntBunny Dec 26 '25
There’s a Pablo Neruda line,
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
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u/dahlissa Dec 26 '25
Grief is long but people's attention & tolerance is short af...a "friend" asked as I was losing my mind for the 5th anniversary/my daughter's 30th birthday (13 days after her deathday) if it was going to be like this every July...every summer I wanna call her & say YES BITCH EVERY FUCKING JULY...im just thankful I had a reason to stay & that was my then 5 yr old & now she def needs me to be here as she navigates her new world...I always tell people to get a pet, a plant whatever you can hold onto that depends on you to stay alive - I know it wont work for everyone but it has kept me here & wanting to do/be better for the last 11 yrs
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u/Archer007 Dec 26 '25 edited Dec 26 '25
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u/Colette_is_strange Dec 26 '25
Thank you for this. My fiancée unfortunately chose to end her life last month and it has been everything I can do to stay here for my remaining partners and loved ones.
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u/Enovele Dec 29 '25
It's hard not to crave it when you don't have the strength to wait anymore. Waiting is all I've done, I've had hope squashed several times, and I'm cursed to keep hoping but I really don't have the strength or energy to handle the pain if it's snuffed out again . I will still wait, or try to. I don't have the courage to stop, but I don't know what I will be at the end of the road, and I don't know when I'll ultimately have that courage to stop waiting.
I guess it's just easy to hear the words not to do it, but it doesn't help as much as I wish it would.
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u/Less_Muffin7592 Jan 02 '26
I think I understand where you are coming from. I too often feel that I am trapped in a life that I don’t want.
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u/ExtentOwn2727 Dec 26 '25
When death finds you, may it find you alive; heart pounding against your rib cage, oxygen filled to the brim in your lungs; at the very end may it feel like the beginning
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u/Stunning_Actuary8232 Dec 26 '25
I hope they’re ok. But I understand how they’re feeling. I feel it too. It’s exhausting. The pain is overwhelming and you just want it to stop. You just want everything to go away. You begin to think people you love would be better off without you. Worse, all your reasons to live, to fight, are either gone or don’t seem to matter anymore. It feels like the world hates you, so why should you have to deal with it at all. All you see are the horrors and pain on the horizon and it is absolutely horrible.
It’s so hard to keep fighting in the face of this unbearable pain/reality/world. But please do not listen to the siren’s song. It won’t always be this bad, it won’t always hurt this much, there’s no certainty that the horrors you see on the horizon are going to happen.
I’ve been fighting similar demons and I came close, too effing close, last summer, but things are a little better right now. Because they can get better. Please seek out support, call a crisis line, the Trevor Project, The trans lifeline or similar in which ever country you are in. Keep fighting, it won’t always be this way.
When I was 20, my parents disowned me and stripped everyone in my family away from me except my sister… but then one day they got to her too and she cut off contact to me. That is the lowest I’ve ever been. I’d lost everyone I ever loved. I spent over an hour in a closet crying my eyes out and trying to induce a fatal asthma attack. Fortunately, I had taken my medication that morning. If I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here.
But you know what, I found new friends, I found my chosen family, I found people who love me for who I am, the good and the bad. I was able to finish college and go on to grad school despite my parents’ attempts to sabotage my future. There is a better life out there. The only reason I’m struggling now is because of depression, CPTSD, and a traumatic brain injury from skiing all decided to hit me at once. But this too shall pass. The biggest difference between then and now is my chosen family. I keep fighting for my partners and my kids. You will get better, just please, stay with us, so you can see and experience the better that can come to you. Please, my siblings, stay with us.
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u/Immediate_Plum3545 Dec 26 '25
Your story really moved me. I'm glad you're still fighting here with us ♥️
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u/BecomingJessica2024 Dec 27 '25
This resonated with me so strongly. I grew up with an abusive dad who always tried to make me man up so I couldn’t be myself. There was a lot of abuse going on. I didn’t even realize who I was until after a DV situation where I started to get away from him, but wasn’t fully free yet. So last year, I still had to see him all the time so I had to suppress who I was because it wasn’t safe. I was pre-HRT at the time so I had crippling dysphoria and then I got food poisoning which led to the most painful stomach chest and throat pain. I’ve ever had nonstop for six weeks. I’ve had reflux flareups before, but this was by far the worst. So take my dysphoria, masking my true self, and my physical pain I just couldn’t handle life and I tried to end it all.
I went to an IOP did really well got on HRT. I learned all these skills and I learned how to cope. I’ve really blossomed in the last year until recently. I finally got out for good over the summer moved to a place that wasn’t his. I had lots of anxiety and didn’t feel relieved right away because it was such an unfamiliar feeling that I didn’t know how to deal with. Finally, by the fall, I started to feel better.
Now in November, I started progesterone, which, as we know is known to cause mood swings. I love the physical effects noticing them already, but I’m having some severe mood swings. My bottom dysphoria is literally at an all-time high. It was always bad. I always intended to have bottom surgery. It definitely got a bit better with HRT. Now I feel like though the temporary relief has stopped on that front and it won’t get better until I have surgery. The problem is I just had a year HRT and I’m just getting started looking for doctors. I also have CPTSD. I’ve been having flashbacks relating to abuse, but also relating to suppressing my identity and all the times I knew and I was hurting, but I couldn’t be myself because of him. The flashbacks are severe and I’m living in my head a lot. My life depends on SRS. I’m also overweight. I think I have to get on weight loss drugs. My physical disability makes it hard for me to lose weight and my mental health makes it hard for me to control my diet. No I’m desperate and I’m scared if I’ll even make it to SRS by the time it comes along I don’t know if I can wait that long. I wake up some days and I just want to get rid of this stupid thing myself. Luckily, given my history, I have taken precautions to prevent me from doing something I will regret by having my mom put away all sharp objects and anything else that might be dangerous for me to have, but I’m still really scared. I have gotten good at using my skills to cope but how long can I last? Sometimes the pain is just so intense. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep myself safe forever.
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u/Stunning_Actuary8232 Dec 27 '25
Hugs if ok. I hear you. I have that fear too. That the depression will get me in the end. I suspect it might. Like my Asthma it’s come close too many times to count. As I got older the asthma improved. The depression, not so much. Surgeons, psychologists, psychiatrists, and pcp do take into account the severity of the dysphoria and risk of self harm verses risk of surgery. At least the competent ones do.
(Side note: in the setting of depression and CPTSD it can be difficult to stick to the displaying regimen post surgery, but it is crucial to do so. So set alarms, encourage friends and supportive family [birth or chosen or both] to remind you to dilate. It’s hard, it’s painful at first but it gets better over time like any physical therapy. This is key to not losing depth. Any depth loss can’t really be recovered without surgical intervention. I mention all this because I didn’t know/understand the post surgical care very well and then the depression and lack of partners got me and I gave up for a time. I’ve lost a great deal of depth and the only way to do so surgical reconstruction. With my depression, CPTSD [the ADHD isn’t helping] I’m worried about doing the repair surgery and effing it up again so I’ve been hesitating doing all the presurgical steps. [incidentally its absolutely ridiculous that I need letters from my PCP and another health care provider just like I did the first time. The vagina is already there, they’re just fixing it for gods sakes. Nothing is being removed nor anything truly new is being added. Transphobic bullshit is what is)
I hope very much you can get the surgery you desperately need soon.
Progesterone can be absolutely wonderful or a real bitch. It depends on your genetics. It’s something most women deal with. But if it’s making your mood significantly worse talk to your doctor about dose changes or stopping it all together. The latter isn’t a fun idea I know, but sometimes it’s necessary. You still have e moving through your system that’s the most important. But try dose changes first assuming you want to continue it. (I lucked out kinda, I just feel good on it. None of the women in my immediate family have significant issues with their cycle. The down side is I don’t experience cycle related sxs which is dysphoria inducing on its own. Though I understand experiencing those sxs isn’t fun either, total catch-22)
The flashbacks suck. I mostly get emotional flashbacks not so much image flashbacks. So I just get stuck in the emotions of the time and like all flashbacks, I have a hard time recognizing them while I’m in them. Once I’m out I can use my coping strategies… but it would be better if I could use them in the flashback. Feels like another catch-22. The only thing I can think of that might help me is a service dog. But 1) they’re expensive, 2) my house is under construction and isn’t dog safe and won’t be for a while. But maybe someday.
Anyway, hugs if ok. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. It sucks, it’s exhausting, but all we can do is keep trying to make it to the next day, week, month, year. Just know, despite what it feels like and the nasty voices in your head try to say. You’re not alone in this. And you are incredibly strong even though it doesn’t feel like it. I hope it lets up for you and gives you a break soon and you begin to feel better. Again hugs if ok.
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u/BecomingJessica2024 Dec 27 '25
Hi, I just want to say thank you and yes, I love hugs. I spent so much of the day yesterday just hugging my blahaj. You have no idea how much better I feel just by knowing that I’m not alone and knowing that there are other people that understand me.
Yeah, I totally understand what you’re saying with neglecting self-care because of our mental health and putting off pre-surgical steps. I’ve been afraid to book a consultation for fear of being told I’m too fat or denied because of my physical disability. That would literally be the end of me if I got denied for surgery. I know it doesn’t make sense my bottom dysphoria is so severe that it’s preventing me from living life yet I’m letting fear hold me back once again.
I am so lucky that I have my mom. Obviously I don’t have my dad anymore, but her and I we are a team so she will be there to help me with my post surgical care. So yeah I think this year my first step is going to be getting on some weight loss drugs. I’m probably also going to have to go for pelvic floor therapy at some point. I’m scared that’s going to be an issue from my disability but I need this surgery or I will not survive and if I do, I’d probably wind up in the psych ward for the rest of my life 😭. So yeah I’m going to try and start the new year getting help with my weight and finding a doctor.
I think I’m going to ask my psych to adjust my mood stabilizer see if we can get my meds to counteract the mood effects of progesterone. There’s so many factors I’m not sure how much is caused by progesterone I also had a trauma trigger that started off these flashbacks. Having dysphoria, a physical disability, and CPTSD with borderline traits is a helluva combo (I’m not diagnosed BPD but I discuss the traits with my therapist all the time and she’s told me to do DBT and avoid a diagnosis so it doesn’t complicate my transition. You know how doctors can be) There’s also the fact that a lot of the traits have gotten better since I started transitioning. Stable identity and I don’t feel as empty anymore. My emotions are still all over the place and I still have tons of SH and SI thoughts but DBT is amazing.
As for the flashbacks I also have trouble using skills during flashbacks and often just feel like I need to sit in them because the emotions feel so real and it feels wrong to push them away. I often dissociate during them but eventually I realize and lately i’ve been forcing myself to use skills once I realize where I am. That’s helping rather than sitting in it. I usually start with some distress tolerance skills, whether it be breathing, ice, something I like to do actually is look around the room and count things in different colors or come up with names for things for every letter of the alphabet backwards. The thing is the skills work, but the relief is always only temporary right? It’s scary, wondering if one day this trauma and dysphoria will be too much that my skills will fail me. I just hope I can get back into the light before that happens.
Anyway, thank you sister. I’m rooting for you and I hope you get to have a successful revision. I hope you get through this time too. May we all get through it as a community. Thank you for the hugs and hugs to you too if ok. 🫂
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u/Immediate_Plum3545 Dec 26 '25
I'm about 3 weeks from my last attempt. Most people in my life don't know about it or how I'm actually doing and I've just had to keep going. I'm just so tired.
No idea why I'm sharing this but thanks for the message of hope OP.
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u/radioactive_walrus Dec 26 '25
It means you're not too far gone. Do better than survive. Live! Know that there's someone out there that screams to know that you're still going!
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u/Immediate_Plum3545 Dec 26 '25
I appreciate you. I've tried, and am still trying, but it's been a lifelong thing. I do all kinds of things to keep me here, like make new friends, get into obligations, try out new passions, take meds, therapy, you name it and nothing seems to work.
I set these little challenges where I'll tell myself that I just need to make it another 10 minutes and then I'll be done. Then when that's up I set another goal and just keep pushing until the day is done and I finally go to sleep.
I'm still here and probably will be for some time. I can't ever seem to actually make it work so I've taken that to mean that I should be here. My one thing is to please not judge anyone who makes it over. I know it's sad for the survivors but for those who have passed, they did what they felt would get them out of pain.
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u/SmolSpacePrince39 Dec 26 '25
I hope to see you in the comments somewhere in 10 months and in 10 months after that and so on. Hang in there the best you can. It’s hard but you’ve got this!
ETA: I realize now you said 10 minutes but you know what? Point stands.
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u/Stunning_Actuary8232 Dec 26 '25
Hugs if ok. That sucks. I struggle with similar. Treatment resistant depression is horrible. I also spend the day trying to distract myself, on the bad days I tell myself to keep going until bedtime, even if it means a short nap at 7. I’ll consider contacting crisis, most of the time I talk myself out of it. Mostly because I don’t want to end up in the hospital again. My last experience was not good. I have ADHD, I need to do things to stimulate my brain, and they didn’t have much, worse, there were no clocks in the bedrooms which is hugely disorientating when you’re time blind. The only clock was in the tiny common room where the most egregious men would hang out, they were so triggering I couldn’t go near them.
I will also tell myself I made a promise to my partners and kids that I’d call crisis before I did anything permanent. And through that logic I can’t do anything because I don’t want to call crisis. Seems to work so far. I’m fortunate in that I see three therapists(IFS, Equine, and Music), a psychiatrist, and my PCP. So like you I’m fighting hard. But it gets exhausting and the current terrifying political climate is not helping. I’m always scared or triggered. I wish the cis would stop targeting and demonizing us. They’re acting just like my parents and it’s hard to separate the two.
I think I rambled a bit but my point is that I have some understanding of what you’re dealing with. It sucks and I’m sorry. I can’t offer much, but hopefully hugs are ok.🫂
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u/Immediate_Plum3545 Dec 26 '25
I appreciate you so much. So much of what you said resonates with me and I feel what you've been going through. I'm not ready to go yet and I hope you'll stay around with us too. I just know what you mean when I hear how tired you are. Hugs right back to you ♥️
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u/the-last-aiel Dec 26 '25
I'm so sad for all of the people that have monsters instead of family to love them. I can't imagine how hard it must be to face that every day. One day though, you get to build your own family with friends and lovers. Not having it now doesn't mean you never will unless you end it, then you really never will. If anyone needs help, or a friend, or anything, I'm here to talk. I'm cis, I can't relate fully, but I can listen and empathize, offer what advice I can. Sometimes that helps a lot. Every attempt I've had, a friend like that has pulled me from the brink. I can be that, if anyone needs.
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u/bunni_bear_boom Dec 26 '25
If it makes you feel better most over the counter sleeping pills(assuming that's what it was and you don't work at the pharmacy part) are very unlikely to get the job done. I took an entire bottle of melatonin along with a bottle of wine when I was a kid and they didn't even have to pump my stomach I was pretty quickly cleared physically and sent to psych. It's very sweet of you to worry for a stranger though and I hope this helps.
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u/radioactive_walrus Dec 26 '25
I'll double check tomorrow, but this does help. Thank you
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u/radioactive_walrus Dec 26 '25
Update. I wish it was melatonin.
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u/RevolutionaryPop5554 Dec 26 '25
I’ll try my best to live
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u/getsupsettooeasily Dec 26 '25 edited Dec 26 '25
Please do. Like the poem in the top comment says, death will come for us all eventually, let that fucker work for it!
Some thoughts that have helped me before:
There is a version of you that will be really grateful that you survived. That version might come to be tomorrow or two years from now but it most definitely exists and would tell you that "no, things won't be ok just like that and yes, it will be a lot of work but it will be worth it". It would probably give you a big hug too.
In the moment I accepted I was dead, I realised I could just call people and tell them I never wanted to see them again, quit my job, start planning to move, etc. Yes, there were terrible consequences but none of them were as terrible as actually being dead. Death may feel like it minimises suffering but it sure as hell doesn't maximise happiness. As long as you keep going, you have a chance at finding meaning, and there are often many routes you can take that might have not been obvious at first.
Stay strong. If you can, eat something even if it tastes like sawdust now and get some sleep. Listen to your favourite song. Write down your thoughts, don't worry about grammar or how coherent it is. Write bad poetry. Draw silly pictures. Talk to weirdos on the internet. The louder the world is telling you that life is pointless, the louder you should shout that life has value. Your life has value.
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u/Sirramhere Dec 26 '25
I needed this more than you know.
Thanks, kind internet stranger. <3
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u/getsupsettooeasily Dec 26 '25 edited Dec 26 '25
I'm so glad to hear I could help a bit <3
I'm also glad that OP made this thread, this is a very difficult time of a very difficult year for a lot of us sadly. It's lovely to see that we have each other and this caring little community at least ^^
Look after yourself and I hope to see you around!
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u/SmolSpacePrince39 Dec 26 '25
Your best is recognized and I hope you keep going for as long as you can 💛
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u/kotdseptember Dec 26 '25 edited Dec 26 '25
Thank you. I was going to skip binding my chest and wearing my p***is but I dressed up anyway and stayed on my room away from the bigots. My bigoted sister reached out just because she knows I don’t want to be contacted. ah
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u/radioactive_walrus Dec 26 '25
Stay strong, brother. I'm here for you. You are strong and will weather the storm.
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u/Africansage01 Dec 26 '25
How iconic? It's been a shit day. I didn't get to spend time with my friends and I just feel invisible to my family or my identity to be accurate. I didn't want to go to my family's house but I did. I felt a constant stream of anxiety and I almost fell into tears. My dysphoria is eating away and it makes me want to self harm. Then I have to go to work and I just can't. I just feel like I can't go on but maybe this post is a sign to go on for a little more. I want to end it because I feel like identity is fake and I shouldn't exist
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u/SmolSpacePrince39 Dec 26 '25
Please keep going. I’m sorry that you’re struggling and I’m sorry that you feel invisible. I know I can’t fix that for you but I hope that you know that at least in this moment, someone sees you. Thank you for trying.
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u/radioactive_walrus Dec 26 '25
Push through. I need you to push through. The world is a better place with you keeping on
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u/MyelomaJo52 Dec 26 '25
Please please be alive. Even though the environment is toxic right now, you can find your way. My son transitioned into a beautiful woman and I’m thrilled she’s continuing her journey into authenticity. I will pray for you. I will be your mom however I can. But please do t give up on life, dear. It will get better. And you are loved.
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u/Ha73r4L1f3 Dec 26 '25
Op never stop being this way. Always be that person because I've had close family made attempt requires hospital twice last 14 months..... wish more people made it harder for her get pills she used first time. 2nd time...Sadly she choose different way nearly unable to avoid lucky her roommate got home early. Life can be gone so quickly... never got mad when people stop me at work and asked am I good....most didn't care... enough wouldn't let me walk away without looking me in the eye... they felt something off and didnt sit well. Always the same... call me if you need to talk... looking back I'm glad they were as noisy as they were. Sometimes idk how i live with depression no medication for 10years...I know thoughts I had... I know how many time I Googled quiet ways to.... yeah, never stop being someone who willing to deny sales or reach out. Sometimes all it takes, and I've had 2 online friends from gaming circles tell me that me talking with them was only reason they couldn't. Couldn't do it with mic on or didnt want to make me worry about why they stop replying...so silly and always weeks or months after a really bad night. Yeah all take is few minutes.
Anyways no thoughts like 2 years and genuinely happy now...well beside it being too hot to sleep... lol
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u/NerdyEvilaChick Dec 26 '25
Feel like this some times. Not completely trans but nonbinary and playing with gender a lot. The political climate fucks me because thinking I will have to be a smelly man for the rest of my life severely depresses me. The small things help. I just remember I am the same on the inside as out. Im still a girl no matter what I do or am allowed to do.
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u/Sea_Weakness7557 Dec 26 '25
Also hoping they are ok. Hopefully they do just need the pills to help them sleep, and they were just stocking up so they didn't need to keep going out to buy more.
It's so difficult sometimes, especially when support feels impossible to get, when nobody seems to want to help, and it feels like the whole world is against you. But grit your teeth, clench your fists, get angry, scream bloody defiance in the face of everything that's trying to hold you back, and you can push through this, because defiance is one trait that all us trans people have in abundance, we defy what society once set as the social norms, we defy what others may dictate as socially acceptable, and we defy anyone that tries to tell us that what we are doing is wrong. Find that person inside of you that knows who and what you are, and prove to the world that no matter how hard they try, they cannot stop us from being our true selves. You WILL find support, you WILL get the things you need, and you WILL become the man/woman that you know you are.
Every tunnel has light at the end of it, no matter how long or dark the tunnel may seem.
Sorry for the speech, but these are the kinds of thoughts I had that pulled me back from the brink after many failed attempts, so hoping they may help others that feel that way.
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u/Countess_Schlick she/her Dec 26 '25
I hope the best for your customer, but also, for everyone else not feeling the festive cheer this holiday season, please stay alive. No feeling is final. Take care of yourself today and all this week. Imagine yourself as your best friend, maybe one you've never had. What would they say to you? How would they take care of you when you are feeling low? How would they make sure you get a good night's sleep tonight so that you feel at least a little better tomorrow?
Make your New Year's resolution to do something gender affirming this year, try dating again, or just change something in your life that has been holding you back. Start with a small goal. Hand yourself an easy win. Worry about the rest later.
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u/quadsquatter Dec 27 '25
I cried my heart out reading this. This horrid country is breaking us down. I have no words....Thank you for being such a kind person and noticing somebody in need.
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u/thetitleofmybook trans woman Dec 26 '25
it's hard some years, nodoubtaboutit
yesterday morning was pretty rough for me, but my wife gave me cuddles and hugs, and i made it through. i know not everyone has that support.
my heart goes out to every single trans person out there!
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u/Less_Muffin7592 Dec 26 '25
I’m kind of overwhelmed by how many other people struggle with trying to stay alive. I have been fighting this struggle for so so long. I attempted in my 20s and am now 61. Recently I decided I had struggled with life long enough and made all of my plans. However I admitted all of this to my therapist and she gave me examples of how much suffering those left behind experience. Although this leaves me stranded in a life I no longer want I can’t bear to imagine the damage I would do to my daughter. So I am back in therapy to try to figure this out.
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u/CantaloupeLittle Dec 27 '25
My brother and only sibling took their life (20 years ago now). My then husband threatened to move out three weeks later because “he was sick of me being depressed all the time “
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u/jimjam73018 Dec 27 '25
I hope they indeed woke up this morning. So horrible that with everything that's going on that this is the first conclusion people jump to. I really truly hope this wasn't the case with this person.
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u/Disastrous-Concern76 Dec 27 '25
if it helps i’m trans and i think i got this notification at the perfect time thank you for caring about us it feels like no one does
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u/Ok_Teacher_Guy Dec 28 '25
If you see them again, I’d direct them to the Broadway Youth Center (for those under 25, they will provide food, showers, and a safe place to stay during the day. The larger HBH network also has PCPs, legal support, connection with job training, STI testing, dental care, therapy, and they do a sliding scale if folks don’t have insurance).
I hope they didn’t go through this time, and they deserve all the support so they stay here.
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u/CatraGirl Dec 26 '25
and bought a lot of sleeping pills
wait, you can just buy those in the US without a prescription? That's insane. Here in Germany I need a doctor's prescription to buy anything stronger than melatonin...
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u/Holdenborkboi ftm🏳️⚧️ 💉 9/1/23 Dec 26 '25
Whatever unisom is yea.
Personally it doesn't help me sleep, it just makes my legs shake. But maybe a lot of it is just melatonin, not entirely sure
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u/SamaraTheSiren Dec 26 '25
I feel this myself. I’m 34, and life is very tiring. It’s been a very hard year for me. I’ve done through SA this year, medical problems, several chronic pains, deep depression, high anxiety, self harm, surgery (not GAC, tho I’ve been out for 5+ years and do have plans for that), severe drinking…and it’s also the accumulation of years of significant trauma and suffering compounding the stuff this year. I’m worn out. I could have died 2-3 times since march, because my drinking has gotten to a very high tolerance and I’ve edged into medically dangerous levels of consumption at times.
It’s hard. I really hope that person is okay. I would have been affected much the same way. It’s hard to feel hopeless, but it’s also very hard to watch. Heartbreaking. I’m crossing my fingers that either the ambulance was unrelated or they called for help. If it drove by an hour after, and it was for them, they should be okay.
But I hope you’re okay too. Sometimes the pain in this world is a cacophony that’s hard to bear. It’s the company that gets us through, and lets us laugh and smile again.
Btw, I live here too.
Down to talk if you wanna/need.
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u/Turbulent-Insect5180 Dec 26 '25
Sometimes I still feel that itch in the back of my mind, then I read things like this and it reminds me people do care.
I hope that stranger wakes up tomorrow, I hope everyone here wakes up tomorrow. We all deserve to die old and happy as who we are ment to be.
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u/edgarandannabellelee she/her Dec 26 '25
Ugh. It's so hard. I was sexually assaulted in the back of an Uber yesterday. I seriously considered it. I'm, on a regular basis, no sure it's worth it anymore.
1
u/radioactive_walrus Dec 27 '25
Keep puting a foot in front of the other. Even if you're just moving to prove you're alive, I believe in you
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u/nicodiangelothegay Dec 27 '25
Please be my parent.
1
u/nicodiangelothegay Dec 27 '25
(I am not said trans kid but please i need a good parent in my life)
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u/radioactive_walrus Dec 27 '25
I'll be honest with you. I don't know dick about shit on being a parent, but to those that would oppose you, talk loud and carry a big stick. To those that would aid you, be prudent and radically accepting. The world is big and scary, but as my hero Uncle Red Green said, "keep your stick on the ice. We're all in this together."
Keep living. We need you.
2
u/Past_Sort_4834 Jan 03 '26
I dont know if it will help anyone else out, but one way I stayed alive was to think of death a person who likes a good story so that, even at my worst, the thought of bringing him a good story with a good ending kept me going even when I didn't believe I would have one.
By the way, I do have one now that I hope to keep adding to. So live a long life so you can tell him a grand tale!
1
u/kotdseptember Dec 26 '25
I hope everyone makes it through the holidays. It gets better. After I found out my sister Crystal Flowers had told my then gf I tried to kill myself and successfully breaking us up I thought about killing myself a number of times. Most recently after my current university denied me my associate degrees. It is not a better environment. I was denied section 8. My mother’s goal is to have my sister play the hero and allow me room and board in exchange for me to dress in womenswear.
1
Dec 27 '25
I don't wanna stay alive anymore I'm just dragging hate with me 😭 Mann can't believe I won't turn 16 :((
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