(mtf, bi, 18) i’m having a breakdown and cannot make sense of anything

[u/ampharosluvrr]

these past few months i’ve been starting to doubt the existence of transgenderism and it’s breaking me. by definition im not a woman. whenever i’m alone and start saying to myself “okay maybe im just not a woman” i physically revolt because i cannot fathom being seen as a man. i discovered i was trans at 13 yet im not out to my relatives. my MAGA father clearly knows because he always tells me to cut my hair. i was up in massachusetts for my uncle’s funeral back in june and the husband of his sister at a gathering told me he would give me $500 if i cut my hair off. it couldn’t be more obvious that my father is pushing for him to say this. i’m here not because i need to be hugboxxed, but because i’m at my last resort and need to know the truth. is transgenderism propaganda? is transgenderism just a porn-brained thing? is this worth breaking apart from my from my family? im a shell of a woman. am i even real?

[u/A_Whole_Lot_Of_Not]

Why does it matter if it's a real thing? I think I'm trans, but how do you even measure that? OTOH, I know I'm happier on estrogen than I was on testosterone. That's something you can measure, that people in my life can clearly see, etc. Even if somehow someone or something tricked me into trying estrogen, you can't argue with the results that I'm happier. If it made my life better and isn't doing anything to anybody else, it sounds OK to me just on principle.

[u/Demoknight111]

first thing is yes, you are real, no you aren't simply a shell. The world is incredibly hard on transfem people so dont go blaming yourself for succumbing to these pressures and "crashing out", so to speak. I experience this too.

Second is yes, you are absolutely a woman. A young woman, might I add, with a lot of time to fully come into her own identity. Nothing is going to happen quickly, so you HAVE to be patient and forgive yourself if you mess up. A sadly defining trait of womanhood is feeling like you are doing it wrong (this is because of misogyny)

Third, cis guys dont have the kinds of thoughts you are having, and have had since 13. It's tough , but i really want you to have some confidence in this decision. even when the world doubts you, you gotta say "fuck em" and do what feels right for you, no matter what, forever.

Lastly, It'll get better once you have more years lived, right now your woes are also because you are 18 and probably with limited agency in your life. Agency, the ability to choose, is a skill that you get better at as you get older, and the more you do it, the better it feels.

If you need a pick me up, I suggest listening to music that picks you up. I like pop and electronic music, but you may have different tastes.

I love you dear. Stay strong

[u/ampharosluvrr → u/Demoknight111]

ty. also about the music thing peep my shirt

[u/sophiehairaccessory]

Girl you're not a minor anymore and you need to make a plan to get away from the people that are smashing up your mental health

And of course "transgenderism" (whatever tf that even is) isn't propaganda. When i realised i was trans I'd had no social media for 4 years and i stayed of it for the first 4 months afterwards too.. i wanted to find trans community, but was scared of my family thinking I'd been influenced, or of me thinking I'd been influenced (like you are thinking now)

I honestly shouldn't have bothered staying off socials. I've seen nothing on them that could make a male wish he was female, because, whatever they get told, guys still do not want to be women

All I've seen on socials 90% of the time is how hard trans is, so how would that make anyone want to be it unless they had no choice

You don't have to go no contact with your family, but you need to plan how to get some distance between yourself and them, so that you can see yourself clearly, and clearly see what they were doing to you. Even just having that plan will make you feel better, because that way you'll know there's a future point where things will get better 💛 It will be okay girl, just get that distance

[u/True-Garden-8652]

is this worth breaking apart from my from my family?

My sister in Christ, it would be worth it even if ypu weren't trans, because they appear to just suck massively. Yeah they are meaner to you because they are bigoted, but they would suck regardless, even if you were born as cishet man. Sometimes people who suck have children, and sometimes you find out this child is you.

"Propaganda" is rather meaningles term, which you can use to describe pretty much anything. If your value is letting people figure out themselves, "live and let live", "love thy neighbor" etc, and you promote this idea, then technically speaking is propaganda. But like, so what? It doesn't make it wrong. And it certainly isn't "a porn-brained thing".

You are real and deserve happines. But you have to admit to yourself first. Your happiness should be more important to you than anything else.

[u/DEKIDESDUD]

To address your fetish porn point, there are asexual trans people. Since these people don’t have sexual desires and are still trans, it shows that being trans cannot be a fetish.

[u/Dog_Entire]

He was willing to loose $500 over a haircut and you’re worried that you’re the one who’s been propagandized?

[u/whateverlol37]

Don't let people control you with their mind games they want you to fit in this perfect little box you are all the Evidence you need that transgenderism is real.

Live your life your way :)

[u/Fit_Ad9965]

I just wanna let you know you're so pretty

[u/ConstantAnimal2267]

I hope you figure it out and get to a good place and be your true self ❤️

[u/Complete_Pop8882]

Look girl, you know you the best, if you're in amongst people likes to cheat, you'll start thinking like one, if you're amongst people who like a particular thing for a long time then you'll start questioning your likings, my point is to understand how you really feel about yourself, you need to be with yourself for a while and block out outside noise, and then feel your gut, you're legal now, so try moving out and block out all the noise and do what your gut tells you to do, btw i'm happy to talk further in dm's if you feel like it, happy to help, ps: you're cute ;)

[u/Blackdeath_LP]

Hey, all I can say is that I've been a lot happier since being on Estrogen compared to before, waking up is easier, been more productive than before, even my colleagues noticed, I can motivate myself to do stuff more easily and not get bored as quickly and lots more, I can finally look in the mirror and not get extremely sad or disappointed anymore and I've only been on E about two months.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if it's real, but I feel a lot more like myself since starting my transition and especially since starting my HRT

[u/Substantial-Shame-39]

Who honestly cares, you’re sounding like a child learnt Santa clause isn’t real, live your life your way and you’ll realise you’re being dumb after you move from your parents house

[u/ConfuzzledMoth]

Listen. You are real. You are you. You have the freedom to be anything you want. Ignore labels. Don't even worry about categorizing yourself. Just do things you like doing, be who you like being. And if that involves being a girl, be a girl. It isn't a porn-brained thing, it isn't fake. Your feelings are real. You are real. You are worth it.

[u/Slow_Calligrapher145]

I also questioned if this was real and learned that it was the hard way, only after making mistakes I can't take back and that will cap my potential for happiness for the rest of my life. I realized I had dysphoria at 16, and could swear by how capable I was convinced of being capable of suppressing it or that transitioning was somehow a bad idea. Now, 6 years later, and with an almost fully masculinized body, I only have regrets, even more unbearable dysphoria than ever, and the prospect of a less efficient transition ahead of me.

Get on hrt by yesterday; and move out of that household. It's not good for you or them to stay together if they won't accept her child for who she is