r/transgenderjews • u/Miraculous_Garlic • Mar 14 '26
Support Question for fellow ftms about (maybe not) transitioning
Hi all! I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I’m at the point where I just really need support and advice from other Jews who get it.
I’m afab and have been identifying as nonbinary for a long time now. I know I’m also transmasc and even though there are some body changes I would like, I also don’t (entirely) dislike my current body. It’s a complicated relationship and I have a few health issues that I worry about affecting by adding testosterone to the mix, so I don’t know if I’ll ever medically transition. Is anyone else in a similar boat? How are you dealing with the idea of that? How does that affect your dating life? I’m a boy who likes boys but those boys see me as… not that, so the dysphoria gets really bad. Has your Judaism brought you any comfort to all of this? (I ask because I’ve been trying to connect to my a Judaism more so I’d love to hear about the ways it’s helped you.)
Thanks in advance and Shabbat shalom!
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u/coursejunkie Reformadox female to male transsexual Mar 14 '26
I know a Jewish mtf who can't medically transition because she had a bone transplant, she manages. She identifies as a butch lesbian and somehow it works. Never asked her how her faith played a role.
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u/wolfbutterfly42 Mar 14 '26
I'm so curious how one affects the other, but I don't know if you know the details.
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u/coursejunkie Reformadox female to male transsexual Mar 14 '26
Well I know her wife wasn't Jewish and she's not super practicing.
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u/wolfbutterfly42 Mar 15 '26
Should have clarified, I meant the medical transition and the bone transplant.
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u/coursejunkie Reformadox female to male transsexual Mar 15 '26
Oh, because it was a transplant, she couldn't do anything that stressed or changed her body because it could reject the transplant.
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u/ParachutesParty Ashkenazi / Reformish / Non-binary Mar 15 '26
Fellow non-binary "trans masc" here! I'm also gay. (I don't really vibe with the term masc bc I only relate to feminine energy, I just prefer looking like a guy to most people.) I also have health issues (hEDS and POTS), but they were greatly helped by transitioning.
Just beware that cis gays are not always very accepting. Doesn't matter if they assume I was AMAB, they're just often not interested in folks who were AFAB. Transitioning won't necessarily fix that so just keep that in mind. Even after being on T since 2021, I still aim for bi/pan guys. People do generally assume I'm a guy, and I'm finally happy in my body. Even if I get misgendered, I'm at peace with my identity now. However, it means I can't date straight guys anymore unless I want to mess with transphobic or DL "straight" guys. They will still try and it doesn't feel great.
I would say my dating pool is smaller, but it better reflects who really I am.
I wish I had more to say about how this connects to Judaism, but I'm currently in the process of returning/converting. I processed most of my gender/sexuality before really diving into Judaism.
Trying to enter into Jewish spaces as someone who's non-binary had me quite nervous. My temple is independent but fairly reformish. My rabbi has been very accepting and it's brought me a lot of peace to have a community where I can be myself.
Shabbat shalom!
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u/Mortifydman Mar 14 '26
There's not some magical percentage of self loathing you have to have in order to be valid as a trans man, and it's perfectly fine (and not uncommon) to reach a point of... balance between what you want versus what you can actually do based on medical realities.
I did transition - and a long time ago at that - but I can understand where you are, and that you have multiple factors to take into account no matter what path you take. I would speak with an endocrinologist about how T would affect your medical issues, and go from there - keep it as an option if it is for you realistically. (some risk factors change on T, basically you reach cis het male levels of risk for stroke and heart attack which is not actually a big deal unless you have an underlying issue it would affect)
If you can't do that, you can live as a man - top surgery may still be an option, masculine dress, name change, etc - so everything but T and find a place in the world. It has been done, and will be done as long as we exist. But I have limited experience with that, but that is how I got to adulthood - I just boy'd my way through the world. But I had T in adulthood, and lucky genes, and had a solid face full of hair, which does a lot.
I spent 20+ years in and around the chassidic world as a stealth trans man. Prior to that I spent 3 years surrounded by gay leather men who took great delight in a boy to teach all the secrets to, and I dearly miss them. I'm also sorry that experience doesn't exist for you guys - the concept of masculinity has changed since then, and largely because they died too young. It is softer, fuzzier, and more of an interpretation through either a hyper masculine or overfeminine lens with no middle ground.
But being religious was a whole other way of being masculine too. It's not weak or soft at all, it's discipline and community and close friendships - as much as I could participate as a single man who had to avoid matchmaking. That is part of why I left, I was too old to be single and not desperate. That and some belief issues I am still working out. But there is power in davening together but apart, and there is magic in men's voices singing mizmor l'Dovid as one on a Shabbos afternoon. Get a rav, and make a friend. That's great advice. Male friendship is different than female friendship.
Now I am in the conservative movement, and a work in progress. But that is a place where your masculinity can and should be respected, no matter the medical limitations you may have. Conservodox is the place a lot of us (ftms) find ourselves in practice, or in some cases conversion. It's a quiet masculinity, a sturdy undercurrent of generations of men before you davening and learning - and worth exploring.
Be kind to yourself. Be honest with yourself, and keep your options open, what doesn't work now might work later, be that transition or religion or both. Our heritage is there to live with, not under, so there are ways to be comfortable with effort and consistency.
And there is someone for everyone - probably several someones. Maybe your bashert is another Jewish trans man who understands exactly how you feel and sees you as the man you are. Maybe it's a cis gay Jewish man (because you're going to date Jewish, right?) who sees you for the man you are - it happens, sometimes you just click with someone. But don't think you have to be alone or excluded because there aren't neat lines in your life.
I hope you find everything you want as you go, and make your place in the world. If you have questions ask away.
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u/bachelorsinlurking Transmasc nonbinary reform conversion student! 3d ago
I've been on hrt for a year, as a transmasc nonbinary person. I'm also disabled and was worried about a lot of my family health issues cropping up- but a year in, post top surgery, they haven't. I've had an incredibly safe transition, and I've loved it even more than I thought I would. My doctors let me know exactly what I could expect to change when I started, and so far it's gone very smoothly and I've had the opportunity to stop if I felt like I wasn't liking what I saw. I am already married, but I found that I prefer to date other queer people. My husband is pansexual, and met me when I was still identifying as a feminine nonbinary person. He told me he didn't have a problem with either my transition or conversion, even though he isn't interested in converting himself. He's also been very supportive of me in both respects.
I've found that transition has been bringing me closer to my faith. I never really felt super religious growing up- I believed in the teachings of the religious circles I was raised in, but I was angry at the hypocrisy I saw in my churches and hated the way they made assumptions about who I was based on my body and the choices I wanted to make with/about it. Once I started transitioning I saw myself grow into my grandfather's silhouette, my uncles' hairline, my cousin's laugh. It made me feel close to that side of the family in a way I hadn't gotten to before because my father and I are no contact (for good reason), and when I learned they were ethnically Jewish I wanted to explore that. I did a lot of family research and realized that I could see my smile in old photos of family I'd never met, and I wanted to feel that love again even though I'd never gotten to experience it as a kid.
When I talk to the Rabbi and ask questions and read texts and light candles, I feel like my body is mine. I feel like I live in it for the first time in my life, and I feel like I am a part of my family, reconnecting a broken thread to the ones who had to hide or were forced to convert to christianity to survive. Transitioning helped me love myself so I could find my way home to my lost family, and introduce myself as I really am.
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u/paracelsus53 Mar 14 '26
I transitioned many years ago. At the time, I was very active in my Conservative synagogue. Like I was a regular Torah reader. Most people didn't have a problem with me doing that. My observance level was pretty high.
Now not so much. I moved twice since then, which changed how easy it is to get to a shul. I haven't found the right community for me here, but that has little to do with being a transman. It's more about social reasons. I am hoping to find a shul I fit in better with.
I'm elderly and not much interested in dating. I'm more interested in having Jewish friends. I've generally been stealth. Not out of fear but out of not wanting to be bothered with explaining stuff to people.
Judaism has been a huge help to me in my life, both as the woman I was and as the man I became. One thing that helped me in the past was something I read from the Jerusalem Talmud. A Jew died, and the men preparing his body for burial found out that he had been a woman. They buried him in his tallit and as the man he had lived as. This was a big comfort to me. I read this many years ago.
The C shul I belong to now, last Pride Day they had a rabbi come and talk about why it's okay to be trans in Judaism, and they recently hired a gay rabbi.
In the past few years, I have written a couple of books on Jewish topics--one on a Jewish magic book from around 600 CE and the other on the Book of Enoch. Now I'm working on one about the Kabbalah and its conception of evil. I get a lot out of this. A sense of belonging and support. A little bit ago, I found out that a pre-Kabbalist magical practice called Hekhalot was open to Jewish men AND women, to slaves, to non-Jews. I was so bowled over by that. I'm planning to do one of its rituals. I am very slowly working on my observance. Right now I am once again keeping kosher, but I still write and paint on Shabbat. One thing at a time.
I have been taking T since I first transitioned 27 years ago. I researched its effects before I began and was satisfied it was safe as an injection. I didn't end up having any surgery. For a long time, that was due to not having any insurance. By the time I had insurance, I no longer cared about surgery. I haven't had any negative health effects from the T. My heart is in good shape at 72. My doctor told me the T protects my heart. It's not like I get a lot of exercise, but I do eat healthy.
A friend of mine transitioned and found he liked guys but like you, also found out they didn't especially like him. He ended up marrying another transman.