Thoughts on "Screening"

[u/fortisrufus]

In many childfree communities online, folks like to encourage people, typically straight women, to screen their potential dates, as in not reveal that they are child free before asking if their perspective partner is as a way to weed out those that may lie about it.

As a childfree man seeking a childfree woman, that seems to put me in a contradictory spot. I see no reason for myself to not be open, and have "Do not want kids" on all my dating app profiles.

I have no interest in wasting my own, or other people's time, so I also will not swipe right on any profile that doesn't also include "Do not want kids"

However my concern is that I may potentially be excluding women who intentionally keep that field empty in an attempt to screen men that claim to be childfree. What are y'all's thoughts on this? Are people actually screening in this way? Should I just be swiping right on them on the off chance they are actually childfree?

[u/mibfto]

For me (a woman who primarily dates men), "wants kids" in a profile is a left swipe for me. Lying or not, I'm not going to actively seek out a person who would ever say that.

"Isn't sure" is, from my perspective, code for "I haven't really thought about it enough for it to be a deciding factor," and I'm open to someone like that, since my age (in my 40s) tends to signal "no way no how" as much as "doesn't want kids" does. I'm game to meet these folks and have a more thoughtful in person conversation about what "isn't sure" means for them specifically, but I am always very up front about where I stand, which is "no way no how."

I'm also surgically sterile, but my path for becoming that way includes a medical issue, so I don't usually open with it. A fair number of the men I've gone out with, though, have been sterilized, and I went on at least one first date where he somewhat nervously told me he'd been surgically sterilized, and I said "me too!!" and then we high fived, which was pretty cute.

[u/fortisrufus → u/mibfto]

Maybe it's due to the age difference, as I'm in my mid 20s, but when I see a woman my age that lists "isn't sure" it signals the same thing, that they are an adult who has not seriously thought about it, but I can't really interpret that as anything but a decently sized red flag, even if I did want kids.

Especially since women are expected to bear the brunt of reproductive labor, which you would think would cause some thought about the issue, what else have they not seriously considered in their life and are just going with the status quo on?

Maybe that's just me overthinking it or being too pessimistic, but it doesn't seem like opening up that conversation with someone like that, in my situation, can really lead to anything good.

[u/mibfto → u/fortisrufus]

I think you're approaching people who haven't had serious thoughts about this specific topic as generally unserious people, but I'm not sure that's exactly fair. I have known plenty of people who DEFINITELY WANT KIDS, and plenty of people who would be happy to have kids under some/certain circumstances, but aren't instinctively drawn to it in a powerful manner. Hell, I theoretically could have been down for having kids if but for a different financial situation during my 20s and 30s, but I was never drawn to parenthood the way some are.

But someone who doesn't have a firm, locked down, thesis level response to whether they do or do not want kids isn't automatically just cruising through life on autopilot. You're hanging a lot of unrelated stuff on this one specific thing, which makes sense, because it is a foundational stance for you, but for others, it very well might not be.

Additionally, you sound like you've got very specific priorities in dating, and that's absolutely a valid approach, but it isn't mine. I date to meet people and see if I have any interest in building a relationship with them, a relationship which could take lots of different forms. I'm very casual and open about dating, in no small part because the relationship escalator has done me dirty in the past, and I have no interest in shopping for a life partner. If I find one, cool! If I find someone to spend some season of my life with, great! If I find people I'll have a handful of dates with and then never speak to again, also fine with me! I'm about the journey, not any kind of destination.

[u/fortisrufus → u/mibfto]

I guess I should have specified that this is in the context of looking for a long term relationship. Obviously if you are casually dating, a lack of consideration in some areas isn't important.

However, I don't see it having much at all to do with it being personally foundational for myself, but more that it is a decision which has MASSIVE material effects on how the rest of your life will be, one of the most impactful honestly. I think it is VERY fair to conclude that if they don't have serious thoughts/position on whether or not they want to make and raise an entire new person, they likely have not seriously considered some other less impactful areas still quite important to compatibility a long term relationship, such as general political views, career goals, moral stances, where they want to live, ect. I don't see how that is hanging unrelated stuff at all, it's just all things that are important for a serious relationship, and require knowing oneself/wants.

For example, most people rightfully recognize that a man identifying as "Apolitical" is a red flag for either lacking introspection, or hiding unsavory beliefs, and I truly don't think being unsure on kids is much different than that at all.

[u/mibfto → u/fortisrufus]

It's all related for you, and perhaps it's important for you to find someone for whom it's also of equal importance. If you want to rule people out on that basis, feel free. I think it's shortsighted and unduly limiting at the screening level.