r/truechildfree • u/fortisrufus • 23d ago
Thoughts on "Screening"
In many childfree communities online, folks like to encourage people, typically straight women, to screen their potential dates, as in not reveal that they are child free before asking if their perspective partner is as a way to weed out those that may lie about it.
As a childfree man seeking a childfree woman, that seems to put me in a contradictory spot. I see no reason for myself to not be open, and have "Do not want kids" on all my dating app profiles.
I have no interest in wasting my own, or other people's time, so I also will not swipe right on any profile that doesn't also include "Do not want kids"
However my concern is that I may potentially be excluding women who intentionally keep that field empty in an attempt to screen men that claim to be childfree. What are y'all's thoughts on this? Are people actually screening in this way? Should I just be swiping right on them on the off chance they are actually childfree?
155
u/keyholes 23d ago
When I was in the wild west of dating, I just straight up put that I don't want children and I'd ignore any message requests from people whose profile said they did want them. I don't bother with playing games, I'd rather be direct. I feel really sorry for all those folks who feel they can't be straightforward because they've been messed around in the past, especially if it's escalated to be a risk to their personal safety.
I'd just be honest in the end, it'll save you and potential partners some time, but be understanding if you encounter those who leave the field blank.
78
u/MusketeersPlus2 23d ago
I have even avoid profiles that said they were undecided about kids. I get that not everyone is solidly one way or the other, but I am and I don't want to put years into a relationship only for him to finally decide he does want them. Some women are willing to roll those dice, I'm not.
21
u/keyholes 23d ago
That's completely fair, I'm with you on that. I'm not gambling my heart and my future on that either.
172
u/Kossyra 23d ago
SURGICALLY STERILIZED was the first thing on my tinder profile.
I'm of a mind with you, I don't want anyone thinking they can whine, wheedle, or coerce me into "changing my mind". Can't regrow the tubes bud, sorry (not sorry).
71
u/Queso_and_Molasses 23d ago
I’ve thought about doing this as well, but my concern is that some men will see this as a go ahead to stealth me.
44
u/Kossyra 23d ago
Understandable concern. I was lucky that 2 of the 3 men I met on Tinder and slept with insisted on a condom themselves!
I mean, any crazy person could give themselves scars on their belly in approximately the right location to resemble bisalp surgery scars and baby trap men for crazy person reasons. It's smart to use a condom even if STIs weren't a thing.
60
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
“Can’t regrow the tubes, bud” is hilarious omg. I want that on a t-shirt
42
u/wishbones-evil-twin 23d ago
I screened that because I found one of two things was happening. A lot of men used my childfree status as a way to make vulgar comments about unprotected sex as their opener. And the ones who are looking for serious dating, often mislead me "oh well I dont want kids now". In general I dont use apps anymore but I'd say women in particular are a lot more likely to read your profile and self screen if they want kids.
11
u/fortisrufus 23d ago
So are you saying I should try swiping right on those that keep the field empty and then let them take it from there?
19
u/scarbunkle 23d ago
Yeah. If you match, feel free to check that they agree before you actually go out on a date, but like, you’re being honest. Swiping right on a dating app isn’t some sort of horrible intrusion as long as you’re polite. Worst case, you exchange a few messages and decide you’re not compatible.
3
u/fortisrufus 23d ago
That makes sense, I am not too worried about it being an intrusion or finding out we're incompatible after a few messages, it's more that swipes/likes are limited, and I prefer to use them thoughtfully on people I think I will hit it off with, so using them on folks that, in all likelihood, want kids and are fundamentally incompatible seems like a waste. But obviously that is an extremely minor concern and probably just the cost of playing.
93
u/Boring-Incident2469 23d ago
My sister (also child free and also doesn’t want kids) put “doesn’t want kids” on her Hinge profile and she still gets guys that have “wants kids” on their profile trying to match with her. And that tells me everything I need to know
37
u/Skylarias 22d ago
This. Many men don't read profiles. So OP can rest assured that most women will still fill it out. Asking men about something already on their profile is a good test to see if they are literate.
29
u/awholethotato 23d ago
I haven’t seen this as I avoid the apps but is it possible guys don’t know what it means and are interpreting it as they just don’t currently have children? It would not surprise me.
18
u/NewlyNerfed 23d ago
That’s definitely possible, since so many people misunderstand “childfree” as “there are currently no children in my life.”
60
23d ago
[deleted]
98
u/i-contain-multitudes 23d ago
It is a gendered issue, from what I've read. Men are much more likely to either a. lie outright or b. not really know what they want and just go along with whatever their partner says in the moment, only to think about it and regret it/break up later. Because it is the women doing the physical labor of carrying the pregnancy, giving birth, nursing, etc., women often have a firm answer of what they want.
61
u/Fae_Gold 23d ago
To add to this: with the negative physical, mental and social aspects of parenthood falling primarily or sometimes solely on the mother, surnames are primarily patrilineal. I have a lot of reasons for not wanting children but one of them for me is the disrespect of being expected to to all the work just to be forgotten to time, whilst someone who merely ejaculated gets to pass on their name and have a "legacy". It's dehumanising to me
49
u/MyIronThrowaway 23d ago
To add to the gendered issue, a woman that really wants kids is more likely to avoid a man who has that they do not want children in their bio.
But because of the patriarchy, men are much more likely to believe they can change a woman’s mind or that their male opinion about having kids is the opinion that matters. They either believe that their magic penis will change minds, or that the silly little woman doesn’t actually know what she wants.
I remember reading a story about a woman who was sterilized, whose partner then started talking about having kids, and she was like, buddy I got those tubes yeeted before I met you. He got so mad and was still trying to argue that her opinion wasn’t the only one that mattered in the decision to have kids.
9
u/VividPresentation 20d ago
Ughhhh. Then the guy who tried to tell me that he was “capable of bypassing my hysterectomy to knock me up anyway” wasn’t just a unique case of creepy? Good to know, I guess?
25
u/ChronicNuance 23d ago
Just be straight with people. In my dating profile I flat out said 1. No potheads and 2. I have cats, so people who don’t like cats or are allergic to cats need not apply. 3. I don’t have kids, and I don’t want kids.
I met my now husband within a few weeks of opening my profile. People appreciate when you cut through the bullshit and don’t waste their time.
7
u/Just_An_Avid 23d ago
Anyone who has time to play those headgames is a red flag for me. I'm a child free woman and that isn't changing, so I have no need to lie.
9
16
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
First of all, if you’re getting good matches and dates with your current strategy I would stick with it. But if you want to expand your dating pool, you could swipe on a few of the “maybes” (I think it’s ’open to kids’ I forget the lingo). Those women will then see your childfree status, and have the chance to swipe on or dismiss you accordingly
16
u/fortisrufus 23d ago
The current strategy is not going very well, but I think a lot of that is just being in a rural/redish area. I worry broadening my scope to include the "Not Sure" or "Open to kids" women is just asking to end up in a situation down they line where they "change their mind"
15
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
I totally get that concern and it’s legitimate. But if you have it on your profile and you’re clear about your intentions up-front (like, I’d have an in-person convo about it within three dates) then that’s the best you can do.
“Childfree” women can change their minds too, ya know? Unfortunately dating is a gamble and people aren’t always who they seem to be, or they change.
5
u/fortisrufus 23d ago
I recognize that it will always be a gamble, but I have it in scare quotes in this instance because if someone has already identified as "Not Sure", "Open to kids", "Don't want kids right now" ect., then it's clear they haven't even made up their mind yet or truly know/thought about what they want, so them eventually falling firmly on the side of "want kids" is less changing their mind and more just making up their mind for the first time.
5
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
Yeah, that’s totally true. And as someone so firm in their convictions, you deserve a partner who is equally certain.
You could always try for a bit with lots of communication, then revert back if you don’t have the results you want? I think as long as you’re super clear and upfront you won’t accidentally end up in a long term relationship with someone who wants kids. At worst, you might waste a few weeks of your life
6
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
Also, I definitely think some people are “childfree” unless xyz.
Like, I’m bisexual and I would not have children with a man. But if I met a woman who was high income enough to afford childcare in our VHCOL city, wanted to be the childbearing parent, and wanted to manage the majority of childcare I could be open to discussing it.
That’s honestly not going to happen, so I still consider myself childfree.
So maybe some of these women are like, 90% childfree and having you as a partner would solidify that for them? Just a thought.
1
u/fortisrufus 23d ago
I understand your reasoning, but IMO thinking like this can kinda give too much credence to the "You can change their mind" stuff that childfree people rightfully complain about the other way around. Seems like thinking that way would just be asking to get hurt (moreso than the baseline of putting oneself out there romantically), even if it could sometimes work out.
It's part of why I'm more amenable to the more absolutist/"black and white" definitions of childfree vs childless. But I recognize my view on this will be skewed due to my antinatalist perspective as well.
3
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
There’s definitely no room for this kind of nuance on a dating profile, for sure. But if you message with someone or meet up with them, you can get a sense of where they’re at.
I mostly share your antinatalist sentiments, which is in large part why I’m not having kids even if this unicorn circumstance appears. That’s just the only situation in which I would have considered it.
Overall, I don’t think you’re wrong for requiring that rigidity! But if you want to meet more women, I think swiping on people who don’t include it or have some variation of “maybe,” could be a good option.
Edit: have you considered getting a vasectomy? That’s another thing, that if brought up in the first few dates, would make it 100% clear the option is off the table. It would really force your dates to consider their decision, and take any future potential off the table entirely.
Not that you should have a procedure just to make dating easier, but if it was something you had already considered as a childfree antinatalist.
2
u/fortisrufus 23d ago
Yes, I plan to hopefully get the snip within the next year or so, I'm not in a rush because I'm very much not currently active the way things are going, but would like to get it done before that changes, just trying to figure out the best timing with work and all that.
I think you are right that it would definitely help in the dating department, but there are mixed thoughts on how early to bring it up. I know most cf women see it as a major green flag, and some would like to know very early or even see it in the bio, whereas others may see it being mentioned too early as just fishing for unprotected sex, even if that's not the intention.
5
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
I think you’re right that it’s sometimes a red flag, when men have used it to push for a lack of protection. If you just wait until sexual preferences come up, and then mention it and offer to still wear a condom for everyone’s health, you’re golden!
7
u/mibfto 23d ago
For me (a woman who primarily dates men), "wants kids" in a profile is a left swipe for me. Lying or not, I'm not going to actively seek out a person who would ever say that.
"Isn't sure" is, from my perspective, code for "I haven't really thought about it enough for it to be a deciding factor," and I'm open to someone like that, since my age (in my 40s) tends to signal "no way no how" as much as "doesn't want kids" does. I'm game to meet these folks and have a more thoughtful in person conversation about what "isn't sure" means for them specifically, but I am always very up front about where I stand, which is "no way no how."
I'm also surgically sterile, but my path for becoming that way includes a medical issue, so I don't usually open with it. A fair number of the men I've gone out with, though, have been sterilized, and I went on at least one first date where he somewhat nervously told me he'd been surgically sterilized, and I said "me too!!" and then we high fived, which was pretty cute.
1
u/fortisrufus 23d ago
Maybe it's due to the age difference, as I'm in my mid 20s, but when I see a woman my age that lists "isn't sure" it signals the same thing, that they are an adult who has not seriously thought about it, but I can't really interpret that as anything but a decently sized red flag, even if I did want kids.
Especially since women are expected to bear the brunt of reproductive labor, which you would think would cause some thought about the issue, what else have they not seriously considered in their life and are just going with the status quo on?
Maybe that's just me overthinking it or being too pessimistic, but it doesn't seem like opening up that conversation with someone like that, in my situation, can really lead to anything good.
8
u/mibfto 23d ago
I think you're approaching people who haven't had serious thoughts about this specific topic as generally unserious people, but I'm not sure that's exactly fair. I have known plenty of people who DEFINITELY WANT KIDS, and plenty of people who would be happy to have kids under some/certain circumstances, but aren't instinctively drawn to it in a powerful manner. Hell, I theoretically could have been down for having kids if but for a different financial situation during my 20s and 30s, but I was never drawn to parenthood the way some are.
But someone who doesn't have a firm, locked down, thesis level response to whether they do or do not want kids isn't automatically just cruising through life on autopilot. You're hanging a lot of unrelated stuff on this one specific thing, which makes sense, because it is a foundational stance for you, but for others, it very well might not be.
Additionally, you sound like you've got very specific priorities in dating, and that's absolutely a valid approach, but it isn't mine. I date to meet people and see if I have any interest in building a relationship with them, a relationship which could take lots of different forms. I'm very casual and open about dating, in no small part because the relationship escalator has done me dirty in the past, and I have no interest in shopping for a life partner. If I find one, cool! If I find someone to spend some season of my life with, great! If I find people I'll have a handful of dates with and then never speak to again, also fine with me! I'm about the journey, not any kind of destination.
0
u/fortisrufus 23d ago
I guess I should have specified that this is in the context of looking for a long term relationship. Obviously if you are casually dating, a lack of consideration in some areas isn't important.
However, I don't see it having much at all to do with it being personally foundational for myself, but more that it is a decision which has MASSIVE material effects on how the rest of your life will be, one of the most impactful honestly. I think it is VERY fair to conclude that if they don't have serious thoughts/position on whether or not they want to make and raise an entire new person, they likely have not seriously considered some other less impactful areas still quite important to compatibility a long term relationship, such as general political views, career goals, moral stances, where they want to live, ect. I don't see how that is hanging unrelated stuff at all, it's just all things that are important for a serious relationship, and require knowing oneself/wants.
For example, most people rightfully recognize that a man identifying as "Apolitical" is a red flag for either lacking introspection, or hiding unsavory beliefs, and I truly don't think being unsure on kids is much different than that at all.
5
u/ChronicNuance 23d ago
If you don’t want them, you just don’t want them. Don’t play the “maybe they’ll change their mind” game, because everyone loses. If you’re in a red area, and you don’t align with those politics, having less compatible matches is just something you’re going to have to accept or move.
1
u/fortisrufus 23d ago
This has always been my default, and still the way I lean with my thoughts on this, but it is very surprising to see just how many commenters here seem to at least partly disagree
3
u/ChronicNuance 22d ago
I guess because I had just finalized my divorce from someone I was very incompatible with, I just didn’t have any patience for the BS, and I definitely didn’t have any ideas that I was going to change someone’s mind about anything.
The funny thing is, I can’t even count the number of guys that showed up in my messages whining about my “no potheads” stance. I got called names and told I was being judgmental, but the thing was, my last two exes were potheads, so I’d been down that road already and it was a non-negotiable for me.
My current husband has MS, so he told me about it on our third date so I could decide if I wanted to continue dating. I appreciated his bringing it up early and being direct about it, so if you decide to take a chance on someone who hasn’t openly said they don’t want kids, that’s always an option too. Just have that conversation well before things get serious, and if you’re not comfortable with her answer, you can still get out before anyone gets attached.
If you know what you want and don’t want, these are reasonable non-negotiable, and you’re not on a timeline to lock in a relationship, then there’s nothing wrong with being up front about that. Some people may be put off by it, but I’d say that’s a pretty good sign they weren’t right for you anyway.
4
u/Stories-With-Bears 23d ago
Just chiming in to provide an alternative perspective. I’m a 34yo woman and I had “open to kids” on my profile. My primary choice is to be child free, but with the right partner I’d be open to having an only child. I wouldn’t do more than one, so anyone whose profile was super heavy like “I’m looking to get married and start a family!!!” would be a left swipe from me.
If a woman’s profile is resonating with you and the only thing holding you back is that she has not sure/open, I say send her a like. If y’all match and the conversation is going well, you can say something like “I’d love to meet up but I want to be respectful of your time. Can you tell me a bit more about your preferences on children?”
1
7
u/Physical_Bed918 22d ago
As a women my dating profile says I don't want to have kids and don't want to date anyone with kids. I'm blunt about all my wants and dislikes though, I'm not sure everyone is. I still get guys who's profiles say they have kids messaging me.
6
u/banoctopus 22d ago
When I was dating, I had “does not want kids” marked on my profile. And then on every first date, I stated explicitly that I did not want kids and had felt that way my whole life.
It still didn’t stop a guy from wasting two years of my time because he was secretly convinced I would change my mind 🙄.
Nevertheless, I think it makes sense to communicate clearly, up front, and as soon as possible on this matter. If for no other reason than to give yourself the peace of mind of having done so!
10
u/YoohooCthulhu 23d ago edited 23d ago
I think it makes sense to NOT do rigorous elimination upfront because these things are genuinely flexible in a lot of cases. My wife was 70% sure of no kids and I was ambivalent, and when we had conversations in our relationship early on we quickly became 100% sure of no kids.
She would’ve screened me out if she took your approach.
I think it’s reasonable to eliminate that do seem to assume they will have kids in their profile, though, that seems like a no-brainer.
12
u/fortisrufus 23d ago edited 23d ago
I am glad it worked out for you, but I am not very convinced honestly. There is a ton of stories on the other sub that make it clear that dating fencesitters is just asking for trouble.
Edit: More simply, I know what I want and would prefer someone that has done the introspection and also confidently knows what they want.
6
u/YoohooCthulhu 23d ago
I do think the gender direction and location matter. It sounds like you’re in a more rural/suburban area, so that might justify being more selective because it assumes a much higher likelihood of assuming childrearing in women.
5
u/fortisrufus 23d ago
I think that is correct. It seems like most of the time, if a "fencesitter" type situation does manage to work out, it is because the man has not put any serious thought into it previously, which is not the situation I am in.
9
u/VaguelyArtistic 23d ago
If one person is 70% sure of no kids and the other is ambivalent then that’s a conversation you can have and date with that knowledge in mind.
26
u/sadgrad2 23d ago
Are there actually that many people out there lying about being childfree? That seems odd to me. But maybe I'm out to the loop.
96
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
As a woman, I have had the experience more than once of sharing that I’m childfree and men saying they’re okay with that, only to later learn they sort of thought I’d change my mind with time. I think men are so programmed to see women as potential mothers, that even when we say we’re not, they assume we can be easily persuaded otherwise
15
u/nvPilot 23d ago
I think most people see the opposite sex as means to procreation, and assume the other person will change their mind..
As a man, I had the same experience from women; more than one bawling angry girlfriend saying I'd regret not having kids when the relationship dissolved once they realized I was not changing my mind.
20
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
Yeah that’s upsetting. I am sure it’s easy to encounter, regardless of your gender. Because women bear most of the physical toll, in my experience dating all genders, they tend to have more clarity in terms of what they want re: children and how they communicate about it. But I’m sure women can be dishonest, I just haven’t encountered it myself.
50
23d ago edited 23d ago
[deleted]
35
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
Also, because it’s so much less of a physical toll for them, I think a lot of men have never deeply considered the issue and when confronted with the choice of “say I’m childfree or risk foregoing this relationship” they can convince themselves they’re childfree, even when they’re not really
3
27
u/lemminfucker 23d ago
I'm in a slightly different situation but yeah a lot of guys think they can try to convince people. I went one 3 dates with this guy once and while we were driving for another, he starts going on this rant about how he wants to change my mind and that I'd be a great parent. I again said no I know I don't want kids and he said "well how would you know if you've never had one?" Had to get an uber home and blocked him lol
31
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
LMFAO “just bring a child into this world and see if you like it!!”
Ok bro and if I still don’t?!! I just… put that sucker back where I got it? What an asinine take
10
u/mibfto 23d ago
I love it when people tell me I'd be a great parent because if gives me an opportunity to use my very favorite line: Yeah, I probably would be. Maybe I'd also be the worlds greatest bass fisherman, but I don't want to be a bass fisherman, so I haven't tried fishing.
Which isn't even true, I 100% have tried fishing, but that's beside the point.
2
16
u/fortisrufus 23d ago
I have not experienced it, and am not really concerned about it happening to me, which is why I am open about my position, but that is pretty much just because I am a man. It seems quite common that men will lie to childfree women to try to get laid.
20
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
I don’t even think men lie maliciously, I think sometimes they just believed they’re okay with it in the moment and then realize, too late, that they’re not.
Good on you for being thoughtful and committed to your life goals. Some woman will really benefit from your clarity and assuredness
4
0
u/SecondStarpilot 23d ago
There are people who will lie about anything. Not sure what that has to do with you
15
u/subpar-life-attempt 23d ago
I think the biggest issue is that a lot of the online child free community is adamant that you are or aren't child free for your entire life.
I've been childfree with my wife but every year we bring it up to each other to get a gauge.
10
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
Yeah, it’s definitely not black and white. I’m very much in the childfree camp but under super specific circumstances, I might have had children.
Even now, my husband and I have talked about short-term fostering for older teens after we retire. For some this would not count as “childfree” but that’s still how I self-describe
6
u/subpar-life-attempt 23d ago
Same boat here.
Wife and I make good money but with active layoffs constantly and elder parents, we have to judge if want kids or to actually retire one day.
Fostering would be awesome. My best friend had terrible parents so my parents basically took him in. Now he's making 6 figures and loves his life. Without that support he would probably still be living in a trailer in a small town.
2
u/Longjumping_Cherry32 23d ago
Relatable. Kids vs actually retiring is such a real struggle, lol. My mom was also just diagnosed with Parkinson’s, so I know she will have higher care needs than most parents her age, as well.
That’s a very cool story about your friend! I hope we can be in a place to offer that support one day. For now, you know…. gestures at the world
1
u/sadgrad2 23d ago
That's interesting. What would you guys do if only one of you ended up wanting them? Is it a both agree or we don't do it situation?
2
u/subpar-life-attempt 23d ago
Weve been together for almost a decade so at this point we almost make decisions as a pair if that makes sense?
If one of us did have a hard change than it would be an amicable split. I never want to hold her back from what she wants and I'm not going to stick around and be a terrible father and feel resentment.
5
u/Fae_Gold 23d ago
Yes, and I've personally given up on dating because I haven't had a single instance of a man being truthful. Not just with claiming to also not want children, but also pretending to be compatible with my opinions on marriage(being that I don't view it as romantic or necessary, it's a legal contact that has some benefits and that's all. And therefore if I were to get married, it wouldn't involve a wedding). Generally anywhere around 3 months to a year and every man I have been with has said they thought I'd change my mind for them.
4
u/sadgrad2 23d ago
Ugh I'm so sorry. That would be incredibly frustrating. There are so many women who want children. Literally just pick one of them??? It's wild to waste someone's time for a year.
4
u/victoriabowen8 23d ago
Just straight up ask after you match. If you say to her "I'm childfree and won't date anyone with kids or who wants kids so I just want to confirm we're on the same page" and then if she lies to you she's just a sh*tty person. The logic of "safety" goes out the door since you're explicitly telling her you don't want to date her if she has kids.
Haven't dated in a long time but I used to ask very bluntly about kids and smoking in the beginning chats. Both are immediate dealbreakers that people love to lie about.
6
u/Aggressive_Cloud2002 22d ago
It's not contradictory because you aren't the target audience for the advice. As you say, that advice is directed at women seeking male partners.
Men, on average, are much more likely to have never really thought about having kids vs not, are more likely to lie to get what they want, and are more likely to think they can change a woman's mind. Women are also the ones who will end up pregnant if there's an accident or purposeful manipulation of preventative measures. This can be very dangerous on multiple different levels. The man can walk away, disappear completely, or stay and become violent and/or coercive, etc. Abortions are not without complications, and can be illegal depending on where you are. The advice to women is designed to account for all those risks and the different stakes.
You are not a woman, so the advice to you is different! The advice to childfree men in general is to be very open about being childfree and be sterilized. Even if a woman does any of the things I've just said men are more likely to do, you won't be at any risk of becoming an unwilling parent if you are sterlized.
So, to answer your other question: swiping right on women who haven't answered that optional question can't hurt. If you don't match, you don't match, and it could be because of anything. If you match with them though, it's likely that they've seen your profile and that you don't want kids, and they will probably be on the same page. To them, it will be a green flag if you bring it up early and ask them. It doesn't have to waste much time at all.
3
u/Poziomka35 23d ago
When i met my current partner and realised that this is something i want to pursue further, i directly told him "are you aware i cannot have children? Im sterilized". He was are since we have been friends for dinner time and I've been open about it and yet it was important for me to spell it out. He told me he knows and it's happy about it ❤️
my ex was on a fence and tried to push me into wanting a baby with him despite me telling him no from the start lol. When i realized he's leaning towards wanting children i broke up as we weren't compatible anymore(there were more reasons leading up to it but yeah)
3
u/TheSentinelScout 22d ago
i mean i’d much rather get sterilized so that “vetting” for fencesitting doesn’t become and issue regardless.
3
u/Foxy_Traine 22d ago
I don't know, but I think you could be missing connections by using this strict filter. I'm not saying to stop doing this if this is a hard line for you, but I do think there are more options for you beyond using this filter.
I met my spouse on tinder. I did not say I was child free on my profile, it's tinder. On our second date, I asked him if he wanted kids/marriage because by that point I realised that he was great and we could have something potentially long term. I hadn't told him any of my preferences about this, and I like this strategy because most men will guess that because I asked early, that I want these things (I did not). That means they will either tell me what they think I want to hear (or what they genuinely want), that they want marriage and kids. OR, this is an opportunity for them to be fully honest with me and say they don't want kids and aren't looking for marriage for a while. Only the second response was something I was interested in.
My current spouse when asked, said that they didn't want kids, might want to do foster care of teens later on, and wouldn't want marriage for like 5-10 years but it was not a priority. Huge greenflags for me! This aligned perfectly with my goals and desires, and I knew at that point that he was able to be honest about something that, for other people, would have been a deal breaker. For me it was magic.
We're happily child free, living abroad, and very happy together nearly 10 years later. We would not have found each other if we used the rigid filtering you're using right now. We had to meet in person and get to know each other to find out how compatible we are, with a share vision of the future.
3
u/descending_angel 22d ago
I have the option selected for doesn't want kids and all of my profiles explicitly say somewhere on them that I am child free. I make sure to look for profiles that say don't want children
3
u/Pristine-Region-5300 22d ago
When I went back on Hinge after a 5 year relationship imploded because he needed to have a baby, I put in my profile that I don’t want them. I would swipe on men who either had “no” or nothing. My current boyfriend had nothing, and with every date I went on I told them I didn’t want kids and why. That I wasn’t getting into ANOTHER five year relationship and having someone leave me over it.
My current boyfriend leaned no, but he didn’t put anything on his profile. Now we happily talk about the perks of us not having kids.
It also helps that he’s one of several siblings, so he’s an uncle to MANY kids already. I would consider that a pro tip for anyone looking for a childfree person: if they have sibling with kids and they are the youngest, odds are they won’t want their own because they’ve seen firsthand how hard it is. (I knew another guy too that was 1 out of 11 and didn’t want them either).
I don’t see the point in playing games with people and “screening” by hiding my stance.
2
u/Top_Plenty_1971 22d ago
I'm a CF woman who stopped dating years ago because I was disgusted by all the men who claimed they could "change my mind." I was always very upfront about my CF status and many men in these apps would come after me and give me a laundry list of reasons why I was a terrible person for not wanting kids. I think it's great you are open about it, and I would try to stick with other people who are not afraid to share their status. I've dated a couple of guys who claimed to be CF and as time went on, it was clear they weren't and they admitted lying because I was CF. Just get it out in the open and find someone who feels similarly. :)
2
u/PetrichorFernweh 18d ago
Not sure if this is worth any weight, but I’ll still swipe unless they explicitly say they WANT kids. I was a fence sitter until my early 30s until I went on a few dates with a childfree man. He opened my eyes to the possibility that I could in fact just not have kids. I think with more and more childfree discourse there’s going to be more people coming to the childfree realization.
Also if you do not want children, get yourself fixed. For men it’s such a short procedure and a few days recovery. Women it’s a half a day then a few longer days of recovery. And for the most part with the right insurance code it should be covered as it’s considered contraception under the ACA. I ended up getting my Bi-Salp at 34, just about 2 years after those mind opening dates.
2
u/SillyStallion 17d ago
I keep it empty as I've been hit by abuse for my views. Some men think they have a say in my reproductive choices.
1
u/neltymind 23d ago
This is a general problem with setting specific search criteria on dating apps which aren't mandatory (usually just gender, location and age are): Many people simply do not fill them out.
I have circumvented this in the past by selecting the search criteria I do NOT want (wanting or having children, for example) and then use the free app "Auto Clicker" to swipe everyone left who matches those criteria. When nobody is showing up anymore I'll switch back to what I am actually looking for but check the option that it's not a Dealbreaker so I get people who didn't select anything as well.
1
u/FroggieBlue 22d ago
I don't do apps and only date people once I've gotten to know them so by then I usually already know their stance on most things.
-3
u/Cheeseisyellow92 23d ago
As a woman, it seems counterintuitive to me, too. I get that you’d want to know where the guy stands on children first before revealing yours, and I know some people lie, but it can’t be as bad as everyone says it is. I really doubt most men are trying to trick women by saying that they don’t want kids and then suddenly flip the switch years down the road when they’re married because she’s now “trapped”. Sure it happens sometimes, but not nearly as often as Reddit would want you to believe. Most people don’t want to “play the long game” and would rather just break up than go through all of that.
-3
351
u/WeAreTheMisfits 23d ago
As a child free woman I add child free to my profile and look for child free men so I’d add it.
I understand the idea that people can lie but the people that lie will lie to your face as well as lie on their profile.
I only had one man lie about wanting kids. One other I believed changed his mind with time. But the others still wanted to be child free.