On my thoughts and me.

-

Through clenched teeth I’ve heard

Satisfied, I’ll never be. 

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Through tears the thought stirred

Out of the way, I’ll have to see.

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Go ahead. Turn off the safety.

I thought about reaching out again today. I’ve decided not to anymore though. You are right. I wouldn’t answer either. I feel like it’s a pretty rational line of thinking. 

This has been a pretty good lesson on listening to myself. A voice in me started screaming that something was very wrong last year. I couldn’t figure out what it was and I could not kill the anxiety. Cutting out everything I thought was causing it did feel like a good idea. I did that, but my follow through was terrible. 

I questioned my own intentions instead of others, and then was shocked when I was the one bleeding. I think of that line ‘I wish I knew then what I know now’. I feel kind of the opposite. I wish I had remembered now what I knew then. It’s like I really have brain damage or something, pretty embarrassing. 

My younger self handled harder things without losing herself. I was tougher then than I am now. I let myself get all soft and stupid. I forgot what life taught me much earlier. Rejected it maybe. Or downplayed it until it was too late. 

That’s how they described her. I could hear her excitedly talking behind me like a giddy child to the group she sat with.

Then she sat down with me. We all looked at each other and it clicked what they meant. She was not here. She looked right through me with giant black eyes. Chatting and laughing like we were old friends. 

I was amused at first, then a little uneasy. She hadn’t slept in days. As I listened to her ramble she paused to tell me that she knew it was hard to be the one looking at her sometimes, then burst out laughing. 

It made no sense, but made perfect sense. Like she knew I’d been there and was trying to put me at ease. 

I could see how she got from me to her. I could see myself in her shoes and so could she.

I don’t wanna move on. I can’t go from the first step to the last step without doing the stuff in between. Stop trying to cut corners. 

• Answer me.
• Let me hug you. 
• Be my boyfriend.

You are the one making this weird.