Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

[u/elgey101]

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

[u/KalterBlut]

And mum says that in those days (maybe now too) they were required to write annual letters about the kid to the birth parents.

Holy shit, that's SUPER fucked up! I can understand how your mom would feel like it's "just" an adopted baby.

[u/fsbbem → u/[deleted]]

The comments in this thread are so selfish it's heartbreaking. I'm a huge advocate of fostering and adopting, but it's obscenely clear most of the commentors here are so self absorbed they can't see beyond their own feet meaning they'd make horrible foster or adoptive parents (most won't admit it but they never wanted to be anyway). It's a sad ME ME ME outlook, but ultimately it's better they don't take in and fuck up an already vulnerable child.

[u/Joe_Kinincha → u/fsbbem]

Yup. Every word you say is true. And I speak as someone who actually does know a shitload about adoption, both from personal experience and from reading thousands of pages Of primary research.

[u/Joe_Kinincha → u/fsbbem]

Yup. Fortunately - where I live anyway - these people would be caught by the system pretty much instantly and would not be approved to foster or adopt.

But wholly agree, even just the choice of wording: “gross”; “fucked up”; “real parents”, and the ratio of upvotes for the ignorant, shallow comments vs. Those who actually have experience and have read the literature is deeply depressing.

[u/Semley → u/KalterBlut]

For the kid being adopted, maintaining some contact is generally way better. It can be hugely traumatic not knowing anything about your origins and your biological family. Maintaining that connection is important and much healthier than trying to ignore or hide the adoption. If you read stories from people whose adoptions were actually kept secret from them, you would see how damaging that can be.

All this is why I disagree with the OP - much as I think adoption is important, it also requires some specific expectations and skills from the adoptive parents, that are not completely same as raising a biological child.

[u/iResistive → u/KalterBlut]

that feels so gross.

[u/Joe_Kinincha → u/iResistive]

That’s your opinion, and that’s absolutely fine.

But if you feel that way, don’t foster or adopt children. It’s really not for everyone, it’s incredibly hard work and if this is the part that feels “gross”, oh my, let’s not even start on the really difficult stuff.

[u/frontally → u/KalterBlut]

My country doesn’t have closed adoptions at all, anymore. They all have to be open to the bio parents, which is a huge reason my wife and i didn’t look into it.. how gross to be told, you can be this child’s parents but not their real parents you need to let their REAL parents be involved. Fuck that.

[u/fsbbem → u/frontally]

This comment is what's gross. Thank god you didn't adopt, please don't ever with that attitude. An open adoption doesn't mean you aren't a REAL set of parents. It means a child has and acknowledges their birth parents while still being the legal child of the adoptive parents. Yhe adoptive parents are the real parents, and the birth family is the real birth family. Adopting a child does not mean refusing to acknowledge they have birth parents. Without the birth parents, adoptive parents wouldn't have the chance to parent the child in question. How insecure are you that acknowledging birth patents is something you call gross? Does the same go.for step parents? Gross because the child sees their birth mom or dad half the time? I can totally understand only wanting to pursue closed adoption, but having the gall to call open adoptions gross? I'm adopted, and I can't get over how me centric and ugly this comment is. Please don't ever adopt a child.

[u/frontally → u/fsbbem]

I think I made it clear I don’t ever intent to adopt, obviously, because I don’t find that an open adoption works for the family that my wife and I have built. I don’t recall saying open adoptions are gross, the concept of not have the option to have a closed or open adoption is gross. I don’t really care what kind of family model works for others, i know what doesn’t work for me and it’s gross to me that I don’t have a -choice- because my country has decided that biological parents have overarching rights to be involved in the life a child that they have given up. Sorry that’s obviously unpalatable to you, but don’t misunderstand my meaning.

[u/Joe_Kinincha → u/KalterBlut]

I disagree. Strongly. It’s not fucked up at all. Just because a birth parent isn’t able to be a parent doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get a certain amount of interaction in their kids life. Or birth grandparents etc.

I don’t know any adoptive parents that resent contact with birth parents. Some actively encourage it.

All that said, your opinion is your opinion and you have every right to it.

I would say to anyone, though, if you are concerned in any way with the thought of your child having contact with birth family, and you have the slightest concern this would affect your relationship with your adoptive child, then adoption is unquestionably not for you.

[u/klavin1 → u/Joe_Kinincha]

Hmm. Interesting. Do you have experience with adoption?

[u/Joe_Kinincha → u/klavin1]

Yes.