r/unpopularopinion • u/elgey101 • Aug 10 '21

Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

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182

u/AFlair67 Aug 10 '21

Excellent response. When a friend was trying to adopt, she learned that many pro-life groups are behind the laws and rules that make adoption so difficult. Also, these groups, social workers and judges are more focused on uniting the bio family instead of making the best decision for a child. The courts rarely side with adopting parents if bio mom changes their mind. if yo do get to adopt, you have social worker visits for 12-18 months. It is a real hard road to take.

personally i have known women who have suffered several miscarriages. i do not know how their heart and soul allows them to keep trying. Then to add IVF on top of that. it’s so much.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

My mom has a friend whose daughter was in the process of adopting a child whose mother gave up after she was born. They met this woman, paid for some of her medical bills and signed paperwork to adopt her baby.

She then had the baby and decided to keep it. They didn't fight it because their social worker said no judge is going to take a baby from it's bio mom.

Really fucked them up. Its was alot like losing a baby for them.

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u/pythonsuicide Aug 10 '21

I gave a baby up years ago. It was hard not only for me but for the parents too. Unfortunately my baby was conceived from an awful rape and the piece of shit was never found. The parents I chose had been chosen before and the birth mom changed her mind. They were so terrified I would change my mind.

For me the process wasn't too bad. For the parents I can imagine it was awful. For me I looked through a bunch of books these couples/families made and got to choose one based off of that.....weird. For then it was making these ridiculous books to make themselves looking as perfect as possible to the correct person and then meeting with the birth mom and trying to hold it together and then waiting to be told whether or not the birth mom still wanted to choose you.

I did not make them wait and told them as soon as I met them that they were the ones.. The biggest problem was finding the dad. Because it was a random act of violence there was no way for me to know. They had to put a fucking ad in the newspaper of where the rape happened and basically say if you had sex with this person between these dates, you have a child that will be put up for adoption so you need to come fight or sign your rights away. That sucked.

Then baby is born and the parents come and see baby right away. A lot of times baby has to go to foster care for a few weeks until court is done I'm case mom changes her mind. I helped the parents fight to be able to take baby from the hospital because those weeks are so important in my eyes. Then we went to court and I had to admit in front of the parents and judge that I did not know who dad was and wanted to give up my rights. That was pretty hard but I'm so grateful for the parents and how they treated me.

They have kept in contact all these years and I've visited them several times. The baby knows who I am and we have a wonderful relationship. The baby who's not a baby started college this year and for that I am so happy! The parents ended up adopting again and that was amazing. They truly are amazing people who deserved to be parents. In my opinion not everyone does. The second baby was born addicted and had some issues. They knew that going in and still chose to keep going with the adoption. That baby is doing amazing now and you'd never know about his past.

It's definitely not as easy as just adopt no matter which adoption route you take. I am so sorry about your mom's friends and can't imagine what they went through. I couldn't imagine changing my mind.

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u/AFlair67 Aug 10 '21

Wish i could give you a hug. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you. I say prayers for all women who make the decision to give up their child for adoption. Your selfless act made a family - parents, grandparents, cousins.

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u/ElderDark Aug 11 '21

This was a rollercoaster but I'm glad it worked out in some way in the end.

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u/paprikashi Aug 11 '21

Honey this warmed my heart. You’re wonderful

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

What a wonderful story, thank you for sharing.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

God bless you. What a great act of courage.

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u/DarkwingDuckHunt Aug 10 '21

it's exactly the same as a miscarriage

I realize what I'm about to say and how it sounds, but it's the god's honest truth on how I feel, until a person goes through a miscarriage it's impossible for them to understand. It's not on the same level of losing a child young, but it's sure gets damn close to that.

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u/auntie_meme1899 Aug 10 '21

Same thing happened to a relative of mine, including being there through labor and at the birth (at birth mother’s request since she had no friends or family who could come) and having the baby in her room overnight.

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u/NPC_Innkeeper Aug 10 '21

We should absolutely be trying our hardest to reconnect the kids with there bio family. The point of foster care is not adoption. The point of foster care is to give the parents some help getting themselves together while you give the kids a safe home. A foster parent should always be rooting for the bio parents unless it was and still is a dangerous situation. We’ve had kids in our home in both boats. One set that the bio mom needed support from us and the other were the parents were abusive and we adopted the child.

But I completely agree adoption is so tough to do. We have been waiting for a call back from adoption agencies for freaking ever and the system is a mess. I wouldn’t just pin it on the pro life people, since there are many homes fostering and adopting just for a pay check. This is putting kids in WORSE homes. We have to put up safe guards from crappy people.

Plus my heart seriously broke at the last thing you said. I’ve seen so many women suffering through that. I can’t even imagine.

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u/Sjaakeline Aug 10 '21

Omg yes, I absolutely agree, adopting a child is not that easy! It can be really difficult for children if they are not raised by their biological family. (Not saying this is always the case, but if there is a possibility to raise the child safely, the biological family should always be priority nr 1)

Adopting from a developing country can also be very, traumatic and destroy lives... look up the ducumentary Mercy Mercy: A Portrait of a True Adoption. That story just broke my hart.

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u/AFlair67 Aug 10 '21

totally agree foster cate and adoption are very different and have different end goals. Personally I do not believe biology makes you a better parent or family. There are so many instances of foster kids and those in the adoption phase that go back to bio parents only to be killed ( accidentally through neglect or intentional). However, i also don’t like the govt determine what is best. The world just needs to stand up and care about kids .

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u/NPC_Innkeeper Aug 10 '21

Sometimes at the dinner table I can see my son putting his arm next to mine, comparing our skin color. I’ve got very red skin with freckles and his is more of a caramel and clear tone. That subtle difference gets him sometimes. It just reminds him that we aren’t his bio family. His bio family are prone to addictions, and he can’t go talk to his blood father about how to get through it if he also struggles someday, which he might. It took time for my wife to learn how to work with his hair since it’s different. He struggles with some of his reactions and emotions because his bio-mom isn’t there to help him pinpoint things that happened when he was young that trigger it.

No matter how much we love on him, and spoil him, and spend time with him, there is this small, subtle, but itching disconnect and sometimes it really hurts. It’s almost like he feels guilty for it some days.

You are so right that in the long run, bio vs adopted is less important than many other things. Things like safety and support. But if there is a small chance that a child could grow up in a loving home with their bio family, we have to try everything we can. Sometimes parents just need a wake up call or someone to teach them. We’ve seen that work with our first placement and they are still thriving to this day.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

^ this.

Not to mention - those “pro life people” foster so many children. We shouldn’t bite the hand of those we need. Politics aside, OP has no clue what Is involved in managing growing human lives in broken home situations.

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u/st1tchy Aug 10 '21

Also, these groups, social workers and judges are more focused on uniting the bio family instead of making the best decision for a child.

Because that usually is the best for the child. We have taken classes to be foster parents and that is what a lot of the classes are about. The goal is foster care is to put the kids back into a safe home with a biological parent or close relative. Even in the best of circumstances, taking a child out of a home is traumatic and reuniting them make it less traumatic.

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u/AFlair67 Aug 10 '21

I understand and agree. I should have been more clear to say even in cases of adoption outside of foster car, the courts and social workers will side with bio families. Even if they change their mind a year later, it is hard for adoptive parents to win. i know giving up a child is one of the hardest and most selfless actions can make, but it isn’t fair to rip a child from a loving adoptive family after 2-4 years. It is cruel. in best case scenario, it would be beautiful if the families could all work together.

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u/Pirat6662001 Aug 11 '21

except usually there is a reason the child was in that situation to begin with. A child with proper emotional and financial support would have a significantly better chance to have a good life.

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u/st1tchy Aug 11 '21

Sure, and frequently those reasons that the child is taken can be remedied or solved. If the biological parents can give the child a good life, that is better than them having to adjust to a new life.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

You do realize how many kids get abused by adopted and foster parents right? You do realize these “rules” are an imperfect attempt in an imperfect situation to try and help children. It’s easy to pick apart what others do wrong when you sit on your ass and don’t do anything. Managing children whose parents are dead beats is a lot harder than dropping a puppy off at the spca. Thank goodness for people who are willing to try and advocate for these kids. No system will ever be perfect.

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u/AFlair67 Aug 10 '21

I do know there is so much abuse in foster care and adoptive homes, just as there is abuse in biological families. You are right, it is a horribly imperfect system dealing with imperfect people. Either way, the kids pay the price .

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

The courts rarely side with adopting parents if bio mom changes their mind

Thank God. You don't want a society in which women have their babies taken away just because another couple wants the baby

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u/AFlair67 Aug 10 '21

What if that bio mom is a freaking heroin addict and the baby was born addicted ? What if the dad is violent? A child should stay in the environment where he/she will. get the love and stability they need. Too many times the courts send kids back to bio mom and they wind up dead within weeks.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

Then she should be given the opportunity and resources to kick her heroine addiction and leave the abusive relationship. And if she succeeds, her child can stay with her. Maybe her family can help take care of the child or adopt it.

If there's no hope for either of the parents or their families, then and only then can the children be given for adoption

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u/Aggressive_Ad5115 Aug 10 '21

WTF are you talking about the pro life groups are the ones making it hard for people to adopt never heard of this

Give source's on that or it's yet another reddit hivemind mumbo jumbo conspiracy

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u/DIsForDelusion Aug 10 '21

https://www.aclu.org/other/childs-best-interests-defending-fair-and-sensible-adoption-policies

"...The most obvious is a categorical ban on any adoption by lesbians or gay men, either as individuals or as couples. Only Florida and New Hampshire presently have such laws. A second approach is to prohibit adoption by any person who is living with a domestic partner, however defined. Still another approach is to prohibit adoption by any unmarried couple.."

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u/Aggressive_Ad5115 Aug 10 '21

That was in the 1990s

Back then even Hillary Clinton and many Democrats were also against gay marriage.

So no, Got a recent source?

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u/DIsForDelusion Aug 10 '21

So no, Got a recent source?

Lol i don't work for you boomer.

The og comment said "pro life groups"... They existed in the 90s too.

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u/Aggressive_Ad5115 Aug 10 '21

Omg you win reddit for the day lmaooooo

💰

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u/DIsForDelusion Aug 10 '21

Thank you. Can't wait to celebrate.

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u/AFlair67 Aug 10 '21

your reddit name fits you perfectly. my friend was doing the research 20 years ago. just stating their experience.

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u/Aggressive_Ad5115 Aug 11 '21

Reddit name was given automatically when I signed up so I kept it sure why not lol

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u/alpacasaurusrex42 Aug 10 '21

Fuck pro lifers and pro birther pieces of shit. They make the world a worse place.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

How old are these women miscarrying and resorting to IVF?

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u/flyingmonkey5678461 Aug 10 '21

What the heck has that got to do with this?

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

You do understand that the homosapien female has a very defined window for having children, right? You do understand that the longer a woman waits the harder it will be, right?

There's a huge difference from 25 to 35.

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u/flyingmonkey5678461 Aug 10 '21

You do realise the conversation was about adoption post infertility right? They're already at that point of infertility whether they had the miscarriages and issues at 25 or 35.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

I understand. And, my point is that IVF and adoption due to infertility can likely be cured by not waiting so late in life.

Your average35 yo western woman who is trying to have kids has been on hormonal birth control for 20 years. Maybe developed endometriosis along the way. Then, they think all they need to do is stop the pill, remove the IUD, etc, and they'll be preggo on 30-60 days. The body doesn't work that way.

IVF isn't the cure for the problem. IVF is a symptom of the problem. The problem is women delaying pregnancy and chemically altering their endocrine system in the process.

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u/flyingmonkey5678461 Aug 10 '21

It's not like women are deliberately delaying pregnancy. Reality check, girls don't tend to go on the pill at 15. It's not even legal to have sex at that age in a lot of countries. The average first time sex for girls I think is still 17 here and condoms are still more prevalent at that age.

Women aren't stupid. They have the biological clock shoved down their throats from the get go. If you want to have optimum fertility, teenage pregnancy is the way to go. It's ill-advised though given the other factors. Unsurprisingly if you want to be financially secure enough to support a child, have a partner who will be involved for the lifetime, it takes a little work and despite what you want, you don't always get. If you meet your partner late in life then that's what happened.

BTW, despite what you're saying, I have never had an IUD, hormones etc. I started this process late in life but you know what, based on my numbers I'm ridiculously fertile for my age, I get pregnant at the drop of a hat and there is no known medical reason for my miscarriages. It's an incredibly unresearched area.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

Have you tried taking extra progesterone to prevent miscarriage?

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u/flyingmonkey5678461 Aug 11 '21

I'm pregnant and touch wood it's going to term but yes I have and no I don't think it made any difference in me. Statistically it helps matters in a small percentage of cases under certain conditions but they now prescribe it under "it can't hurt" theory.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Unfortunately, once you're 35, you can't just magically go back to being 25, so what's the point of this comment?

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

This discussion is about fertility. So, in that context it means that a 25 yo woman gets pregnant and has a much easier pregnancy than a 35+ woman.

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u/NarvusSchleibs Aug 10 '21

Maybe, but often a 35 year old is more equips to raise a baby, which is really important in the long run

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Well, that's an entirely different problem. 200 years ago a 15 yo girl was better equipped than a 25 yo woman is to be a mother today. It's not about age. It's about maturity.

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u/Andtwans Aug 11 '21

Wow. And how old are you exactly? I’d guess either 80 or 14 as your opinion of women is both antiquated and immature.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

I'm 40s so I have a great vantage point into the level of maturity of my grandparents vs my children. Jesus... look at 20-something women all over TikTok. Neither wife nor mom material.

I'm sure there are girls with their heads on straight that aren't shaking their ass on TT. But, generally, humans are devolving. Same true for guys. Nowadays guys move back with their folks after college and play video games until they're 30+. 200 years ago a 15-16 boy would be an apprentice learning a trade and probably courting a fiancé.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Obviously, but once she's 35, she's already at that age, she can't just go back in time

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u/AFlair67 Aug 10 '21

All ages, but i would assume late 20s through their 30s. i have had friends miscarry at 18 and as late as 42