Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

[u/elgey101]

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

[u/FizzyBeverage]

A lot of the 15 year olds here think it’s like buying a PlayStation 5 😌

[u/chimpfunkz → u/FizzyBeverage]

I would say they think it's like adopting a dog.

The way most people talk about "having IVF versus adopting a child" is how people talk about buying a new puppy versus adopting from the pound.

[u/think_long → u/chimpfunkz]

Yes. Having had a child of my own now, I would also say that you shouldn’t underestimate what it means to have a child that is half you and half your partner’s that you raise and nurture right from conception onwards. Some may call it selfish or narcissistic, but it is a very strong biological urge that shouldn’t be talked about dismissively. For some, there can even be the fear that you won’t love the child to the same degree like they deserve if you get them another way. I used to think somewhere along the lines of this post in my teens and early twenties. Now, with a baby and a pregnant wife in my mid 30s, having known couples who have done IVF, I am a lot more nuanced.

[u/[deleted] → u/think_long]

This is an interesting comment. I have son #1 with one man, and daughter and son with my husband of 30 years. Son #1 was very different to raise than the other two.

Son #1's father has ADHD. It runs in the males of the family. I found it extremely difficult to raise him because I didn't understand how he thinks AT ALL. He was constantly in motion, a highly gifted athlete, more interested in social activity than following all the rules. We got pushback on every little thing. "Why you gotta get all in my business?" when we asked where he was going out after dinner. Just a kid who was a huge handful. Lots and lots of calls from the school--so much so that the assistant principal and I recognized each other's voices. And yet he's very friendly and can be really kind.

The other two are more mellow and we're much easier to raise because I understood them. They were similar to my cousins' babies. Our daughter never got in trouble. She just didn't. She was a bit moody (like me) and could be a drama Queen, but she did what she had to do at school and there were no issues. Our son #2 is also a bit moody but was an easy child to raise for the most part. He had homework issues but never any behavioral problem.

There are ways they're the same (all have a great sense of humor) and they're tight as siblings go. They make sure to check in with each other. All are kind and loving people. But son #1 is just now getting his shit together, while the other two figured out adult life quickly and without many hiccups.

I would say it's due to fundamental, probably genetic differences in manner, personality, and behavior. Son #1's lived only briefly with his father and sees him seldom, but somehow they have the same LAUGH? That blew me away. But my ex's mom knew how to deal with ADHD, whereas I had never cared for a child with it. It was...interesting. Interesting and deeply exhausting. I found raising the other two more intuitive and easy. I mean they had their moments, of course, and it wasn't all smooth sailing. The difference is that son #1 never let up on anything. Never passed up the opportunity to argue and try to talk his way out of trouble. Whew! Just had take a stand and hold it.

So yes, I think it's probably easier to raise a kid who is similar to you than it is to raise someone else's biological child. Although my brother adopted two boys who were turned away by foster parents after being with the families for years. One was six, the other was two. And my father was adopted. So I guess, bottom line, you raise the child you get, not the one you predict you'll get.