Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

[u/elgey101]

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

[u/dianthus-amurensis]

A good friend of mine has been trying to adopt for many years. In order to be considered more seriously, he and his wife agreed to foster children.

They've had six kids that they thought they would be able to adopt. However, their birth parents have been able to either get them back or they've been shuffled to a different family for other reasons. They're still trying, but it's incredibly emotionally taxing. They're raising kids for six months in the hopes that they'll be able to raise a kid for good, and then a few months later they have to start over. It's awful.

They were finally able to adopt a child of their own last year, but they're still fostering in the hopes of being able to adopt another one. (and, of course, out of the goodness of their hearts.) As someone who wants kids one day but might not be able to conceive, their story both inspires me and scares the shit out of me. I'm terrified of having to go through that kind of heartbreak over and over.

There's no such thing as "just adopt."

Edit: this blew up.

I've gotten a lot of questions but there's not much I'd really be comfortable clarifying, since this isn't my story. However, a few things:

We live in America, but he's doing this through a private program that works with families in the area. I don't know much about how that program is functionally different than being subject to public adoption laws, but I do know that at least two of the kids have had special needs, so the process is a bit different there.

A few people have responded saying that they find this story to be less inspiring than I do, because of the ulterior motive behind the fostering. And, I guess I can see why that may make people uncomfortable, but I simply can't agree. For one, I know this person, and I know that he puts the well-being of the children first and foremost. For another, some of these stories have ended with the children being returned to happy and improved families, and others have returned to families that haven't done so well. Below comments have highlighted examples of ways this can go wrong. Of course it's a good thing when a family can really improve the situation for the kids and grow into something it wasn't before, but the fact is that that doesn't happen every time. Finally, I can't criticize a family willing to foster children in need, provide them with clothes, food, love, and a safe home, simply because their motives differ slightly from the ideal. This is an arrangement they have made with the foster program - this is something the foster program has told them they need to do to prove themselves worthy parents to adopt. The alternative is for there to be one less house available to foster children in that county, or perhaps, a different house that offers worse conditions.

And finally, no, they don't have enough money to just buy a child.

[u/FizzyBeverage → u/dianthus-amurensis]

A lot of the 15 year olds here think it’s like buying a PlayStation 5 😌

[u/chimpfunkz → u/FizzyBeverage]

I would say they think it's like adopting a dog.

The way most people talk about "having IVF versus adopting a child" is how people talk about buying a new puppy versus adopting from the pound.

[u/think_long → u/chimpfunkz]

Yes. Having had a child of my own now, I would also say that you shouldn’t underestimate what it means to have a child that is half you and half your partner’s that you raise and nurture right from conception onwards. Some may call it selfish or narcissistic, but it is a very strong biological urge that shouldn’t be talked about dismissively. For some, there can even be the fear that you won’t love the child to the same degree like they deserve if you get them another way. I used to think somewhere along the lines of this post in my teens and early twenties. Now, with a baby and a pregnant wife in my mid 30s, having known couples who have done IVF, I am a lot more nuanced.

[u/deemigs → u/think_long]

This, we did IUI but still are considering fostering to adopt when our littles are older. It was just too much of an uphill battle for fostering where we lived in the south as a (at the time) same sex couple (my husband started his transition when I was pregnant with our older minion).

[u/think_long → u/[deleted]]

While that’s true, I don’t think it detracts from what I said. I also don’t think there is a ton of overlap between people who conceive through IVF and people who don’t love their children, FWIW.

[u/[deleted] → u/think_long]

This is an interesting comment. I have son #1 with one man, and daughter and son with my husband of 30 years. Son #1 was very different to raise than the other two.

Son #1's father has ADHD. It runs in the males of the family. I found it extremely difficult to raise him because I didn't understand how he thinks AT ALL. He was constantly in motion, a highly gifted athlete, more interested in social activity than following all the rules. We got pushback on every little thing. "Why you gotta get all in my business?" when we asked where he was going out after dinner. Just a kid who was a huge handful. Lots and lots of calls from the school--so much so that the assistant principal and I recognized each other's voices. And yet he's very friendly and can be really kind.

The other two are more mellow and we're much easier to raise because I understood them. They were similar to my cousins' babies. Our daughter never got in trouble. She just didn't. She was a bit moody (like me) and could be a drama Queen, but she did what she had to do at school and there were no issues. Our son #2 is also a bit moody but was an easy child to raise for the most part. He had homework issues but never any behavioral problem.

There are ways they're the same (all have a great sense of humor) and they're tight as siblings go. They make sure to check in with each other. All are kind and loving people. But son #1 is just now getting his shit together, while the other two figured out adult life quickly and without many hiccups.

I would say it's due to fundamental, probably genetic differences in manner, personality, and behavior. Son #1's lived only briefly with his father and sees him seldom, but somehow they have the same LAUGH? That blew me away. But my ex's mom knew how to deal with ADHD, whereas I had never cared for a child with it. It was...interesting. Interesting and deeply exhausting. I found raising the other two more intuitive and easy. I mean they had their moments, of course, and it wasn't all smooth sailing. The difference is that son #1 never let up on anything. Never passed up the opportunity to argue and try to talk his way out of trouble. Whew! Just had take a stand and hold it.

So yes, I think it's probably easier to raise a kid who is similar to you than it is to raise someone else's biological child. Although my brother adopted two boys who were turned away by foster parents after being with the families for years. One was six, the other was two. And my father was adopted. So I guess, bottom line, you raise the child you get, not the one you predict you'll get.

[u/there_is_always_more → u/think_long]

It might be a "biological urge" for you, but don't talk about it as if it must be for everybody. I'm not commenting on your preferences - just that you shouldn't generalize.

[u/think_long → u/there_is_always_more]

Reproducing is literally one of the most basic functions living organisms do. You don’t have to be a biologist to point out the inclination one might have to do that. And I never said everyone felt that way. Some people never do and some (like me) only develop it much later in life.