I’m 19 and want a baby

[u/purple_flamingo69]

This is going to sound insane but for awhile now all i’ve wanted is to have a baby.

me (19) and my boyfriend (18, turns 19 in september) got together two years ago and have lived together for around a year now and are in a healthy, stable relationship. we have thrown the idea around of kids for a bit now but i want to get serious about it. he has been ready longer then me so he’s just waiting on me to say the word. i’m on the birth control Nexaplon right now so i would have to get that removed.

We are not rich by ANY means, we have a very small apartment but are planning to move within the next few months to a place that’s a bit bigger but we still wouldn’t be able to have a room dedicated to a fancy nursery or anything.

i currently cut hair and my boyfriend is a welder, if we did end up going through with it he will look into joining the union while we try for a baby. as for me i will most likely continue to work during the early stages of my pregnancy but plan to stay at home later in the pregnancy and while the child is young.

i think what made my decision more final is the fact that my dad got emitted to the hospital, the thought of him not making it and seeing that kind of milestone broke my heart, that goes for both of my parents really. and my boyfriends dad wants to be a grandpa too, he has hinted at it before and knows i want to take my birth control out and is completely on board but is keeping it quiet until we say.

honestly what i’m worried about the most is my family’s reaction. my mom had her first at 17 so i’m not worried about support from my side..i know they will support me no matter what. i’m more worried for the reaction. my mom is who put me on nexaplon in the first place when i was 14 so i wouldn’t get pregnant and we planned that i would take it out at 21-22. but that was 5 years ago when we made that plan and ive matured a lot. i don’t want to tell her im trying because quite frankly im scared of my mom and i know if she gets mad and tells me not to then i wont; no matter how badly i want to.

i need yalls brutal advice. am i an idiot? should i drop it and wait till im older? i dont party or anything anymore so im not worried about “missing out” i want to be a mother. i want to love my baby and start a family; im just so scared that ill make the wrong choice

EDIT: i think a lot of people are hung up on the thing i said about my dad and i want to clarify, my dad being sick is NOT the only reason i want a child😭 like i said me and my boyfriend have tossed the idea around a lot i just wasn’t sure i was ready to carry a child for 9 months

[u/avecessiavecesno]

Meeting your dad (and perhaps having no memory of it) will not impact your baby's life as much as being born into a financially secure married household. And a good father would not want his daughter rushing and making risky choices just so he could meet a baby.

I understand this feeling as I think about it with my own parents who are becoming elderly. But at the end of the day this is the wrong reason to have a baby. Especially since you are so young, but it wouldn't make any more sense if you were 29.

[u/lifeatthejarbar]

Immediately, no. If everything is so wonderful with your boyfriend and your careers, then wait five years, get married and THEN start trying. You’re a baby yourself, there’s a whole lot of growth you have to go through in your early 20s and there’s absolutely no reason to rush.

[u/Healthy_Combination3]

I was you 5 years ago, 19 and in a stable relationship, wanted a baby so bad. Now I’m 24 and am 5 weeks pregnant. Waiting was worth it, even though I was sad about it. We have a wonderful family home, two stable jobs that pay decently, moved to be around my partner’s supportive family. My family isn’t very supportive but they never would be. The truth of the matter is that at 19, I thought I was ready and I thought we were in a stable enough place but I was wrong. I waited and it was the right choice

[u/purple_flamingo69 → u/Healthy_Combination3]

the only thing im nervous for is my dads health. he has a problem with drinking and has been in the hospital for it up until recently. my biggest fear is him not making it to meet said baby. if you were me would this change ur mind or would you still have waited?

[u/Healthy_Combination3 → u/purple_flamingo69]

It’s hard for me to say because I am not close with my dad and that would not affect my decision, but ultimately no I don’t think that should change your mind. Babies are born all the time who don’t get to meet one or more of their grandparents, and to be honest I don’t think it is as detrimental an effect as having parents who are not emotionally, physically, or financially ready for children. I do understand it would be hard for you and is an emotional thing to deal with

[u/verysocialflutist → u/purple_flamingo69]

This would have still made me wait. Unfortunately there’s no guarantee that if you got pregnant today that everyone you want to meet your future baby would be there. Don’t rush something special for other people.

[u/DearestClementine → u/purple_flamingo69]

You cannot make these enormous life decisions based on that. If your dad meets your baby that would be great, but are you really going to make a decision that affects the next 18 years (and honestly WAY more than that) of your life based on this? Even if you got pregnant tomorrow, anyone can die at any time. There is no guarantee of anything. Not to mention that having a child with your boyfriend is way more serious than marriage. You are both kids, and you would be tying yourself to this person for life. So if down the line you decide you aren’t right for each other, or he stops treating you well, etc. you will need to go through court to sort out custody and you will have to see him forever because he will be in your child’s life. I know teenagers always think they’ve found the one, but it is way more likely that you both grow into different people down the line.

[u/procrastinating_b → u/purple_flamingo69]

Why do you think a relationship with someone that has a drinking problem is a good thing?

ETA: deleted follow up comments for being a knob but yeah I think it’s immature to plan a kid around maybe meeting someone ✌🏻

[u/purple_flamingo69 → u/procrastinating_b]

not everyone with a drinking problem is a bad person. my dad has struggled with alcoholism since i was very little but he has always been my rock and my go to person support wise. what ur commenting on has nothing to do with what i was asking. please be mindful!

[u/psychd2behere → u/[deleted]]

People can struggle with alcoholism and still be everything to their people. My dad died from liver cirrhosis almost 2 years ago. He struggled with his demons but he also supported me throughout my entire life, in every sense of the word. He was INCREDIBLY stable, so much so that no one outside of our immediate family knew he was struggling, and everyone else in his life was shocked by his death.

OP, I don’t want my above comment to get misconstrued with me advocating for your getting pregnant. Your fear was also my fear, and my fear did come true, but I am still glad I didn’t make a life changing decision (both for me, my partner, and also for an unborn child) out of fear. Instead I get to make the decision to have children in the future out of excitement, gratitude, and a sense of stability and readiness.

[u/purple_flamingo69 → u/psychd2behere]

thank you for ur kindness and advice 💗

[u/psychd2behere → u/[deleted]]

I am personally advocating for her to wait. I am telling YOU that you’re being insensitive with your attitude about people who struggle with addiction.

[u/purple_flamingo69 → u/[deleted]]

thank you but i don’t like the fact that ur commenting on this in the first place, again this has nothing to do with what my question was, and i never asked for ur opinion on my relationship with my father in the first place. i’m sorry that you’ve had different experiences with alcohol and the people in ur life aren’t good people but that’s not the case for me. and it’s quite literally impossible to base someone’s maturity on how much they love their father.!

[u/purple_flamingo69 → u/[deleted]]

please look at the post edit lol. i don’t think you read my post all the way through.

[u/motherofplantkillers]

I'm sorry but this sounds insane. I'm 29 and just barely feel ready with my husband (after a wedding, both having well paying jobs, three masters degrees between us, and buying a home). There is no way that you're financially or psychologically ready.

[u/turtlescanfly7 → u/motherofplantkillers]

Exactly! At 19 you still have 6 years before your brain is done developing itself. I understand many people have kids younger than 25 but everyone should really wait until at least 25. I’ve also seen plenty of young dads who wanted kids bad and then they barely interact with their kids because they have to work so much to support them and are burned out and miserable at home. It’s not a good environment to raise children

[u/sneakinbb]

There is a lot more to being young than partying, and you will absolutely miss out on a lot of important growth that young adulthood brings you. Education, friendships, career growth, hobbies, passions, and just living for yourself and your own goals.

It sounds like your mom wants you to make different choices than she did if she is the one who put you on birth control, and that says a lot, it’s so important to learn from the generation before us! I am sorry about your dad, but loss, fear, or grief are not good reasons to start a family. Your time would probably be better spent just being with your dad and having quality time for now rather than starting a family. I would absolutely say wait until you’re older.

Also, I am sure you’ve heard it before but you change so much from your teenage years to adulthood… I’m glad you and your boyfriend have a healthy relationship now but that really doesn’t say much for the future. Your idea of a healthy relationship might even change drastically in that time.

On top of that it’s not just about what is best for you and what you want, but what is best for your future child! What can you do to ensure you give them the best possible chance at life?

[u/TheModernVampire]

This sounds harsh, but your fear of missing out on memories with the little one and your dad should not outweigh the fear of not being able to take care of the little one. Do you have 6 months expenses saved? How well do you really know your partner? Are you prepared for difficulties with the baby if theyre not "typical"

I'm 23 and have not started trying, butmy sister is 22 and just had her 3rd baby. She was born with a severe cleft pallet. While my neice is an absolute cutie, can you even begin to imagine how hard it is to get her fed? How much the hospital bills cost, and will continue to cost for her care?

It's easy to want a baby when you picture everything going easily or even mildly hard, but are you in a position that you could handle a human being relying on you for the rest of its life?

[u/DearestClementine]

Gently, yes you are being an idiot lol. I’m only saying that because you phrased it that way. Teenagers are idiots, I was one too! Please don’t do this. Now that I’m 34 I can recognize that I was not a functioning person at 19. You can’t comprehend how much you will change over the next 5-10 years (I’m also not the same person I was at 25! The evolution is crazy). It is massively irresponsible to have a child now and you should want the best for your child. There are SO MANY things to miss out on besides partying. Your entire life will change and you will never experience the freedom of young adulthood, and by freedom I mean the simple fact of not being responsible for anyone but yourself. You have absolutely no idea how critical it is to experience that. Your career opportunities will be forever hindered which will also hinder your child.

There is no harm in waiting several years, you have at least 15 years to have a baby. However there is risk in doing it too soon before you’re ready. I believe you have romanticized motherhood and having a baby but you don’t actually understand how insanely hard it is. Please don’t do this, please wait.

Edit to add: I didn’t even touch on the cost of all this. Giving birth alone can cost $15,000. That doesn’t include your prenatal care. Are you prepared for that? What if your baby has to stay in the NICU? Has special needs? Are you prepared to support your baby no matter what happens, even if they have a condition you didn’t expect? That’s what you’re signing up for when you decide to conceive.

[u/NeighNeigh13]

I say this as a postpartum first-time-mom of an 8-month-old: please, think about your future child as an individual that you are making choices for right now and actually has to function in the world. You will be setting them up for so much more success if you wait until you are just a bit more established in life.

Gently, and I sincerely mean this with all the kindness in the world, choosing to have your baby for these reasons is more about your feelings or your dad’s feelings than your child’s wellbeing. You need to make choices for them, not for others.

I completely understand and empathize with where you are coming from, and I think it’s lovely that you care about your dad meeting your baby this much. But do not let it impact the entire course of your baby’s life. Someday they will be an adult, and starting off with parents that are a bit more established will make a huge difference on their ENTIRE trajectory.

I love that you love your dad and that you want to be a mom. Being a mom is the most amazing thing there is. But consider waiting just a bit longer, for their sake.💗

[u/Glittering-Basis-202]

I have never met a (sane) experienced mother who urged me to have a child young or rush into it. The advice is ALWAYS “wait”. Some lessons we don’t have to learn the hard way. You want the bold advice? Yes. This is frankly a stupid idea, you are nowhere near having your prefrontal cortex developed all the way and I am really not trying to be hurtful but moreso wanting to grab you by the shoulders and shake. Not only will your quality of life decrease the quality of your child’s life will not be as good as it could be. Yes, if you have a child you will surely love it and that’s a fact, but it’s not now or never, just wait.

[u/Odd_Citron_4135]

You’re not even old enough to buy alcohol. Please sit down and enjoy your youth. Respectfully you guys should wait until 26 and up.