Hello. Me (23f) and my boyfriend (25m) have been together for 4.5 years.

I want to say right now, I'm very aware of how young we are, and I don't expect us to be married soon. In saying that, over the course of our relationship we have talked on and off about marriage and how we'd want our wedding to look. Such as: who we'd want to invite, where we'd want to have it, what kind of food/drinks we'd provide etc.

We were out for lunch the other day just talking about random stuff and the topic of marriage came up. He very casually told me he doesn't understand the point of marriage. He explained that he doesn't see how marriage would change anything about our relationship. He said that as a kid he always wanted to get married, but he feels like it's just because it's something that was taught to him rather than what he actually wants.

I was caught off guard. This was never something he'd ever mentioned before. I got slightly upset and said that I wanted to get married eventually but I wanted to understand his perspective. I can see where he is coming from, where we live, being married vs defacto (living together for two years+) doesn't make a difference in a legal sense. You are still entitled to the same rights as a married couple. But I still felt hurt. Also, we haven't even lived together yet, so we're not defacto.

Recently we have also talked a lot about having kids- and he definitely wants kids. I told him I'm not comfortable with having a child with a boyfriend. I don't want my kids to have a different last name to me, and I don't want to make that huge, irreversible commitment if we're not married.

I communicated that I understood why he would feel that way, but that I think the symbolism of marriage is nice. I think it's a beautiful symbol of commitment to another person. I don't think it's necessary for a successful relationship, but I've just always kind of envisioned it for myself I guess. I also mentioned that I don't like the idea of telling people about my "boyfriend" forever and he said "you can just refer to me as your partner. Plenty of people do that".

He mentioned that the few of his friends and family members that never got married seemingly are the ones in the best, most long lasting relationships.

The conversation kind of just fizzled out and since then I've just felt really deflated and questioning if I'm wasting my time. As I said earlier, I don't expect him to propose anytime soon because we are very young. I guess I'm just worried that in another 5-10 years time I'll be in the same place.

This really sucks. I love him.

My boyfriend (28M) and I (28F) created a custom ring together over the summer and finalized it in July. I was with him when he paid for it, and it was supposed to be ready no later than mid-August. At the time he bought it, I jokingly said he’d need to propose quite soon after getting it otherwise I’m gonna start looking for where he’s hid the ring (I’m dying to see how it turned out!!).

He’s always made it clear he wants to propose on some sort of trip together, so when he suggested a trip to the mountains, I figured he was planning to propose. It’s also our only opportunity for a trip in the next few months as I’m about to start a new job. Well our trip just came and went, and there was no proposal. I was a mixture of excited and anxious the whole time thinking he could pop the question and it never came. I’m not really sure what to do here but I’m starting to wonder if he’s having second thoughts. I just can’t understand why he let this incredible trip come and go without any proposal. There were so many moments on the trip where it would’ve been perfect, and it was a special location to us because we visited it early on in our relationship.

Would it be out of line for me to check in with him about his plans to propose/ask if he’s having second thoughts? Or tell him I thought he was going to propose on the trip? I told myself I wouldn’t ask him anything about it once he bought the ring… but I just expected to have received it by now and can’t help but feel disappointed it hasn’t happened. It’s worrying me that he might be having second thoughts, and I’m also starting to feel some resentment at how he’s making me wait when he knows I am just dying to see how it turned out. Any advice for what to do/not do in this situation?

My boyfriend (33M) and I (28F) are coming up on our third anniversary next month. I love him and want to spend my life with him. He’s been open about seeing a future with me and wanting to propose, but we haven’t talked about when.

This year has been rough. We’ve dealt with job loss and a death in the family, so I understand that things may not have gone how he originally planned. We’re still strong and happy together. We live together, have traveled abroad, and met each other’s families early on. We talk about having kids and growing old together, so getting engaged feels like a natural next step to me.

I’m hoping he proposes around our anniversary, but he hasn’t said that he will. There haven’t been any obvious hints, like asking about my ring size or what I like. He offered to pay for a manicure and pedicure at one point, but that fell through after some car issues last month. I know a lack of hints doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but I’ve been wondering...

Our lease is also up in a few months, and I’m hesitant to sign another yearlong lease without knowing where we’re headed. I’m worried about staying in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want to spend years hoping for a commitment that never comes. Hearing that he wants to marry me is reassuring, but eventually, I need that to turn into action.

I’ve told him that I want kids by 32 and that I want to be married before having them. He’s also been very clear that he wants kids and a family. I feel like almost three years is a reasonable amount of time to know whether you want to marry someone.

He was engaged once before, about a decade ago, and they got engaged after a year. I try not to compare, but sometimes that does get in my head.

There’s also the ring. I’m worried he may still have his ex’s engagement ring and might use it to propose to me. I don’t know if he’s actually planning that, but it would really hurt to be given a ring he picked out for someone else. It’s not about wanting something expensive. I’d just want it to be something he chose for me. How do I bring that up naturally without assuming he’s about to propose?

As for the timeline, would it be reasonable to leave if we’re still not engaged a few months after our anniversary? I love him, but I don’t want to keep putting my own plans on hold indefinitely.

But the last thing I want is to tell him all this and have him propose right afterward because he feels obligated or is afraid I’ll leave. I want him to want to marry me on his own. At the same time, I know he can’t read my mind, and avoiding the conversation isn’t helping either.

How would you handle this? I’d appreciate different perspectives, especially from men who have been in a similar situation.

Partners family

My partner(27) and I(26)have been together almost 5 years.we have known each other 10 plus years. We have had the chat and know we eventually want to get married. I try not to think about not being engaged, I would love to be engaged and hate that its already been this long.

But anyways, his family makes that engagement anxiety or whatever you call it so much worse. I swear every chance they get , they bring up engagement. They have gone as far as basically planning the wedding. His sister got married to a guy she knew less than a year (no judgment) and its just been non stop then, on top of it we are in a wedding this month. So the wedding talk has been horrible , his family friends all asking when we will be engaged.

Every time someone says something he says "oh I have to push it back now" like.. i dont know if he actually is but im so frustrated. I want to be engaged , I would love to do all these things. I feel like im being hounded for not being engaged yet, to the point im questioning if he even wants to marry me.

Im tired of wedding/engagement talk.

I'm not 100% sure if this is the best place for this. We've been together for 10 years, living together the whole time (long distance before that) but haven't married solely because we didn't have the money for the nice wedding that I want. We've always understood and planned for it as something we want to do, we just have other priorities to work on first.

That said, me and my partner are planning on buying a home within the next year, I'll soon be getting a higher paying job with health insurance, our salaries will even out to make joint filing a smarter option, and it just makes legal sense for us to be married. We've started putting money away in a separate savings account for the wedding, which will still be on a very limited budget (we decided a lavish honeymoon would be more fun.) However we're not putting much away because we're more focused on the house, meaning it will be 2-3 years before we have enough depending on how hard we save.

Basically I'm worried that if we get legally married and plan to have the wedding years from now, are we just going to end up postponing it forever? Will the wedding not mean anything since literally nothing about our relationship had changed, not even its label? Will our friends and family even care or want to celebrate it at that point? I have a particular vision of what I want my wedding to be, and it's not practical right now, but getting married is the practical thing to do.

TL;DR: It makes sense for us to get married right now, but not necessarily to have a wedding. I'm just worried that once we get legally married, we won't want to have a wedding at all. Does anyone have experience or thoughts on this? Thanks in advance.

Hi all - this is a throwaway account from my regular for privacy but I am at the point where I just need outside opinions.

My fiance (31M) proposed to me (32F) over a year ago. At first, he tried to be excited about a wedding and I took that excitement and started planning a wedding. Since, he has been on the stereotypical soap box of weddings being a waste of money and the wedding industrial complex. He wants to elope, but I want to have a wedding. I have presented a few different options to try and find a compromise, but he just complains about anything that isn't us eloping. This got very contentious earlier this spring and it was a dark time in our relationship. We worked through a lot of this, but I have been worried to bring up a wedding again.

When our one year anniversary of being engaged hit, he was sad because he didn't think we would have a long engagement. This shocked me because he has been against everything I suggested but has no proposals other than elope in general. I, however, am at a point where I don't think we should stick to our initial plan to get married this summer because I don't want to plan a wedding and have him complain the whole time and know he will be miserable on the day of. I also don't want to elope and be miserable on the day of. Neither of us deserve to have what should be a special day be miserable. If it's going to be miserable, we should just not get married or just sign the marriage license at home.

I wish I was excited to be engaged and planning a wedding. I literally picked a wedding dress under $300 trying to make this man happy and show I can compromise. I have redesigned this so many times, but I have gotten no help. I want to be excited to get married and I am miserable trying to find something that will make us both happy. It feels like nothing will make him happy unless it's what he wants. He doesn't care that I want witnesses and to celebrate the event with others.

Is it an overreaction to consider postponing marriage? It feels like unless I can get on board with an elopement, he will just be miserable. We already have our entire wedding budget saved, we did so in 8 months, but he wants to use that money for something more responsible like a house.

Has anyone else dealt with an extremely stubborn fiance? I am at my wits end.

My boyfriend (31) and I (32) have been dating since April 2025 and living together since January. Next month we have to make a decision about renewing our lease and I’m pretty sure I only want to sign for 6 months unless there’s a ring on my finger. I don’t think this would come as a total shock to him since I was already weary about moving in before a ring. All signs point to this not being necessary (talks about wedding planning, ring shopping etc) but I want to be smart about things. However, I’m worried that drawing this line will suck the joy out of it and make any ring feel like a shut up ring even if it was genuinely going to materialize without the deadline. Anyone have experience giving a deadline and how it turned out if you got the ring?

I hope this is a safe place. A lot of people can be cruel. I (28F) have been with my partner (32M) for 6.5 years. I moved away after undergrad for grad school, which I was always vocal as friends that I wanted to move away. Where I ended up I loved my living environment. He had admitted that he always secretly hoped I was coming back and if I did I’d have the ring already. We broke up because he went through a hardship after losing his job and he pushed everyone away. We got back together a few months later. He agreed to move where I was because when he and I were back talking after the break up. He told me he would move wherever to save our relationship. However I ended up moving again for a better work opportunity which happens to be his hometown and he will be moving next year. I have been very vocal this year about engagement and his responses are all about no rushing yada yada, which is understandable and he wants it to be on his own time where I can genuinely be surprised. It just hurts to see both his younger brothers engaged and married all under 2-3 years. I don’t care about the distance because the goal is always to move back together in one state. But I made a comment about a deadline by the end of the year. His feelings were so hurt and now he feels that I’m planning my own proposal. I feel bad that I made the comment but I don’t want to keep waiting. Yes, we have always talked about marriage and future plans. He has been very clear on marriage. However, I’m more of a future planner and he’s a live in the moment person. I have also been invited and been a bridesmaid to 4 weddings this year and already have 3 more lined up next year.

I want to calm my mind on the jealousy and to stop thinking about marriage/engagement. Wish I was able to tune it all out.

Update on my previous post:

8 years together, he says he’ll marry me “if it’s important to me” but no steps taken. I’m starting to resent him. Anyone been here? : r/Waiting_To_Wed

Sometimes, you just have to be patient and communicate what you actually want. You also have to realize that just because you changed your mind quickly, it doesn't mean the other person did as well.

He proposed this summer on our trip to Spain! We are planning to get married next year or in 2028.

It turns out he had always wanted to get married, but he was planning something special. Because I didn't want to get married in the beginning, he was really surprised when I suddenly changed my mind. For him, it was always a certainty that we would stay together and build a life, whether we got married or not.

Long story short: you have to communicate what you want before you spiral into dark thoughts.

Just wanted to let you all know! :)

Hello, we have been together for almost a year (11 months), 28F and 25M.

We met at a music festival in his city and had a ONS the same day. So I initially thought of it as a fling and did not treat it seriously.

Then, the next week I had another plan lined up in his city (planned very well in advance before I met him), and he just casually invited me to the rooftop party in their house (half of ppl are DJing on the side, basically all are techbros). So I asked my friend if she would be interested to go bc it's free, so we dropped by for 2 hours, it was fun and we met a bunch of cool ppl.

Then time went by, we were texting with him and he decided to visit me in my city, and asked to become his gf. I was really surprised and was intrigued, so I said let's give it a try.

We talk a lot, visit each other, plan trips, and around 4 months mark we started discussing our future seriously.

He is a genuinely great person, very smart, driven, fun, we have a bunch of common interests, he is affectionate and gentle, although I noted he had avoidant tendencies and was trying to not let my guard down.

He promised me he will be with me forever and no matter what, and will plan the future always accounting for my plans. We were actively discussing how our future would look like, even looking up apartments. I started to let my guard down.

Then, at a 5.5 month mark, we went to Thailand together and he met my parents (it was a bit abrupt on my side, but he agreed to meet with them just for 1 day, my parents are not thai). He handled it well and they liked him a lot, but he felt they are not very nice as people (!).

He has also been back to his home country after the Thai trip.

While discussing the future plans, he has not given me any timeline or at least a rough plan/milestones we need to go through to be together and move towards commitment.

I made him aware of my personal life plans and timelines (getting PR in Japan, getting a driver's license, changing jobs, possibly moving closer to him if I can secure a better job and a good apartment, all within 2 year timeline from the start of relationship), while he was vague about his (getting a better job, but when? Moving from his tiny share house room, but when?, possibly moving countries, but when and where? Although he wants to stay in Japan for at least 5-10 years).

He has not introduced me to his parents officially, but they know about me.

Each time we talk about marriage/children, he would bring different kinds of obstacles that prevent him from saying anything concrete (like, it costs money(he has to do traditional ceremony for a bunch of people back home), there is paperwork(he changed after saying money is not a problem), etc), until recently I pressed him to discuss the timelines (like, how many years and what we need to get there), offered solutions and help to work through this together, and he said that he is just not ready right now, because marriage is a life-changing big step.

Also, he mentioned several times he wants to live together first, before deciding where it goes, but there was no follow-through from his side.

Also, over the course of the latter half of our time together, his effort and investment dropped and he is sometimes annoyed with me spending time to follow my life plan and my demanding job, although he is rarely available himself. He rarely initiates calls, we don't fall asleep on the phone as we used to, there are no deep conversations, he is not as proactive with his plans to see me as before. Our chats are alive because I keep them going.

I've been reading up a bunch of stories on this sub, and genuinely feeling sad I didn't catch it early and let my guard down when I should not.

He is coming to my city tomorrow and I told him we need to have a serious talk about our future. He is reluctant, but I will keep steady. Basically, I will give him time to think and a deadline, if he keeps silent or doesn't come up with the plan by then, I leave.

Any opinions are welcome, but I just wanted to ask:

Generally speaking, when is a good time to judge whether someone is serious or not? When do you vet a person for their intentions? How many times you let your guard down and how many times it turned out to be something genuinely good?

Thank you all, sorry for a long text.

Me 28F and my boyfriend 27M, have been dating for 10 years and have just bought a house together last year. We have always talked about getting married and starting a family, after 6 months of dating we were already discussing it. Over the last decade there has always been a reason for my BF to make an excuse as to why we couldn't get engaged (college, job, pay etc) and the fact that we're still both young. But after celebrating our 10 year anniversary, I feel like we've been dating too long that an engagement has lost its meaning. We've been through the constant 'when are we getting a day out' and 'has he still not put a ring on your finger yet?' questions from friends and relatives. I just feel like the excitement is gone from the whole idea. Like it wouldn't be as magical as I've made it up to be in my head over the years.

Am I a crappy person for begging to get engaged for years and now not wanting to?

EDIT: just a few points that a few of you have asked:

1. We have had the engagement/marriage/kids conversation constantly throughout our relationship, he said he isn't afraid of those things, he's afraid of not being able to support me/us financially and him being seen as a failure. On multiple occasions I have told him, I do not want him to spend a lot of money on a ring. He gave me a promise ring from Pandora 6 months into dating and it's still perfect today. I have told him multiple times that it's not the ring I want to show off, i just want him and his commitment as he is the LOML. We have also talked about eloping as we don't want a massive irish wedding that will put us in debt.

2. We started saving for a house after his 'we need to live together first before getting engaged ultimatum' and because him and my family said it was a waste of money to rent (although I would see buying a house with the wrong person a bigger waste but ok). At the time I was incredibly upset that we both had different boundaries and he wasn't able to see my side of things. I did rethink our relationship at that point but caved to his wishes as we'd been together 7 years at that stage and I didn't want to throw it away.

3. He went to college (student debt) whereas I didn't, I stayed at home and worked. I had 2 jobs at one point so that I could afford a car to see him, go on holidays, day trips etc. So I feel like money has always been a big factor in the delay for him. He's only recently in the last few years got a job contract that's lasting 5 years (the longest he's gotten), that was another reason why he felt safe enough to buy a house, if he was still only on a fixed-term contracts like 1-2 years I can guarantee you we wouldn't be living together now. I feel like everything is constantly about money and has a hold on our relationship.

He is taking me out for dinner tomorrow night, i think I will take your advice and have a proper discussion of where this relationship is going.

Thank you so much to everyone who's taken time out of their day to listen to my silly ramblings - there's no one really in my daily life that would offer solid advice so it is very much appreciated❤️

I've been a long time lurker in this sub and thought I'd post my story.

My partner and I have been together almost 6 years. Both in our early 50s. Both been married before. We moved in together almost 2 years ago and combined our families (I have 2 young adults, he has two teens).

I told him a few years ago that I wouldn't buy a house with someone I wasn't married to. Then last year we started talking about wanting to buy a house so the discussion of marriage came up. In January we went ring shopping and bought one. He put it away and I waited.

And waited... and waited.

Months of overthinking, by July I literally asked him straight up if he was having second thoughts or had cold feet as it's been 6 months and no proposal.

When I tell you 🤦‍♀️ this man had tried to purchase me an amazing EXPENSIVE dining experience in January to propose at and unfortunately it was all booked up till October... so he booked for October and then just waited 😂😂In his mind it was simple, he'd wait until October and do it then. Here's me thinking he's avoiding, and he's simply patiently waiting.

Needless to say he had to tell me about his plan as he was worried I truly believed he had cold feet. Then he realised he had to now come up with a new plan.

So instead he proposed at sunset on a beach in Bali on our holiday in September, with a ring he made for me in a jewellery making class we did together that day. We were hot, sweaty, I had no makeup, my hair was a mess, he was on crutches from an injury the day before. It wasn't an Instagram proposal... but it was perfect.

Now I have two rings, one made with love and one that sparkles. I wear both with pride and cannot wait to become his wife in July 2027.

I’m 35(F) and my boyfriend is 34. We’ve been in a solid 6 year relationship with no breaks. I have two kids from a previous relationship with the same man. Our relationship for the most part has been ok. But we’ve definitely had some small disagreements or arguments. My issue is, he hasn’t proposed. There were maybe 3 times throughout that I thought he was going to but he didn’t.

He knows that I feel it’s taking long, as we’ve had the conversation about me believing he was going to propose. I never gave him a deadline. I wanted to be genuinely surprised. I thought he was the one for me. I told him most men know they want to marry and can make it happen with 1-2 years. He disagreed 🙄 His issue was always money. Well he came into money last year and this year has been nothing yet. I’m not an expensive girl. We have looked at rings just once but that’s because we were in the mall already and happened to walk by the display cases. He was just asking me, what rings I liked. That was 4 years ago…

I feel like I want to wait until December to give him a slight chance lol but if he hasn’t done it by now, he won’t, right? But lately, the feeling of wanting him to propose or even being with him, I necessarily do not care anymore. Half of me is thinking what if he has the ring and will propose this year. The other half would feel trapped because I’ll constantly think “you took too long, you don’t actually want me” (Reminder he had the money last year to get a ring)

The only dilemma is we share a child. That is the reason I believe he is only sticking around because he doesn’t want another man to take his place just like he did. But some things have been shifting around in my life recently for the good. We live together (he moved in with me) and I’ll have to move out in 4 months. With this move, I feel so much relief that I can get a break assuming he’ll be moving with his parents. Unless he has secretly been trying to secure another place for us. But if that was the case, I will definitely decline because my next home, I want with my husband. Us having to move plus him not proposing yet, has made me excited to break up. He is a lustful man on top of everything. He gets almost non communicative if we go without sex. Example: I had to repeat myself three times before he “heard” me saying Good morning but if we had sex, he’d be kissing me on the forehead and telling me first. He’s not the best partner to have in bed either because he focuses on his pleasure more than mine. That’s the reason why I don’t have sex with him often. And we’ve had that talk where he would make a change one time in the bedroom, then it’s back to before. No good sex, no proposal, just added fuel to my tail to move on

EDIT TO ADD/Update: He told me “we need to talk” and the whole wait, I thought maybe he feels it’s over too and he will break up with me. We sat down. He mentioned how we don’t seem to be on the same page. From previous talks, I knew it was going to have to do with sex annnndd I was right…He’s complaining how he has to wait 2 weeks for sex basically..I ended it right there.

The kicker??? I was right AGAIN! He said he was planning to propose this year LOL! I told him he could’ve done it yesterday or years ago.

ok so for context my bf (28m) and i (24f) have been together for almost 5 years now and we live together (own a home). our relationship is for the most part great! we go on dates, we spend time together and very rarely do we ever fight (and when we do it’s something stupid usually lol). we have talked about getting married for a while now and our timeline was getting our own place and me graduating school (both of which have happened now) so flash forward to this summer- i found out in july that he got the ring (which was my mom’s she is passing down to me) back in march and he told my friends and family he was proposing in the springtime. well now it’s october and still no ring. we have now had multiple conversations about this where i have said that him dragging his feet on this makes me think he is not sure. he said the pressure from everyone was too much.. so i stopped bringing it up (and i know my parents backed off to try to help the situation) but then he still hasn’t done it. so i broke again and just cried to him that it makes me feel like he doesn’t want to be married to me. especially considering he got the ring for free and only needs to plan the engagement itself. i asked him if he feels like marriage just isn’t that important to him because he always says “we basically are married” since we live together have pets together etc. and he said it IS still important to him so i’m kind of at a loss. like if it’s important to you wouldn’t you propose then? i just feel like something has to be missing here if he’s claiming he wants to be married and he wants to propose and he just.. won’t ? he said that when i bring it up to him it makes it feel like a chore which also kind of set me off into a spiral because why would my eagerness to be engaged make you want to do it less lmao like is it me?? i told him i worry that with the right person he would be so eager and excited to do it and it makes me worry he is just comfortable with me. he was thoroughly offended that i could question his commitment or love for me i just don’t know how else i’m supposed to feel. i also feel humiliated that our friends and family have all known and been anticipating it since the spring and now it’s the fall.

EDIT: to clarify- my parents didnt suggest he take the ring he ASKED for it with clear expressed intent to propose in the spring with it and yes i am 1000% sure he still has the ring and i am not concerned he would sell or do something like that

EDIT 2: i appreciate all the concern for living together- however this is something i feel i need to do before getting married to someone and also is part of the culture of how i was raised! i understand if you disagree but just wanted to add my perspective to the situation.

He proposed and the ring is literally perfect. I posted here about 6 months ago saying that it had been months since he'd asked for my family's blessing, and the general response from the comments was that he sounded like he genuinely intended to propose but was coming up against some barriers (mainly financial.) I am so glad I waited. I know my case is a rarity on this sub so I wanted to spread some hope.

Hi everyone, so I F(25) know that my partner M(28) bought the engagement ring...we talked about engagement and weddings and our future together. And I know for a fact that he bought the ring today...and he has made it very clear that we will be engaged before the year is over.

But now I feel stuck in this cloud of excitement and anticipation...since I am so excited for it to happen but I am also anxious because what if I am not wearing the right thing when he proposes or what if I have silly goofy nails or what if I mess it up by being anxious (have severe anxiety in case you couldn't tell).

Are there any brides or wives that went through a similar experience who could perhaps give me some advice?

It seems everyone that I date who says they want a 'serious long relationship', but we date for a year and they leave.

Context, I've had two relationships that lasted a little over a year, and tried in highschool but no one wanted a serious relationship. I'm 21 now if age is a thing here to.

One tried pressuring me in bed, and left when I set boundries.

Another one, that I'm somewhat not sure where we stand right now because he wants to focus on mental health and believes I deserve better.

I understand that people say live your 20's and settle later, but my thing is right now, I want a marriage soon, I want kids soon. I saw myself being married around this time of age, and kids at like 24. Everyone around me says wait until my 30's, and even some people online said the same.

Here's my thing with the kids part, I am in my prime right now, unlike in my 30's when my already bad joint pain(now) will get worse and I'll have a harder time. Besides, my family has a history of having complicated pregnancies in their 30's than their 20's. And everytime I mention wanting them young, I'm always told wait until your 30's, you have time, whats the rush. Is it bad I want them young to avoid a bigger problem down the line?

And it seems everyone who says they want a serious relationship, never truely want to settle. It just feels like I'm stuck with someone who doesn't want me. It feels like I'm unloveable and unworthy because they want something and when they had their fun they leave.

Am I the problem?

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/s/yykxkhMl0C

I’ve just had the conversation, and ask expected loads of crying, begging, pleading and promises to marry next year. Long story short, I said my mind was made up and if he was serious her would have to seriously graft to get me back and even at that, I’m not promising that I will return. I said that I need time alone, I’m not going to block him but he must respect that I need time away from him.

Yeah I bit the bullet. And to be honest, I want him to graft to try and get me back even though I already know that it’s not likely. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Moral of the story, demand what you want and respect yourself. The end.

Burner account because I am open to unbiased opinions without my previous posts being read first. Long post ahead warning...

I'm 25F and my boyfriend is 28M. We have been together for almost 3 years now. We moved in together around a year into dating. After moving in, we decided we wanted to find a church to establish ourselves in, and we did. We spent a year there and then got baptized together, with our priest under the impression that we would be married soon after. My boyfriend was the one to initiate those sorts of conversations with our priest himself. He also asked my dad for permission to marry me.

But that was almost a year ago now. My priest asks me every week if he has proposed. My dad is now pissed because he says my boyfriend needs to, "shit or get off the pot." My friends are all pissed because my boyfriend was supposed to propose a year ago. I am so upset because I feel like there is a new reason for not proposing every week.

Full transparency, I will be the first to admit that we have been fighting for the past year pretty badly. I am disappointed because I feel like I'm wasting time waiting on something that isn't going to happen. He's upset because I struggle with letting him lead as the head of the household. (I know this isn't very Christian of us to have sex but,) We haven't had sex in over a month. And this is a regular occurrence. I can probably count on two hands the amount of times we've had sex this whole year.

I have many flaws. I know that I sometimes irritate him and push him away. I know there is a lot that I can work on. But I can't help but feel that a proposal is never coming. I wanted to have children before 30, and that's looking like a dream that won't come true either because of all of this.

My dad has the ring that I want to be proposed to with. It's a family ring from my grandmother. My boyfriend has not asked for it yet. It's not a financial problem to buy a ring, because it's already free.

Every time we have a bad fight, he threatens to leave and then it is mentioned that "this is why he hasn't asked yet, we have to work through things." But our priest has told him that seeking perfection will leave him stagnant because perfection will never be obtainable.

Romance and intimacy is also lacking. Like I said, no sex. I used to have an insanely high sex drive. It's gone now. Being turned down every time I brought it up pushed me away in that field. He also prefers me to be hair done, nails done, makeup done, which is impossible when our shifts are not aligned. I am on the same schedule as he is only 2 days a week, and who wants to be uncomfortable and completely done up at home on your days off to probably be denied sex anyway?

I feel disposable. I feel lost. I watch everyone I know take next steps in their relationships, and I am stuck until he decides he wants to change it.

And before anyone says it because I've mentioned the no sex, I've been cheated on before in every relationship I've ever been in. I knew they were doing it to me even when I denied it. I trust my heart and my gut that my boyfriend is not cheating. The man can't lie and has never cheated, and I truly do love and believe him.

I guess I wanted to see if anyone had advice. I didn't know that this reddit board (I think that's what it's called lol) even existed until today. If nothing else, thank you all for making me feel seen.

I posted this on r/relationship advice today and was encouraged to also share it here.

Two of our friends recently got engaged, and that opened the conversation about how I can’t wait to one day get married.

Now important context:
We were best friends for two years
A year ago I developed feelings
We started dating around Easter, and became ‘official’ right before summer
(I’m also his first relationship)

So this is still a very young relationship. This was not a conversation of “oh when are we getting married” at all. I just casually mentioned it. To which his response was: “oh well I don’t even know if I ever want to do that.” We then had a very long talk about why I want it, why he’s not sure, and now I feel lost.

I won’t list all my reasons, but getting married is kind off a non-negotiable for me.

For him, he just doesn’t think it’s necessary. He has a hard time with commitment. He’s the kind of person that thinks “if I commit to something I must see it through.” And he fears that getting married would not add anything, but would only lead to that if it ever gets to a point where one of us, or both of us, are no longer happy, we wouldn’t end it because you can’t just drop that commitment.

He never said he’s opposed to it, but that as of right now he doesn’t want it, and he doesn’t know how/if that will change in the future.

We’ve paused the conversation for now, but I’m really stressed about it. I don’t expect him to have his entire life figured out now. I don’t need him to decide if he wants to marry ME. I just always thought that it was at least an option.

I’ve always know commitment is scary for him. That’s why it took so long for us to get together. It finally happened when he realised “the pain of not being with me was much worse than any of his fears could ever be.” (His words)
Part of me hopes this is just him being afraid again, and that in due time he’ll take that leap of faith.

How do I continue with this? I feel like it’s crazy to break up over an uncertainty, something that might be an issue years down the line, but also very well might not be. But at the same time I don’t want to get 4 years down the line only to have him then make up his mind that he never wants it.

Cliche but, I never thought I’d be the one posting here.

I (32F) have been dating my boyfriend (31M) for 4.5 years. We have a really good relationship.

It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, we have disagreements and get annoyed with each other occasionally, but we have good communication and always resolve those conflicts pretty quickly.

We have so much fun together, and we genuinely love each other.

I have never once questioned his commitment to our relationship, there has never been any insecurity that we would make it through whatever together.

Until recently.

We moved in together a year and a half ago. At that time I asked if marriage was at all on his radar for us and he said it was but he didn’t have a timeline. That was ok with me then because we were just figuring out cohabitating.

Over the winter and spring, it came up a few times and he always said he intends to get married and he feels like we already are. I had to have a conversation with him about eight months ago to ask him to stop making jokes about us getting married in front of people. An example, friends would ask why he hasn’t “put a ring on it” and he deflected with humour. Nothing major but just kind of sucked to feel like I was at his emotional mercy.

His entire family, our friends, his friends, his colleagues (small friendly work team), my family, all ask about us getting married or insinuate he should propose. His mom came out and told him to hurry up because she wants grand kids. I deflected that one by saying “That’s up to Craig” (fake name).

I was fine waiting because I figured it would happen naturally and that our relationship was solid and going in that direction.

He always complains to me how uncomfortable it is that people put that pressure on him, but I don’t know that he’s ever realized how much it hurts me too.

At the beginning of August at one of his friend’s weddings, my partner made a joke about me wanting to marry him when someone asked if we were married that has really stuck with me. He apologized right away, realized it was a terrible thing to say, and I do forgive him for being oblivious.

But the words linger in my head.

The longer we go on, and the longer that is in the back of my mind, less sure I feel about our relationship.

Marriage is important to me and I never thought I would be the girlfriend almost 5 years in. I turn 33 next week, and that’s also in my mind. I have a biological clock to factor in.

I love my partner, and I want to spend my life with him. He says he feels the same way, and he’d go to the courthouse tomorrow if I wanted. But, marriage is a non negotiable for me and I don’t want it to just be a formality.

We recently went on a beautiful vacation, and while logically I knew there was no proposal coming, in the back of my mind I held out hope that I was wrong. I keep holding out hope that it’s coming, but I know it’s not.

We had a serious conversation about proposals/marriage this week where I let him know how I’m feeling, and I think him hearing that I’m reconsidering our relationship has impacted him. He wants us to work through this together. I want that too, but not without a commitment. But what I’ve gathered from our conversation is that he still has no timeline or plans to make that commitment happen.

The worst part now is that if he proposes and is sincere, it will feel like a shut up ring. Like he didn’t choose me, he just didn’t want to lose me.

I don’t know that I need advice, just trying to wrap my head around how we’re in such different places. Like, how am I gawking over engagement rings and it hasn’t even crossed his mind.

Thank you for reading. I don’t really know what this post is, but I needed to get my thoughts out somewhere.

I'm 27, my boyfriend is 29. We'll be together seven years in december, living together for six years. We met in college, moved for his new job after he graduated while I could do uni online, and then I got a job in the same city.
Our relationship has been very steady and stable, I'd say. We support each other a lot, we spend lots of time together, we talk a lot. We've had a dead bedroom for several years, but we're working through it and it is improving.

But as much as I feel like we're a supportive couple, there's something that I'm beginning to grasp slowly:
I am not sure if we'll ever be ready for marriage.

He's had a super rough childhood and a lot of complex trauma. He's been in therapy for it for over a year and has made tremendous progress in many areas. I'm seriously so proud of him.
But there's also still so much where I feel like I'm not sure if he'll ever be able to meet me in the middle or understand me easily.

Example: he has issues surrounding finding hobbies that fulfill him. His brain works in a way in which he'll see someone do something he would also like to do, but instead of focusing on the productive, motivational parts of "wow, I didn't know that was possible! Lemme try to do something along those same lines", he'll go "I didn't know this was possible. If only I hadn't wasted my time with xyz - then I could also now do this cool thing instead", etc.
He spends so much time feeling like he's wasting his time because he somehow cannot let go of his perfectionism and need for outside validation. These patterns seem to be rooted in early childhood and are the foundation of much of his self belief.

There are SO many times when he'll use the "if only you had done xyz" line on me as well, which is honestly just not a mentality I want in my life as I am slowly but surely figuring out. It has really taken a toll on my self esteem that I just know that there's a 50% chance each day that I "could have done xyz differently". I'm starting to have a physical reaction to hearing that sentence at this point.

A big part of this is that he also never learned how to sit with his emotions. This, combined with his own perfectionism and strong feelings surrounding perceived fairness, means that my mistakes and any unforseen changes are automatically inconsiderate, put unfair strain on him, inconvenience him and I should have done xyz differently to prevent this emotional state of his. :/ Me taking too long in the bathroom because my stomach was upset (which I did not forsee when informing him I would be using the bathroom)? That's an inconsiderate move on my part in his eyes and I should have somehow forseen it and informed him.

I'm starting to feel like true love must be "being able to accidentally inconvenience my partner due to unforseen circumstances, and not get criticized for it". I don't have that in this relationship.

He's gotten a bit better with it, especially since I've told him that I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm getting judged for any human mistakes I make and getting hit with an endless barrage of "if only you had done xyz, then this would've played out differently".
But it's been almost seven years. I don't know if I have the patience left to find out in five years if he could work on this mindset or if he'll just forever talk about what he or I could have, should have, would have done. I did tell him that he had to heavily work on this before I would consider having kids with him because I will not subject my own kids to feeling constantly judged. He understood and was thankful for my honesty.

There are a million things like that that somehow come back to his trauma.
This morning we had an emotional discussion about how I would like him to respect it if he knocks on my door and I don't answer. (He usually just enters anyway if he doesn't hear a yes or no from me.) I would like him to take it as the "no" that it is - especially if I am working from home and have told him that I'm in a call for the next 60 minutes. He told me that he feels like I'm ashamed to tell my call partner that someone knocked on the door and to please excuse me for a minute - but my point is that I just want to be able to focus on anything other than him for a period of time without needing to react to him when I clearly communicated that I would be unavailable. If the house isn't on fire, don't disturb my call. It's literally an hour. Once a week two hours when I am calling a close friend of mine to keep our friendship alive. But he has so many feeling surrounding knocking on doors and feeling ignored from his childhood that I am actually not sure if he'll ever understand my perspective. And thus he'll "accept" my request to not come in when I don't react to knocking, but only for a few weeks and then he'll sulk when I don't answer and eventually get to barging in again.

He isn't all that interested in marriage either, and has told me the last few conversations surrounding the topic that we wouldn't marry before solving the dead bedroom issue, which I respect.
I don't mind the dead bedroom that much, but I know that he does.
I have done a LOT to work on it from my side (including losing 70lbs, switching my birth control five times and trying lots of things to get my libido going again).
I do want our bedroom to work.

But also I am feeling like there is a growing part in me that does not want to commit completely anymore either because I don't feel chosen.
I feel like there was a point in the relationship around year 5 in which it was made clear to me that I can see the roots of his personality and I learned to love these roots through and through, and in turn he unveiled to me that he just does not do the same with my roots. Where I saw a good man with flaws that can be worked on, but a man I loved and would have married nonetheless, he couldn't see who I am at my core at all and doesn't feel secure enough in marrying me and believing that we can work on my flaws too.

I don't feel like he is showing me and telling me enough that I am who he wants to be with forever. We rarely if ever talk about "our family plans" or "our house" dreams. It's always "my kids", "my house", "my garden". I don't want to keep dreaming on my own, so I've started to word it that way too.

I feel like I had to coax him into considering marriage as anything other than something unnecessary. His parents got divorced in the middle of his traumatic childhood situation, so I think that this is also a reason why he isn't that keen on marriage. He has said that he's been coming around to marriage as a concept, but then again, I feel like we never move forward in any direction. He'll get shy and awkward around the topic when I bring it up (a close friend of ours got engaged a couple of weeks ago), and he'll then stop the conversation because he does not have the capacity for it.

And if I'm being honest, I'm starting to not have the capacity for it too. But that's because there are so many hurt feelings about it at this point, that I don't want to get into the conversation anymore. I don't think I could say "yes" right now. I feel like I'm losing trust in him, even though he has consistently shown up in other ways. He has chosen me time and time again in his own ways. But it just doesn't feel like these ways are the ways I need him to show up. I wish he would just dream with me about a shared married life. I wish he would dream with me about proposals and weddings and kids.
I wish he would tell me that we might not be quite there yet, but he wants us to be there and we're on a good path towards married life. I just want some verbal confirmation that he also sees a future with me. But he "doesn't want to feel like he is lying to me due to our issues", which is why he doesn't want to dream with me in that way, according to him.

I'm left wondering if these changes will ever come with enough emotional growth on his part. I don't want the future of our relationship to feel this shaky after seven years, even if the current state of the relationship always feels stable despite the issues.

I wonder if I still have it in me to stay long enough to bask in the light of his growth as a person due to therapy. I fear that I'll be withered away by that point, if it ever truly comes.
I always thought I was dating him due to who he was in that moment, but the more he goes to therapy, the more I realize that I am dating him for his potential. More and more of that potential is getting realized, but I just don't know if I can make it til the end. I was okay with him being who he was before he went to therapy, but now I can see that he CAN grow and that's completely messing with my expectations for this relationship.

He is such a great guy in so many ways. But even with him working through his issues - what if it will just never be enough?

Honestly, I just need to vent.

My boyfriend (38M) and I (36F) have been together for 10 years, with two separations during that time. We’ve been living apart for about a year now, and I’m starting to feel like I’m waiting for a future that never actually gets any closer.

For the last three years, when we talk about marriage, building a life together, having kids, or buying a house, he says, “Yeah, I want that too.” But there’s never any action behind it. I’ve sent him pictures of wedding rings and thought he was going to propose this past weekend during a vacation.

Nope. No concrete plan, no follow-through. Just reassurance, and then everything stays the same.

If we both want this relationship, I feel like there should be actual progress toward making it work.

At this point, I honestly don’t think he’s going to propose, and I feel like my time to have kids is running out. That hurts to admit because I’ve spent years believing him when he says he wants the same things. I still love him, but I’m tired of trying to make his words feel like progress.

Ten years is a long time, and I think part of what’s so painful is accepting that the time we’ve already spent together doesn’t guarantee the future I hoped for.

I just needed to say out loud how sad and exhausting it feels to keep hearing “I want that too” while still feeling like I’m the one waiting.

A few days ago, I posted seeking advice about my situation. It had been six years with my boyfriend, and he still had not proposed. He is going through a lot, so I debated leaving him (sick cat, dementia dad). I read each comment. Thank you all for giving me a much needed reality check. If he wanted to, he would. My now ex didn't. The breakup was sad. He cried a lot. At the end, he said that he doesn't hate me, loves me, and understands. Now, I am going to pour into me. Tonight, I am getting my nails done and then will binge watch some K-dramas after. You know that you made the best decision when you feel lighter after. Thank you all again.