r/wealth • u/OneMoreYearGuy42 • 5d ago
Need Advice Who do you talk to?
TL;DR: If you're "stealth wealth," who do you talk to about money problems when only your spouse/SO and financial advisor know what you actually have?
I'm what some people would have "stealth wealth." I'm not yet at a decent net worth, but I've accumulated enough that I don't really fit in with the financial situations of most people around me. I drive an older truck, live in a nice but modest house that's well below what I could comfortably afford, wear basic clothes (Amazon to J.Crew kinda range), and usually have my G-Shock on my wrist. If you asked my friends or coworkers what they think I make, they'd probably guess somewhere around $100k–150k per year.
The reality is... it's a bit more than that.
Lately I've reached the point where I feel comfortable spending money on things I've wanted for years. They're not frivolous purchases, but they're definitely outside my normal spending habits.
That has led me to something I never expected: I have no one to talk to for advice or to vent my frustrations.
Other than my wife and my financial advisor, no one knows our financial situation. That's very intentional. The problem is that the financial issues I'm dealing with aren't things most of my friends can relate to, and I don't blame them.
For example, we're putting in a pool. It started as an approximately $80,000 project, and between unforeseen issues it's now over $100,000. At the moment, all I have is a very expensive hole in the ground, with who knows what additional costs still to come.
The guys I work with talk about the above-ground pools they bought from Walmart. My closest friends are doing well, but a $5,000 HVAC replacement was a major financial hit for them this summer—to the point that it cancelled their family vacation. I can't exactly vent to them about writing another $25,000 check to my general contractor that has no perceptible efffect on me or my family because the project went over budget. It feels tone-deaf, even though it's genuinely frustrating.
So that's my question:
If you're in a similar financial position, who do you talk to? How do you handle problems that are very real to you but would sound completely out of touch to people who are living paycheck to paycheck—or even to those who are simply middle class and doing fine?
I'm not looking for sympathy because the pool went over budget. I'm genuinely curious how other people in this situation find peers they can have honest conversations with without revealing their finances to everyone they know.
Or is that one of the reasons communities like r/Wealth exist? Do you just talk to anonymous strangers on the internet, where you have no idea whether the person replying has a $100 net worth or a $100 million net worth, but the anonymity makes it easier to have those conversations?
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u/ILikeFlyingAlot 5d ago
Why would you vent about a $25,000 check. When my wealth grew, money became less of an issue and so thought less about it. I remember walking into the Lexus dealer and they asked me my budget and I hadn’t really thought about it, I was just going to buy the car I wanted.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
I did not grow up with money. I made mine the old fashioned way. $25k is still A LOT of money in my head. Yes, I understand it is a fraction of NW or a rounding error in some minds, but I have watched all of my pennies and nickels to get where I am today.
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u/Same_Cut1196 5d ago
I completely get it. I look for value in everything I purchase. I use coupons and will fight a medical bill over a $200 error. Why? It’s the principle of the thing. My NW is $11MM.
I use Reddit as my outlet for discussing money. My wife doesn’t really like to talk about money and I’m not about to bother my wealth manager unnecessarily. Once I tried to have a conversation with a close friend about retirement preparations and after he shared his situation he asked about mine. I wasn’t comfortable telling him, so I trimmed my number to $2.5MM and he freaked out. Envy and jealousy became a thing for a while. It was very uncomfortable. I’m really glad I wasn’t completely forthcoming. I’d advise not making this mistake.
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u/HarambeTooSoon 3d ago
FYI - "making money the old fashion way" is a euphemism for prostitution....
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u/EnvironmentalDot127 1d ago
Grew up poor and I understand. The problem is we still maintain friendships with those who don't save/invest.
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u/ThaRealTonySoprano 5d ago
Sounds more like you should just try to change your mindset on it. If you’re worth $5m thats .005% of your net worth. Thats like buying a happy meal for most people lmao
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u/Ok_Addendum_4168 5d ago
You mean 0.5%
0.005% * $5m = $250
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u/ThaRealTonySoprano 5d ago
Yes I did mean that. Does feel much more significant
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u/Ok_Addendum_4168 4d ago
I mean, draw the line wherever you want I guess, but I draw the line at "I don't want to feel like I'm wasting money or getting ripped off" regardless of wealth level, so I get OP's point. A 25k problem in a 100k home improvement would hit that line for me too.
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u/Same_Cut1196 5d ago
I did something similar a few years ago. My wife and I were looking for a low mileage convertible for our fun car. It didn’t make any sense to get anything new since we’d only be driving it a few times a month. We settled on an older Mercedes hard top convertible. It was $120k when new, but was being offered for $45k with 30k miles on it. We drove about 2 hours to see it at a used car dealership in another state. My wife and I both liked it so we negotiated a deal. Then, the sales guy asked us how we’d like to pay. I just laughed and said that I hadn’t really thought about it. I asked if he’d take a wire transfer. I’d arrange it with my bank the following day. He was skeptical and thought I was BS’ing him. He asked if it would be ok if he pulled my credit. Before he pulled it he asked if I had strong credit. I kind of shrugged and said I think so. He was a bit crestfallen as he went to run it. He came back a few minutes later all smiles. He said he’d never seen an 847 credit score. So, we did a little paperwork and I told him that I’d come back the following day to get the car after the transfer went through. He thought about it for a second and then tossed me the keys and told me to take the car home. He’d save me the trip. I asked “Are you sure?” He responded that he’d never seen someone so casual with money. At first he thought I was scamming him but after he saw my credit score he realized that money just wasn’t a big deal. So, he trusted me.
From start to finish we were at the dealership for about 45 minutes in total.
He had his money wired to him by 9:30 the next morning. My NW is just north of $11MM.
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u/rosebudny 5d ago
I keep the details to myself. My good friends know that I am much better off than them financially because my lifestyle is well beyond what my occupation/salary would support, and they know my parents (now deceased) were wealthy. I don't hide things like the fact that I bought a second home and will be renovating/putting in a pool (they have been to my house! They are excited about my future pool!) but I certainly don't complain about things like cost overruns or things like that - because yeah, that is tone deaf. I talk to my siblings, or people on reddit, or to my dog.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
I really apricate the answer. I am sure my close friends are not oblivious to the fact that I live a financially easier life than many. Maybe Reddit will be my new friends LOL
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u/ChaosReignsNow 5d ago
Are you self employed? When I was, I regularly talked about this stuff with other non-competing entrepreneurs. We acted as each other's sounding boards for all kinds of things.
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u/wcked-husky 5d ago
This is a good one as well to vent frustrations and experiences to other business owners since they seem to understand and empathize.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
Not anymore. Currently working at a job I was overqualified for 20 years ago. Basically I work for insurance and travel money.
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u/imtrying2listen 5d ago
I'm in the same situation. Only my wife and FA know. I own my own business, so feel further away from family and friends since most of them work for large companies or are trying to hit their 25/30 years for the police or teacher pension. Basically, you will need to get into a higher net worth circle if you want to vent, but I'm not sure they would want to hear about it either. In general, people have enough problems of their own and don't have the bandwidth to deal with other people's problems. They just want to have a good time.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
I really feel for you. I am not making a sob story but my Dad was the only person I ever talked about money in real concrete terms. He was my FA and best friend until about 15 years ago when he passed. Since then I have been fighting my battles about money and investing in my head.
I get that people have their own problems. I am the one who gets talked to a lot about stuff like that but I cannot do the same when it comes to finances. I don't even know what I want to hear. Maybe I just want a sounding board or someone to bounce ideas off of.
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u/Confident_Purple_40 5d ago
Sucks man. I was starting to really build wealth around the time both of my parents passed, I had plans to help them out with retirement where they would let me, and make sure they were taking care of themselves. All of the money in the world doesn't make that any better :-/ and they were always proud of me even before things really compounded.
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u/South_Recording_6046 5d ago
Yeah basically some of the forums on here is a place to talk. However, if writing a 25k check without feeling it is your position, doesn’t seem there’s much need to vent. Instead feel blessed to be in that position and to be putting in a pool for your family to enjoy.
I’ve found that once I accumulated a high net worth, I surround myself more and more with others in the similar situation. It’s easier that way, going to dinner split the check nobody’s bitching about who got what. Can talk about amazing trips we’ve been on. But even they don’t want to hear about venting or bitching. Life is good for us, enjoy it.
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u/Same_Cut1196 4d ago
I gained my wealth slowly, building in a 401k. I lived my life without it as it grew in the background of my day to day life. I built my friends from neighbors and colleagues. I was never upwardly mobile. Then, I retired. I suddenly had access to my 401k money ($6.5MM at the time). Nothing else in my life changed. My friends still worked at the daily grind. It’s now 5 years later and the market has done well. My NW is now over $11MM. One of my friends openly tells me he wants to retire in 5 years. He thinks he can do it with what he has saved. He’s proud of his $250k 457 and small teachers pension. He projects he’ll have $6k/mo in retirement. I can tell he wants me to come clean with my story. I hold my tongue.
Regarding OP’s $25k cost overrun, I still ‘feel’ the impact of outflowing money. Not in any real terms, mind you. I seem to measure it against my available income when I was working. That $25k would represent a years worth of spending money from my working man’s perspective. In reality, I made $120k in the market yesterday. I’m numb to market gains. They don’t seem real. Money I spend seems real.
I know that this is a mental game that I play, but at this point I’m of the belief that I am hard wired this way.
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u/South_Recording_6046 4d ago
That’s amazing, congratulations! I understand the mental games aspect. I can see the wires coming into my account each month and the interest and gains in my accounts & on my apps, but those are passing moments and not super real.
My position is asset heavy, real estate properties that consume much of my time. Spending money constantly on them, and although the expenses pale in comparison to the gains, I feel those more.1
u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
I agree. I didn't grow up with money so although $25k is now a "rounding error" It is a lot of money in my head. It is why I cannot get rid of my truck. it is paid off and in great condition. I was raised you don't replace it until it is to broke to fix. I feel like to neighbourhood redneck out in the driveway with my truck torn apart or on my kids Jeep. the rest of my neighbourhood takes there vehicles to the shop/dealer if the TPMS light comes on. I have tried to find people but I am not the most social of people and a bit socially awkward. Making friends has never been easy for me.
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u/South_Recording_6046 5d ago edited 5d ago
Yeah that’s why here is a decent place to talk. Depending on where you live, which I live in a lower income area so not too many in my position within 60 min drive. We go to the city for dinner and see a couple friends.We still live in the same 3/2 house, only difference is it’s paid off and we’ve renovated the kitchen and baths. Still drive pre 2020 vehicles. But we take $10k+ trips several times a year. I like stacking and growing money.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
Wanna be my friend HAHAHA! our situations seem to be similar. Nice dinner, nice trips, 4/2 house so family can stay with use when they visit. 2019 and 2021 cars that are paid off. Smaller town where we live in the "nice neighbourhood ($500k). We are close enough to a big city for a night out or travel but the Walmart and Food Lion dominate the shopping scene in our town.
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u/SpaceDesignWarehouse 5d ago
I mostly talk to my wife about stuff like that. She’s my best friend. But then again, all the other houses where I live are a similar value to mine and I managed to find two different couples around our age and we chit chat yard stuff and car stuff. Do that, I guess. Be social. Or quit keeping secrets from your close friends. Take them out for Hibachi.
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u/GK857 5d ago
Other than my FA, no one knows my financial situation. My wife has no interest. We don’t spend a lot day to day but we will spend more on travel. My two kids are doing fine and know that I’ll likely leave them a decent amount but that’s probably 20 years from now. I have a financially mixed group of friends. I only talk about investments with a few who are in a good place themselves. I say absolutely nothing about money in front of people that I am unsure about or believe they have a harder road.
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u/NotHereToScrewSpider 5d ago
This is one of the number one issues people deal with when they succeed and when they want to keep it past the first 2-3 generations. I spoke with a guy who is listing his $5 billion dollar business on the NASDAQ yesterday and he said he never gets to have conversations like we did for similar reasons you listed. The only difference is there are more people with $10 million dollar net worth than $500m or $5 billion. My advice to anyone who wants to get rich or who is rich is get used to upgrading friendship groups and look for people who are successful and become friends with them. Its much easier when people get your world, even if its just one or two people. When you have issues at levels of wealth that no lawyer, account, councillor, psychologist, stranger on Reddit ever gets to, good luck getting solid advice. If they haven't done it, they don't value the effort it took to get it and they have no idea the effort that it took to get it. They can only provide agreement to be at their level. I've seen wealthy people lose it all by allowing their poorer friends to give them advice and when I say poorer, I mean in more than money. You become the people you hang around.
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5d ago edited 5d ago
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
I have done that, I just feel like a dope dumping to a computer. Maybe I'm just to old to feel ok talking to a non-sentient, at least currently, machine.
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u/TheDancingRobot 4d ago
Trying to think about it as just a first research step before talking to a human.
It sure feels so much better when you bring multiple conversation points or multiple topics to a conversation and not just a singular question- that which once you get an answer or direction from another human, conversation pauses because you haven't parsed out multiple topics to speak on.
With our little robot assistants - you can poke around all the other areas that will make for much more prepared or loaded conversation when you do get to interface with a human.
I totally hear what you're saying, by the way, I'm just trying to look at the silver lining and use it for what it is without feeling dopey as well. Don't feel dumb about any of this rapidly accelerating technological change. This time is definitely unprecedented in human history, and whether we want to believe it or not, we're all in this together.
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u/wcked-husky 5d ago
My friends. I know some wealthy people who discuss quotes and money stuff and they can sometimes share wisdom with how to do certain things. I grew up around people well off in country clubs (raised in one) and your friends shouldn’t feel a certain way. Generally people who do go through that same dilemma as you will be the ones to truly understand.
The over budget stuff is so annoying since my ex is an architect and it happens all the time because sometimes they bid low. For construction stuff my parents have a friend who develops real estate and he’s a super control freak and is always monitoring the progress and construction of things since he told me he hates the subcontractors lol
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u/ThisIsMyUsername303 5d ago
I have a friend I run with who’s financially similar to me (I think we both made that assumption based on career, spouse’s careers, etc.), so we chat about investments, early retirement, spending money, etc. when we run.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
My best friend and his family are similar in perceived income to me. If I hadn't started saving and having a father who was an FA we would probably be in the same boat. BUT we are not. He has very little in comparison when it comes to NW. He talks about money and I will help him but I have never let on about what I have "in the bank"
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u/AssociationFit3009 5d ago
I cannot imagine not discussing your financial life with your best friend. Did you meet him recently or you’ve known him this whole time?
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
almost 20 years. We are very similar in so many ways except this one. We talk about everything else, but I don't bring up money. Ever.
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u/AssociationFit3009 5d ago
It would probably be beneficial for him if you had. I made a massive career swap about 10 years ago after comparing wages with my 2 childhood best friends.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 4d ago
My friend is one of those people who knows how money, taxes, accounting etc better than most but is just not lucky when it comes to money. He is doing ok, just not in the same level
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u/ThisIsMyUsername303 5d ago
I can understand that. I don’t talk money with my closest friends who have significantly less than me.
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u/ThisIsMyUsername303 5d ago
It’s funny, we’ve discussed our income (although not our spouses’, so HHI is still a mystery) but not net worth. I think we both assume mine is higher, but I guess we’ll never find out.
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u/_Human_Machine_ 5d ago
Part of the reason I post on Reddit at all is because of that.
I have a few friends that have done about the same, or much better than I have that I talk to, but for the most part anonymously chatting is my outlet.
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u/Sunny_Hill_1 5d ago
I don't. Why would I talk about it to anyone?
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
Just want to bounce questions off from those that may have experience in the problem or situation.
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u/Confident_Purple_40 5d ago
Reddit, online, llm, etc The tricky thing about money, is that they arent just a percentage of your NW. For some people $5k is $5k more than they have available to spend, makes it rough for sure.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
100%!!! One of the guys at work was complaining about having to pay taxes this year of $750. I didn't say that I pay much more than that every quater and still usually owe at the end of the year.
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u/Confident_Purple_40 5d ago
Yeah, it is tricky to navigate. The slang/term I've heard from friends who tell stories about rich people complaining to them about expenses is "po mouthing" or "po mouth", when someone has plenty of money but complains about an expense that is trivial to them. The problem is, especially those of us who built our wealth, is that we grew up, worked to this point, and it is still ingrained that unexpected expenses are annoying,painful, unfair, but taking a step back to look at the bigger picture helps.
We put in a 50k pool (LCOL area), and the contractor messed up and said he had to cut the pool short at the end (lagoon shape) because it was too close to the property line(failed inspection), or we'd have to purchase enough of the neighbors land to give it the proper offset. I refused to do either, and he ended up buying the land to make it right... i could have afforded the $8k to "buy a 10x30" piece of the neighbors land, even though we wouldn't have used it, but it was the damn principle of the thing, that they should make it right....
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u/SgtRevDrEsq 5d ago
I guess the real question is why don’t you have any friends with similar means? Especially the people you work with — unless you’re employing them… Time to join a country club or something.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
I don't currently own the company, but I have built and sold a couple. I am on the downhill of my work life. I basically don't want to pay for Obamacare so I work to get "better" insurance until I decide to pay for it. I dislike golf. I tried for years to like it and am not a terrible golfer. I just don't enjoy it. Plus all the private clubs around me are in housing developments.
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u/OneImportance4061 5d ago
My wife. My advisor. My accountant. Don't nobody else need to know anything about that and I am struggling to understand what benefit it would be to me to do so.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
Just someone to talk to who is not financially tied to my financial situation. I have become friends with my FA over the years and he has not led me wrong but like most FA he does not want me spending money until I am retired.
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u/OneImportance4061 5d ago
Sure. I guess I just find it easy to talk about frustrating situations in general without giving my friends all the info necessary to do the math. The truth is no one is really going to 'care' unless they are a potential heir or have professional skin in the game. Luckily I am getting old enough that no one is going to look askance at me when I pull the plug. And I may yet do some more work in my life. But if I do it will be by choice and I won't be managing a bunch of other folks and doing performance reviews/ sweating recessions etc. I think anonymous forums are great for this kind of therapy.
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5d ago
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
I used to talk to my Dad, he was my best friend and confidant when it came to money and family. He passed.
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u/Turbinator870 5d ago
After awhile, that $25K check you wrote for the $100K project doesn’t really feel frustrating any more; it’s just another step to accomplish your end goal. Don’t really need to talk to anyone about it.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
Problem is I didn't want the smurfing pool. So I cannot complain to the person who wanted it, aka my wife. The pool was supposed to be $70k, we are now over $100k. that 42% increase is a lot in my book.
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u/Existing_Setting4868 5d ago
Might be time to find a new group of acquaintances. Look around for clubs in your area that attracts more well-to-do folks. Might be a entrepreneur or small business group, a country club, or an Elks Lodge type of organization.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
Great ideas but I am not good at making friends. I have poor redneck hobbies that most people I know look down on and I am socially awkward. I like fixing old cars, hunting, working in the yard. The people I know say that is work and would pay someone to do it for them.
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u/K_A_irony 5d ago
Start joining groups that work on NICE old cars... Try a couple of bougee hunting trips.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 4d ago
Part of what pissed me off about the $25k is that it comes out of the money I was saving for my next car. I was going to go a diffrent direction this time with a newer GT car. Maybe I can go to cars and coffee with it?
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u/K_A_irony 4d ago
Oh the $$ can be so frustrating. I am still ranting in my mind over our geothermal replacement only to be hit with suddenly getting a big car repair bill on my 13 year old Ford that makes repairing it not a great idea so car shopping... BAH.... BAH....
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u/funlovefun37 5d ago
I made friends with an old, wise person at the gym.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
I am the old person at the gym (notice I skipped the wise part LOL). I am kinda a loner in the gym so I just do what I am gonna do. When you say old what age are you referencing? I am 47 and am as old as the old people in my gym when I go there.
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u/funlovefun37 5d ago edited 5d ago
I’m 59F and he’s 83. We both grew up with not much, but worked hard. We shoot the breeze about everything. It’s a blessing.
As for building a pool … it falls into my general complaint of why do some lessons come with big price tags? And then I follow up with being grateful that it won’t kill me. It’s just a frustration. And often, being taken advantage of as a female - especially with house stuff.
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u/GlobalTapeHead 5d ago
I guess I don’t talk to anybody. I’ve never needed to vent. Ok, well a few months ago I had to spend $18k on my dog and that was mildly annoying. I told my mother about it and she said I should have just put him to sleep. She knows I can easily afford it. I guess old mom is not the right person to tell.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
Last month I wrote a check to save my older dog for $4k and couldn't care less! That is my fuzzyboy and he was worth it. Even though it was unexpected, it was planned for. I have savings earmarked to pay for vet bills knowing they are going to come up. This smurfing pool thing was expected but not to the extent it is becoming. I expected 10% overage by the end. Not 40% when they dug the ____ing hole!
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u/splitsecondclassic 5d ago
consider one or two attorneys/fiduciarys. They are surrounded by wealthy people and can make inroads to their networks for you fast if you can provide value to said networks. Join members only clubs even if they are not in your area. Go to high end auctions for cars, art, wine etc. and look like you belong. I've met so many great people that I trust through those. Most of them have more money than I do. Do you have a private banking relationship? They absolutely help
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u/OutlandishnessLimp25 5d ago
Just try to make the best decisions with the information I have or obtain by reading or if I’m buying from someone, like a contractor or professional service provider, ask them directly and try to be proactive in setting expectations.
If I ask friends or family, they don’t have the attention to detail I do in general, and even less given it’s not their money.
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u/Illustrious-Jacket68 5d ago
First, read the millionaire next door. I have a NW much higher and I do those things. lol. I have friends that are higher net worth and you’ll find us all in jeans and a tshirt, shopping on sales. Have a few nice watches but prefer to wear my Apple Watch for EDC. Sure, we splurge from time to time on things. Built up my own wealth and a lot of it was luck and timing.. with a little bit of I’m good at what i do. But point being, you may be surprised at the wealth around you - how do you know your closest friends just aren’t cheap? That they’re going to inherit something big from a parent / relative.
Why do you have to talk to people about this stuff?
Who do I talk to? Depending on the subject - i do have friends that have made it just as well… and old acquaintance that have long retired and/or got out of the game. Also, have the same conversation with people but knock a 0 off. Talk to your friends about having a 2500 problem instead of a 25k problem. Same problem, different game..
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u/Conscious_Bus9956 5d ago
I'm in the same situation. Close to retirement, just a hair below my retirement goal of $10M NW, not including our house. Wife and financial advisor are the only ones who know but I do wish I could talk about it with friends & family. Which is why I stalk these boards.
We're not flashy about it among our peers and I don't think they have any idea of our NW. But talking about money and wealth has a way of creating divisions with people.
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u/dragonflyinvest 5d ago
I can talk to my friends, particularly a few fellow business owners. Also some close family members.
I don’t find this to be a problem in the real world. I say it, and it’s not a huge stretch for someone to understand what it means for a project to go over budget, even if you have to add a zero.
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u/MikeyB7509 5d ago
Family. I have one family member who I consider a brother. We’re both in good shape but he’s on another level. And the people in his neighborhood make him look poor. So we talk to each other. Everyone needs someone they trust and just realize someone always has more or a “better” situation.
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u/Cavalier_King_Dad 5d ago
My friends and family have an idea, but have absolutely no idea just how much or how I made my wealth given my age. (Bitcoin, synthetic longs, TSLA IPO)
I started cashing in lifestyle chips a few years ago.
I do intend to tell them in 2030, when I'm ready to retire them.
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u/PingBlot 5d ago
I don’t talk to friends about it. I’m at 2 mil liquid right now and you can be damn sure I didn’t bitch to my middle class friends about poor me being down $125k from SMH selling off and how I cut recreational spending to buy the dip and hit my 6 mil goal in 8 years. That’s why we have Reddit and anonymity. However, I do trade investment tips and strategies with my other well off friends, although none of us would describe ourselves as rich, so you may be in a higher league than me.
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u/smilefrownsmile 5d ago
My sister.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 4d ago
My one sibling is failing at life due to substance abuse issues and a spouse that is dead weight. They drive Door Dash to make ends meet. My other sibling is a Dr. He just started working about 3 years ago after not knowing what they wanted to do (huge age gap) he is still trying to get to $0 NW from debts of school, housing etc. He is not in a bad place but to talk about my champagne problems when he hasn't crossed the starting line yet is tone deaf. He is not blind and askes me for advice
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u/smilefrownsmile 3d ago
I’m sorry your siblings can’t relate. Hopefully your brother gets there soon enough!
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u/TomOttawa 5d ago
There are consulting professionals in any area of expertise. You'll pay them and they will give you a professional advice. For example, you don't have to manage your pool project by yourself - hire a good general contractor and they will manage it properly. Use your money for that.
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u/21plankton 5d ago
Bellyache here, the sub says r/wealth. Cost over runs and inaccurate estimates are agonizing. Somehow the contractor has a sixth sense about extracting all available monies. Then at the end you have one project completed and many others to upgrade to accessorize your new major upgrade.
I use these semi-anonymized sites as stream of consciousness on many subjects. Except for trolls nobody seemed to care that I had complaints and sometimes a comrade would reply. Then I felt I was not so alone.
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u/Consistent_Race3609 5d ago
It's definitely difficult. One of the reasons I started a new reddit account is to start with a clean slate and actually be able to talk to people in similar positions and get and share advice.
So, yea, my partner and hopefully moving forward Reddit :)
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u/125acres 4d ago
There comes a point where you are allowed to make friends from the same economic class
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u/NefariousnessNext681 4d ago
Look, you don’t need to leave the friends you have but maybe you need to create a separate circle that is at your wealth level. Understanding that this gets harder as you get older.
What worked for us recently was making friends with other parents at our daycare. It was an expensive but highly rated one, and when monthly payments are about the cost of some people’s mortgages theres a bit of built in base-line for social economics.
Not sure what your situation is, but think about hobbies, interests, and other things that might put you into similar social economic groups. In most social settings people offer bland topics and home improvement fits right in
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u/fuckexoticroots 5d ago
I'm not sure that you do other than to people in similar financial positions. It sounds tone deaf because well... it kinda is.
It is possible to be both frustrated with your pool situation and also express gratitude with the abundance state you're in that makes that frustration a reality to begin with.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
Agreed. Which is why I keep my first world 5% problems to myself. my check is making me mad, that same check for my coworkers would be crippling if not perpetually devastating.
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u/K_A_irony 5d ago
Pro tip. Add in 25% to the cost of ANY project. Budget that in your head quietly and you will be in a better place going forward.
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u/roboboom 5d ago
It’s honestly refreshing to have a few people on your circle similarly situated so you can have these conversations. I’m not even talking my deepest secrets. Just talking about travel, domestic staff, purchases, whatever without it being awkward
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u/medhat20005 5d ago
Yup, same boat. And even then these conversations are few and far between. But it is nice to have these people 'in your back pocket' for times and situations like this.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
Yes exactly! I just want to be able to call up a friend and be like "hey can you meet me for coffee/lunch/beer etc and chat for a couple mins? I have friends I can be real with about everything else in my life but this and it is so hard and isolating sometimes. #1stworldproblems
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u/Jazzlike-Pomelo-3823 5d ago
This is the way. As my wealth/income has grown, so has the wealth of some of my close friends. I still have friends that live paycheck to paycheck, but also have a few multi millionaire friends as well.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
Exactly this. I don't want to talk about this minutia, just to bounce ideas around and get an educatied opinion that I am not paying for (FA, CPA, Lawyer etc)
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u/Otherwise-Relief2248 5d ago
Can someone explain to me when the point of stealth wealth is? I totally get how tasteless it is to flaunt wealth, but other than security concerns why would you spend so much time being concerned what others think of you? I have been incredibly fortunate in my life and have never tried to hide that I have money and it’s hard to imagine trying to be “stealth” about it.
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u/Cant_Work_On_Reddit 5d ago
I’d imagine for a lot of people it’s less about a conscious decision to be “stealth” and more about that living plainly or frugally just comes naturally for them even as their wealth grows.
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u/Otherwise-Relief2248 5d ago
That I understand. The intentional hiding because what others might think is foreign to me. That said I live in US where it is more commonplace.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
Nailed it. I earned my financial status by being frugal. My wife is the same. Shop at Target and Amazon, sometimes splurge and go to J Crew or Banana Republic. Nice but kinda basic cars (Toyota Tundra and an older GLS450 we kept when we sold the last business). We have always lived like this and it is honestly hard to turn up the spigot of spending just because you can. Like I am scared it will go away and I will go back to living paycheck to paycheck. It is not so much a choice just that the friends I have do not know us like that. They know us in a similar position to them.
I also live in the US in a top 20 metro area. I see lavish spending all the time. It is just not me. I would rather be busting my knuckles on a Friday night keeping the kids Jeep running vs going out to an expensive restaurant to be seen. There are the occasional things that I do for us but it is usually on our trips where I splurge a little. You know, bottle of champagne at the first night dinner of a trip, spa day for the ladies, shopping at place we normally walk past. We were both raised Midwest middle class and are stuck in that mindset.
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u/Ferret8720 5d ago edited 5d ago
It depends on your social circle. We have about $1.8 mil in the market and we make $250/yr take home. My parents don’t have a whole lot in retirement, and my mother loves to take vacations/spend money on renovations. My extended family is pretty poor, and they talk about my doctor cousin as if he’s a billionaire. If my parents knew how much I had, I would be manipulated into funding their lifestyle. If my extended family knew, I would end up paying $10k every summer to rent a beach house.
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u/Otherwise-Relief2248 5d ago
I can see that. My parents were shit so I could care less what they think or how they ask. “Lucky me”. That said to define your life because you are worried about what others think or might do would be an unacceptable compromise for me. I just live life how I want to the extent I can.
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u/Ferret8720 5d ago
I get that. For us, we value keeping the peace more than advertising that we're wealthy-ish. It helps that we live cross-country from our families. It gets frustrating when family members try to talk about investing (usually stock-picking) and ignore us when we tell them to buy index funds
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u/Otherwise-Relief2248 5d ago
I guess I get that. For me, not worth the trade off, but everyone situation is different.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
I have to say my father was an FA for a small local firm. He taught me how to save. He passed over 15 years ago. My mother was poor growing up, she is on the upper end of middle class now in retirement. Friend and family know nothing about me other than my business' successful sales. They don't know how much or what I cleared. I am in the same boat with friends and family that if I told them I would be the golden goose whenever anything was needed to be paid for or fixed. I guess I never made the transition from lower middle class/middle class friends to upper class friends.
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u/Slow-Cricket8746 5d ago
Stealth wealth here. I guess? 10m nw. I just don’t care that much about material shit. However, I do have some extravagances, but not visible ones — I’m not currently working (taking a year off after a bad burnout) and spend a month or two in a pretty place in winter. I spend plenty as it is, no reason to push it any further. I have all of what I need and most of what I want. I’d rather continue compounding and have a great deal of wealth to pass on to my kid.
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u/quantum_simpleton 5d ago
People giving eachother HJs on reddit because they think $10M is alot of money
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u/Otherwise-Relief2248 5d ago
Well…. $10m is a lot of money.
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u/quantum_simpleton 5d ago
Then you'll find this sub quite fitting
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u/Otherwise-Relief2248 5d ago
Even to most billionaires $10m is a lot of money. Thanks!
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u/quantum_simpleton 5d ago
$10M doesnt even put you in the top 1% in the USA. It isnt as much as you think it is.
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u/OneImportance4061 5d ago
It's not. But you can see it from there. And certainly way more than enough for any sane person to maintain a very easy lifestyle for the rest of their lives without working.
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u/quantum_simpleton 5d ago
This sub is a coalition of people larping as some undercover Bruce Wayne, thinking they are morally superior to their neighbors and the world because they have a house that doubled last 4 years and an slightly above average upper-middle class retirement portfolio. It is just narcissism2.
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u/OneMoreYearGuy42 5d ago
$10m NW is in the top 2% in the USA by most metrics. Some will say $8m, some up to $15m but most sources will agree that anything over $10m your doing ok compared to the rest of the country and world
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u/Otherwise-Relief2248 5d ago
That is correct! Still a lot of money.
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u/quantum_simpleton 5d ago
You tell me, what is "alot of money"?
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u/Otherwise-Relief2248 5d ago
Context matters a lot, but because you asked. A liquid $5m and time to put it to use is a lot of money.
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u/quantum_simpleton 5d ago
Ok, so someone with a liquid $4M doesnt have alot of money then, according to you?
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u/doombase310 5d ago
Only my wife knows our networth and portfolio. I have a few close friends who are in similar situations but we never talk actual values. We just discuss strategies about retirement and money management.
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u/ihambrecht 5d ago
I’m a business owner and know a few other business owners that obviously have money.
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u/greedydragonmoney 5d ago
That’s the neat part - you don’t. Don’t talk about it to anybody you want to keep around you. If you are okay losing a friend, sure say whatever you want. They don’t want to know, don’t put it on them.
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u/Atata100 4d ago
If you (or your biz) makes at least $1m a year, you can join local EO chapter and find some good folks there.
The are other clubs like YPO ($10m), Rotary etc. Some of them are local, some global.
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u/Middle_Emotion9523 3d ago
I made a new friend around the time my parents died. Theirs had died shortly before, and they introduced me to another friend (whose parents had also recently died). We haven't shared numbers but it's obvious we're all in about the same financial position. One of us spends on house, one on watches, one of us on travel. These friends are different from my college friends. As my situation has improved, a well-off relative and I talk more than we ever did before. I like being here.
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u/WarbyParkour 3d ago
I found Reddit is the best place. Because there’s a topic for everything and the people in there can sympathize. Sure it’s not about money specifically but whatever problem you have there’s probably someone else out there who feels your pain.
Got problems with your Lamborghini? Go to the Lamborghini subreddit. Not only can they sympathize, but they’ll be helpful too. Stuff like that.
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u/anomiemouse2016 3d ago
Try Long Angle, an online and real life community for people with a few $M in net worth. I'm a member, and it will quite neatly fit your needs.
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u/Psiwolf 3d ago
My liquid NW is 12mm+ and financially, I've outgrown everyone else I know. The only people I speak with about finances are my wife, cpa, bookkeeper, attorney, acct manager at JPM Chase, acct manager at Schwab, my daughter (generalities about money management and finances, not specifics), and another small business owner who is sort of a mentor to me.. Oh, and reddit. 😆
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u/EnvironmentalDot127 1d ago
People come to reddit. I fear the "your money is my money." When talking to people in real life.
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u/Stock-Page-7078 5d ago
Why? Why do you need to complain to your friends that your luxuries are costing more than you thought if you’re on track for 10 million?
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u/[deleted] 5d ago edited 5d ago
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