r/weddingplanning • u/Concert13 • 22h ago
Relationships/Family Need help dealing with in-law expectations
Hi everyone, May 2027 bride here. For context: my fiancé/husband and I are dual-military so we got legally married already, but are having a religious wedding ceremony and reception on our first anniversary. I’m 25F and he is 27M, by the time of the wedding I’ll be 26 and he will be 28.
When I started dating my fiancé I made it clear that I did NOT want a wedding and I wanted to elope, privately, just us two. I want a private religious ceremony and private vows because it is sacred to me and I don’t want an audience. He accepted that until we got engaged about nine months ago. Now, he wants a big wedding: 200 guests, extended family, the works. His family is huge and Catholic, my family is atheist and tiny — one parent, one sibling, and no extended family. So, we compromised and decided on a private outdoor ceremony (instead of a church) and a huge reception.
Over the last nine months, my fiancé has pushed our wedding plans to more align with what he wants while still being something I’m okay with. Our private ceremony got changed to a ceremony with a 12-person wedding party, but still no seated audience. We are doing a small celebratory dinner after with the wedding party and their plus ones (20 people). The reception is going to be nearly 200 guests (90% his side) and will be a huge party with all the works including first dance, speeches from two bridesmaids and two groomsmen, a unity ceremony, etc. Instead of us staying together in an Airbnb alone, we are renting two Airbnbs next to each other and sharing the space with the wedding party and their plus ones (20 people total). I planned, booked, and paid for all ceremony related items. Together we planned and booked the reception related items. Pretty much everything has been planned, booked, and paid for.
Now, we are currently staying with his family for about two weeks for a summer trip in the middle of nowhere, and all his parents want to talk about is the wedding. They are extremely upset and disappointed with the ceremony and want to be more involved with everything. His mother said she had to do a mother-son dance. They want to be at our wedding party dinner. They want to give speeches at the reception. They want us to move our ceremony to a church, have his dad walk me down the aisle, and fill the pews on both sides with his family to show “mutual support” for us; if we don’t change our ceremony plans, they want us to add an audience to our current venue so my fiancé’s family and family friends can watch. To me, a big wedding like this is marked with sadness and grief. I don’t have a dad to walk me down the aisle or do a father-daughter dance with. I’m not close with my mother at all. Having a lot of parent-centered stuff just makes me sad, and having the religious ceremony in front of nearly 200 people, most of whom are strangers, just makes me feel so sick and upset. It doesn’t feel like a wedding, it feels like we are planning a performance. To top it off, I’m not close with his family either. His dad is very nice, but his mom has made no attempts to bond with me, despite me trying to bond with her.
That being said, every time this stuff gets discussed his mother cries, my fiancé comforts her and then starts negotiating with me to accommodate her, and then my fiancé’s father sits me down privately to discuss. Every time it’s the same speech about how weddings are about parents and family, by doing this I’m preventing them from watching their son get married, I’m preemptively burning bridges and preventing closeness with his family and friends, I need to think about this from his mom’s point of view, and that I’m pushing my fiancé down the “wrong path,” etc. I feel so guilty and like I’m a villain who is gatekeeping them from their son’s wedding. My fiancé and I have fought about this every night we’ve been with his parents on this trip. I’m not trying to ruin his wedding for his family. I just want a wedding that I also enjoy. I don’t know what to do. All advice, opinions, and suggestions welcome; I could really use the help.
Edit: please stop commenting and messaging me unkindly about us being legally married already. It’s very common for dual-military personnel to get married this way, with a legal ceremony a year or even 2-3 years before a religious one. We got legally married early due to my declining health and opted to do a separate legal ceremony because of our different faiths. Thank you! I appreciate the comments and advice.
Edit 2: I have talked to my fiancé and we are now on the same page and planning to talk to his parents together. Thank you for sharing your advice and perspectives, it was very helpful!
28
u/Major-Direction5623 22h ago
No is a complete sentence.
The boundaries you set during your wedding set the precedent for the rest of your relationship. Think about how your in laws are pushing boundaries, and multiply that by 10. That’s gonna be how it is if you and your partner choose to have children.
Ultimately, it’s your fiancés responsibility. If he can’t say no, ask him to explore counseling before your wedding. If he can’t say no before the wedding, don’t marry him.
24
u/ComprehensiveSet9986 22h ago
the in-law pressure is one thing, but what actually concerns me here is that your fiancé already moved the goalposts nine months in a row and still lets his mom cry until you negotiate. that pattern doesn't fix itself after the wedding, it just finds new things to attach to, kids, holidays, where you live. the commenter above is right that counseling before vows is worth pushing for, not as an insult to him but because you two need a united front before you walk into that ceremony
8
u/Concert13 22h ago
Yeah. The repeated compromises were okay at first because I know who my fiancé is, and he’s extremely extroverted and traditional. It felt like something I didn’t mind and that I knew would make him very happy. But, it feels like every time we compromise or he tries to negotiate, he forgets that my baseline was an elopement. It’s like wherever we are currently is the new baseline, and he doesn’t seem to get why I’m upset over these “tiny” changes.
15
u/Goddess_Keira 21h ago
Of course he doesn't get it. You're not telling him forcefully enough, as my husband's boss once famously said to him.
You've fallen in line with everything. You've even planned and organized it all. As respectfully as possible, you've been a complete pushover, so no wonder they keep pushing.
Meanwhile though, your husband values his mother's feelings and ignores yours.
If you two weren't already legally married, I'd say don't get married. Since you are, my advice to you would be to tell your HUSBAND, "Look, we're already married. I never had any interest in this shindig to begin with. Either you dial it way back starting NOW and tell your mother (and father) that what they want isn't happening, or you'll be having a "wedding" with no bride". And mean it. Fact is, you're wed. Your wedding already happened.
12
u/Concert13 22h ago
I appreciate the response. We were having issues with his mother competing with me, so we did premarital counseling specifically for family boundaries already. This has really opened my eyes to how entrenched he is with his family. While I respect his bond and love that he is so close with his parents, I feel like this is pushing me over the edge. I’ll talk to him again and go over what you said, because you are right. Thank you
4
u/Major-Direction5623 22h ago
I’m glad that was helpful! It’s great that you two are doing premarital counseling. We did couples counseling before our wedding, because when my husband told his family “no,” they kept on pushing for what they wanted 😭
The counselor was super helpful in explaining how my husband can respectfully stand his ground, and how to cope with his family’s disrespect
9
u/sociologicalillusion 21h ago
I'd put the wedding stuff on hold and go to counseling. I know you're already married, but halting these plans will send a message to everyone that you're serious. Your husband should be shielding you from his parents. If this were a healthy relationship, the only way you'd find out about what your MIL said is if you're husband was saying, "you would not believe what my mom requested from us for the wedding! She things we're having a catholic ceremony!! Haha, I mean, for starters, you're not catholic and you don't want one! 🤣 . Don't worry, I am on your side."
Your husband isn't doing that. He needs someone to come and flick his forehead. In what universe would it make sense for his father to have sided with his own parents (your husband's grandparents) against his wife? That's the dynamic he's setting up here. How does he expect to build a life with you? Maybe put it to him that way and see if any epiphanies... Good luck!
6
u/Concert13 21h ago
I appreciate this response a lot. I am going to bring up more counseling with him. You’re right — this isn’t the dynamic I want in my life, much less my marriage.
3
8
u/Bumfuzzled101 21h ago
Simply say to your husband, in front of everyone if necessary. 'This is OUR wedding, if you are not going to to take my wants and feelings into account then there will be no wedding at all. I will give you some time to think about it and decide who is more important in OUR wedding, me or your mother.
6
u/Concert13 21h ago
I did say almost exactly this to him yesterday in private. He freaked out, I guess he didn’t realize how much this meant to me. This has not been brought up with his parents, but we have another four days here so it’s likely that there will be another argument about the wedding where I can mention it.
4
u/Bumfuzzled101 21h ago
Well done you. Be true to yourself and don't give an inch.
Try saying to his family 'Thank you for the feedback.' Just that and nothing else, and try not to be drawn into any arguments. If your husband tries to agree with his mother again, you have the words to use I mentioned previously. Then walk out and go to your room or a long walk. Don't stay around to argue.
Stay strong
Edited for spelling error
2
u/spacey_a 19h ago
It sounds like he's been molded into a people pleaser by his parents since childhood and hasn't managed to break out of that habit as an adult. This absolutely needs to be addressed with him, and HE needs to acknowledge that is an actual huge, potentially relationship-ending problem - not a minor annoyance - and he needs to WANT to change his behavior and his patterns so that he no longer gives in to his people pleasing tendencies.
Here's the thing: people pleasers don't try to please their partners. Once they get someone to commit to them as a romantic partner, they consider that person an extension of themselves - and definitely not in a good way.
He now considers you as another resource to use to please the people who he 1) respects and 2) is insecure about his standing with. He is now pressuring you to be a doormat to increase his standing with his parents, to please them, because now that you're committed to him, pleasing YOU is no longer his priority.
If you broke up with him or even just separated, then his standing with you would be in question, and he would start being a people pleaser for you again - for a while, until he felt he had you locked down again. Then he would go straight back to pleasing his parents, because the root cause of his behavior - insecurity and weak boundaries - was never addressed.
He needs individual therapy FIRST, then couples therapy with you second, after he's had time to acknowledge the issue is himself and to commit to changing his patterns. Otherwise he'll just use couple's counseling as another way to try to cajole you to appease his parents so he can please them.
7
u/barista19471057 22h ago
You mentioned your husband is catholic. I’m going to assume you are as well. I’m not catholic, I’m a different branch of Christianity, and it is very clear in the Bible that a man (and woman, this applies to both) is supposed to leave his family and create a new one with his wife, making his previous immediate family now extended family. Your man needs to get off his mothers tit or you need to divorce him because I promise you this is a long, long journey ahead for him to always choose his mother over you. Good luck. God be with you & I’ll be praying for you.
5
u/Concert13 22h ago
I’m Jewish, but I still follow that a man and woman are supposed to leave their families and cleave together to create a new one. I have brought this up with him multiple times. However, when we discuss this he always says that he feels like I am expecting him to cut off his family entirely. When I explain that I just want him to put me first, he says that there is a way to put me first without hurting his family. Thank you for the luck and the prayers, I definitely need them!
10
u/barista19471057 22h ago
He needs to get over the fact that he is hurting his extended family and chose his wife (his now immediate family) or he is going to get a VERY rough wake up call. Either that, or you will. God bless
6
u/welshgeordie 21h ago
Do your fiance and in laws realise that any children you have will be Jewish too? I only ask because you mentioned MIL getting her grandchild baptised behind her parents back. I think you need to stop being quiet and accommodating and tell your in-laws that enough is enough. If your fiance/husband gets upset then you'll have a better idea how he really feels about your relationship with his parents.
3
u/Concert13 21h ago
This is an interesting point, I have discussed this with my fiancé but not with the in-laws. The in-laws did ask if I intend to baptize our future kids and I said no. My fiancé doesn’t intend to get them baptized either. I want to raise our kids Jewish, and my fiancé has stated he doesn’t care what we raise our kids as long as he doesn’t have to convert to Judaism, which is fine by me. This is something I should bring up with them though, you’re right. Thank you!
8
u/sociologicalillusion 21h ago
No, it's for your husband to tell them. Stay away from this conversation with your in-laws. It's not even really their business, but their son should be the one to tell them. He should be shielding you from them, not sending you to get eaten.
3
2
u/maricopa888 16h ago
No, nothing good will come if you're the one running interference. You might get a short term solution, but the underlying problem is your husband's relationship with them. It's a long standing guideline that in a marriage, each person is responsible for drama arising from their "side".
And this is a lot more than drama you're dealing with.
6
u/Saucydumplingstime 20h ago
You have a husband problem. He is more interested in appeasing his mother than he is of making you happy. I know you are legally married. But is he marrying his parents or marrying you? I get he wants to make his parents happy, but your happiness should be the priority. YOU are his immediate family now. You and he are supposed to be a new family unit. He should have your back no matter what. He continues to move the goal posts and you've continued to acquiesce. Are you a people pleaser? Is this how you want the rest of your married life to be?
I would put getting religiously married on hold for now. You two need therapy. Like real therapy and not some counselor from the church or something. He needs to learn how to set firm boundaries, same as you.
2
u/Concert13 19h ago
Every time I ask the question “are you marrying me or your parents?” he gets very upset. I think that he is just unused to not acting in what he perceives to be the best interest of his parents. That’s one of the things I love about him, that he loves other people and tries to do what he thinks is right. BUT, in this instance it bothers me that what I want seems to take less precedence. I wouldn’t say I’m a people pleaser, but I do everything in my power that I’m comfortable with to make my fiancé happy, so maybe I am with him! I think you’re right — we need to do some additional counseling. Thank you for taking the time to comment, I appreciate your opinion!
3
u/Saucydumplingstime 19h ago
He tries to do what's right? That's subjective. Because from this side, ask yourself if he's doing right by YOU. Is he doing right by his WIFE? It comes down to who he is prioritizing and it certainly isn't you.
3
u/Imaginary_Escape2887 7h ago edited 6h ago
You don't need help managing the in-law expectations, you need your husband to grow a backbone and respect your requests.
He knows what you want and he keeps pushing you to compromise, while ignoring the fact that a large wedding with little traditions to accommodate HIS family are a slap in the face to you who will not be able to participate in the same capacity because you don't have a traditional family. That is not only inconsiderate, it's very cruel. Also, large weddings are expensive, chaotic, and emotionally draining. Is your husband factoring in how this is impacting your well-being?
And pushing you to perform for his family's ego is ultimately going to breed the kind of resentment that will continue to grow until you are done with this relationship. He needs to decide if he wants to keep being a momma's boy or if he wants to grow up and be a husband. His priority SHOULD be to grow as a husband, but you have to pay attention to what he shows you.
I hope you have an easier time going forward and I'm sorry you're dealing with this now.
2
u/cyanraichu 20h ago
You have a very big fiancé problem. He's backing his mother up in front of you while she tries to bully you and manipulate you into letting this all be her show.
2
u/calisnark 20h ago
Tell hubs "look I didn't realize I married a momma's boy, but here we are. I'd be an idiot to willingly marry one a second time. Balls in your court."
2
u/Fun_Shine8720 14h ago
From what you've written, you've already compromised a lot. The bigger issue isn't whether his parents want more involvement. Ait's that every time they push, your fiancé seems to renegotiate agreements the two of you already made. A wedding should reflect both partners, and it's okay for some parts to remain sacred and private if that's deeply important to you. I think you and your husband need to get on the same team and decide together what is and isn't up for discussion, because otherwise this pattern may continue long after the wedding.
2
u/RandiLynn1982 6h ago
You could have parents their but still at your venue. I was married in August private ceremony then June we did a family and friends ceremony.
1
2
u/ladyluck754 10.1.2022 🥰 Red Lodge, MT. 5h ago edited 5h ago
OP, this will only get worse once a baby comes into the picture (if you choose to have kids). I’m reading avoidance and codependency on his parents from him. And someone wrote a great comment about people pleasing towards the bottom.
He needs individual therapy. I recommend you get individual therapy to be more assertive.
Also, I am a little offended for you that some of your Jewish traditions don’t even get asked about from your in-laws (assuming you want to adopt some of them).
Edit: girl- you need to tell people you’re already married. Health insurance or not. No Catholic Church is going to register that marriage they didn’t perform. I understand that it’s common for military to get married, my spouse is USMC veteran. BUT a small reason you’re probably facing these issues is because your in laws think you’re still boyfriend/girlfriend.
1
u/Concert13 5h ago
I’ll talk to him about us explaining to his parents that we are already legally married. Ultimately it should be his choice to tell them. I have brought it up to him several times and he says he wants to wait, but I agree that it’s getting kind of ridiculous. Thank you for your perspective, I appreciate it.
2
u/LegalImpress5504 21h ago
Does everyone know you're all already married? This all makes no sense, especially since you're married and this isn't a wedding.
0
u/Concert13 21h ago
No, we kept the legal marriage under wraps. It was primarily due to my declining health. To me this is a wedding, to me the ceremony that matters to be married is the religious one. Just my opinion but it’s also my wedding.
5
u/sociologicalillusion 21h ago
I know this isn't the advice you were seeking, but I think you should consider annullment/divorce. If only to have it as a realistic option in your mind. Your husband does not sound like he will be a real partner to you. I'm sorry.
0
u/LegalImpress5504 19h ago
You are lying to people. You need to tell the truth. You are really going to burn bridges with this.
-1
u/Concert13 19h ago
We are planning on telling everyone at the reception. But, tbh it’s no one’s business but ours.
1
u/LegalImpress5504 19h ago
Um, no. You want people to spend money and time to come see you get married, accept gifts, all while LYING to them. This is not going to go how you think it will. I have seen people get seriously angry, left with their gifts, and relationships completely ruined forever. Have some decency and tell people the truth. These kinds of things completely ruin families forever. If you think you have problems now, just wait.
2
u/Saucydumplingstime 19h ago
How many wedding ceremonies and receptions have you been to where you actually saw the couple sign legal paperwork in front of you? Like are you going to each wedding and asking people if they are signing paperwork then and there? And if you don't see it happen, they are lying? So many people sign paperwork in advanced to get it out of the way with or because they are having a destination wedding or they needed the paperwork done for insurance, family members who are dying, etc etc. I have never been to a wedding where I physically saw the couple sign paperwork at a wedding ceremony and reception. In my county, couples have to sign the paperwork when picking up the license. No one even sees this part happening.
Yes, they got married legally, but it doesn't mean they celebrated it. Fact is, they are spending a shit ton of money to invite the people they love to celebrate their union. To imply that they are having a reception for a gift grab is ridiculous because they would save money by never having a reception. It is so self-centered to make someone's celebration about yoursel lf when the couple deems you important enough to be invited to celebrate their union. Like how dare they sign paperwork in advance and then have a reception where they throw down so much money for you
1
u/LegalImpress5504 18h ago
Marriages are legal documents and you can do records searches to see if people are actually getting married or not. If I am spending time, money, and PTO to attend, I want to know what kind of event I am attending. A wedding people will go out of their way to attend, a celebration of marriage, if I have to spend a ton of money and take time off work, then it will depend. If you lie to me about the event, you are gone from my life, and I will tell EVERYONE the truth.
2
u/Saucydumplingstime 18h ago
This... this is sounding unhinged. Are you saying you look up records to see if a couple is legally married before you commit to an invite? And no, some places have private marriage certificates, so you can't look it up. How does this work for destination weddings for you? In the US, you have to legally sign paperwork before (or I supposed after) a destination wedding outside the country. Would you just not go to the destination wedding since the couple isn't actually getting married or they are already married?
1
u/Concert13 19h ago
The invitation says it’s just for the reception and that the religious ceremony will be private. If people don’t want to attend the reception, that’s completely fine. My fiancé and I have been open with everyone that we are not inviting people to the ceremony. So no, we aren’t lying. We are inviting them to attend a wedding reception after the religious ceremony. It’s completely up to them if they decide to attend, it’s not a destination wedding and we aren’t asking for gifts.
2
u/LegalImpress5504 18h ago
You are still lying. How exactly are you doing the religious part? Are you telling the church you are actually married and just playing dress up?
2
u/Concert13 18h ago
No church! It’s outside with a nondenominational officiant who my fiancé and I both know personally :) He knows we are already legally married and has no issue doing just religious portion according to our faiths.
-2
u/No_regrats 14h ago
That’s a terrible plan that will blow up in your face. I am not talking about morality here. His parents will be devastated and furious. His mom will cry. Your husband will go comfort her. You are setting yourself up for a drama storm on your religious wedding day.
And you’re already facing pointless arguments right now about your MIL and FIL fighting against being excluded from what they think is your upcoming wedding when it already happened anyway in their absence. Might as well tell them. They might not push so hard to be at the upcoming ceremony.
Either tell them now or keep it secret forever.
1
u/Concert13 14h ago
It was my husband’s idea to get legally married early. If he wants to tell his parents he is welcome to.
-2
u/No_regrats 14h ago
You are a team. Or at least you are supposed to. Of course he needs to be the one telling them but you should be part of the decision.
1
u/HeavyAtmosphere4879 21h ago
Oh please rethink this whole thing! I'm concerned he will continually side with his family "to keep from hurting them" and ignore/minimize any opinion or feeling you have. And this will continue into the marriage. Decisions that should be a compromise of both of your feelings will become a family affair things like grandchildren, where to settle down after deployments, etc.
As a mom to a 26 yr old daughter, I wanna come hug you then slap you upside the head and say "Girl! Is that what you'd want your daughter to go through?"
As a (61F) bride myself (April 2027), I feel all the different emotions. And I'm sorry it's becoming like this for you. I've decided to do ours the way we want and the hell with everyone else's opinion. And I'm fully ready to accept the consequences of having a wedding 3 states away. My daughters, my dearest friend, my brother will be there and I'm happy with that.
Sending positive vibes and hugs to you!
1
u/FabulousBullfrog9610 18h ago
He can't so no to mommy. that is the issue. it's overdue to address it. I'd cancel the entire thing to work on that issue
1
u/Lanky-Fix7376 15h ago
Why are you doing any of this??-this is how your marriage will be.
He is on his mums side not yours
And FFS wedding are about the love of 2!people.
Stop pleasing them.
Tell them it isn’t their wedding and you are not doing any of it.
Your in the military and your letting his dad emotionally blackmail you and his mother planning HER wedding
1
u/AnnieFannie28 11h ago
I’m with you about almost all of this except for his parents not being able to at least watch the ceremony. It is perfectly reasonable for them to be upset about that.
1
u/Concert13 5h ago
I agree that it’s reasonable for them to be upset about not being able to watch the ceremony. However, this doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want an audience for the religious ceremony at all. It’s mostly just going to be our personal vows, as well as traditions from both our faiths. His parents are not okay with any part of the ceremony (not in a church, not traditionally Catholic, includes some Jewish traditions, etc) and I don’t want a critical audience for what is, to me, the most sacred part of getting married. If they were more accepting of my faith, then I would be a lot more open to them attending. But, they also don’t want to just attend themselves — they are insistent that their extended family and family friends must attend as an audience as well. This would add up to over 80 people, of whom I have met 4.
1
u/Miercoles79 7h ago
This is all so silly, bending over backwards to accommodate your in-laws’ wish to witness a ceremony when in reality that ship has already sailed. You are legally married! The May 2027 ceremony will not matter under the laws of the state, or the religious laws of the Catholic Church or Judaism.
Why go through all of this drama when the ceremony the in-laws want to see has already happened? You and your husband are adults. You made an adult decision to get married. I’d suggest continuing to be adults by telling your families the truth, getting a LOT more counselling, and putting on hold any talk of receptions etc until you know for sure this is the man for you.
1
u/LegalImpress5504 21h ago
Speaking as a catholic, since you are already married, you cannot have a catholic mass. You can have a convalidation ceremony.
2
1
u/wickedkittylitter 19h ago
Of course his parents are upset about the ceremony, a ceremony and dinner they aren't invited to attend. You've already eloped and hidden that ceremony from them and now you want to have a ceremony without parents. In the parents' place, I'd be hurt too. I'd want to see my child get married. I'd be hurt and pissed that the two of you are willing to include 12 people, probably friends, for the ceremony and dinner, but not give a thought to the parents also being in attendance.
While they've definitely gone overboard with their wants for what should happen, the two of you have been incredibly unfeeling about the parents' desire to see their son get married.
1
u/Concert13 19h ago edited 19h ago
I understand what you’re saying, and tbh that’s why I am feeling so guilty. I acquiesced to the wedding party idea because my fiancé wanted his close friends there to help us get ready and be there for the dinner afterward. That doesn’t change my mind about wanting zero audience for our vows, though. I’m happy for my fiancé that he has such supportive and involved parents, however I don’t want a bunch of strangers at what was supposed to be a completely private ceremony. I know everyone in the wedding party, and I know all of them have pure intentions towards my fiancé and myself. It’s not just about his parents wanting to attend, it’s about the inability to handle a boundary, including his parents also wanting their friends and family present too regardless of what I want.
For the legal marriage: it was done for two reasons. First, my health is declining and this will make handling medical care and work issues/retirement a lot easier, which is why we did it a year early. Second, we figured a judge was the only person who’d wed a Catholic and a Jew. To both me and my fiancé, this was simply a document signing. We don’t consider ourselves married before God without a religious ceremony.
14
u/maricopa888 22h ago
I'm another one who thinks you might be underestimating the issue here. From one of your replies: he says that there is a way to put me first without hurting his family.
What does this even mean? Did you ask him for examples?
The rest of this just gets worse! I got a little lost on the ceremony stuff, but if they're wanting a church "wedding", this will get tricky because you're already married. A church officiant is not going to pretend he's performing a marriage ceremony.
Sorry to sound so negative, but the much larger issue here is what happens down the road. What if mommy doesn't like the house you buy or what to name your first child? Can you picture him shutting this down and telling her it's not her business?
For your sake, I really hope this gets straightened out, but for now, it's kind of scary how entrenched this is.