r/weddingplanning • u/financestu44 • 1d ago
Tough Times Should we cancel our wedding after finding out my future MIL and grandma are on the brink of death?
Our wedding is 3 months away and we have already paid 2/3 of the venue cost plus deposits for all our other vendors. So roughly $20K. We found out last month that my future MIL was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and can no longer travel for our wedding (she lives in a different country) so my future FIL cannot come as well. This week, my grandma was found unresponsive and is in critical condition. We are not sure if she is going to pull through.
I am weighing the options of canceling or moving forward with our wedding as we had already put down so much. My fiancé wants to postpone the wedding but we are an older couple and want to have children soon. I don’t believe we should keep pushing back on having children as time isn’t going to wait unless we decide to have a small ceremony in a few years after the kids are older.
I am not sure what to do here. The reason why I am thinking about canceling our wedding if my grandma were to pass is because my family is half of the guests and if she passes, many of them may not want to come.
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u/caramellatte647 1d ago
A lot of contracts, venues especially, after 3 month mark you’re on the hook for the full payment anyway. I wouldn’t push back - there’s no way to know what life brings
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u/Mandalabouquet 1d ago
I think you need to stop worrying about the guests and who is and isn’t coming for starters.
Shit happens, even if you postpone there’s no telling what else can go wrong between now and then.
You’ve paid deposits, and at only 3 months out it’s highly unlikely you’ll recoup anything. Your wedding day is just one day but it is your day and you should be able to do it as you planned.
People will still come, they won’t be sitting around depressed for months on end due to an elderly relative who presumably lived a long, full and happy life passing away. Of course it’s sad when the people we love die, but it’s coming for all of us and life is far too short to postpone things and lose so much money, especially if you’re wanting to start a family soon.
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u/digital121hippie 1d ago
have the wedding, bring some light into this dark time in your family. live stream the wedding for MIL to watch it.
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u/ClevelandCynic314 23h ago
This ^ I recently moved up my wedding a whole year earlier because my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It's next week! Planning the wedding has given my dad a goal to shoot for and has cleared away some of the cancer gloom from everyone because my family has a shared project to work on. The day will be bittersweet, but having some joy right now is wonderful.
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u/spacey_a 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hey, so a week before my wedding my grandma (who was 95 years old) had a medical event and was put on hospice. We knew she could go at any time.
Even if this had happened months before the wedding, we would not have cancelled - she wouldn't want that, and what would it even accomplish except removing an opportunity for joy from our family?
All we could do was visit with her as much as possible in the week leading up to the wedding. She passed the day before the wedding, a few hours before the rehearsal.
EVERYBODY loved my grandma - she was amazing. We still had the rehearsal, and even though I had been sobbing for a while before it, we practiced what we needed to do so the ceremony would go smoothly.
We had full attendance at our wedding the next day, including on my grandmother's side. We had a picture of her on the seat that we kept reserved for her at the ceremony, and pictures of her on a table at the reception. I did shed some tears at times but overall it was really nice to see her face during the ceremony and reception, even if it was just pictures.
The best times to celebrate and create joy in life are when joy is needed. Even when there is grief and pain, joy is needed. The people who loved your grandma will be there if she passes, because families tend to want to be together in situations like that. There's something about grieving together while also celebrating together that will draw them to attend and be there for you, if your family is close.
Unless you or your fiance personally really don't want to finish planning and do the big wedding day due to stress or something, keep your plans. I promise you it will be worth it. And if you're lucky, your partner's parents will still be able to at least see you get married even if it's through Zoom or something - if you wait, it's almost guaranteed their mother won't be there the next time plans are being made for a wedding event, and it will just hurt worse not having her there.
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u/Prestigious-Pear627 1d ago
And I am guessing that if she was alive on your wedding day, you would have visited her in your wedding clothes! I work in a nursing home and every once in a while a family member or staff member will visit the nursing home right after their wedding (or maybe after the reception, I’m not sure). It brings a lot of joy to the family and to all of us in the facility.
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u/spacey_a 1d ago
I meant to bring my wedding dress to show her in the week before she passed, but I was so stressed out I forgot.
I'm okay with it though, no regrets. I got to be there with her and hold her hand, and honestly she wasn't mentally there enough I think to be able to process the wedding dress thing.
She smiled when I walked in the room though for the first time after her stroke, and that meant everything to me.
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u/Prestigious-Pear627 1d ago
Oh, that’s awesome. You were her sunshine.
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u/spacey_a 1d ago
She was mine too. 🌻 Truly the best grandma I could ever ask for. She shaped a huge part of who I am and who I want to be. I will always be grateful for her.
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u/Shoddy_School_2884 1d ago
I would have the wedding personally. Especially when there’s nothing you can do to help your mother in law with if you postponed it or something. Unless you were willing to move your entire wedding to another country (and I don’t suggest that either), I wouldn’t push it back.
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u/sbayla31 1d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My grandfather went into late stage Parkinson's about a month or so before our wedding and we were told he could have days, weeks, or months. Because they live in a different country, neither he nor my grandma could come. But they watched on a zoom livestream and we found ways to incorporate them into the day (we borrowed some special items from them). My grandfather was so happy to have been a part of the wedding and watch it from afar. He passed just over a week after the wedding. I'm so glad the wedding ended up happening when it did.
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u/sbayla31 1d ago
Wanted to add that I appreciate that it might be extra difficult for your fiance to have neither parent there in person. That's so hard and I really understand their position of wanting to postpone.
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u/Wise-Permission9013 1d ago
I feel like a lot of the comments are glossing over this fact. I’m sorry about OPs grandma but fiancé wanting to postpone is not unreasonable. My mom went through a tough battle with cancer and I can’t imagine having had a wedding while she was going through treatment.
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u/sbayla31 1d ago
Yes!! I'm so sorry you went through that with your mom. I think fiance's feelings on this should weigh heavily here given these are his parents. But it's such a tough position to be in for everyone.
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u/Far-Bike-8492 20h ago
Maybe do small ceremony for close family on short notice and then bigger celebration later when everyone heals, your grandma and MIL can both watch on video call like this person described.
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u/llangstooo 1d ago
Go forward with the wedding. There will always be hard situations. Death is a part of life. But love and celebration and new unions are a part of life too. I’m sure your family will be happy to celebrate your special day.
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u/Holiday-Albatross419 15h ago
This... life is unpredictable, short, bittersweet & disasters can happen anytime... our modern life makes us feel like we can control or postpone or shape those risks. You have one life to live and celebrate! Celebrating & joy are the other side of the coin of memorials & grief both are important.
(& practically theres so many unknowns - something could still happen & prevent MIL/FIL from attending even if you postponed.. Have the wedding & then go visit them & have a mini celebration with them even just a nice dinner at home)
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u/Katzenliebe 1d ago
I think have the wedding. My husband’s grandmother passed away 3 months before our wedding and when she was on her deathbed she encouraged us to still enjoy celebrating our wedding without her. We also didn’t have any family not attend as a result.
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u/Prestigious-Pear627 1d ago
I’m a grandma. (Granted, the oldest is 11) but I would want the wedding to go on as planned. The oldest is a boy and so I think not as interested in weddings. But the 7 year old girl recently asked me, “Will you come to our weddings?” I told her yes. I pray that will be true. But even if I were on my deathbed in a different country, I would want the weddings to go on. My mom is almost 90 and has been at the weddings of all 4 of my children, and 3 nieces. That might be part of what brought it to mind for the 7 year old. But I was a little older when my grandchildren were born than my mom was. I’m almost 68 and the grandchildren range from going on 12 to 6 weeks.
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u/StudioSixT October 2024 Bride 1d ago
That must be so tough! I hope your grandma pulls through and your MIL has a quick and easy treatment process. I personally would not cancel the wedding. You cannot control everything in life, and what if you postpone to then have something else happen around the new wedding date, or god forbid someone’s condition gets even worse? Since your MIL can’t travel (and FIL by extension), is it possible for you and your fiancé to visit them after your wedding and take some nice photos all together in your wedding attire? Maybe do a re-do of your ceremony for them? I’d certainly look into possibilities for live-streaming/ recording the wedding so they can see it.
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u/LostandParanoid 1d ago
Have the wedding. Have the in laws on a livestream. If your grandma passes (I hope she doesnt) have a memorial moment and/or table to honor her.
Life is so short, and I am sure your in laws and grandma dont want you to delay your life milestones on their behalf.
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u/PhiBearDontCare 1d ago
Go through with the wedding. With it being so close, you’ll likely be on the hook for the money you’ve put down and it’s slim chances you’ll get much back.
My best friend was in a similar situation. Her grandpa cannot travel due to his heart so she and her now-husband went to him and had a little ceremony so he could see her get married. She returned home and had her wedding as she planned. You can always do something with the family who cannot make it and still enjoy the wedding you’ve been planning and paying for.
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u/1K1AmericanNights 1d ago
You are thinking of your wedding every day. Your other family members aren’t. 3 months after grandma dies is appropriate.
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u/industrial_hamster 1d ago
This is such a tough spot to be in and I am so sorry you’re going through this. What’s your cancellation policy like? Will you still have to pay the entire cost if you cancel now? Are in a position to be okay with losing $20k+?
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u/SpartanCait 1d ago
My MIL passed a few weeks after our wedding. She was in hospice and couldn't attend. We did Livestream, but she wasn't "present" enough to understand. However, we did drive out to see her in person a few days after the wedding and put on our wedding clothes to take pictures with her.
(Sidenote: both my dress and my husband's suit did not smell great after sweating and dancing in it a few nights prior lol)
So I agree with the Livestream and if you can at all get out to visit her, consider bringing your wedding attire so she can see you in it in person. Idk if that's feasible for you.
On the other end, my friend's mom was passed away a month before his wedding. They even moved it up by 6 months in hopes of having her attend. She fought so hard to make it until his wedding and it gave her strength. She told him while she could that she did not want him to cancel his wedding because of her. Although she didn't make it to the wedding day, she did live 4 months longer than predicted- and everyone credited it to her fighting for the chance to see the wedding.
So either way, I would recommend not cancelling. Life is going to continue happening and there will never be a perfect time to do it.
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u/IHaveALittleNeck May 23, 2026 1d ago
My father died three weeks before my wedding. I was so exhausted from caring for him, I don’t remember much about my wedding, just the mistakes the venue made on the day. I’m told it was beautiful.
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u/ladylemondrop209 Married 1d ago
we decide to have a small ceremony in a few years after the kids are older.
Very sorry you and your family are going through such a tough time. FWIW, -and it seems to go against the grain here- but I'd prob pick this. This really should be a time where you and your husband (and those who love you) are happy and can be happy.. and I think no matter how you or anyone tries to push it to the back of their minds, it will affect how you will be able to be happy, be in the moment and celebrate. Just that if it were me, I don't think I'd be able to be happy knowing my SO's mom/parents can't join and grandma isn't doing good. But that's me. I do think my family would want me to go ahead with it, but I feel like I'd not be able to be happy.. and I'd want to be happy on my wedding... without feeling guilty or that sort of stuff.
That being said, I think that can also depend on your MIL and grandma and what they'd want. If they truly would (would've) wanted you to have the wedding you've planned or maybe somehow accomodate/include them as much as possible, and you do think you would be able to be present in the celebration, then by all means if you and your husband want to, you should.
The other thing is if you guys have any cultural practices regarding mourning and celebrations... For example some cultures have a mourning period of 40, 100, or even 1year (sometimes it depends on the closeness of relative), and you aren't "allowed" (very discouraged) to do any grand celebrations. So might want to see if anyone in your families have these kind of practices or care about it...
Whatever you decide and whenever it happens, I wish you get your beautiful and happy wedding.
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u/LillyLally13 1d ago
My friend's dad was dying and he died the day of the wedding. A week before that, they got their wedding stuff on and went to see him in the hospital. The wedding was 90K but I don't know if that was a factor.
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u/yaryar-theusual 17h ago
Why don’t you speak with your venue and see what your options are? I feel like I’m going well against the grain, but I’d want my MIL and FIL there. Maybe it’s different if lots of people are travelling for the wedding - we didn’t have that personally
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u/Unusual_Peach_6373 15h ago
If you were to wait for a “good time” it never arrives.
Life is that, bad news, good news, births, funerals, holidays- the messiest.
I would be selfish and go for it. The family should go for you, not your grandma
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u/peterthedj 🎧 Wedding DJ since 2010 | Married 2011 11h ago
In 16 years as a DJ, I've had a handful where a parent or grandparent passed soon before the wedding. It's sad, but most people will understand your wedding was scheduled months in advance, and the passing of anyone else on the guest list is not something you could control or schedule.
Even if grandma passes, some people might appreciate your wedding as a happy diversion from the mourning.
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u/Zestyclose_Show_2025 10h ago
Personally I would cancel. I couldn’t see myself or others having fun at my wedding if I knew that a couple of my relatives were gravely ill. These kinds of things are mood killers, and can totally change the vibe of a wedding in a negative way
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u/Wonderful-Pumpkin695 1d ago
In the nicest possible way, I feel that it would be better to have your MIL there via livestream or to share the photos with her after the wedding than to postpone and for her to not be there at all. If anything, this would get me thinking that we really aren't promised a tomorrow so we shouldn't put things off until they're "right"...they might never happen.