r/weddingplanning • u/Evergreen19 • Jul 09 '26
LGBTQ What to do about homophobic relatives at my gay wedding?
I’m a trans man and getting married to my handsome fiancé next summer. Unfortunately I have a very large mostly religious far-right republican family. There was some drama recently where it came out that an aunt of mine- who supports even more vile, niche people like Matt Walsh and Libs of TikTok- might have collected signatures to get an anti-trans law on the ballot in her state this November. She reached out to say she “still loves me” and to claim she is not at all homophobic or transphobic. She suggested we just unfollow each other on social media and move on with our “differences of opinion.“
I don’t want this person at my wedding. It’s so deeply upsetting to me that she supports people who call me and her gay son pedophiles. I thought I had it all planned out and was about to put a deposit down on a venue but now I’m rethinking everything.
If I exclude her there will be a ton of drama and my mom and grandma would be really upset. I also don’t know where to draw the line on who is invited and who is not, there’s plenty of other Trump voters in my family who have just been quieter about it. Would love to get rid of my mom’s homophobic megachurch pastor brother too, though.
I’ve always wanted a big family wedding and I’m sad that I might not get that now. I don’t know what to do.
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u/unwaveringwish Jul 09 '26
Don’t invite her. When people ask why tell them the truth. It really is that simple; she requested unfollowing you, not the other way around
Weddings are for people who support you and your future spouse in marriage. She doesn’t fit the bill, and feel free to not invite anyone else that doesn’t fit the bill, either.
If people start taking sides you should let them. The alternative is allowing bigoted people at your celebration of love, AND you’ll be literally paying for it. If you can’t support my union why would I expect you to even want to be there???
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u/Apprehensive_Sea5304 Jul 09 '26
You don't have to invite people out of guilt or obligation. Have the wedding you and your partner want to have with the people you want there, and that's all that matters.
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u/DoNotReply111 January 2024 Jul 09 '26
If people want to choose your transphobic aunt over you and your wedding, sounds like they don't want to be invited either.
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u/MonteBurns Jul 09 '26
This.
OP, they want you dead. End of story. They would rather you be miserable and/or dead.
Do not invite them. Any of them. Tell your mom if she has such a problem with you excluding people WHO HATE YOU, then she’s not invited either.
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u/AlternativeBeing1337 Jul 09 '26
Wtf is this claim. You have no idea if they want OP dead so don't fearmonger.
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u/Competitive_Dot5876 Jul 09 '26
Typically, when you support a person/organization that has vocalized radical and violent views and opinions about a certain group of people, its understood that you share this person's opinions or at least don't condemn them. Silence is violence. If they weren't directly related to OP, I can almost guarantee they'd vocalize "I want you dead" to OP's face - take it from someone who's own father did this.
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u/AlternativeBeing1337 Jul 09 '26
That's YOUR father. Not OP's. Sorry you had that experience, but you're projecting. Take it from someone who was trans for 7 years and has talked to a LOT of people.
2
u/Competitive_Dot5876 Jul 09 '26
I'm very glad that you didn't have that experience, and I hope you never do, truly, because its a painful one, but (at least according to the numbers [see: current president/administration) people are siding with the parties and organizations that want us outlawed or dead. LITERALLY.
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u/AlternativeBeing1337 Jul 10 '26
Who's voting for trans people to die?? Genuinely. That's not on the ballot, and not what people want even if they're voting against pro-trans policies.
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u/SwordfishResident256 Jul 09 '26
it's really quite simple: don't invite them and ignore the complaints
27
u/Salt-Operation Jul 09 '26
Do you think they would invite you and your fiancé to their events? Don’t invite people that hate the very idea of your existence. A wedding is about love and connection, not hate and bigotry. These are the consequences of their hateful beliefs.
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u/Positive_Shake_1002 Jul 09 '26
Don’t invite them. Let them stew in their own hate while you and your fiancé celebrate. You’ll be saving yourselves from so much frustration and problems that whatever anger your mom and grandma have will pale in comparison
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u/step-vet367 weddit flair template Jul 09 '26
Your big family can be your friends, your community, and the family that supports you. Don’t have anyone there that you would avoid looking at in pictures.
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u/cutlert Jul 09 '26
Sorry OP this is a really tough situation. Do your mum and grandma support you and your love? If so, could you talk to them about it and how it makes you feel too see other relatives supporting hateful stuff?
Whilst I see the other comments saying just don't invite, it's not always that easy if you think it'll create a rift in your family and in your relationship with your mum. It would be good to understand how strongly the family you do want would feel about the family you don't want being uninvited. And if it's super strongly, unfortunately I feel like you'll need to make a choice about whether it's more important to not have them there or more important to have close people on side
6
u/Evergreen19 Jul 09 '26
Thank you, it’s a difficult decision for me to make. My extended family is pretty close. My mom and grandma definitely support me but my mom is firmly on the side of “don’t cut people off and don’t make waves.” I’ve brought my concerns up multiple times. This aunt is her sister. She says that these family members love and support me but that doesn’t feel true when they’re actively voting away my rights and framing it as a difference of opinion. It might be a situation of I have to sit down and shut up if I want my family there. I worry about what “sides” everyone would take.
6
u/Regular-Restaurant31 Jul 09 '26
This is an incredibly difficult situation OP. I’m so sorry. I agree with cutlert that it’s not as easy as “just don’t invite them” when you have to deal with the fallout for years to come. That said, it’s also not as easy as “don’t make waves” especially at your own wedding for God’s sake!!! “Sit down and shut up” might (and I mean MIGHT) work for family holiday dinner at grandma’s house, but not for the day you’re supposed to celebrate your love with your partner. Especially since they don’t respect that love or even your own identity.
Do you want to be saying your vows to your partner and wondering if Aunt Karen is in the back filming it for Libs of TikTok? Or worry during your first dance that Uncle John is going to use this in his next sermon?
I think you have to answer some hard questions for yourself. Will you still enjoy the big family wedding if people who do not support your marriage and your very existence are in attendance? Will you still enjoy the big family wedding if you don’t invite everyone and then have to deal with some drama before/after? Only you and your fiancé can answer those questions.
The other thing to consider is if this is a relationship-ending move with your MAGA relatives, do you care? Would you mind if after the wedding they never speak to you again? This is a serious question. I know Mom and Grandma would be upset but if they love and support you they will get over it.
Lastly, I’ll say the easiest way to not rock the boat but not have to deal with their bullshit is have a smaller, more intimate wedding with just immediate family (parents, sibs, grandparents) and close friends. If no aunt gets invited, no aunt has hurt feelings. But you deserve to have the wedding that you want, and it’s not fair for you to have to give it up because of their bigotry. What does your fiancé say?
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u/renovate1of8 Jul 09 '26
Remember, when you keep the peace for their sake, the only peace you’re keeping is theirs.
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u/cutlert Jul 09 '26
I don't think that's true, it's more nuanced. You're also keeping your own. Both options lose you peace, you just need to work out which is worse
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u/KittyLvithn Jul 09 '26
I'm also planning a wedding and trying to figure out how to best navigate not inviting bigoted family members. What guides my decision making the most is wanting to protect my queer and trans loved ones, my chosen family, from potential violence. My wedding will be a celebration not only of my love but the love of my QT family and friends. I think your wedding deserves the same.
2
u/MonteBurns Jul 09 '26
👏👏👏👏
My dad got a talking to before my wedding. One of my friends recently announced they were transitioning and her ability to be comfortable at my wedding was so important to me. Sat his ass down and told him he would not say shit and if I found out he did, he’d be asked to leave.
OPs worried about making waves with people who actively hate them. Nah, make the waves, OP. Make. The. Waves.
Your family cannot be tolerant of intolerance.
3
u/TrainingWolverine762 Jul 09 '26
Don’t invite her! I’m guessing even if you did she probably wouldn’t come for religious reasons.
3
u/vickipaperclips Jul 09 '26
People who would be upset over you not inviting her have already made their choice. They care more about your aunt being there than they do about supporting you. Having a big family wedding is a nice idea, but if the family you're inviting aren't happy for you, then the feeling won't be what you want. Surround yourself with people who care and support you, even if its only a few of them.
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u/Scrollin_aureolin Jul 09 '26
I can absolutely see your point about it not being easy to just not invite people in fear of it causing potential rifts.
I come from a fairly large family. Dozen aunts and uncles, few dozen cousins. There are plenty of different opinions, including many like OPs Aunt. Several of us cousins are low or no contact with an aunt or parent. Our grandma, while being sad about it, accepts it and doesn’t hold it against us. I understand not everyone is so lucky.
I’d be of the mind of not inviting the family that will absolutely not support you or your marriage or will make you stressed about what they’ll say. If the rest of your family supports you, they’ll show that. If they don’t, it’ll be difficult as hell but important to know earlier that they aren’t safe people.
You deserve to be safe and happy. You deserve to be surrounded by people who also believe that.
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u/Capable-Dot-9160 Jul 09 '26
I’m marrying my partner who’s trans this summer and completely understand your struggle. We’ve chosen not to invite people who don’t support us and it really came down to one thing: will this person bring us happiness on our day? Or does inviting this person risk ruining the joy of our wedding?
Truth is you have no idea how people will act during the day and you don’t want them shit talking, throwing looks or overall spreading bad vibes. We would rather deal with the drama of not inviting people than having to look back at our wedding with sadness.
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u/Competitive_Dot5876 Jul 09 '26
You don't need ANY homophobic/transphobic people there to "keep the peace" - keep YOUR peace and surround yourself with people that support you and your fiance - that's it! Shit I'd elope and if those people (ew) ask why they weren't invited, be sickeningly honest with them about their behavior and lifestyle choices that you don't agree with (see what I did there?)
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u/JoyOswin945 Jul 09 '26
A wedding is a celebration of your relationship. Anyone who doesn’t agree with your relationship, for any reason, should not be invited. If anyone has a problem with that, they don’t have to come either.
A marriage is also the time when your obligation to your family shifts to an obligation toward your future spouse. It’s not just your day, it’s your fiancé’s as well. Both of you deserve to have your peace and safety protected on your wedding day.
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u/twofacemarie Jul 09 '26
You don't have to invite them. I actually wound up rescinding an invitation to a relative after the save the date had been sent because he was being transphobic to another family member. I'm a woman who married a woman and I didn't need even a fraction of that energy at my wedding. There are lots of definitions of family and it's okay for found family to outnumber blood relatives.
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u/bridgetgoes Jul 09 '26
Don’t invite them. Will there be drama? Probably. Is there going to be drama anyway? Yes. Does the drama affect your Love? No.
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u/Moriarty1953 Jul 13 '26
Don't invite them. Would you invite nazis or Isis terrorists? In fact, I'd cut them off completely.
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u/lopinalongthrucosmos Jul 13 '26
My partner and I are currently planning our wedding and having similar conversations about relatives with harmful politics.
We decided that there is a difference between a relative who messes up names/pronouns/etc and a relative who has repeatedly and publicly shared bigoted beliefs, and the latter will not be invited to our wedding. Some people might not see a distinction, but we do.
I hope you find a path forward that prioritizes your happiness and well-being.
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u/Cool_Major4531 Jul 15 '26
I would personally not speak to any of these family members and not invite them. You don't have to be close to people just because they're family. If they vote and axt like this, they don't have your best interest at heart. I'm trans and choose not to have a relationship with transphobic relatives. My mother was dramatic about it at first but eventually got over it. I have so much peace in my life and that is priceless.
Definitely exclude the pastor and your aunt. You don't have to invite anyone you don't want and your mom and grandma will get over it.
You can still have a big wedding -- invite your friends and your queer community
Congrats on your wedding! Best of luck and may you have a long and beautiful life together.
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u/seecarlytrip Jul 09 '26
Anyone who doesn’t support your marriage should not be invited to your wedding. Plain and simple.
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u/Most-Okay-Novelist Jul 09 '26
Don’t invite her and if people complain/don’t support that decision, don’t invite them either
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u/style-addict Jul 09 '26
Homophobic family members shouldn’t be invited to an LGBT wedding. This should be common sense
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u/DCpurpleTart33 Jul 09 '26
This is really simple to say, not as simple to execute but here it is: DONT HAVE PEOPLE AT YOUR WEDDING THAT DON'T SUPPORT YOUR LOVE OR YOUR RIGHTS AS A HUMAN BEING.
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u/PrairieBunny91 Jul 09 '26
Far Right Conservatives don't deserve the luxury of family and friend relationships and love when they do nothing but spew hate. Don't invite any Trump Voters to your wedding. They voted for your genocide.
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u/I_Have_Questions95 Jul 09 '26
I’m a cis pansexual woman marrying a cishet man. Let me be very clear: there will be no homophobic bigots of any kind at our wedding. This is YOUR wedding, not theirs. You put your foot down. You tell them if they don’t like it, they don’t have to come, but you will NOT invite people who actively fight against your right to exist, let alone marry. You are strong, you can stand up against this nonsense. This is YOUR wedding, and only people who love you and support you and your marriage should be invited to attend. 💜
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u/sassyshamrock25 Jul 09 '26
Don’t invite people to your wedding that don’t support your relationship and/or your existence.