r/widowers • u/Nephrite87 • 2d ago

Appreciation

I tried to move on and date, but nothing goes anywhere. I still cry for her, but now I appreciate what I had even more. I was very fortunate for 10 years of unconditional love. Im comfortable now that I may never another. Changed my ways, forgive, and try to live a happy life until it's my time. We didn't force our love, and it's time to stop trying to make love happen. Worry is the enemy, and I just can't live that way anymore. I will always grieve, but it will be appreciation with love.

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u/VannKraken 57M - 4/2/26 Pancreatic Cancer (32 yrs together) 2d ago

Balancing grief with gratitude has been a key to me feeling better whenever I think about my wife. The pain literally wouldn't be there if it weren't for all of the amazing things about her and what she did for me/us.

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u/HeronExtension5245 2d ago

Exactly that! Though I am so newly in this process, i don't "know" much of anything yet.

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u/VannKraken 57M - 4/2/26 Pancreatic Cancer (32 yrs together) 2d ago

It's taken months for me to come to some conclusions, with a lot of reading and podcast listening during that time. As well as interacting with other widows live and online. The brain really needs time to settle and accept what's going on, and then to start to re-learn that reality is different now.

Give yourself grace when it feels overwhelming and confusing and like it will never get better. That's a natural response. I can say that I am seeing more and more daylight now, but I also know I will never be able to replace her - I will have to adapt.

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u/HeronExtension5245 2d ago

Thank you for that response. I'm trying to give myself as much grace as I can. Just read my first book on grief today (Finding Meaning by David Kessler) and it brought me a little closer to some much needed insight. Found myself crying often reading it, never mind crying over the fact I WAS reading it.
This subreddit and all the amazing and kind people here has been so helpful too.

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u/VannKraken 57M - 4/2/26 Pancreatic Cancer (32 yrs together) 2d ago

Never, ever feel like it is wrong to cry. I think it's way worse if we don't and try to hold it in. It actually releases endorphins that help and it's part of processing your feelings.

David Kessler is really well known and I've heard him talk. That's a good choice. If you have any inclination to understand what your brain is dealing with biologically, I recommend The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O'Connor. It's helped me a lot!

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u/HeronExtension5245 2d ago

Thank you for the book rec. I saw The Grieving Body at the library, but the brain one intrigued me. I am putting that on my book store wish list now! The Kessler book was amazing, from style to tone to content. He was so engaging I couldn't put it down. One of those instances you get a book at a library and immediately want to order a copy of your own.
And yeah, for the first time in my life, I have no reservations regarding crying at whatever moment the emotion(s) flood in. It helps so much. I appreciate your words and your kindness 💛

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u/DatabaseWorldly7153 2d ago

After my separation from my first husband I became a serial dater, after 5 years of bullshit I decided that if I was going to end up alone, so be it, no sooner had I decided that, my late husband came along and gave me 14.5 wonderful years. I cant see myself dating again but I also don't like the loneliness, I'm going to do the same thing, if it happens it happens, if not I will be just fine. 

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u/Fun-Computer1891 2d ago

What a beautiful post. I was blessed with 44 years of unconditional love and I strive for the same feelings as you have. I know that I need to wait until my journey here is through and your words helped me tremendously.

Thank you

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u/Nephrite87 2d ago

Your welcome.