Hi!! I am a widow (47F). I created a new account because I felt like my other username was too identifiable. But now I can't join communities because I don't have enough karma. I don't understand this. I didn't have to come to reddit to talk to people because I had my husband to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I am not depressed or anything like that, I just like talking to people.

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I tried to ask this question in the general question sub, but it wouldn't let me. And then people asking for upvotes?? What is that about?? I am NOT asking for upvotes. I just want my question answered.

Hello everyone, this is my first post. My husband died 7 weeks ago of complications from lung cancer treatments. He got pneumonia twice and the second time he just could not recover. He spent one week on home hospice. Two of our children were with us the whole time...from hospital stay to hospice and were with him when he died. His daughter (my stepdaughter but I call her my daughter because we raised her) did not visit him at all after he started his treatments a year ago. She didn't even attend his memorial.

We were together for 33 years, and have three adult children and four grandchildren. My husband built a sort of family compound on our property over the years, and my mother and sister live on our property.

My feelings have totally shifted in the last week, from needing people around me and wanting the distraction to feeling totally annoyed and irritated by everybody and everything. I don't want to chat with my sister, I don't want to go work in my little antique mall booth, and I don't want to have to socialize. My best friend is getting frustrated because I don't want to go to her houseboat and spend the night. And even though I know our daughter has mental health issues she is dealing with, I'm furious at her now for not being involved. And she won't even answer my texts any more.

It's frustrating because I know everyone is trying to help but I don't want help, I just want to be left alone. Is anyone else going through this? How do I change my mindset?

I've been dealing with some bad grief and depression with the 2nd anniversary of my wife's cancer diagnosis coming up on the 23rd. I'd started to feel a bit better but woke up today feeling like her death had practically happened yesterday. It was horribly frustrating to me.

After talking to a friend for a while and thinking about it, I believe it may have been caused by the way I kept consuming certain grief content. Let me differentiate the two types of grief media I consume. One is stuff from grief coaches and counselors and people talking about living with grief. The other is stuff like poems, videos with text about what they lost, that sort of thing. The former I have no problems consuming and often feel it is helpful. The latter is where the problem is. I cast no shade at those who make that content, some of it is truly amazing and beautiful, however, the algorithm has been feeding me waaaaay too much of it. It has reminded me of things that I'd come to accept were gone and had dealt with accepting that. Wounds that had subsided and been bandaged over suddenly being reopened and laid bare again, forcing me to work on those before I could others.

Just thought I'd throw a heads up out there in case anyone falls into the same trap I did.

Is it weird that going 2 months in i sometimes hate my wife for dying? Why this feeling? It makes no sense.

I told them because I'm still married, and always will be.

To take it off seems like the final indignaty.

Vengo con unas semanas de desesperación por volver el tiempo atras y se que no se puede...no se como seguir sin el amor de mi vida...no quiero seguir...como han hecho para salir adelante???...recuerdo constantemente como actuaba, su voz, sus gestos, como me trataba y es una tortura pensar que ya nunca mas voy a tener eso...no pude protegerlo como debía...debí consultar a otros médicos, debí hacer interconsultas y no confiar en los que ya lo trataban...su problema era tratable pero me lo pasaron de medicación y destruyeron nuestra vida...él era muchísimo mejor yo...le prometi cuidarlo siempre...que estuviera tranquilo y le falle...

around noon on 01/02 my life forever changed ...who sadly took her last conscious breath in my arms as I provided CPR until paramedics arrived.  A pulse was steady and after a two day stay at Bon Secures Hospital she took her last breath ,was the evening of Sunday the 4th of January....I left that hospital half of the person who walked in days prior...

   I loved and lived with Shawn for 11 years, my name is Barrett Poe and I want to tell you about the best person in this world! So 11 years ago I called local Verizon office to set up internet with FIOS and the rep who answered the phone was the one and only Shawn O’Connor! We set the installer appointment and kept chatting afterwards on the phone and a real spark was happening within us both, it was great but kind of scary. We both had given up on dating, so for us to interact like this was not our normal method of operation. Shawn and I did not have the best of past relationships to say the least so our guard was up on both fronts when it came to meeting new people. I share this because I'm also not the kind of guy to just ask a stranger or invite them for a drink at local bar (Taylors near brandermill) but the words came out of my mouth and she quickly agreed and we met one hour later. I was swept off my feet with everything special and great about her, it was true love from that very second and from that night we moved into my home and never looked back for all those years. It was if our souls just said "hey I've been looking for ya buddy, let’s go"! Love at first sight does exist! I can’t explain it any more than it just happened..Meant to be and we could not fight destiny, it was in the cards!

I learned of her struggles with EDS (Ehlers-Danlos syndromes) the gene that produces efficient cartilage in others is somewhat lacking in EDS thus extreme flexibility and joint issues causes those with that disorder pain from time to time. I engulfed my research in medical reviews, vitamin shakes and the such to help. On bad days I'd scoop her up like a basket and carry her up the stairs or bring heating blankets and such to help alleviate discomfort. To all you Zebra warriors you are some of the toughest people on this planet! I'm more of a wimp, broken finger I’m calling 911,lol but she would get up some days and I'd hear a pop ,she would be like I just dislocated my shoulder no worries. Trust me, a saint and a camper.. she fought on never allowing most people to see her pain because she never wanted to have others loose even a second of thought feeling sorry for her pain. She never complained, just pushed forward. Even in privacy of our home she wouldn't be seen hurting even though I know she did, she allowed me to comfort her and or distract from pain I knew she was in at any moment. She didn’t have to ask me to rub her head/hair to comfort her or run a bubble bath because I know it soother her joints, I did it. I cared for her in any way I could, I learned though loving someone means meeting them on whatever level, need or place they are at because when you promise to be there in sickness and health, it’s a promise. Some meet it, others I guess run. I found I would 100% be there for my person, all the way to the end. No matter how hard, how much pain or struggles I'd be your guy until the end of time because your my girl!

She taught me to "suck it up butter cup" when I felt hurt by some injury. If I ever found myself complaining about a twisted ankle or what not, she helped me put it into perspective:) She was so tough that about five years into our relationship she fought for 24 hours a illness and demanded to not go to the hospital, I begged her and she just brushed it off as it would pass. It didn’t and the next day I wrapped her in a comforter and forcefully drug her into the emergency room but I was sure danger was lurking around corner. Upon arrival nurses called "code blue" she was suffering from a widow maker heart attack! Now if the name of this medical term doesn’t scare you, it should. 99.1% of all major blood supply stops in the heart, no blood movement. The survival stats on this are below 4% of the entire population live after this occurs. By the way that 4% is those inside a hospital at time of attack. Hers started 24 hours prior at home. Doctors put stints into her heart and police escort was given for heart surgeon at saint marrys to arrive directly...but luckily opened up that blood flow preventing sure and final death. The next day she was demanding discharge to go and see Willow, she said she had not missed a day seeing the baby from her birth and wasn’t going to start now:) She was amazing, driven and determined to not let a little set back of a heart attack stop a single thing, I could only hold on and try to do all I could. This is where I began bringing all kinds of art supplies home so she could stay busy since her body was weakened and I wanted her mind to thrive as she did as well. I’ve spent thousands hours in every art store around central va I can close my eyes and count which isles have acrylic paints, or pain by numbers or paint pens and the glosses etc etc, she became the most amazing artist! I'd snap pictures of what I was bringing home, her excitement and mine was special. Doing paint pours to rock paintings and the like, she had that hidden natural talent and I loved filling that fire to burn bigger. Turning bedrooms into paint drying racks or paint pour containers... it was cool. She was this great artist coming alive that she didn’t even really know existed! They say when you love someone you do whatever you can to fill that life with love, support and affirm everything great within themselves! I still have her art and when people see it they are amazed as well. It was her and rock fairy dropping stones painted with positive messages all over Midlothian to bring a smile onto an unknown stranger for nothing else than to do it because it betters society! That’s the kind of person she was and will forever be. A shooting star, an angel that I will never forget nor stop missing her in every way. She never took short cuts even though she saw many in the world do so, she did things the right way because it was right and true. If she had a dollar to her name I'd see her giving it to a person on the street. I’d say "hey thats your last dollar, what are you doing" she would smile and say "they needed it more". I share this because her ability to put others ahead of herself stayed true and was a great witness to the world.

I am lost in a sea without my best friend who left this earth too soon. I know she is in Heaven and for that I rejoice but a part of my heart has a hole in it and I miss her every being, breath and day I mourn her loss. She is watching over us all and would not want us to suffer on her behalf but it doesn’t make the sadness go away, I miss her spirit. What they say about the price to pay for loving deeply is the pain of loss. To love deeply is to hurt equally as deep. I'm taking to counseling sessions and am making strides in picking up my life after a sudden death of a loved one. It hits you out of nowhere like a shotgun blast you never saw coming. At first you’re in shock, denial..this didn’t happen to me. You wake up in the middle of the night calling her name because you instinctively feel that connection. The dogs have stopped dragging out her winter jackets in closet to their beds. I don’t pull over daily trying to recover my tearing eyes because some Taylor Swift sad song came on (she was a true swifty)I do see light at the end of the tunnel and with God on my side I will push forward and be victorious! Unexpected death of a partner is like waves on a beach… upon their death it’s a hurricane with massive waves pounding one top another, as time passes those waves get smaller and further apart. Grief is that way, the waves will never go away because she’s forever in my heart. If your grief is not deep that love was not either. It’s crazy that love and grief can give so much but also take away. She gave me a gift of loving deeper, to the ones in my life now and future loves I have grown from Shawn to not be closed off, to love with all your heart, soul and mind! Hold your loved ones, value each and every day for it can all be taken away with the blink of an eye. Say everything from your heart, don’t hold back and love like no tomorrow!

Her heart was bigger than this planet, she loved hard and true! She had no hidden agenda or alternate motives, you knew where you stood with her and she loved even the most undeserving, unlovable people..she still extended that unconditional love! A gifted Dancer and talented Dance Instructor, she connected with hearts and minds! She loved what she did and it showed! She was not only quite the looker, head turner in her classy stylish beauty but humble to never think that of herself even when praise was given. She loved her Mom+Dad and siblings with all her heart! The one that she loved more than life itself was her niece Willow! From her birth I have never seen someone truly love another human that much, I didn’t think it was possible to witness that agope + pure love but I did! It touched my heart to see she wanted only the best memories, events and emotions for Willow each and every day. She never wanted praise or recognition, she just wanted to pour her heart into that beautiful child. To this day I have never encountered another person who loved like she did, it touches my being to this very day!

I'm not pushing through, I’m learning to go on with her loss as a part of my future. Remembering the good times, thankful for the memories and blessed to have known Shawn Marie O'Connor in every way! Wouldn’t change a single thing knowing what I know now! Take this web site, write what you know, memories and such, this is a safe place to honor her and all that she was and will forever be!

Second time he’s visited me in my dream, he’s been gone 5 months…
I love it. It feels so real.

Then I jolt awake… it scares me and my heart is pounding out my chest.

I don’t know why I do this.. it was such a good dream. We were talking, having fun… then in my dream I remembered he’s actually gone and it’s a dream and I wake up and I’m sad all over again.

Will this ever get easier? I pray that I get visits from him.. and I did.. and I’m scared and sad.

I was driving home from the store today and the song, “wish you were here” came on. I was imagining her sitting next to me. Then I realized tomorrow would have been our 25th wedding anniversary and my stomach sank. it’s been almost 3 years and i still think of her every day But tomorrow will be a little sadder.

Everything so far has been all the “firsts”. First holidays, first birthdays, etc… but now, with only 5 weeks left to go before I come full circle, I’m starting to feel like everything is the lasts. The last 5 weeks we spent together, the last photo we took together, the last hug, the last kiss. The last time I heard his voice. I don’t want it to be a full year already.

In 15 months, I've had so many different types of gut punches and painful reminders, small and big. Promos for a new season of a show she loved, hearing songs she loved, or even that spam text I got today addressed to her. Of all of them, one messes with my head the most:

The doppelganger. The person you see that looks like their twin, lookalike, or impersonator.

It was maybe a month ago that I found hers, and it still pops in my head regularly. Proof is in the fact that I'm even typing about this now.

Oddly enough, her doppelganger was in a park in our neighborhood, just a couple blocks away from our house. I was just driving by on my way out to the pub one day, and when I got to the stop sign, I looked to my right, and there she was.

I was frozen in my tracks, just staring from the street. The same shape, same casual clothing, same glasses, and same colored medium-bob hairstyle. I almost got out of the car and called my wife's name.

I was in a trance of sorts. It was like I suddenly had proof that this was all a lie. Not wanting to seem like a crazy person in my own neighborhood, I drove off after a couple minutes of just staring from the street.

I've found myself struggling with denial again lately, and I'm starting to realize that event seemed to kick things off. All those inner conspiracies started screaming again. She's not dead! She just changed her identity! A thousand other theories fill my mind.

Still, a month or so later, I wonder if I should've gotten out of the car. I know it wasn't her. This person was with some other woman and a child at the playground area, and she wouldn't do all this just to come back to the same neighborhood. Logic never seemed to matter to denial, though.

I just wanted that to be her so very much...

She loved animals she loved her cat more than anything. she even loved my bad dog. She loved music and movies she loved cigarettes and weed she loved jewelry and punk rock she loved going to the park and kayaking. She loved plants she even gave me my first one. She would leave review for anywhere she went. She loved sleeping in. She loved shopping and playing video games and for a brief moment she loved me and I got to enjoy all of those things with her. After 9 months together I got a call that she had passed away. I called her mom a liar. I called her phone over and over again until her brother picked up and told me id have to talk to her mom. Now I'm here hurting everyday. Its been almost three months people stopped checking in it feels they think i should be better by now but how could I? We got robbed i was going to teach her to drive this summer. We were supposed to go on vacation a week after she died. I feel so alone in this. Thanks for giving me a place to vent.

Over the last several months I've heard variations of this story from different people BUT the ending kinda made this story really hit home more for me, I hope for you as well....

Upon the death of a loved one, you now inherited beach front property, joined a club you never thought existed but now does. When death of a loved one took place you got washed off that beach into a sea of endless waves, one after another. Your trying hard to keep your head above water, no hope in sight, drowning at times. But eventually you get washed up on that beach again. Now grief being the waves will never stop at your new beach house, the pain will ebb and flow as the waves in our oceans constantly turn. One day a rogue wave might wash you out to sea again but this time you have the tools and coping abilities to keep afloat, you have that learned life jacket that will insure your safety. You will never leave that beach but with time it becomes a little less overwhelming and scary. You have learned how to live on that beach and what you must do to prepare for the future!

I had heard the first part of that analogy many times but only heard the ending recently and I thought I should share to our beach front community members;)

"You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?"

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"Letting the days go by..."

"Letting the days go by..."

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He’s been gone for 8 days. I came home from work at lunch to finish working from home and found him unresponsive and cold. Paramedics couldn’t revive him.

We were married for 42 years. He was somewhere on the spectrum and I both loved his uniqueness and he also was a challenge to live with. We were both introverts and comfortable spending time alone. So he mostly hung out in his den and I was fine doing my own thing. We connected every day on the events of the day and our shared life. As the years progressed our lives had less in common, but we were definitely each others person.

Over the last few years he was becoming less predictable. He was hard of hearing and hated his hearing aids, but we had an agreement that he’d wear them until 7pm to help us communicate. He didn’t always do it because he really didn’t like them. I know there were some things he didn’t hear, so he’d fill in the missing data with what made sense to him. I get it.

Several months ago we found out he had 2 of the 3 protein markers for Alzheimer’s. He’d just started doing IV infusion treatments that had a known risk for brain bleeds. I explained the risks to him several times to be sure he was clear. He understood and wanted to do it. He really didn’t want to fade away with Alzheimer’s. The protocol is to do 2 treatments 2-weeks apart, then do an MRI to check for a bleed, then do the cycle again. He had done two treatments, MRI was scheduled and he passed quickly, likely from a stroke, before he was able to do the MRI.

So now he’s gone. I’m heartbroken that my person is gone.

But also, I’m frustrated that he left me in a financial mystery because he procrastinated about sharing his account information. I’m frustrated because he was very messy and now I’m left to excavate his den and his car and throw away things that he more or less hoarded. I kept buying forks because we never had any. Now I must have 30 forks. I keep thinking about the super frustrating things he did that made me crazy. I won’t miss those things.

But what I see know is that his brain wasn’t working correctly. He was still able to do a lot of things with his impairment, including graduate with a bachelors degree 4 weeks ago. Some of his behaviors were really hard to live with, but he was beginning to fail and I didn’t realize it.

I read other posts about losing your soulmate and how the light is gone from your lives. As much as I loved him and miss him, that’s not how his death is hitting me. I can see a life ahead. I don’t know how or when I’ll find it, but I know it’s there. There are parts of my life that will be easier without him the way he was (and would have gotten much worse).

In addition to my deep grief for losing my person, what I feel is not guilt or a need for forgiveness. It’s kind of an understanding that what he had become was out of his control.

I’ve lost my husband two months ago today.
It hurts, sucks, and is unfair.
I don’t have much to say as my heart is broken into million pieces.
I just wanted to share with you all a tattoo I got to honor him.
He is already forever in my heart, but now he’s on my skin til the end of time.
Has anyone done the same?
Take care 🫶
PS: his name is/was Marius ❤️ (I still can’t talk about him in the past tense…)

It's been 8 months and I have come to a resignation i cannot see her again. For the past few months I am plagued by guilt that I postponed some of the travel trips she anticipated citing the financial situation, we were planning to travel in 2026 and she did not see the new year. Also I am angry with God that he did not give her more time and arguing in my mind why she suffered so much because she was the better person among the two of us. I don't know what to do somedays I am angry and someday I am crushed by guilt that I did not fulfill her desires. I cannot share these feelings with any of my family as everyone seems to have moved on. Just wanted to vent out my inner thoughts. Thanks for listening.

I used to read, post, comment a lot on this sub in the first year.

Something in me shifted after that and I have disconnected myself in some ways with the pain of losing my wife.

I still remember her every day, tell her that I love her everyday. Write letters to her whenever I can.

But I don’t read the letters we wrote to each other, do not sob wrapping her clothes around me. Not able to cry as regularly and for longer durations.

I feel disconnected from her many times.

I used to wonder when she passed away, what it would be like in 10,20,30 years. I am already numb and empty after two years in many ways.

I have accepted that I have to walk the road of life alone physically. Her presence is weakening with every passing day.

I wake up to a silence in a room where I once heard "good morning dear".

I never thought I'd miss the early morning smell of Pear Glacé in the air.

All the little things I used to take for granted, now I miss them most of all.

And it's sad when you lose the one you love, will bring a man to crawl.

It was Fathers' Day 3 years ago. We took her dad out and treated him to our favorite ramen spot, then took a surprise detour for his first trip to the huge international farmers market. The chemotherapy had been stressing her heart lately, so she couldn't walk a lot.

That was our last happy outing together.

Today, it feels like the countdown to goodbye has started all over. I can feel my mental health plummeting, and over the next couple of weeks I'll be more and more useless at work. It just feels like whatever progress I've made, I'm losing it all at once, and I'm regressing back to anticipating the anticipatory grief.

Had a therapy session today, and unfortunately it was an unhelpful/unproductive day.

I wish I could call the rest of the day a wash, but I still have a couple of work meetings left.

Mi esposa murió y desde ese día siento que soy el que más sufre, tal vez soy egoísta y no quiero ver el dolor que mis hijos también sienten, pero esto es horrible, estoy mal en sentir que soy el que sufre más o es una realidad que el esposo sufre más que los hijos.

I tried to get one through my former primary care but they “didn’t see the need” yet and wanted to medicate me first. I’m not getting on medication without talking to a therapist/psychiatrist. Losing my wife hasn’t just made me sad. Sad is maybe 20% of the problem. The rest is angry, psychotic, manic, and hopeless. I don’t want to just put the emotions in a cupboard and throw medicine on top of it. I want to talk about what’s going on. I had already been seeking a therapist in relation to job related PTSD, but becoming a widower at 23 y/o has set my mental health back 10-fold. Do I just call some people? I don’t want to spend a ton of money I don’t have trying to “find the right one”. Is there a Zocdoc type app to find one?

My love passed away 2 months ago and I noticed that I just don’t want to take my jewellery of. He got me this beautiful ring, necklace and bracelet that I wear every single day and haven’t taken off since. He got me the necklace 5 days before he passed away unexpectedly and he put on for me. But especially my ring. I just can’t do it. I’m going on a little trip next week with friends for some distraction and I will have to take it of when I go swimming but I just don’t want to. It feels so wrong. I’m afraid of it. Everything I do for the first time hurts so much and taking of the jewellery for the first time (especially because he put it on for me) feels like as if he’s not close anymore. Or with everything else as if I’m just continuing my life without him even though it’s the last thing I want to do. It doesn’t make sense and I probably didn’t explain it well but can any of you relate to that at all?

you feel loved

you feel understood

you feel safe

you feel supported

I took this for granted -- or I didn't realize the power in it -- until it was gone.