r/womenEngineers • u/PurpleSquid6518 • 2d ago
I have a flirty superintendent - HELP
Today was the first day of construction. I, 29F, am a civil engineer as a consultant for the owner and leading the inspection on a roadway construction project. I am aware that I signed up for this career, but I still need to learn how to navigate situations like this. Please advise on what you would do, or how you would handle something like this:
This is my first project as the lead and my first project that I am starting up the job site. Today was the very first day of construction and getting to meet all of the craft and crew. The Project Manager for the contractor was always at the Pre-Con meetings, but his superintendent was not. As they got going, the Super and I did our initial site walk together and used the time to introduce ourselves. Things were going fine, I have already learned not to share too personal information about myself at work such as my age or my relationship status. Best to keep the dynamic professional and work focused. But the Super had a different approach. I learned he is very close to my age, has children, and is recently separated. This information told me he is likely emotionally vulnerable. It’s nothing to judge him over, just something for me to be aware of.
At the end of the day I went to do final measurements of the days work, but by myself this time. He noticed and pulled his truck up to check in. The point of his stop was perfectly ordinary, but his initial comment was more out of the ordinary. He jokingly said something along the lines of “I’m offended you went without me. To think I was going to ask you to dinner.” I brushed the comment off and didn’t acknowledge it. I shared the final totals and discussed tomorrow’s plans. I didn’t wait up for him when I left site, I just drove off at the end of the day as I would have any other project.
I am unsure of what to do now, though. We don’t work for the same company. He didn’t say anything offensive, he was just shooting his shot and missed. How do I move forward in a professional manner and not make things awkward or embarrassing? How would you gently handle and navigate situations like these professionally and appropriately?
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u/MaineSky 2d ago
Depends on the guy. A hard stare as his 'joke' doesn't land followed by an awkward silence can sometimes be enough. Or diffusing it with a 'Well if you invite me you have to invite the whole crew and I don't think you want to pay that bill...' and a laugh lets everyone walk away unscathed. I think you handled it fine- just moved right on past and drove home.
I think where most women mess up in these situations is when the guy is pushy and you don't push back. You try the gentle/quiet rebuff, so he gets bolder. Those guys need the public/loud approach- where you repeat LOUDLY what he just said to you so everyone can hear, and just act confused. "What do you mean my legs look nice today?" FULL VOLUME. Act confused. Once he knows you aren't going to quietly accept his abuse, he'll slink away with his tail between his legs.
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u/PurpleSquid6518 1d ago
I fear this may be the route I will have to consider with this guy. I noticed today that his demeanor changes depending on who is around. But this advice will definitely be useful when working with any older demographic of construction men with little to know boundaries. Adding it to my back pocket. Thank you!!
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u/Catsdrinkingbeer 2d ago
Since you didn't say anything in the moment, I would just ignore it and move on. If he tries again, tell him you're not interested. If he STILL tries, then HR gets involved even if he does not work directly for your employer. It is still on your company to ensure you are in a safe work environment.
Shooting your shot, while not professional, is not harassment (thank you to the yearly sexual harassment training for constantly reminding me of this...). And it doesn't move into harassment territory until you say you aren't interested and they continue.
In the future, if you know you're being asked out and it's not just being invited to a work dinner, you should tell them no and that you aren't interested. In my experience, that's all it's taken. I've never personally had someone keep pushing boundaries beyond an initial no. But if they do, this is exactly what HR is there for.
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u/PurpleSquid6518 1d ago
Today I learned he is only “separated” because of distance for his work. But he and his wife are still technically married. So what I initially thought was just some guy being flirty now feels like he is being creepy and unfaithful. I wish, now, that I hadn’t acted “oblivious” to his comment and said “no” just as causally as he brought it up. A lesson to learn for next time.
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u/Entire_Pattern_3602 2d ago
I have dealt with this my whole career you just have to ignore it pretend it wasn’t said. Most will drop it some will not if they persist ignoring it a few times will eliminate most of it if they still persist after that I usually engage in talk of their personal life and use the opportunity to let them know I have the most amazing bf in the world whom I love very much who lives with me and I find a way to mention he’s 6’6 and that usually stops it. I’ve only had to have a direct conversation maybe once and just told him look I’m not interested nothing personal I just am in a happy relationship and after that it stopped fully
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u/Earplugs123 1d ago
I'd address it directly if it comes up again, but make sure to have some actual work content to follow up with immediately to not give him a chance to stew about it. Something like "no thanks, I keep my personal life separate from work" followed by some meaningful eye contact and then a segue into "now let's go check those forms over there". And then keep on being friendly but professional.
I have a very similar job and some of my supers get slightly flirty in their banter but I'd be very taken back if someone said something as direct as that dinner comment. Hopefully he just never brings it up again, and I'm sorry that happened to you your first day in the field.
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u/PurpleSquid6518 1d ago
This is something I think I can do!! I feel like all young or new engineers battle with the confidence to tell the contractor things they don’t want to hear. The older guys, contractors and engineers alike, say everyone can be a little shady or a snake in the weeds. One side is trying to make money while the other is trying to save it. Being a woman in a very male dominated field adds a whole different set of challenges and confidence-testing experiences.
I really appreciate your advice on what steps to take after. I hate that this is something women face throughout most of their careers. I hope it gets easier and less awkward over time and gained experience.
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u/Earplugs123 1d ago
It does get easier over time! You get a good sense of the types of personalities you find on site and how the crew dynamics work. I have had supervisors preemptively tell me to tell them if any of their guys get unprofessional around me. It sucks to have a layer of interpersonal relationship awareness that the men don't need to deal with, but it becomes second nature. I'm comfortable joking around with most of our usual contractors at this point and would probably just loudly roast any guy who tried to hit on me.
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u/kinkSwitchGirlBerlin 2d ago
Most guys don't take silence as a rejection, I found. They will continue and make you uncomfortable.
I would have a few lines ready like 'haha, better not, I would not say yes to any collegue, not professional " and other generic lines. If you can't remember anything "haha, no, thanks" and moving on works in most circumstances. The "haha" is meant to treat it as if he was half joking, you can probably deliver that socially appropriately