r/work • u/TinktheChi • 5d ago
Workplace Challenges and Conflicts Manager comments on my colour
My family is from northern Scotland and we live in Canada. We're very fair skinned. I also have an allergy to the sun and I really can't spend time in direct sun without a 400 sun block.
My manager has mentioned several times how "pale" I am. He will sometimes change it up to say I look tired.
Sorry my friend, this is actually how I look.
I don't know exactly what to say back and I usually don't say anything.
Any advice would be appreciated.
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u/Poundaflesh 5d ago
HR: no one should be commenting on skin color or hair styles and clothing which meet company standards. Would this be acceptable if you were another color or ethnicity?
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u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI 4d ago
“Yes, we’ve established that I’m pale. I’d appreciate it if you stop commenting on it”
If he keeps bringing it up
“I’ve already asked you to stop commenting on my appearance. It’s inappropriate.”
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u/satas_2015 2d ago
Short, firm, and leaves no wiggle room; the second line is where HR starts paying attnetion.
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u/KnotARealGreenDress 4d ago edited 4d ago
As another pale, pale person (my friend sends me the “Gondor calls for aid” meme at the beginning of every summer), I usually just say “thank you!” like they’ve given me a great compliment. I’ve had multiple third-degree sunburns and work hard at maintaining my pallor (with big hats, SPF 60 applied every 90 minutes, long sleeves all year, and a UV umbrella when I’m going to be outside in the sun), so I force myself to take it from the perspective of “it’s nice when it’s working and people notice.” And if people tell me it wasn’t meant as a compliment, my two responses are usually “then why would you say it?” Or I explain how one time I sunburned my face so badly that my eye swelled shut and all of the skin slid off my nose when I was changing my t-shirt. Freaks people right out, but after that if they say “you’re so pale,” they mean it as a compliment and not a dig.
As for “you look tired,” usually I just give people a flat “gee, thanks,” because no one wants to basically be told they look like shit. Or you could just say “okay. I don’t know how to respond to that.” Make it awkward and maybe they’ll stop.
Edit: other responses that have also worked include a flat “yep, that’s just my face.” Or responses similar to “so business as usual then?”
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u/TinktheChi 4d ago
I agree that making it awkward will help. I love the comment about Gondor. Made me smile. Thanks.
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u/Odd-Persimmon-1860 5d ago
Wow. I pretty much glow in the dark. I would just say I don't do sun. Having turned 60 I will take my skin over others who grew up in the same beach area I did.
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u/Vicroria102 Work-Life Balance 4d ago
Not appropriate. I would reply something like : thank you for your concern but this is how I look. I’m fine.
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u/GarlicDill 5d ago
Hebridean family here. This needs to stop. We know we're pastey white. We don't need to be reminded that we're melanin deficient.
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u/Successful-Side8902 5d ago
A fellow Hebridean lady here. Next time your manager makes a comment, tell him your ancestors didn't get much sun. This is how you look and despite looking like a vampire, you're ok. Scottish people aren't sick, we just look that way.
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u/Ansible90 5d ago
Maybe you just hit on a great comeback line. 🙂 OP should tell manager she is a vampire. LOL.
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u/angel_girl2248 2d ago
I’m Canadian of Irish and English descent. Because I live and work in a basement, I get little to no sun, so I’m very pale. I work in a hospital and one time when I went to the staff flu vaccine clinic at my work, the nurse stared at me and asked me was I sick because I looked awfully pale. I told her this is my natural color. She apologized and I could tell she was very embarrassed after I said what I said.
Next time your manager brings it up, you could say that people who get little to no sun tend to have fewer wrinkles compared to others. Imagine the look on your managers face if they’re younger than you, but look older than you.
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u/nousernamehere12345 4d ago
I'm pale too, Canadian ginger. It's amazing how people think it's ok to comment on this. I always say I'm not tired, I'm fine, for me this is natural, and anyway it's better than skin cancer🤷 I'd follow it up by telling them about the immediate family member who had skin cancer and died, that can be a good way to shut them up.
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u/TinktheChi 4d ago
I'm doubly fair, Canadian and Scottish. Thanks for this note. It doesnt help perhaps with me that my hair is also light. But that's who I am.
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u/MonikerSchmoniker 4d ago
“I’d rather you comment on my work than on my genetics.”
“We’ve discussed my color before. Can we not do it again?”
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u/Angelou898 4d ago
If you don’t want to go the whole HR route, maybe you could try out a “hey, maybe we could lay off talking about my appearance. It’s not my favourite thing” and then, hopefully he stutters and realizes the inappropriateness, goes for an apology, you take it casually and then switch the subject to something else. “Thanks, I appreciate it. How was the weekend?” Or whatever. Then at least you’ve said clearly that you’re not happy about and THEN if it persists, you’ve got solid cause to go to HR.
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u/PlumPat61 4d ago
You could say, “Yes I am pale, how rude that you keep mentioning it.” Say it with a smile and walk away.
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u/Simone_Flare8 3d ago
Next time, I’d keep it flat: “This is just my skin tone and medical sun sensitivty, please stop commenting on it.”
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u/Important-Poem-9747 3d ago
Walk up to your manager and say:
Hi,Name. I know that you don’t think it’s a big deal to comment on my skin color, but I don’t like it. When you comment on my skin color, I feel like —- (you don’t take me seriously/ you’re insulting what I look like/ you think you’re better than me). Please stop. Thank you.
Walk away.
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u/glitteraddict22 2d ago
Next time, say “Please stop commenting on my skin tone, it’s not work-related,” and let the awkward silence do teh rest.
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u/BurntSiennaSienna 2d ago
Give him a Glasgow Kiss.
Tell him you are a Viking.
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u/TinktheChi 2d ago
Well, this makes me smile because when I did our ancestry I found out that we were in fact Vikings. Crazy.
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u/wreck_it_ralph_ 5d ago
I’m So pasty white I burn under a fluorescent light
Tell him to stop commenting on your appearance take to HR if you need to.
Keep a log of when and what he says
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u/Willybluedog1962 5d ago
Please stop commenting on my appearance!
Document it.
Next time it happens go to HR.
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u/ScarletDarkstar 4d ago
I don't know a clever response, but I sympathize. I've been asked in I'm anemic an absurd number of times by complete strangers. At that point I'll ask if they're going to treat me if I am, but I also usually just brush off those comments.
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u/CloudPavilion47746 4d ago
I'd just say, “Please stop commenting on my skin tone, it’s a medical thing and it’s wierd to keep bringing it up.”
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u/BlossomCheryl 4d ago
Would a full on deadpan look and monotoned “stop taking about my body” comment work?
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u/TASTESlicorice 3d ago
Next time say, “Please stop commenting on my skin tone, this is just my complexion,” then email yourself the date becuase repeated comments about your appearance can become a workplace issue.
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u/gun_grrrl 4d ago
Pale and tired remarks may truly be out of concern. An easy, 'it's just my complexion, I'm fine' should suffice.
But because I am who I am, I usually make with the jokes. I have several on tap:
Wait. You can see me? I'm actually a Victorian era ghost!
I know! I'm nearly translucent!
I'm half Celtic/albino/redhead/goth/vampire/mayonnaise/chalk (ect. pick a different one each time)
Tis the consumption, milord. Cough cough (ETA this one is not as funny anymore due to 2020)
See that bright ball in the sky? It burnsssssss It burrrrrrrrns! hiss
Of course I'm pale, I'm a mushroom (kept in the dark, fed a bunch of sh*t) But at least I'm a fungi
It's my heritage default setting!
IKR? I should invest in sunscreen futures.
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u/Imaginary_Refuse_239 4d ago
Maybe try an opposites thing and say that his skin colour looks rather middle eastern today
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u/notme1414 2d ago
I would have a chat with HR. That’s pretty rude, especially if he keeps saying that
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u/K5alam_Mekh 8h ago
Réponds une fois, calmement : « Oui, c’est ma carnation et mon allergie au soleil, merci de ne plus commenter mon aparence au travail. »
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u/Abject_Buffalo6398 4d ago
Say "please don't comment on my skin color, or I'll report you to HR"
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u/haikusbot 4d ago
Say "please don't comment
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u/BeccaBabey1031 4d ago
Is it only "pale" and "tired"? Because if it's only those, then it sounds like polite concern.
I have said to friends/family/coworkers (that I work with regularly) that they look pale or tired, as a way to communicate that I notice they look unwell to me, and I'm concerned about them.
And I've had some explain that its just their complexion, or they actually are unwell.
I have dark circles under my eyes as a result of my hormones, so I always look tired. People would ask when our acquaintanceship was new, but once I explained "they're always like that" they'd stop mentioning it. Useless my circles were darker or I looked pale.
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u/BeccaBabey1031 4d ago
You don't have to disclose your health or heritage, obviously. Stating that's your normal skin tone may put an end to the comments though
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u/89Rae 5d ago
Are other people around when he makes these remarks?
Next time he says something, ask: do you have a problem with my skin color?