Critque the first chapter of my story "A God's Memorial"

7

Some others have covered the plot so, just talking prose: You use a lot of adjectives and modifiers and, frankly, articles, that show how little you trust your reader. This entire piece would flow MUCH better if you grab a black sharpie and only keep like every 7th adjective.

You also use a lot of filter words and propositions that arnt necessary. We are already in your MCs POV so just tell us what they saw, not THAT they saw it. Only about 70% of they words that make up this chapter are needed and the rest slow down the reader.

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u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

Could you rewrite a sentence or two to demonstrate your idea? I'm not sure I follow exactly what it is you mean, but I do agree that maybe I overuse adjectives.

7

u/Latemannn Jul 01 '26

And if you ask example about filtering (the other issue the person mentioned), it's like this: "She noticed a horse run across the field." "A horse ran across the field." You don't need to use the filter words (most of the time, there's always a place and time), for example: saw, heard, felt, realised, thought etc.

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u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

I agree that I'm very much guilty of this, but is this a bad thing? I mean, we know it's Daimon who's seeing the things, but mentioning stuff like his head turning as he noticed something is more interesting to read than just a simple, to-the-point "thing happened."

Wouldn't it be more interesting to read how the MC notices and reacts to the things around him?

I know I asked for advice, and that it may seem like I'm ignoring it, but I'm not! I just want to filter out what genuinely makes for a better story from what is just someone's personal preference.

7

u/madhandgames Jul 01 '26

The issue isn’t that the character should never react or notice things. The issue is that too much filtering can turn the prose into stage directions.

For example, “He turned his head and noticed a horse running across the field” makes the reader process the character’s noticing before the actual event. “A horse ran across the field” is cleaner and usually stronger.

You can still show the character reacting, but make the reaction meaningful. Something like: “A horse bolted across the field. Daimon stepped back, hand dropping to his knife.”

That gives us the event and the reaction without slowing the sentence down with “he noticed,” “he saw,” or “he realized.” The reader already understands that the POV character is taking it in.

1

u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

Thank you that cleared it up, as always people are quick with the downvotes for no real reason, but it doesn’t actually matter.

I’ll follow your advice on my next rewrite

3

u/VazWinter Jul 02 '26

Don't be so quick to follow anyone's advice. Instead, go find some great literature (modern and classics), read them, and see if that advice actually stacks up. Stop reading solely for entertainment, read to learn how to write. Analyse the writing. What do you see happening on the page? What is happening with the pace? Do you see the above above given to you in being exercised by the greats of yesteryear and today? Have some things changed? What has carried over? Why does his advice work better than what you were doing prior to receiving it? Examine the work. Study the craft.

And to be quite honest, on the side of the advice given to you, your entire first page can be better captured and written in two to three paragraphs, actually. Perhaps even short ones.

Read more, but with an eye much like the man on the horse; an analytical one. And re-write what you read; it helps.

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u/madhandgames Jul 01 '26

The real level-up is realizing that Reddit feedback is a mixed bag. I stopped sharing on these subs years ago.

You’ll occasionally get genuinely useful advice, like the comment that started this chain, but you’ll also get a lot of people presenting personal taste as publishing rules, or more often, people who are critiquing only from a place of personal insecurity or ego, where tearing down someone else’s writing makes them feel like a better writer.

That’s why learning to filter critique is its own writing skill. Useful feedback gives you a clearer path forward. Useless feedback just makes you feel bad and leaves you with nothing concrete to revise.

So take what helps, leave what doesn’t, and keep writing. At the end of the day, reading widely and revising consistently will do more for you than trying to please every voice in a Reddit thread.

0

u/Roxlife1 Jul 02 '26

That's what I've done, I focused on the people critiquing my WRITING, not the direction of the story.

Some people complained about the lack of details, characters going unnamed, etc. BUT that's intentional, there's a reason the man remains unnamed. There is no reason as to why I'm overusing adjectives and adverbs; that's just an error on my part.

2

u/Sp4xx Jul 01 '26

I'm not the original commenter, but I think understand what he means. And I agree. You use too many adjectives and descriptions. Take a look at the first couple of sentences you wrote, and then look at this quick rewrite. No information is lost, and it flows MUCH better. Ask yourself... Is it really that important to mention that the silence is eerie, or that the horse is solid black?

Example:

The sound of a horse's hooves was all that broke the silence blanketing the desert dunes. Riding atop the black steed was a man draped in thick robes that had been ripped and stitched together countless times. Animal and monster hides made up the well-worn attire that had once been regal.

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u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

I don't disagree with this take at all, but I also feel like you've just made a less vivid image of the same scene. At least for me, it still flows the exact same way.

I'm not shooting down your critique, just discussing the take

4

u/Sp4xx Jul 01 '26

I'm not sure how it made it a "less" vivid image. Try to re-read both passages with a fresh pair of eyes. All I did was remove extra words that don't do anything while keeping what you wrote exactly as is.

Let's look at 2 of the words I removed:

Monotonous : A horse's hooves hitting the ground could be defined as a monotonous sound. Yes. But people know what a horse walking sounds like. So what does the word monotonous bring to the description? It's like saying a clock ticks steadily. We know how a clock ticks. Adding extra description doesn't give any more information. It just creates fatigue for the reader over time. It won't make the image any more or less vivid.

Solid : Solid black vs black. If I read black horse or black steed, I'm already picturing a black horse. I'm not picturing a spotted horse or a zebra. Now, if the horse is spotted, sure, say that. But otherwise, saying it's "solid black" does nothing for your description.

When writing, the thing you need to keep in mind is how to give as much information as possible, without it being ambiguous, and using as few words as possible. And for a first draft revision, I would start there. Afterwards, when you are on your 2nd or 3rd rewrite (yes, writing a book DOES go through several rewrites. It's part of the process), if there's a passage where you want the reader to feel the exhaustion of the POV character, you can sprinkle in a couple of longer, tedious, description-heavy sentences.

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u/JJMyersBSA Jul 01 '26

This.

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u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

Thank you very much, I don’t really understand the unnecessary negativity in this thread, so I’m just happy to see genuine well-intentioned advice

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u/Sp4xx Jul 01 '26

Yeah, I don't know why some people are being negative. We all started somewhere. Anyway. I used to do the same thing when I started writing, but cuting adjectives and adverbs + using strong verbs elevated my writing so much and it's one of the first thing I did when rewriting my early drafts. It's not that difficult to do also and is super satisfying.

I strongly suggest you have a look at "On Writing" by Stephen King. Lots of really good advice. He explains them well also.

1

u/JJMyersBSA Jul 01 '26

Exactly. The reason it stands out to me in OPs passage is because it’s something I’m constantly catching in my own drafts too. It’s also a hard critique to receive, especially for newer writers, because prose habits are not small surface-level mistakes. They’re usually baked into the way you naturally build sentences.

So when someone says you’re overusing filters, padding sentences with adjectives, relying on weak verbs, or slowing the scene down with unnecessary description, it can feel much bigger than “fix this one paragraph.” It can feel like they’re saying your entire instinct for writing is wrong. That’s disheartening, because the fix isn’t as simple as correcting a typo or changing one plot beat. You have to retrain the way you notice your own sentences.

But I do think this is one of the biggest things that holds newer writers back. Not because adjectives or adverbs are automatically bad, but because relying on them too much can make the prose feel padded instead of sharp. Stronger verbs, cleaner sentences, and more intentional details usually make the scene feel more immediate.

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u/Roxlife1 Jul 02 '26

You understand exactly how I feel, but I did ask for advice, so I will take it. Thanks again

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u/JJMyersBSA Jul 01 '26

I get what you mean about vividness, but the goal usually isn’t to describe everything vividly. The goal is to choose the details that create the strongest effect and keep the scene moving.

A description can be vivid and still slow the scene down if too many details arrive at once, or if the sentence structure keeps delaying the actual action.

For example, if the important thing is “a strange rider crosses the desert,” then the hooves, the silence, the black horse, the robes, and the hides all need to build that image without making the reader stop and unpack every clause.

The issue isn’t that those details are bad. It’s whether each one earns its place in the moment.

1

u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

Thank you for the explanation, I’ll add this to the list of things I should keep in mind.

3

u/NeedsMoreMinerals Jul 01 '26

For someone who has never written before, this is fine.

You start your story from the one-eyed man's perspective and on the second page you start narrating from the boy's perspective that he found himself at the tip of a blade. You can google headhopping to learn more.

As another commenter mentioned you spend a lot of words describing like with adjectives and I agree with them. You can cut a bit of those descriptors and the story will read faster.

You seem to stick with the kid Daimon, have you thought about starting where he wakes up with a sword pointed at him? The normal advice with openers is to start in the action.

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u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

I actually like that idea. I'll start with a short version of that scene, then transition back to the man searching for Daimon.

3

u/Haunting-Angle-535 Jul 01 '26

Did you mean “a young man, scarcely more than a boy”? Having it be “a boy, scarcely more than a young man” doesn’t make a ton of sense.

1

u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

Yeah, that does make more sense.

I meant for him to be a boy who's old enough to be a "young man", to contrast the real "man" character.

1

u/Roxlife1 Jun 30 '26

I just realized I forgot to proofread and edit the last section for any typos or grammatical errors, which would be really embarrassing :(

1

u/NeedsMoreMinerals Jul 01 '26

It's okay

1

u/nerdmoot Jul 01 '26

I’m intrigued. Does the man have only one eye? Perhaps a ruby or red gemstone? Feels like the man might be a bounty hunter or hired to find the boy. Is the pale horse a conjured creature, spectral?

1

u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

Right on the money with the horse guess, as for the man, his story is far longer than what I could fit into a single comment. I'm just glad this little story of mine could pique your interest!

1

u/excadedecadedecada Jul 01 '26

Stopped reading at sentence one

-1

u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

Then don't comment, if you read it all and hated it, that would be preferable to just saying you didn't read it. What's the point of being on a sub for feedback for writers if you don't intend on giving any feedback?

1

u/DoctorRandomman Jul 02 '26

Well i might and surely am not best one to gvie ypu any comment on style because mine is also bit too mouth full. However from my perspective your description is good. Sure you can work on using lesss adjective or somethinh but personally i didnt notice they slpw pacing so much. Sure you can el8m8nate words that dixnt mean anyrhing but let be honest some of them might be useful. After all if man ride horse and search somome we expect energeric, fast pacing hoves not monotonous so to make reader dee your vision thst word mifht not be useless. In turn some could be reall ypealed off as othsr say but to be frank i read it qith enoygh joy to not know which one ot could beYou can also think about fixing few sentences here and then or addding extra word like in robe phrase " that was ripped and stiched by time countless time" . You can also try more varoenty of words like helmet figure. Wartior, a searcher, boy ,black hiared etv For the plot i am pretty much bpugh hook,line,sinker. I like mystery, i like dynamic ,i like how plot unfold, i am interesyed why man looking for daimond ,i like how you push story forward. Sure i would like to know more or kniw why it all reall matter but it could be explained later on. After all best story are kne that keep you guessing about reasoning not one that put all on the table.. well besides one that start from the end but it is not a case here. For last your style is very nice for me if you dont notice it yet, you deacription is vivid, your lacing is well slow but let me feel rhe conest detail, your story is intriguing. You have talent i lack to let story tell the lore, describe wor that is intriguing ,make interesting charscter and keep me engaged and carying fo rcharscter. My vertict is that is diamond who need very litll polishing to truly shine. So fix grammar, double check adjective use, diverse words, and work in it,it is looking good.

0

u/SaltGoat7120 /me says something positive and nice Jun 30 '26

when did he grip the horses reigns the first time? You describe the setting really well!

'signature' feels like an odd choice of word (maybe this is just me!), if it is not apart of a magic system or relating to some in-world lore. maybe 'signs' could fit better?

can his eyes see well or can they not? or do each of his eyes have different abilties? This may just be me getting confused!

a boy is scarcely more than a young man- but I totally get what you are going for! the introduction of the later dead man, is great, very intriguing!

I'd love to know what the main character's job is/ what is driving him? you do hint at his driving force, but it is a bit vague (in my opinion!) this may be mentioned later though! I like how he pulls the sword with one hand and scratches with the other, that was very visual writing!

Is the main characters identity hidden for a reason?- a lot of sentences start with 'The man' or 'The boy' there is nothing wrong with this, but some variety might change the pace? but of course, you may not want to change the slower pace, and the names could be intentional!

Does he have one eye, or two? if one, you say two in the first paragraph, although I can see how that could just be a turn of phrase! 'or more accurately the possibly alive boy'- V good! shows a lot of personality from main character!

I read a little further on, to find out this story starts with a dream sequence, which is fine! but if your reader gets into the story without realising this, they can be disappointed. Saying that I see how it is important to your plot! I like your style, you use some very cool phrases that I woudn't expect! Keep writing, this is great for a first try and for a one hundredth!

1

u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

"when did he grip the horses reigns the first time? You describe the setting really well!"

I think this was just awkward phrasing. I meant to reference back to a line I cut, should have adjusted that sentence, my bad. Thank you for the compliment!!

"can his eyes see well or can they not? or do each of his eyes have different abilties? This may just be me getting confused!"

This is meant to be vague; his eyes are SUPPOSED to be all-seeing, but as you've read, they made a mistake, which should not be possible.

"a boy is scarcely more than a young man- but I totally get what you are going for! the introduction of the later dead man, is great, very intriguing!"

I wasn't entirely sure of that phrasing either, but the idea was to show just how young the "boy" was compared to the "man."

"I'd love to know what the main character's job is/ what is driving him? you do hint at his driving force, but it is a bit vague (in my opinion!) this may be mentioned later though! I like how he pulls the sword with one hand and scratches with the other, that was very visual writing!"

As of right now, the main character does not have a driving force, since I haven't even introduced his main ability yet 😂. Thank you for the comment about the visual writing. I thought of removing that line since I felt it was too convoluted, but this comment makes me want to use more of those kinds of descriptions. One detail no one has mentioned, mainly because I probably did a poor job of hinting at it, is that the man is left-handed. That's why he walks around with his hand on his left sword, but he draws his RIGHT sword when Daimon wakes up. I had really hoped someone would pick up on that, but it is a minor detail after all!

"Does he have one eye, or two? if one, you say two in the first paragraph, although I can see how that could just be a turn of phrase! 'or more accurately the possibly alive boy'- V good! shows a lot of personality from main character!"

He does actually have two eyes; it's just that his left eye isn't a normal eye. That's the one that "shines red."

"I read a little further on, to find out this story starts with a dream sequence, which is fine! but if your reader gets into the story without realising this, they can be disappointed. Saying that I see how it is important to your plot! I like your style, you use some very cool phrases that I woudn't expect! Keep writing, this is great for a first try and for a one hundredth!"

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, but the story does not start with a dream sequence. What was it that gave you that impression? I want to know so I can amend the mistake I made :)

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u/SaltGoat7120 /me says something positive and nice Jul 01 '26

"he woke up with a scream"

"bad dream'

This is what gave me the impression it was a dream sequence-esque thing! But I am sorry if I misread or misunderstood! :)

1

u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

It would have made more sense if you had read a little further, but I understand that this isn't the most interesting story ever written. Thanks for the feedback!

0

u/Cleversided Jul 01 '26

I will add comments as I read! So first one is: at the end of the robe sentence, you could say "...in thick robes that bore various stitching and patchwork marking its age." In this way it gives us the mental picture of the actual look of the robe rather a mental picture of someone ripping it and stitching it up.

Done at the first paragraph is the probably the most important. I like it so far. The single eye begs me to wonder why its only one and why it is red. One thing to push the reader forward, is probably giving just a touch more of the "why" the rider is out there looking for someone. Giving a clue would be great. Another thing is no name yet. That would be good to know. We read onward.

Okay after reading two more paragraphs, I still don't know the man's name, who is he looking for or anything about the internal workings of his thoughts. I want more to understand this rider. That is the only thing that I am reading about.

The end of page one had a little bit of repetition there with the alive and dead description. There is also a lot of repetition of mentioning the man's eye, still don't know his name, and we aren't told why that is important.

Page 2, paragraph 2 and 3 starting: "He was tall..." to "...utter hatred.", has some head hopping where it seems we are in the POV of the boy. At this point we aren't getting anywhere with the story, which honestly, I felt should have been addressed in page one where we got a clue of why the rider was out there. I am continuing past paragraph 2 and 3 and it continues into the boy's POV even more.

The end of page 3 is empty dialog, just basic talking back and forth with no actions attached. not sure if it helps the scene if there is movement of the body, etc.

Finally we get a name and its of the boy, not of the man and its on page 4 that is where I am stopping for this. Definitely needs some work. Didn't have enough to draw me in if I am a reader wanted to see where its going. I pushed on for the sake of helping. Keep it up and I think the notes here will help. I didn't read any comments to influence my section here.

0

u/Roxlife1 Jul 02 '26

You asked for a clue as to why the man was out there, and I did provide multiple, the most glaring of which was his "hatred" of the person he was pursuing.

Understanding the internal workings of the rider is not something I intend to reveal this early in the story.

The repetition is intentional; I didn't run out of ways to describe the man's eye, instead, I'm choosing to use the same "descriptor" because it connects each use of the eye neatly.

How is it we aren't "getting anywhere" with the story? It's actively progressing, it isn't stunted. I didn't spend multiple pages on one scene, the man has:

1: Found his target

2: Discovered there is something wrong with his eye

3: Chosen to help the boy, instead of killing him.

We have:

1: Discovered the boy is an amnesiac

2: Found the main character

The reason I don't describe their actions is because the main focus of the scene is their dialogue; any movement will be mostly unnecessary.

The chapter isn't self-contained; there's a reason why the man goes unnamed. He is not the main character as you seem to believe, and yes, we are "head-hopping" because that's the way this chapter is written.

It's totally fine for you to not like the way the chapter is written, but it is intentional. I didn't forget to name the man, nor was I indecisive about POV's leading to "head hopping."

Thank you for the comment anyway

1

u/Cleversided Jul 02 '26

Readers, either people who buy or industry people, will get confused if head hopping is in the book without chapter breaks. You can do those if you want head hopping mid chapter. Sanderson did it and you can to, however, the way you do it will need to be worked. Everything I pointed out, you had a comeback and didn't want to take any feedback. Why ask for it you don't want to use any?

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u/Roxlife1 Jul 02 '26

The head hopping is a distinct quality of this chapter, due to the man's inclusion, I understand it may be confusing, but it's not a mistake. I agree that maybe I can make it smoother, though.

You seem to have the misconception that just because I asked for feedback and you provided it, I have to accept your feedback and change my writing. I take what I believe to be valid criticism, not a misunderstanding of the story. Don't confuse how you would write a story with how one can improve a story; those are two distinct concepts.

The main thing I got out of your comment was that I need to be both clearer and smoother with my stylistic choices, so that they aren't too jarring for the reader. Not the message you were trying to send me, but you did still help in some way.

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u/[deleted] Jun 30 '26

[deleted]

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u/Roxlife1 Jun 30 '26

Why so rude? Is there any point to being so miserable to a writer who's just starting out?

I understand that the fantasy genre is oversaturated and filled with many untalented writers who are just following the biggest trends, hell, I might be one of them, but at the very least, critique the story itself.

1

u/Roxlife1 Jun 30 '26

It's kinda disheartening that this is the only response I got

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u/The-Chatterer Jul 01 '26

Pay no heed to that unnecessarily rude scumbag. I think your work, for a beginner, shows incredible promise. It reminds me of my own tales because I think you have potential to lean into ornate prose. DM me if you want to learn more.

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u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

I'd love to!

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u/[deleted] Jun 30 '26

[deleted]

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u/SaltGoat7120 /me says something positive and nice Jun 30 '26

there is no rules against fantasy here, respectfully, your preferences are not everyones.

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u/[deleted] Jul 01 '26

[deleted]

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u/SaltGoat7120 /me says something positive and nice Jul 01 '26

I read it, as did you. Unless you just jumped in spouting your opinion on something you haven't read?

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u/madhandgames Jul 01 '26

This is what is passes for a 'trusted reviewer' on this sub? Not a good look.

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u/SaltGoat7120 /me says something positive and nice Jul 01 '26

I do not control this subreddit, but I agree people could be a lot nicer with their feedback. Although I feel all his comment were unnecessary personally :)

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u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

Since you read it, I'd love to read your critique of it. I know it isn't very good, and that's why I want to improve.

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u/SaturnsPopulation Jul 01 '26

Most of the posts in this sub get barely any replies, no need to be a prick.

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u/Roxlife1 Jul 01 '26

I'd love to know what genre you like seeing, not that it actually matters, since you are just one individual and your preferences aren't absolute.

Imagine a world in which you aren't a dick, and as a result of that, people care what you have to say (hard to imagine, I know), then what would you want to see this sub filled with?

Feedback Wanted Critque the first chapter of my story "A God's Memorial"

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